Cause of Death: Blasted

Calloway | 26 | they/them | I'm into Ace Attorney, Batfam, and whatever else catches my eye | header by @dcarveledits | icon by @pokemonprideflags | venmo: calstar

[pisces-core]

[crehelf]

@dashingprince

[genderkoolaid]

I’ve said it before + it’s becoming true again this time. Whenever I’m alone (i.e., without a boyfriend) my crossdressing becomes more serious + constant. In my search for the perfect male companion, I find myself. In my need for a man in my bed, I detach myself from my body and my body becomes his; I stroke his hair, I see his wrist. I feel the warm winds blowing my open shirt from my smooth, hard, flat chest. I catch the hungry eyes of another beautiful youngman. I reconsider male hormones—trying to remember why I decided against them before.

— We Both Laughed In Pleasure: The Selected Diaries of Lou Sullivan

[genderkoolaid]

context: Lou, after a period of time where he was crossdressing as a man full-time and was considering top surgery, started to return to women's clothing and his birth name. This was due both to the experience of otherness that came with being a transvestite, and the behavior of his long-term boyfriend who compared Lou's desire to transition to his own alcoholism, continually tried to dissuade him from medically transitioning, and threatened to leave him if he did. Once Lou left him, he started centering himself and his own desires in his life and realized not only that he wanted to live as a gay man, but that it was a real option for him.

I believe that, if I am going to live my life alone, and if it is true that you are the only one you can rely on to always be there, I had better make peace with myself. If I am the only one I have, I have a right to make myself happy. And I’ve been struggling with where I am now for 6 years—and it’s time to stop sweeping the issue under the carpet.

[genderkoolaid]

this part of Lou's life really compels me because like so many parts of his story it touches on a transmasc experience that is so common yet so erased by normative narratives around transmasculinity. most of the time when i see people talking about transmascs & misogyny (like on a very general scale, not just on Tumblr) it's very "before transitioning you are seen as a cis woman and subject to misogyny on the incorrect presumption that you are a cis woman" and then you transition and don't experience misogyny really anymore. so transitioning is going from being a victim of misogyny -> being safe from it if not active in it. and one side to this narrative is ofc the idea that transmasculinity is a maladaptive trauma response to "escape misogyny" and that transitioning from female to male is in line with what the patriarchy wants. experiencing misogyny is about being a cis woman and FTM transition is about moving towards a cis man's relationship with misogyny.

but for so many transmascs who started questioning while in a relationship with a cis man the more you express your transmasculinity the more misogynistic pressure you are faced with. and also, it's hard to meaningfully explore and develop your understanding of yourself when you are taught from childhood to decenter your desires and feelings for the sake of your cis husband. Lou expresses in his diaries at one point feeling scared by an argument with his boyfriend J on machismo– Lou desires the aesthetics of it but not the chauvinistic reality, while J seems to genuinely believe in it. It takes Lou a long time to separate himself from his cis boyfriend's perspective of him, as a gender-fucky girl but always a girl. and other partners express similar ideas, that it's okay for Lou to be kinda queer but as long as his still remains, on some level, a girl they can fuck and enjoy. His own desires, to be a gay man and be truly accepted, to transform his body into what he's always longer for, are irrelevant past the point where they made him sexy to them. Lou also talks about how he felt more comfortable internally while crossdressing as a man, but felt more comfortable externally while dressing as a woman, because while it's more painful on an emotional level to live as a cis woman, it's harder to belong in society as a trans person. Or as he says: "I continue to feel more like a part of the human race, yet less like a person."

& there's this heartbreaking passage after he has been convinced by J to not pursue medical transition and to "accept" his female identity:

Ridiculous when my whole crusade was to be a feminine gay male. And also my inability to merge into a male-male relationship with J, even tho I know now it would have been impossible. I knew I was acting strangely toward him, that I wasn’t relaxed or really me…that with the only person I’ve really felt at ease around. Maybe I would have fallen into the Miss Plastic Surgery syndrome—always blaming one thing or another for the fact that I’m not a “real man.” I hate to face it, but it’s true: I would never be entirely comfortable as a male. Because in my heart I know I am nothing.

and like. how many of us have experienced that? being unable to even conceptualize yourself as a man because you are so caught up in being a cis guy's girlfriend? convincing yourself that transition would only make things worse, because you can't imagine it as a real possibility and that's more painful than the everyday dysphoria? how many of us minimize our transness for the sake of lovers who think of it as a sexy party trick, but get grossed out and angry when we talk about wanting testosterone, top surgery, god forbid bottom surgery? a LOT of transmascs face a rise in misogyny as they assert their manhood, not a fall. people are sent to conversion therapy or forced into heterosexual marriages after asserting their manhood. our transmasculine identity is not conformity, it is not a symptom of a lack of feminist resistance. being transmasculine IS resistance. it is the RESULT of freeing ourselves from patriarchal roles of daughter-wife-mother. transmasculinity flourishes under feminist liberation, not patriarchal suppression.

I’m not crazy, I’m not living in a dream world. I’m not pretending anymore. I will have a man's chest. I will be a man. Oh, God, I don’t know how to believe it’s true. It’s too good. It’s too good. I know now: I can do anything. I can be anything I want. I can challenge the wind…

[genderkoolaid]

happy birthday lou sullivan

[tzikeh]

More examples of the WORST mansplaining here.

[useyourblinker]

This might be my favorite

[lotsofcatsandcheapwine]

This is mine

[stockyardsyndrome]

[youcanstillwhistle]

I think the "pre" and "post" parts in "preposterous" should cancel each other out but everyone else seems to find my idea completely erous

[victusinveritas]

God, can you imagine someone from Finland (or wherever) heading to a Midwestern state fair and eating every variety of fried thing imaginable?

[lumiklovstad]

I can, and arguably I must.

[babystarbeam]

I always think that sport events, especially international ones, are primarily about fun and cultural exchange and hanging out together; it gets lost sometimes when people pay too much attention to keeping scores, but joy and building bridges should be more important. So glad this seems to be happening right now!

[groovysarity]

I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue

[parachim]

inat's email game is wild

[leebrontide]

Younger people, one thing I want you to understand about Millenials is that, overall, our parents taught their daughters to aim for careers and employment, but they didn't teach their sons to keep house. This causes a whole lot of Situations.

[sweaterkittensahoy]

My brothers are my half-brothers; they spent summers and some holidays with us. I love my brothers.

Their mother picked up after them. They were not required to take plates the kitchen or do the dishes or anything like that.

My mother, who would tell you she is for equality, came home one day, sighed at the mess of dirty dishes scattered about, and said, "Gayle, help me pick up."

"Those aren't my dishes," I said. "I picked up my dishes."

My mother sighed again. "Just help me pick up."

"No," I said again. "I didn't make that fucking mess."

She never approached my brothers and said, "Boys, in this house, you take your dishes to the kitchen." She did not tell our dad, "Hey, tell the boys they need to pick up after themselves."

It was, "Gayle, pick up the dishes."

And when I refused because it was not my fucking mess, I got lectured about being difficult.

See also: My brothers--in a classic dick-move of all siblings--figured out they could pop the lock on the bathroom door and throw it open, and I would freak out because I was in the shower and trying to get five fucking minutes of peace.

Guess who got yelled at for being "unreasonable"? Not the boys. Because a lot of moms of millennial boys still said shit like "boys will be boys" when they should have said "Boys, if you got body-slammed on the concrete, I'm not taking you to the hospital."

[gwydionmisha]

It was similar for Xers. I spent a lot of time in my 20's teaching romantic partners and friends basic household skills and having to be really hard ass about them carrying their weight.

It is stupid and infuriating and I hate that the "Boy Mom" trend is setting yet another generation up for unfairness and domestic strife.

[vaspider]

Yep.

[rhincodono]

One time when I was in high school, my mum came home w/ groceries. She needed help bringing all of them in. Did she ask my brother who was already outside playing basketball? No. Did she ask her husband who was sitting on his ass watching TV in the living room? Nope. She walked past both of them, through the house, and into my room where I was doing homework and yelled at me for not immediately coming out to help her.

I have been told that I am "the last of the millennials" or that I'm a "gen zer" or that I'm "on the cusp" by so many different people that I am 100% convinced this is not a generational problem. It is a societal problem. And millennial parents are not immune to raising their kids this way just bc they're younger than x'ers and boomers. Same goes for gen z'ers and every generation after us so long as misogyny remains the bedrock of society that it is.

[marzaid]

I was told in high school that it was my job to have dinner ready and on the table by 5pm sharp when my parents got home. My brothers never had to cook or wash the dishes. I had to teach myself how to cook because I was told to just do it since "it's a girl's job. You're going to be a woman soon, so you need to know this." (I've since realized I'm transmasculine nonbinary but that's a different discussion people probably aren't ready for). My brothers never had to learn to cook. Sure, they did it for fun when they did boy scout camping, but never at home. I did the dishes and cooked while doing hours of homework because I was in all the advanced placement classes. They could play video games or go to football practice, and I had to take care of the house. When I asked if my oldest brother, who was always home and who was also over 18 the entire time, could make dinner even one night a week, so I could do my homework, I got screamed at so fiercely by my mother. Never once did I get help with anything. Never once did my parents say that they'd make dinner and we'd eat at 6 or 7 after they came home so we could have family dinner together. It was always my job as the only girl and the youngest, which is ironic since usually the oldest sibling is usually said to take care of the family.

[optimysticals]

It's things like this that make me really realize how bad ass my mom was.

Yes, I cooked dinner most nights, but it was because mom worked all day and I was a better cook. But I also taught my brothers to cook.

Everyone learned how to do and did laundry. When we cleaned the house every weekend everyone pitched in, my younger brothers were just as likely to get stuck cleaning the bathroom as mowing the lawn. I make dinner, the "boys" (I thought I was a girl then) loaded the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen. Everyone cleaned thier own room and vacuumed, everyone knew how to mop linoleum, tile, and wood floors.

My youngest brother lives at home with my mom again. She's retired now and he works 5-6 days a week. He does his own laundry, and helps with the house laundry. He cleans up the kitchen after dinner, and on his days off helps cook. He helps with the lawn, but also cleaning the bathroom and vacuuming the house.

Is he good at keeping house solo, not so much. But thats more on the way his brain works than how he was raised.

My mom raised me saying "this is feminism, I am a feminist." and then followed through in a way that I realize now a lot of my peers didn't get.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

sorry to be a broken record every month but christ menstruation is a stupid concept. oooooh excuse me for not getting pregnant, why the fuck is there goo falling out of me about it? grow the fuck up and reabsorb that shit for nutrients.

[spreadassholesdotorg]

[linguisticparadox]

One time when my dad was in the hospital they were testing his orientation to time and place and said "Okay and what year is it?" and he said "1995" (he had dementia). And the doctor and I unconsciously exchanged a Look because it was in fact uhhh 2024 😐 and dad saw that and so when the next doctor did the test a few hours later he said "uhhhh...nineteen...nintetyyyy.......seven...???" and I was like okay, well, that IS closer, you do have to give him that

[batbetbitbotbut]

#he still knew immediately who I was which was deeply funny to me bc I was 7-8 years old in 1997 #"yes that is my daughter who was apparently born in her 20s"

[fluff-e-boy]

The fool jingles miserably across the dash

[54625]

flicking back through my procreate library what the fuck was this

[pillowspace]

Things to look for in this:

Fish

Eyes

Body

[vincentius-art]

I do color palette pieces all the time, so decided to actually do the monthly challenge by @color-palettes this month.

[mens-rights-activia]

[murdaawasthecase-deactivated202]

Lmaoooo who is making these

[mens-rights-activia]

Mens-rights-activia

[mens-rights-activia]

I literally did lmao, signed it with my face

[zoesupreme]

I have started following the journey of a German soccer fan in the US for the world cup

[zoesupreme]

[zoesupreme]

[zoesupreme]

[zoesupreme]

@laeffy the euros have found buc-ee's

[zoesupreme]

[evilscientist3]

i swear if the wizard doesnt let me out of his abandoned salt mine soon im gonna fucking LOSE IT

[ttechniic]

what did you do to be put into the salt mine

[evilscientist3]

i MAY have eaten his special wizard meal. but i think he should let me out tbh

[ttechniic]

was it good? was it worth it? are you able to bear the weight of your sin?

[evilscientist3]

im not gonna lie it was fucking delicious i would fucking do it again. wait shit youre the fucking wizard in disguise seeing if ive learned my lesson arent you. fuck.

[ttechniic]

10 YEARS IN THE ABANDONED SALT MINE.

[siderealglimmer]