Non, je ne regrette rien.

As merry as the day is long. -- Kelly Young -- The Long and Short of It. I'm a Life/Film/Word/Literature/CODMW/Music/Disney enthusiast. A witty, dark, somewhat amusing, artsy mess, with an unhealthy amount of dialectic thoughts. Well, there you go.

[elizabitchtaylor-deactivated202]

film about a group of men getting into shenanigans= “comedy” film about a group of women getting into shenanigans= “chick flick”

film about a friendship between two men= “buddy flick” film about a friendship between two women= “chick flick”

emotional film about father/son...

[trevelyan006-blog]

Yarp.

[trevelyan006-blog]

Stop Saying "I Have A Boyfriend"

Oh man. I love this so hard. I just refuse to use Squish as an excuse when I go out and some guy wants to talk to me. I've tried explaining this to people and here's the best I can come up with:

People shouldn't have to use their significant others as an excuse that they aren't interested. Kind of like, I don't like mushrooms. I don't have a substitute food for mushrooms, I just don't like them and am not interested in involving myself with them. Sometimes they provide great flavor for condiments (re: conversation) once in a blue moon, but I don't want anything more than that. Key word being I.

Or the guy starts by asking "Where are you from?" and I facepalm and give him a lecture on post-colonialism and racism and he realizes I'm one of those and leaves. That works a lot faster than the "I have a boyfriend" excuse.

[trevelyan006-blog]

"IJWTBAA": The Closet Edition, Part II

The Downsize Process

Here we go. The process of downsizing my closet in an attempt to have a capsule closet. Rather, a watered down version of a capsule closet. Baby steps. My Squish (God bless him) kept me company as I swam through oceans of fabric.

I started with emptying out my closet and classifying them and then separating those into:

Love: Love meant that it was an item I wore heavily in a two week rotation. My default outfit is usually a plain boatneck t-shirt, a cardigan, slacks/pants/jeans, and a scarf if it's cold. NONE OF THAT GETS LEFT BEHIND.

Toss: I used my "When was the last time I wore this? October and before that May" clock for this. Squish came in handy for this and would yell "TOSS" if I hesitated. He has a penis of gold, I swear.

Sometimes: My Sometimes pile mostly consisted of things that I either really liked but admitted to myself I didn't wear often or items that I wore often but I didn't look at them as longingly. I have this great asymmetrical purple Loft shirt that I don't really like, but I wear it all the time because it's so versatile. I kept more of the things that I wore often than those I liked because I like to be practical.

After this, I started counting pieces a goal number in mind. Project333 sticks with 33 items, but it really can be anything as long as you stick to it.  I chose an arbitrary number, 45 (baby steps), and then actually went down in numbers as the process actually happened.

These don't count The number you choose does not include underwear/socks, tights/leggings, workout clothes, lounge wear, pajamas, or formal attire (for weddings, etc). It also doesn't include jewelry that has special value or that you wear everyday: a wedding/engagement right, an heirloom. I also included tank tops/camisoles in this pile, because sometimes shirts are too sheer and they fall into that necessity category.

Clothing (Year Round) I was surprised but not shocked to see that about 20 things I picked out, I wore year-round. Here are some essential pieces in my closet that I immediately put aside:

2 cardigans: one black, one brown.

2 striped, 3/4 sleeve shirts, one white with tan stripes, one gray with white stripes. I love 3/4 sleeve shirts because they are so season friendly. These are easily versatile and being in upstate NY, I can throw these on at all times with shorts, cardigans, light jackets, jeans, dress pants, you name it.

3 t-shirts, black, brown, and white. I wear these with any of the cardigans listed above weekly and it is a go-to outfit of mine; when I buy one, I am usually replacing an old one, so these already fit into my attempts pretty well. Uniqlo has some great boatneck tees that are slightly loose at the top and more fitted on the bottom- they look great with both work slacks and jeans.

1 3/4 sleeve loose black top. I mostly turn to black or white if I'm out of ideas.

4 dressier tops, one purple sleeveless, one off-white and floral, one green tunic, one white lacy/sheer. I wear these with a neutral cardigan. (A lot of Pinterest capsule boards point to neutral shirts and colorful cardigans, but black cardigans are a must have in my closet.)

3 pairs of jeans, two skinny, one boot cut, all dark washes. I wear these pretty regularly to work, especially when we have inspections or casual staff outings (often). I actually found a great pair of boot cut jeans at Old Navy last year for $10 and they are one of my best purchases- I wear them everywhere and they are good for business casual tops but comfortable enough to sit around and game in.

2 pairs of "other" colored pants, green cargo pants, gray jeans. Just in case I want to mix it up. I can also get away with dressing up gray jeans with a blazer and wearing to meetings.

3 pairs of dress pants, one black, one dark gray, one light gray with pinstripes. I make sure I have dress pants for the majority of the week to avoid wearing jeans all the time.

2 skirts, one black a-line, one gray pencil, both knee length. In the winter, I can pair these with boots and tights; summer, I can wear them with flats. Easy.

Relief. That was already 23 pieces. It has been about two weeks since I did this and in looking back, it's actually more than enough- I can probably cut down on my jeans and some other things. For "formal wear" that is not included in the total amount, I selected a fitted black dress (duh), a cobalt blue sleeveless dress, and a nude/black dress with pockets. I also held onto a less fitted black dress because I'm morbid and I thought about what to wear to funerals. I'm looking into a convertible dress so I can stop looking so longingly when new necklines are on sale.

Seasonal Clothing Onto seasonal things. I made a rule for myself that the total amount of my spring/summer amount must match the total amount of fall/winter things:

Shirts. Summer (2): one sheer sleeveless peach top, one 3/4 sleeve loose mint green. Winter (4): one gray top with cool sleeves that I affectionately call my spaceship shirt, one gray scoop neck sweater, one 3/4 sleeve burgundy scoop neck, one green long sleeved shirt.

Dresses. Summer (4): one reddish-orange sleeveless dress with a chiffon overlay, one short sleeved purple tribal printed, one black shirt long sleeved dress, and my favorite navy blue sleeveless dress. I prefer to wear dresses in the spring/summer because it's so easy to look put together. I can wear any one of these to work or to a social gathering and call it a day. Winter (2): one purple Issa/Banana Republic faux-wrap dress, one navy dress with a gray print and peplums. I car wear these with any of the cardigans I have, a belt, tights, and boots, and be on my way to something that requires more formality.

Sweaters. 1 for each season. I have a heavier brown one for winter that I love to wear when it's snowing; I’ll swap that one in the spring/summer for a navy blue one.

Skirts. Okay, I cheated here and threw in only a summer item: One green skirt that offsets the white/black ensemble on top.

Summer: 8. Winter: 7. That's brings the total to around 30 pieces of clothing. Not bad for someone just starting!

There are some items that they advise you to box up if you can't convince yourself to discard of them- if you are thinking about it weeks later, pull it from the box and reassess your closet. I did this with a pair of really comfy jeans that are loose in the butt (SO COMFY), a black 3/4 sleeve sweater that I wear in the summer if it gets a tad chilly, and a few shirts. I can't even describe all of them because I already forgot about them! It works! I will probably toss those things in the near future.

Other A true capsule closet includes shoes, coats/jackets, and accessories, but I put my own limit on these individually because, again, BABY STEPS.

Shoes. 2 pairs of heels, one black, one nude (I count these in the "formal" pile because I rarely wear them otherwise; also I have FIVE weddings this year. Sheesh.). I kept a pair of sneakers for the gym and I held onto a pair of tennis shoes because I wear those sporadically, when necessary. Spring/summer shoes are black and brown flats, one pair of nude flats, and one pair of brown open toe flats that I wore everywhere last year- I got rid of all my sandals this go around because I was finally realistic with myself that I didn't wear them at all last summer. I have flat feet and need more support. Fall/winter shoes include two pairs of boots, one grey, one brown, both heeled, one pair of flat boots, and one pair of snow boots (these are pretty necessary in NY, so I only half-count these). Shoe total: 8, 4 for each season.

Jackets/coats. Spring/summer gets 2, one black, one hunter green. Both are versatile jackets that I've had for close to three years on each and are in really good shape- I don't plan on replacing these. Fall/winter gets 3, because the cold really varies daily here. I have my heavy black peacoat when I want to look fancy, a blue Oakley jacket that is thin but warm (I can seriously maneuver in that thing), and one puffy long coat for the really bitterly cold nights. Jacket/coat total: 2. Okay fine. 3.

Jewelry. What? I rarely wear it and I've stopped buying it. To continue the purge, I went though the many pieces I bought during college and held onto 4 necklaces that were simple. The few other necklaces I kept I had received as gifts when I was very young and I'd like to pass those along to children if I ever have them, or even nieces when my sister has kids. I wear a total of two pairs of hoops because I'm allergic to most earrings. Jewelry total: I don't count these.

We'll see how long this lasts for. Considering that I've reconfigured my spending money, I don't see this or the replacement strategy failing. Time will tell.

[trevelyan006-blog]

"I just want to be an adult!": Saving and Spending

For the 1+ year I've had this job, I've also had a salary. MY GOD, it's glorious. I already knew the wonders of direct deposit, but this brings it to a whole new level. Budgeting is actually not bad or terrible at all. I have a system down that may or may not be useful to people.

My very first job was at a Rita's Ice Stand on La Isla that paid me half on the books and half off and we also got tips; I kept whatever I was given in cash in my pocket as spending money and deposited the checks straight into my bank account. When I got a second job working retail, those checks also went straight into the bank. Really, thanks to that first job, I always had a bit of spending money and always had the sense to save.

Eventually, I bought myself an X-box 360 (affectionately called Louis XIV) which to date has been the biggest purchase for myself and also my proudest- I am so fond of that thing because it represents something I did for myself, my first big purchase. It was the first gaming system I could actually call mine that my mom couldn't threaten to take away. I've invested so much time and energy in that thing and I love it to pieces. Worth every penny. I dread the day it shows the red ring of death.

So there's a lot of my spending philosophy right there: I don't mind spending a bit more money on things I know I will use a lot or get a lot of enjoyment out of. Otherwise, I go cheap/generic/affordable.

(This mentality also caused a bit of a closet addiction: If I saw a cute shirt at Forever 21 for ten bucks, I'd buy it because I didn't expect to wear it that much. Lots of money went into my closet- see last article- which thankfully, I've cut back on significantly.)

When I first moved, I adjusted my direct deposit because I knew I would be spending a lot on things I didn't think I needed as an adult but would come up along the way once or twice- for instance, a goddamn bathmat. The squishy kind. I like to be comfortable when I brush my teeth. It's the little things. A mat for my entrance way. Drawers for my utensils. Hangers. A blender. Etc. It wasn't going to be regularly spent money once I got on my feet, so I saw these things as investments and didn't mind.

Now that I have that all done (mostly), I've adjusted my budget again, designed so I can really save. Most of my money goes into a savings account that I purposely don't look at, because if I don't see it, it doesn't exist and if it doesn't exist, I can't spend it; if I have to, I use this for monthly payments (Lasik, phone, if I had Netflix) or every-now-and-then installments (X-box online membership) or something I've had my eye on for a while (my Google Nexus- which comes in handy for work and traveling). I luckily don't pay rent and am given an apartment with utilities, so any money that would be going to that is saved and not spent. I'll sit on big purchases for about a month and a half- if I really want it, I'll still be thinking about it. I have about $75 per paycheck going into my New Zealand/travel funds because I like surprises- I don't get to travel all the time, but if I do, I want to make the most of it. That's really important to me. My checking/main spending account gets about $150 deposited every paycheck.

Monthly, that's maybe $300 which doesn't seem like a lot to people. Really though, it's more than enough for groceries and going out to eat and maybe a movie once in a while. This is effective in so many different ways. I'm extremely conscious of what I buy and taking advantage of toothpaste sales. I know I can't shop too much if I want to eat, so it keeps that option off the table if I'm at a mall.

I get the kinds of food that I know will last- every few weeks, I spend extra on frozen veggies or peanut butter, etc, because that's not something I have to get every week, unlike bread and milk. I spend ten dollars for frozen tilapia fillets in bulk and that's only ten dollars for a month and a half of meals (those things last). I'm trying to be better about stretching and finishing food, because in the end, it's money that's getting thrown out. If Squish goes off and gets ground turkey, we have ground turkey in consecutive days until it's gone. When that's gone, then we can move onto the food that could wait.

Just an example: I get $300 a month. Let's say I try to spend around $30 on a grocery trip, which might be every 7-10 days; but this limit provides a lot of flexibility for the weeks I realize I'm out of soap or canned beans or anything else (I try to do those things in one week, so its easier for me to track the $30). If in three weeks, I spend $90 in total, that means I have $210 to spend throughout the month as I want. If the fourth week comes and I have a lot of cans to catch up on, I'll spend more, maybe $50 on the next shopping trip. I still have a good $160 to work with for when I want to go out to lunch with my friends or if Squish and I don't feel like cooking.

Assess the necessities and what you want to be doing. Side note: Squish has a thing for salad, because it was an alternative for him to not cook vegetables when he was bacheloring it up. Since moving in together, Squish and I cut salad out of our regular shopping trips because he realized he wasn't eating all of it since I made veggies- we were throwing out half full bags of salad every week or so. This is an extra $3-$4 (dressing, etc.) that can be put towards a coffee on a day trip- and we love to take those. It doesn't seem like much, but believe me, it adds up.

It also helps that I don't drink- I never need bar money and I'm not spending extra when it comes to going out to dinner. This isn't a decision made on budget, but it certainly helps and I never have to worry about not having enough for gas.

Remember- it's never a bad thing to save. It feels so good when you've worked to be able to do something and when you've invested time and energy into it. I can't wait to take my trip to NZ because I know I've worked so hard and saved specifically for it, and it will have more than one meaning to it. I know that (if) when I get a new gaming system, it's because I really love to game and it's something I'll get a lot of use out of. Eventually, if I want to put money towards a house (a big life goal), I won't have to take out such a big mortgage... but if I have to, I'll be really good about paying it off!

So get started! If you get paid cash, just make a conscious effort to put X amount aside. Label it. Remind yourself that it's being put towards something- an iPad, new camera, etc- that you really want and it'll get easier. Living with the necessities is so much easier than living in excess because you never really need more- and it's much more enjoyable than people think.

Don't be afraid. Get on the bandwagon. We have fun here.

[trevelyan006-blog]

"I just want to be an adult!": The Closet.

For the past year, I’ve been in a real job; mostly I've been adjusting to living on my own and attempting to save. I’m lucky- scratch that, really lucky- to be in a position that allows me to save or put money towards long term investments; most recently, I had LASIK done, which I probably wouldn’t have been able to afford if paying a high rent and utilities and I just finished fully saving for my 12 year-long dream trip to New Zealand, enough that I can have lots of bells and whistles.

I’m trying mighty hard to cut down on the size of my closet because 1> I’m a product of Forever 21 (bastards) and 2> I have a problem where I can’t turn down a good deal if I see myself wearing something once or twice (thanks Mom, who taught me the phrase, “They’re practically giving it away!”). This year alone, I’ve had three closet purges (including this recent one), all about the size below.

I KNOW. IT’S HORRIFYING. THREE OF THOSE. The first two were definitely more wild in color- I've been trying to stick to neutral colors, but five off white shirts still isn't practical, is it? I have more clothes at my parents' house. I don’t know why. I don't live there anymore.

I’m working on making my closet more practical and less trendy- less numbers, more use. My job as a resident director at a small university allows me to dress anywhere from really comfortable to really professionally- I like to be somewhere in the middle and sometimes it really depends on the weather (I prefer not to wear jeans, but winter chills call for them). I only finished my master's (straight out of undergrad) about a year and a half ago, so my residents can range from two to six years younger than me. Most of the time they are surprised to see my degrees on my wall and they think I am a college student with them, so I really count on clothing to make sure they know to take me seriously when they walk into my office or if I inspect their rooms.

A few days ago, I came across this article at XOJane, which tested this idea of a capsule closet: 33 items of clothing, split into year-round clothing and seasonal clothing that can be swapped out for spring/summer and fall/winter. (Specifically, the writer said that she used to shop for short, sparkly things that she might wear "one day"- this is me! I had to do it!) I found it intriguing for its financial ideas: limit your closet, accentuate what you have, and wear the heck out of "good" items you've been saving for a nice day at work. (Why am I not wearing that great work dress I have? Because tomorrow might be a better day for it. Or next week. I'll wear this crappy one.) Only buy clothing if you plan on replacing something you have. You can read more of it through the links.

What made sense to me in the articles was how they stressed the word love. Only keep items you love. It gave me the mentality to seriously assess my closet and think about the items I wore often.

Well, I like challenges so I started the purge the day after I read the article. In the past few weeks, I've done some serious damage control and have about 40 pieces of clothing (not including shoes and accessories as Project333 does). I'm going to try and cut down to 35 by July. Stay tuned for the journey!

[one-eyed-pom]

Cis people are acting like us trans people are not curious about other trans peoples’ birth/legal names. You know how we deal with it? Keeping it to ourselves.

Curiosity isn’t a problem until you start acting like things are your business and your inward thoughts come outward. We get it, curiosity is a part of the human condition. You know what else is? Respecting peoples’ boundaries.

[trevelyan006-blog]

This applies.

[gingerlygingeruk]

I have the privilege to be friends on facebook with James McMahon, Editor of Kerrang! He posted this today and it’s the first thing to slightly lift my sense of nausea with the whole Ian Watkins story, because he addresses very important points regarding the young female audience, beside the...

[andreis-reaper]

I may be just an old fashioned guy, but in my day when someone raped a baby how you felt about their music meant fucking nothing.

Stop defending pedophiles, you fucking idiots.

[trevelyan006-blog]

Preach.

[trevelyan006-blog]

Well, there you go. Check yourself.

PS enabling goes hand in hand with encouraging.

[trevelyan006-blog]

Well, there goes high school.

I have spent the past few days agonizing and thinking about The Lost Prophets and Ian Watkins' case. That link is just one of hundreds of articles about the case.

When I was an awkward student in high school and before I got into NIN, I had only three CDs (yup, those) in heavy rotation. BoyHitsCar's title album (Google them). Evanescence's Fallen (not ashamed). Start Something by The Lost Prophets. I was never an obsessive fan who needed to see the band live and wait for them outside and take pictures with them and all those things. I can only name a few members from each of those. I've actually never listened closely to any of the follow-up albums to any of those bands, with the exception of NIN- just a few times to know their songs, but they were never as good as the first ones. What I did have (and still have) was the tendency to fall in love with an album and never let it go- memorizing dips in the songs and drops of the chorus; hearing a counter-melody or harmonization and really thinking, knowing, what pulled everything together and listening to songs just to hear certain moments.

Something about Start Something's melodies, its vocals- some of the songs aren't even that remarkable, but there's that one moment or lyric that made me stop and think "Whoa." "Dude, you HAVE to listen to The Lost Prophets," I remember telling my CD-swap buddy in Spanish (period 5, to be exact). "It's just THAT good." Their songs were my anthems. I wrote their lyrics all over my notebook covers. I listened to Last Train Home on repeat, on my way to and from school. Start Something was my pre-game, hype album for volleyball games. It was one of the few CDs I packed with me when I went to college. I fell in love, my first love, to the lyrics of Last Summer. I burned a copy for my first car. It was an album that I discovered, rediscovered, journeyed with, and grew up with.

I guess you can say Ian Watkins narrated a good portion of my life. I believed in them. I believed him as he sang to me about pain and life and love. Terrifying. I listened to Start Something a few weeks ago before I knew anything about the trial and I remember marveling over its excellence. I listened to them last week and felt sick. This person positively affected me and now the fondest memories of this record are nothing more than a smear. But I am one of the lucky ones. Confused, hurt, yes; but my life will go on.

When Watkins pled guilty to his numerous sex offenses- attempted and committed rape on minors, the infant abuse, the filming of sex with underage girls- "Wait, what?" I didn't even know he had been arrested and it wasn't in American news. I looked further into the case and was- still am- horrified. There are too many things to be said that shouldn't have to be said, because things like this should not be happening.

The rockstar mentality. The subject of adolescent sexuality. The role of an adult in sexuality. Exploitation. The bystander effect. The struggle and denial to recognize when a friend is a monster. The list goes on. There are numerous things that are just now being looked at because of this one person. It's a shame and a tragedy that it took this much to recognize wrong.

I believe that young adults or teenagers or whatever you want to call them have the right and freedom over their bodies and sexuality; however, it is not an adult or experienced person's right to participate in that; there is no consent in that, only manipulation.

I cannot even fathom the amount of young girls he took advantage of- forever changed and lost, whether it was "consensual" or not. The amount of people that he has permanently damaged- mentally, physically, and emotionally- is outrageous.

Keep in mind that events and records like these don't happen overnight. This was something built up over time, something conceived, thought out, and put into motion. Reports say that it was around 2006 this all started- that's seven years without action. It probably started off with one underage fan; and then another; then one younger. It only takes a little to go so far. Think of how many adults in that time chose not to say or do anything and think of how hard it is to admit that these crimes are being admitted by someone you know intimately.

Watkins exploited his role; he burned down homes; he destroyed lives; he tainted memories; he killed beauty. Everything he sang, that voice that comes from the speakers, whatever good he put forth, however he affected you- all a lie, all ulterior motive.

My heart goes out to the victims: the damaged. The ones who believe(d) he is "innocent". His silent band mates and manager and road crews. I hope they all find their justice.

[digivolvin]

white people who get angry if you wear a batman shirt without reading the comics but think criticism of cultural appropriation is overreacting.

[trevelyan006-blog]

Hello! I just rad your post about the woman who asked you if you were Tibetan. I am so, so sorry that you experienced such offense. I do want to ask you though, do you think by her asking that she was being ignorant? If a person is genuine in asking a question like that, it is because they are trying to be MORE informed. It's pretty rude she approached a complete stranger in public like that, and I wasn't there so I suppose that is why I am asking. Some people mean it genuinely and some do not.

Thanks so much for your words! I feel like in this particular case, in seeing that we were not in conversation together or about it, it was a pretty standard yes or no question, she was not a person involved at the dinner, and I still don't know who she is, she was not trying to be more informed. Also, I don't know where this information would have been applied and why. It appeared to be more for her own or her friend's general curiosity upon seeing me and not even bother to ask my name or profession.

I usually point questions like these to being socially oblivious or just plain uninformed or uneducated in specific areas, so ignorant would be the most accurate term for most cases. I usually also answer much more patiently and kindly (this kind of education requires time and a lot of explaining), but the whole thing just rubbed me the wrong way; especially because after the incident, I was informed that she was a professor on campus in a department, who would have the proper education in cultural and social awareness, as well as be sensitive to students and people she works with.

[trevelyan006-blog]

"Are you Tibetan?" - This is not okay.

Last night, I was at a lovely dinner in town with my Squish and a few coworkers. (Pork cheeks- who knew?) As we were wrapping up the night, a woman came over to our table and greeted my director and my Squish. Not completely unusual; we all work on a small college campus and it's not rare to see other fac/staff around and know each other. But.

She said an entirely brief, empty hello to them and then looked straight at me and asked, "Are you Tibetan?"

I looked around at my table. My Squish and coworkers (all white) all had the same expression as I did: smiles frozen. I then got over the shock of a complete stranger interrupting my delightful dinner for no real fulfilling purpose and said a short "No." With a smile, of course.

(I should have answered, "No, I'm actually Offended." I was too irritated.)

She made it even better: "My friend over there is Tibetan and saw you and was excited." (Because that's ok. -_-) At this point, I was annoyed and wanted to be left alone. I gave her the answer that she wanted, that I personally have never believed or agreed with: "No, I'm Chinese." I didn't look long enough to see the reaction on her face when she left; my Squish (who didn't get my attention by asking me that question, by the way) unnecessarily apologized a few times and my coworkers, who get it, labeled the night as #AsianProblems (I like them).

Yes. I was entirely insulted. For many reasons.

Firstly, what is your business interrupting my meal? We weren't standing at a bar, making small talk with random people. This was clearly an intimate, planned dinner between friends, adults who have busy schedules and don't always have the time for such swanky stuff. It was rude and unwarranted. Manners! Really!

Ah, and, the bigger picture aka time for a rant. For the record, I've gotten several variations of the the "Where are you from?" and "What's your ethnicity?" over the past several years; I feel that this is masked as a socially acceptable question to ask Asian Americans and it's not okay. Because we are who we see ourselves as and are not here for your imposed beliefs. I've usually answered with New York City or American, my parents are Chinese-American first gen, my grandparents are Chinese, and am met with "Not, but really, where are you from?" or "Oh, so you're Chinese." For a time, I answered pleasantly and compliantly with what people wanted to hear, straightforward Chinese. But I've grown old and weary from answering falsely and this irrelevant question of what I am and not who I am.

Because, hey, get it, I'm actually from New York City and am completely white-washed to the point where I don't identify with the Chinese part of Chinese American. That's just who I am. Okay? Continue about your day. I've never felt compelled to be anything else or trace my genealogy or connect to the motherland, whatever. I really wish I could speak French and I want fabric walls in my future home and I read all I can about Angel (it's still a good show). Deal with it and carry on, as most people usually do when and whether they get a cheery or annoyed answer and walk away. My ethnicity and thus my business are not your concern and don't affect you. I do me and I am fine. You do you and you're fine too. Seriously. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS, NOTHING TO SEE HERE. BUT REALLY.

Here's what people who ask this question (educated or not) just don't get it and is at the root of those sort of questions and the connotations behind their words, questions, and responses: that I, from the way I look, am Other than human, than normal, and that in itself is an offense. Beyond that, it also impliesI can't possibly identify with something else that the few things I look like, and therefore I must be stupid or wrong or, hey- she wants to be white. Nay. I get racism. I've studied oppression, for all things. I understand social structures, class struggles, Marxist 4 Lyfe, etc, etc. When people hear my acknowledgement of being super Americanized, it's not me being colorblind (eff that) or ignorant, it's me accepting the culture I grew up with. That culture happens to be "American," and that phrase itself is probably 51% "white." I'm who I am and I. Am. Enlightened. For myself and my own purpose and no one else.

It's interesting that my aggression over the subject of my own ethnicity doesn't come into play in my own conversation until somebody else brings it up and makes it an issue. Kind of like a "You ask for it, you get it." Here's where manners again come into play- if I am not talking about it, then maybe you shouldn't ask me. I do polite conversation. Polite conversation involves scaffolding of sorts: you mention something, I catch it, I ask you about it, vice versa and we are friendly, we exchange numbers and eventually go see a movie together and maybe even shoe shopping. It's that offering of information that opens that doorway to that discussion. You don't barge into someone's dinner for information that you won't ever use. What that question and answer and processing of my answer is, is actually something like this: "GREAT. You also are a fan of green apples. COOL. Oh hey, THERE'S my life, completely UNAFFECTED. See you later."

For all this woman knows, I could have been adopted. Maybe I was conceived via in vitro fertilization or there was a nasty divorce or a one night stand and in those cases the sperm was Asian and the egg was something else and I FIND THE WHOLE THING VERY TRAUMATIZING and EVERY TIME someone asks me THAT DAMN QUESTION, I run into a corner and CRY, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS. This was someone who is probably socially conscious, studies culture, and has a master's or doctorate- are you kidding me? Not everyone goes by what they look like- we are taught when we are children that it's not on the outside, but what's in the inside- why does no one follow that into adulthood? Not everyone goes by the book- do you assume everyone has cis-gender parents? Are both those parents present in their lives? Is everyone who is not white or black not from this country? Is everyone white or black from this country? Do you also assume everyone has a car or has worked two jobs before getting to college? Does everyone on campus have loans? Do you fart in your sleep? Personal things you would never ask someone about right away- what makes this particular question any different? This is not okay- even if you have good intentions of asking someone something, maybe it's not within their best interests.

If you want to get to know someone, then get to know them. If not, then don't interrupt my dinner. I have more fulfilling moments to make and relationships to establish.

[trevelyan006-blog]

"I'm not racist, I'm married to an Asian woman."

You ever meet those people who claim they aren't racist or sexist or whatever and then follow it up with something that a non-something would never say? Yeah.

It sickens me when I hear someone saying things like the above. Or "I'm not racist, I have plenty of black friends." "I can't be sexist, I have a girlfriend. If I were sexist, I'd be gay." "I've got nothing against gays, I just wouldn't date them... No homo."

I don't want to get too into it, but this angers me and has set me off. The above quote in particular is something I've seen on Facebook by a family member. My heart drops a little every time I see something like that. This guy is in my family. His offspring is my blood.

"I'm not racist, I'm married to an Asian woman" essentially translates into: Here's proof that I'm not racist! If I were racist, there's no way I could ever imagine sharing my bed with this "thing". You're still implying that there is something wrong with your relationship, something Other! But do you know what it is? Do you accept what it is? This statement (and others like it) preach the term "color blind," which can be confused for "tolerance" and "diversity" and other politically correct terms.

Here's a lesson that self-professed "non-racists" need to learn: Color blind is NOT the same as racial tolerance.

Color blind is ignoring what separates us and pushing the issues under the rug. Color blind says "We are ignoring you. We are ignoring what white privilege has taught us to be wrong about your ethnicity instead of confronting that privilege and the brainwashing that has taken place for thousands of years."

Being color blind is NOT confronting racism. Color blind is ignoring it; and every minute you ignore it, you tell a person of color to shut up and deal with it. This is not the proper way to encourage equality. This is not the proper way to push for diversity. You can't just tell someone "You're equal because you have voting rights and can work where the white man works!" and expect all to be right in the world.

You can't push for something if you are refusing to acknowledge it.

Not everyone is born racist- but everyone is taught racism, whether they know it or not. Unteach it. Unlearn it. Do whatever it takes to know the difference.

Just don't ignore it.

[trevelyan006-blog]

Semi-rambling of reflection.

As a person who thinks (sometimes) too much, I like comparing my current life to where it was a year ago, two years ago, etc, etc, etc... I like to keep track of if I’ve grown or matured or not. Because if I haven’t, then what’s the point? It’s been happening a lot more because I work with students and they make me think about what I was like (yo, I don’t remember complaining that much).

Dude. Reflection is a scary thing sometimes.

Last year, I was working part-time in an enjoyable or self-absorbed environment; depending on who was around that day or who was randomly hired. Actually, I probably got the most learning about people and human nature, which was either a beautiful or disgusting thing, depending on who I was talking to. Made a lot of good friends. Saw a lot of variety of people I don’t care to know and who aren’t beneficial to me (I need to like you to care about you- it’s a weird selfish/selfless circle of things). Went to a birthday party for someone I didn’t necessarily care for; spent a lot of time listening to people who refused to face their problems (ah, immaturity). As an educator, I was reaching through to only about five students a week (three were the same person each week). To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t doing anything particularly beneficial to myself except reading (and thus learning) a whole lot. Waking up in the morning was another step towards getting out of that place (mentally and physically) which was my sole motivation. I worked with it, or at least tried to, and now I’m in a completely different place.

I’ve been incredibly happy for the past few months to be in a job I am passionate about, to be in love with someone who enhances and accepts me  more than anyone else I’ve ever known, and to have friends and family that support and complement/compliment (YES for WORDS) me. I couldn’t ask for more (except maybe a dog and solid exit plan).

I’ve come full circle (but really, I’m Aragorn), I think to when I first got to New Paltz. I’ve stated a few times that NPZ is the place where I’ve learned, grown, and matured the most and that sentiment has never changed. Did I learn and grow from when I was back on the island? Yes, but not in particularly enlightening ways that make me feel good.

To pull from Hegel (Georg William Freidrich!), you realize what you are when you see things you aren’t; and when I was there, it was a whole lot of “nope”- just the exposure of humanity was enough for me (Whattup Sandy). But that is fine and okay in its own strange way because I believe in not living with regrets, rolling with what variables are thrown at you, and adjusting.

Life is all about adjusting. There are too many things you just can’t control. (Especially people- they are all set in their own ways.) And that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that. Accept that Life is like a small child: it shits on you when it will (like a small child) and there’s really nothing you can do about it (because small children poop when they feel like it); working with Life (or changing its diaper) is that much easier when you realize wishing it didn’t shit isn’t going to do anything and there’s only so much you can do (aka work with change) to make it not smell. Once you learn to handle whatever is thrown at you, life becomes so much more beautiful in its small intricacies; the shit doesn’t matter. What matters is what and how you make of it. Learning to let go is one of the most selfless and powerful things you can do. Once you accept the things that happen and think of what you can do instead of what should have, could have happened, you begin making the change you always wished for. Invest in yourself; and then you can invest in what you can do to help others.

I’ve had a lot of students complain to me in the past few days, about how crappy or complicated their lives are; little do they know things will be so different in two years. They’ll forget they complained about anything and look back on this time with fondness and tickles of delight. I wish I had enough time to sit down with each one of them and say, “Slow down. You control what you can and work with what you can’t.” Sooner or later they all figure it out on their own, but I’d like to make it easier for them.

I hope it doesn't seem like I'm forcing this on anyone. That would be detrimental.

To Do List (should be renamed “To Learn List”):

Revisit Hegel.

Revisit Karl.

Finish Les Mis, damnit. I realize I haven’t picked up that book in almost a year because of Sandy. I believe it to be one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever lain eyes on and I still have 300 pages left to go.

[trevelyan006-blog]

This exists?

Apparently things don't die over time. At least not on the internet. Was this page just floating around in cyberspace?

Blink.

The pause from blogging, I suppose, is that I have very little reason to use it any more. Readers or followers are nice, but that isn't really a goal- never really was. Personally, I used it to get thoughts out completely, to reflect, like any other normal journal or whatever. Blogging was reacting to things that I wasn't able to with teachers or with friends- I like to say that my writing style and moral/belief building was due to this allowance of free thought and opinion, a "figure it out yourself". I would say that blogging has been a huge part in capturing my essence and identity. That being said, I believe I know who I am at this point and accept it and even like it. But. I. Like. To. Think. And the internet is a glorious (sometimes fascinating) place to think and reflect on the subject of humanity and moral and meaning and logic. As I am a fan of the Other, naturally.

So maybe I will try to be gentle with this one and ease back in. I was on this Tumblr for a while and BOY, what a piece of crap that is. There's very little... thought or originality that goes on there. It's all just one big gloopy mess. Is it a great way for people to network or bond over things? Yes. But I don't think I've seen people get their thoughts out clearly on there, just a "OMG THIS IS COOL!!11"

But why? The never-ending question that very few people seem to answer. The question I always want to ask and desire to hear a proper answer to.

Compete thoughts cannot be made in such empty phrases.

Maybe I am just a fan of words.

We are our own patois.

[trevelyan006-blog]

This is a what?

For the past two months and change, I've been involved in this weird thing called a relationship. I KNOW. I've been referring to myself as "single" (though not fully emotionally unattached) for the past four-plus years. It's WEIRD. I'll probably talk about it more openly in the future because no one reads this and I can.

I still think everyone needs to go through a completely single period. FIND YOURSELF.

That being said, I'm currently struggling with being really happy with this guy, but not because the relationship isn't good. It's great. He's a great person. I've laughed more than I can remember, the sex is fantastic, I go to sleep genuinely relaxed and happy, we make memories together, I find myself really wanting to do things for him, and this is the first time where I feel the connection is real and significant.

The struggle comes from losing sight of the person I became last year- someone I am very proud of who is independent in thought, mind, and body; someone who is confident, etc, etc. I think the independence part is what's throwing me off. As much as I'd like to keep that aspect (and he's given me time and space, etc whenever I think I need it), I can't help but feel that I'm losing the part of myself where I keep me happy. I know giving up part of the self and unto another person is one of those relationship contractual obligations, so I'm going to have to find one of those happy mediums.

You know, I guess. I like where I am now too so I'll have to.