TricksterConfessional

I use this to vent. However, you can talk to me if you like~

[tricksterconfessional-blog]

What Am I?

I never looked at my body and thought, “This is wrong.” “This is ugly.” That isn’t to say I felt attractive..but I never assumed that one day I would feel differently.

[tricksterconfessional-blog]

Questioning

But not my sexuality. That’s long since been discovered and thrown about on a flag. Instead I’ve starting developing discontent with my body. At first it was my weight and my hair. Then it made a jump.

Something I don’t have, that I want. A face that I crave to carve mine into. And body I’m more comfortable with.

I still want parts of me though. I don’t want everything to change.

I want some kind of middle ground...

Something more me.

[tricksterconfessional-blog]

Nobody Will See This

Not a friend, not an enemy

That’s why I come here. It’s like screaming into the abyss all that I can and not being judged in return. I can be as loud as I want, or as quiet as a whisper, but no one ever responds. It’s just beautiful, aching, silence.

[thegoodvybe]

[thelovejournals]

Nothing is worse than when someone who’s supposed to love you just leaves.

Ava Dellaira, Love Letters to the Dead (via thelovejournals)

[fyp-philosophy]

How long have you been holding those words in your head, hoping to use them?

John Locke (via wordsnquotes)

[thequotejournals]

Jealousy is nothing more than a fear of abandonment.

Arab proverb (via thequotejournals)

[tricksterconfessional-blog]

I hate my body

155 pounds and all I can think about is shedding calories I intake. I look at my fitbit after every exercise, after every day and look at the calories I’ve burned with pride. Like that’ll some how help me. Like these numbers give me comfort in that I’m not gaining weight...but then I look in the mirror and I continue this self hatred of my body. Little voices whisper that the exercise isn’t helping...that I’m getting bigger. Little voices then urge that I should eat less. Starve myself...because that’s when I feel happy. I feel happy when I only eat one meal a day with less than 1200 calories. But then stress and depression and anxiety beg me to eat for comfort. Then I struggle and repeat. Count calories. Cut my intake. Exercise more. Lose it. Lose it all.

[tricksterconfessional-blog]

I am alive..

[tricksterconfessional-blog]

You

You are the reason I don’t think I’ll live to see the age of thirty. That’s a brief time away from now.  Then again, I always viewed my death as accidental--the same way I came into this world. So maybe it’s not you I should blame, but you definitely don’t help.

[tricksterconfessional-blog]

Déjà vu

Here we go again. My brother mentions his anxiety attacks and everyone jumps to help him. I mention I’m having an anxiety attack and it’s brushed off. The only difference is that it’s a different brother, albeit their personalities are remotely the same. Fine. I’ll deal as usual. By myself. Lets hope I don’t fall into the same pit as before and have people wonder why it happened. 

[tricksterconfessional-blog]

Desire

I don’t deserve sleep. I don’t deserve the clothes that give me comfort. I don’t deserve the warmth my blankets give me, nor the the internet I’m using. I should have just kept it to myself. It wasn’t worth bringing up when all it’s done is made you upset. I don’t deserve the clothes on my back. I should suffer the same cold my heart gives off to others. But, most importantly, I don’t deserve you. I never have. I’m nothing desirable. 

[tricksterconfessional-blog]

I Remember Now

I am now remembering why I strayed from a relationship. Not that I was promiscuous. I just simply avoided the interaction of love. Love make me green with envy, if only because I am insecure.  It matters not how many times I hear those three magic words, nor the actions you take. I am untrusting and I know i shouldn’t be. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve been good to me, but all of this feels almost too good to be true. It’s never been this good. No one’s been this good to me. So I’m waiting for that stinging slap from reality. My mind is pacing trying to put the pieces together. I find problems where there is none, and still you patiently show me the truth. There is nothing to fear, yet I still do. Because I’d be wrecked if you left, and that’s the truth.

[tricksterconfessional-blog]

What I Desire Most

All I ever wanted was a normal childhood.  I never asked to experience what I did and, even to this day, all I want is an ounce of normalcy.

[tricksterconfessional-blog]

Reminder 2

I need to keep reminding myself that just because it feels like I’ll never find someone as good as he is that I thought the same thing about another guy and then met this one. There’s always someone else if this doesn’t work out. They may be hard to find. But they’re there.

[tricksterconfessional-blog]

Reckless and Rewarding.

You know those times where you have to see something through to the end? Even if you know damn well that the likelihood of it ending well is slim to none? I’m in one of those times. This is an incredibly bad idea. But I can’t just give in...I have to see it through. Because even though the chances are slim...Something amazing could happen..and that’s what’s driving me.

[tricksterconfessional-blog]

Not Yet

I had to bite my tongue the other day because I wanted so badly to say “I love you.” However, it’s too soon for that.