Marc's Transition

A trans man's transition

[transguys]

What Do Trans Guys Need to Know About HPV and Cancer?

Download this free guide from Fenway Health! Coinciding with Cervical Health Awareness Month, Robert Eads Day on January 17 honors the memory of Robert Eads and raises awareness for preventative care and early detection of cancer and HPV in trans men. Read more >

Share widely!

[transaurus-rex]

Been a rough couple of days, thanks to insurance companies. Yesterday I went to the eye doctor, and apparently my name hasn't been updated with my eye insurance (I get it through my dad's work, while all else is through mom's), so I had to deal with some awkward situations regarding that nonsense. I'm still uncomfortable as hell hearing or reading my birth name and it triggers some dysphoria, but I'm getting better. That visceral, "oh shit, my stomach's inside-out!" feeling is gone, thank god.

Then today I had to call another insurance company and ask why my past blood work wasn't covered. I already knew the reason, but for some reason hearing "'sex transformation' procedures aren't medically necessary and aren't covered for that reason" reallllllly made me feel small. All-in-all the call was pointless, since they're not going to change the contract since it's through my mom's employer, and in the end it just gave me a whole lot of stress.

It's apparently compounding with other daily bullshit and I'm just feeling really kind of sad and dysphoric right now. For some reason whenever I get this way I really want to go swimming, but that's kind of impossible when you have generally bad feelings about your body.

Just a very small, very useless-to-you-helpful-to-me venting update. By tomorrow I should be in better spirits, hopefully.

[transaurus-rex]

Endocrinologist appointment today! Warning for discussion of #menstruation related cramps ahead for those who are bothered by it.

Dr. W and I talked primarily about the cramps I've been experiencing lately. I don't remember if I've written about this before, but since about last October, I've experienced pain extremely similar--if not identical to--that caused by menstruation cycles. I talked about it with her in December because at times the pain was debilitating, and she told me to take note of when I'm experiencing pain. 

So for the past few months, that's exactly what I've been doing. Every single time I experience abdominal pain, I write down the time and date. I also describe where the pain seems to be located, what works for relief (whether it's Advil, a heating pad, etc.), and how intense the pain is. More often than not, nothing helps with it; I've used all my usual methods for pain relief, and absolutely nothing works. It's a bit disheartening. 

But anyway, the pains are indeed cyclical and closely match my previous menstruation cycles, which were irregular from the start up until the bitter end. They primarily happen at night and have gotten much better since summer started. I wonder if they're stress-related as well. Dr. W is going to check my estrogen levels, as well as some other chemicals that are associated with menstruation. She also asked if I'd ever been diagnosed with or had treatment for PCOS, which I haven't. We also briefly discussed a hysterectomy and the type I'd be getting (personally, I'm shooting for removal of my ovaries and uterus but not my cervix). 

It seems about time to get an OB/GYN, though. Technically I should have already gone in for a routine pap smear. The biggest problem at this point is finding one that's trans-friendly, with trans-friendly staff. I've heard some horror stories and I'm not particularly keen on going to an OB/GYN anyway. 

So yep, there's my update. Once my blood results are in I'll post about those, if there's anything worth mentioning. 

[transguys]

Aveed Long-Acting Testosterone Approved by FDA

Aveed is the U.S. equivalent to the long-acting testosterone formulation known in other parts of the world as Nebido, and it was recently approved by the FDA. Aveed is being touted as having “major advantages” over T. cypionate and T.enanthate, including fewer injections (about every 2 to 3 months), less fluctuation in testosterone levels, and possibly less risk of erythrocytosis.

View Full Article >

[transaurus-rex]

Refilling this costs nearly $1000, unless it's covered by insurance. Even then I'm sure the costs will still be high.

It's a shame, because I think I'd prefer this to weekly injections, if it's as effective and doesn't have significant side effects. 

[zjemptv]

Holy shit, why do you pass so well when I can see you moving but don't do so well in stills? Tell me your secrets, great one!

"Passing" is a toxic concept that implies all trans people aspire to cis-mimicry and invisibility. It positions trans appearances as inherently inferior to cis appearances, and requiring correction. It’s inherently subjective - cis people will claim they can pick out "tells" on any person, even when they only do so after they’re told that person is trans, and regardless of whether that person actually is trans. And it’s shitty for you to offer unsolicited opinions of how "well" another trans person "passes".

It’s also a necessary concept that articulates the real experiences of trans people who need this for their own safety, avoidance of discrimination, or mitigation of dysphoria. So it’s understandable that it persists as an idea and that trans people seek out practical advice pertaining to this.

If you really want to know, this isn’t something I put much directed effort into anymore. Before, I would make sure my clothes were impeccably femme and my face was immaculately plucked and made up every time I left the house. I’d be on edge the entire time and hyper-conscious of anyone’s reaction, even to the point of imagining it.

Then I transitioned and I eventually stopped caring. Womanhood is normal for me now, it doesn’t feel like some fragile artifice that has to be constantly maintained anymore. I haven’t put on makeup since last year. I dress androgynously when I feel like it, which is often.

I’ve stopped taking 50 selfies and choosing just one and being nervous that everyone will pick out all my perceived faults. I’m not anxious about it anymore. I’ve become more confident and relaxed and at ease with myself, not like I’m fighting an ongoing battle against a torrent of gender stuff. I can just be myself without having to give thought to putting on an act. So I just move more naturally now in everyday life - every part of me is in sync and aligned, finally. And that means I also just don’t care anymore about how I look in photos. The point is that I feel better.

It’s just a body. Everyone has one. Do what you need to do to be more comfortable in yours.

[transaurus-rex]

This just about sums up my views on "passing" nowadays, in both a political and personal sense. I had a very similar experience as I progressed in my transition. (Also, you should follow Zinnia. She is FANTASTIC and writes legitimately awesome things about trans issues.)

[transaurus-rex]

A friend of mine who got his gender marker changed recently got notified by the government that he needed to sign up for the draft since he's of eligible age and legal gender now. I'm not a fan (to say the absolute, VERY least) of ever serving in the US military and being forced to go to war, so I was concerned about that because I plan on getting my gender marker changed before I turn 26.

A military friend of mine noted that trans men are also excluded from the draft and can file for an exemption if we send in proper proof--namely, a birth certificate that hasn't yet been changed.

So, in conclusion, if you have any reason to never want to sign up for the draft ever, don't get your birth certificate changed too quickly if that's possible in your state because you'll need it to be exempted. Obviously, this primarily affects trans men in the US, and I have no idea how it works in other countries.

[gaytransguys]

For transgender people, a massive new resource

As transgender people strive to gain more acceptance and legal protections, they will soon have a hefty new resource to assist them — a 672-page book, written by scores of transgender contributors, that encompasses social history, gender politics and wide-ranging advice on health, law, relationships and many other matters.

Trans Bodies, Trans Selves. 672 pages written by trans* people.

It’s about time already!

Super excited to buy my copy.

[transaurus-rex]

Definitely gonna try and pick up a copy of this--it looks incredibly useful as a resource!

[transaurus-rex]

Hey folks! I figured that this blog was due for an update since I recently got my social security card changed to reflect my new legal name! I'm just going to talk about my experience since I imagine the process will work differently for folks in different cities, depending on how busy your local social security office is. Both trips took less than an hour each for me, but if the office you go to is particularly busy, you might consider having 2+ hours of free-time to do this.

If you get your name changed to update your social security card, you'll need the official, notarized court order (as in, it needs to be stamped and signed by the secretary there), as well as some sort of picture ID. A driver's license will do. If your name change happened over two years ago, you'll need to bring in more documents, so I'd recommend getting your social security card updated as quickly as possible. Since I had no immediate need for mine to be updated, I had put it off for a while.

The social security office in Lincoln is located in this big federal building that also houses a court and a bunch of other, similar offices. It had a security station at each entrance, complete with an x-ray for any bags I had and a metal-detecting gate. They required a photo ID to enter the building, and I had to empty my pockets of everything into those little plastic buckets, which are also scanned. The first time I went through I set off the metal detector and none of us could figure out why, but it was due to my boots, which are steel-toed (they make me feel badass and add a couple inches to my height, y'see). The second time, I let them know that I was wearing steel-toed boots, and in that case they made me take off my jacket and hoodie (which were also x-rayed), probably in the event that I was lying about my boots being steel-toed to sneak in some weapon. In both instances they still waved the wand over me.

I'll admit that that was a pretty uncomfortable experience. Thankfully, I had no problems other than some minor confusion, and I wasn't prevented from entering the building or anything. 

When I went up to the social security office itself I thought it was locked because there were no windows to see if there were actually people working in there. Plus, I tried to pull the door open when it had to be pushed. Anyway I sat around outside waiting just in case but got in with no problems. 

They had me check in with a computer that asked why I was here. Essentially, I chose "social security card" and I think the second option was "update information" or something; I unfortunately don't remember. You also need to punch in your social security number, but there ARE options if you don't have one or if you don't know/forgot it. After that I got a ticket with a number on it, and when it was my turn, the folks working there just called that number out.

Throughout the process I was pretty damn nervous to be honest, haha. But the guy working at the counter was very professional and didn't make any remarks or ask any questions other than what he needed to know. He was also quite attractive. I showed him the court order and my license, and I did have my old card on-hand just in case he needed it, but he didn't. 

All he asked for was my place of birth, my current address, my birthdate, my dad's name, and my mom's maiden name. Then he printed a receipt and let me know that the post office was picky about social security cards, so to notify them that one would be coming in the mail for me. 

Now, I mentioned that I was nervous. When I'm nervous I generally want to get things over as quickly as possible, so I scanned the receipt too fast and didn't notice that he had misspelled my middle name as Allen and not Allan. (For a moment I was worried that Allen WAS my official, legal name since I had also made some misspellings on my own damn name change petition! The official court order is Allan so it is indeed legally spelled with an A, LMAO.) So, when my new card arrived in the mail a week later, the name was also misspelled there. That was entirely an oversight on my part. I had to go back to the social security office and get that corrected, which also wasn't a big deal; the same guy was working there and just asked the same questions. 

Currently I'm waiting on my new social security card to come in the mail, and it should just take a couple more days or so. If it doesn't arrive by Friday I'll check with the post office to make sure they're not holding it back or anything. But yeah, that was my experience!

You can also update your social security card by mail by sending the notarized copy of your name change court order as well as your driver's license. Personally, I chose not to do this because it would take longer, and I'd be out of a driver's license for several days, which is inconvenient. There's also the danger of losing it in the mail. So if you're able to go to the social security office itself, I'd definitely recommend it, since it's much faster and you don't have to fill out any forms. (For the record, the forms that are required for updates via mail ask a LOT more information, including both your parents' social security numbers. I'm not sure why this is the case, but perhaps they're more concerned about fraud or something.)

So yeah, that was my experience in a nutshell. I don't see this talked about a lot in trans circles, so I figured it'd be a good idea to document it here. The process I went through was as straightforward as it can get, despite the error.

[transaurus-rex]

Oh hey, brief top surgery update AND PIC (singular)!!! under the cut, since I'm nearly 11 months post-op. You may not want to view if scars make you uncomfortable, since mine are prominent.

It's a bit difficult to see in this picture, but essentially I've learned that my scars are hypertrophic. What that means is that they take MUCH longer to lighten up, and they stay raised/red for a long time, even with silicone treatment. They're basically a less serious form of keloid scars. It's a genetic, unpreventable condition, and I probably inherited it from my dad since he's a person of color (the darker you skin is, the "worse" you tend to scar).

I'm not concerned about it, though, because I've dealt with similar scarring before. When I was young I got a deep cut that became a hypertrophic scar, and it has since become flat and nearly invisible next to the rest of my skin. The scar itself isn't nearly as deep/long as these surgical scars, but nonetheless, I have a good idea of how these will look in the future. Silicone gel treatment HAS helped significantly, especially on my right side of my chest.

The other thing I wanted to touch on was the slight dog ears I've got there. The one on my left is a bit more prominent than the one on the right. These will be taken care of in May, and I'll of course make an update for that, too. My nipples still get dry quite easily, but they're getting better lately, and regaining some of their shape. I feel fortunate that I didn't have big nipples before top surgery since I'll take flat nips to big ones, lol.

This picture is a couple weeks old, but since taking it, I've grown a bit more hair on my chest around my scars. Or at least, that hair has darkened a bit more. 

Anyway, figured I'd post this, lol. Things are going well!

[transaurus-rex]

So, excellent news today!

Last week I was interviewed by the campus student newspaper about being transgender on campus. Seven LGBTQA+ identified students (and one former student) were featured in brief "snapshots," and of those, three were trans--pretty fantastic! Anyway, we got to talk about issues that were important to us, what it was like to be queer in Nebraska/UNL, and I discussed my disapproval of the "acceptable trans narrative" and the need for better representation.

It's been posted online and I'm pretty surprised at the amount of support I've gotten from strangers on the internet. One of my friends online remarked that it was one of the most respectful articles he'd ever read in a newspaper that wasn't queer-specific, and I agree completely. The person who interviewed me and wrote the article, Ms. Marmaduke, did a great job prompting me for what to talk about--I tend to go blank when asked questions, haha--as well as, obviously, writing the article! Give it a read if you'd like; I'd also recommend checking around the site to see some of the other folks' profiles.

[turpentine-porcupine]

"a gayed” person

"considers himself bisexualed”

“lesbian*ed”

see how silly the ed ending is

[homme-voyage]

Okay now this is a silly post because it demonstrates ignorance about why people even say (or said) “transgendered” in the first place.

Now, I’ve never debated this...

[transaurus-rex]

I think you raise some good points, and I've also seen transgendered used in books published by and about other trans people. It seems to have switched to "transgender person" instead of "transgendered" because of the implication that -ed has--that something happened to us to make us trans. I'm not gonna touch on the grammatical point because I'm not an expert on grammar, and also because grammar alone is fairly arbitrary. Anyway, it's the implication that mostly made people stop using it, I believe, especially since hurtful stereotypes do tend to say that something traumatic happens to people to "make them trans."

That said, though, there are some groups abroad that use -ed as part of their official identification. For a class I'm looking at Indian trans groups and the sites mostly use -ed. I wouldn't fault them for that, either, since the use of transgender person mostly seems to be a thing in Western, predominantly english-speaking countries.

I might be missing some points since I'm typing on my phone and can't read your post again but yeah, that's my 2¢.

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Ok. Sorry for one more TMI post, but this is fucking important.

When you go for your OBGYN exam, odds are, the doc is gonna assume you have penetrative sex and will use the normal sized speculum. If you do not do penetration, SAY SO AND DO NOT BE EMBARASSED BECAUSE THERE IS A REALLY SMALL SPECULUM SIZE I WAS NEVER AWARE OF WHICH MADE AN EXTREMELY PAINFUL, ANXIETY-LADEN AFFAIR NOT SO BAD AND PRETTY QUICK.

[so-i-did-this-thing]

I lied. One more tidbit, which was hidden in the tags of my last post.

When you are FAAB and on testosterone for a while, your doc is gonna be concerned about endometrial cancer. Since your menses has stopped, you’re no longer sloughing off the cells up in there,...

[transaurus-rex]

Picture of a literal 1/10th of a nipple above a surgery scar below the cut (there's a pun in there somewhere, I'm sure)!

That slightly dark, brownish spot is a little, tiny bit of my areola that was left over. I presume Dr. Johnson cut through it while he was making the initial incision. It reminds me a bit of a sunrise so I hope it stays. 

My incision scars are lightening/flattening quite significantly thanks to the silicone lotion. I don't have any earlier comparison pictures (unfortunately; in the future I'll use this one plus some others for future comparisons), but using it daily has made a big difference. The scars are still a bit itchy, and you can see some redness in the photo above because I was scratching myself before I actually took it, lol.

I'm mainly uploading this because Clair wanted to see it, and also because I think it's funny as hell. :P

[transaurus-rex]

...I even said I'd update this blog after I got my postop checkup with Dr. Johnson, and I completely forgot. OTL ANYWAY here's that long-awaited update I promised.

Dr. Johnson said that he'd prefer to wait a bit longer before doing anything with my dog ears, so I'll be having that revision done near the end of May--a little over a year since I first had top surgery. That'll be a huge relief to me, since those dog ears are just a little worrisome to me. The procedure sounds a bit gruesome, but at least it'll happen during the summer, so I'll have time to heal. I won't have to go under general anesthesia for it, too, which is even better.

In cramp-related news, things are just getting worse. The cramps are indeed cyclical, and match my previous menstrual cycle before it stopped, more or less. My periods tended to be irregular and never started on the same day each month, and started anywhere between the 10th and 20th of the month; these cramps are doing the same thing. In January I even experienced bloating/water retention--something that hasn't happened in a long, long time--so they're getting progressively more irritating. 

My biggest fear at this point is that I'll actually start bleeding again, and that the cramps themselves will get more painful. At this point, they hurt much worse than my usual cramps did. I may have mentioned this before, but nothing helps with the pain except curling into uncomfortable, hunched over positions with a heat pad and a heavy dose of ibuprofen, and even then it's still painful. 

They happen most often during the night, when I'm trying to go to sleep. I'm unsure why that is, since theoretically I should be getting them during the day as well. I'd almost rather have them during the day since I've had several nights where I absolutely couldn't get to sleep because of them. It's extremely frustrating.

I tried to schedule an appointment with Dr. W about this, but unfortunately she can't see any patients until March. I'm currently on a cancellation waiting list. Hopefully I'll be able to see her soon and talk about some options. As always, I'm recording everything about the cramps--their intensity, what I'm doing to stop the pain, what I may have done to bring on the cramps, when they started/stopped, etc. With any luck, she'll recommend a hysterectomy. 

Anyway, that's really all I have to say in this update. It probably sounds like I'm miserable most of the time, but actually I'm doing pretty well. The cramps are just worrying me, lol. 

[ryansallans]

Attention Trans* Identified College Students - I'd Love Your Help!

Hello Tumblr world!

I would love help/assistance from those of you who are trans* identified and are either currently in college or are preparing to attend. As some of you may know, I do national training on college campuses about stepping toward a trans*-inclusive campus. I have PowerPoints, I have handouts, I have research articles and resource lists, but there is something important missing … I would LOVE to have faces and stories from those of you who are trans* identified AND college students. 

I thought it would be cool to create a photo project where you can submit a picture of you on your campus (or somewhere you are comfortable) holding a sign that addresses “WHAT YOUR CAMPUS COULD DO TO BE MORE TRANS* FRIENDLY” or “WHAT YOUR CAMPUS HAS DONE TO CREATE A TRANS* FRIENDLY ENVIRONMENT”. 

For example: "I wish I could have a student id that has my chosen name instead of my legal name."  or "I just received student health insurance that covers transition-related care. #Wow."

If you are interested in this, then send me your photo and statement at the following email address: [email protected]. 

Please know, if you do this, your picture and statement may appear in the professional training workshops that I conduct. By submitting to me, you are giving me permission to use your image. 

[theartoftransliness]

I have a question that's been bothering me a lot. I've been looking for a job lately, but I work in a right-to-work state and could easily be fired for being trans*. However, some companies state that they can't fire for that. Can/will those companies follow company law or the state law? Should I still say I'm trans*?

Zak: “Right-to-work" actually refers to unions and collective bargaining, not whether or not you can be fired for being LGBTQ. It is actually illegal on the federal level to discriminate against someone because they are transgender in regard to employment (it is considered sex discrimination). This covers you regardless of the state in which you reside. That, of course, doesn’t mean that discrimination doesn’t happen. Knowing your rights is important, because then you can advocate for yourself. Applying to a company with an inclusive non-discrimination policy might also be a good idea, although these are not always followed. The good thing is, though, that if you are discriminated against for being trans* that you can fight back. It can sometimes be difficult, time consuming, and even expensive, but the law is on your side. 

As for whether or not you should come out or disclose to prospective employers, that depends. It is certainly easier not to, but if you are planning on working somewhere for a long time and are in the midst of physical transition (or planning on physically transitioning in the near future), haven’t legally changed your name and/or gender, etc. than coming out might be a good idea. In my opinion, you should not come out or disclose before you are offered the job. Different people have different views on this (for instance, if they have a bad response than you wouldn’t want to work for them anyway). However, I think that the job interview should only focus on work-related topics and your strengths. If your gender doesn’t relate to the job, than it shouldn’t come up (by the way, it’s actually illegal for them to ask about your sex during the job interview, along with a few other topics). Of course, if you’re applying to work with LGBTQ people, in some sort of non-profit job related to transgender equality, etc. than your gender identity might be something that is relevant and worth sharing during the job interview. Otherwise, I think it’s best to wait until you are offered the job. That way it will also be more apparent (and perhaps easier to get legal intervention to help with) if you are discriminated against during the hiring process (if you’re hired and then they take back the job as soon as they find out that you are trans, for instance).