It's too early to quit, right?

The blog of two over-worked, definitely exhausted second year English teachers just trying to figure this out? Join us for stories of trombones, carhorns, and the minds of 14 and 11 year olds.

[quatara]

me: *doesnt do my work*

my teacher: *puts in a 0*

me:

[trombonesandcarhorns]

My student: *doesn’t do their work*

Me: *puts in a 0*

My student: what can I do to bring my grade up? Can I do extra credit work?

Me:

[trombonesandcarhorns]

You know you’re a teacher when all of the 36 new pencils you bought disappear in two days and are mysteriously replaced by five extra pairs of scissors that were accidentally left in the room.

[trombonesandcarhorns]

Me: *Posts a digital homework update*

My students:

Me: 🤦🏻‍♀️

[trombonesandcarhorns]

My hand hurts and my brain hurts. Can I be done?

-my student after 20 minutes of work

[trombonesandcarhorns]

Every day I give my students a meme of the day that is topical and funny (in my opinion). Here are some of my highlights so far this year:

A little bit of Robert Frost...

I've gotta be relatable somehow.

This one also channeled my personal frustrations as a teacher. Just replace all the figurative language with grading.

Shout out to all my Greek Mythology nerds.

I couldn't resist adding a second Greek Mythology one because I enjoyed this one way too much too.

And finally, my most recent one. Only one kid got it, but he thought it was funny and gave me a high five and that's all the validation I needed for the rest of the year.

[trombonesandcarhorns]

I love the rumor mill at my school. In just three days it's been going around that another teacher has gotten fired for hurting a student (FYI none of the rumors kids are spreading are true)

However, all of the quotes below were spoken verbatim from three different students of mine throughout the week.

Day one: "I heard she's suspended for pushing a kid down"

Day two: "Did you hear that she got fired for punching a kid?"

Day three: "Apparently she strangled someone!"

[advanced-procrastination]

Kid brought the world’s hottest chocolate to school today and was daring ppl to eat it. Two guys tried it and freaked out, and one of them ran to the cafeteria to buy a bunch of milks. A girl tried it, snatched a protein shake off a classmate’s desk and chugged it, then ran to the bathroom and barfed. The kid who brought it was laughing the whole time and taking videos.

Then he dared me to try it and the class was all for it. So i popped it in my mouth and continued on with my work. I hiccupped like twice (i do that when i eat spicy stuff) and that was it. The kid was sitting there videoing and when he realized I wasn’t gonna react he got Big Mad. It wasn’t even that hot — the wings i get from Zaxby’s are hotter. Then just as a power move, I intentionally never took a drink of anything for the whole period while the kid glared at me.

Cower before me, child. Your spices barely register as mild, for you are weak.

[trombonesandcarhorns]

I love everything about this. Asserting teacher dominance is the only way I survive on a daily basis. 🙌🏼

[trombonesandcarhorns]

The other day in homeroom I was having a whole class discussion to re-enforce behavior expectations for when they are in the hallway. A few of them had been rather rude for the last few weeks, yelling in the hall and banging on doors while other classes were teaching. It was a pretty serious conversation. I used my stern teacher voice because I really wanted to emphasize that they needed to cut the shit. Here's how this serious talk ended:

Me: Is that clear? Are we going to behave more appropriately in the halls from now on?

*Some students nod in response. Others aren't paying attention.*

Me: Can I get vocal confirmation?

Students (apathetically): Yes.

One student: Yassssss Queen.

*cut to me seriously trying (and failing) to maintain my stern teacher expression*

[trombonesandcarhorns]

I have a student who has started to do this odd, but charming thing every day. Whever the bell rings and I close the door to get the classes attention, she comes up to me, holds her pencil towards my face like a microphone, and asks me a question.

The questions vary like: What's your life's dream? What is your favorite food? Where do you want to travel?

Pretty simple stuff. I always chuckle and answer pretty quickly.

Until yesterday. I closed the door, turned around, was greeted by "How old do you want to be when you die?"

TL;DR: Children are terrifying

[trombonesandcarhorns]

For context: My 6th grade students are writing a narrative with Greek heroes fighting monsters. My student asked if they could make up a new type of monster and I said yes.

*Student raises hand*

Me: Yes?

Student: Can I call my monster ‘the horniest?’

My brain:

*Absolutely positive that it didn’t hear him correctly*

Me: Um...what did you say?

Student: Can I name my monster ‘the horniest?’ You know, because it has a lot of horns.

Me: ...Maybe workshop that name a bit...

[trombonesandcarhorns]

Update: he went with 'the hornucopia' and I fucking love it.

[trombonesandcarhorns]

You know you've checked out for winter break when you accidentally drop an f-bomb while your students are doing their work. The best part? I just kept talking. Dead ass didn't even realize I did it. Then they all just stared at me with shocked expressions and started laughing.

[trombonesandcarhorns]

For context: My 6th grade students are writing a narrative with Greek heroes fighting monsters. My student asked if they could make up a new type of monster and I said yes.

*Student raises hand*

Me: Yes?

Student: Can I call my monster ‘the horniest?’

My brain:

*Absolutely positive that it didn’t hear him correctly*

Me: Um...what did you say?

Student: Can I name my monster ‘the horniest?’ You know, because it has a lot of horns.

Me: ...Maybe workshop that name a bit...

[trombonesandcarhorns]

Yesterday, one of my students referred to Hercules as “the Karen Smith of Greek heroes” and I didn't even try to hide how funny I thought her comment was.

[trombonesandcarhorns]

wanna know the thing I hate about teaching the most?

me: teaching and trying to explain parallel structure after finally getting the class quiet

that one student who hasn’t been here all quarter, didn’t show at all last quarter, and you know for a fact won’t do his work because he hasn’t given you a single thing all year: Wait! I need you to give me all of my missing work. Like right now.

me: well, I’m teaching so I’ll get to you in a minute because don’t interrupt me.

and when I finally get over to them:

Me: so, what assignments do you need?

them: idk, i haven’t looked at my grade. I thought you would do that.

[trombonesandcarhorns]

two days before thanksgiving break:

a 14 year old who definitely knows how school works: wait, Ms. D why are you making us do work? do you hate us? It’s thanksgiving!

...I mean I hate them sometimes

[trombonesandcarhorns]

It's honestly impressive that my 2nd period class has the ability to age me more in a 45 minute class period than presidents age over the course of two terms in office.

Sincerely,

A very exhausted middle school teacher

[trombonesandcarhorns]

Student: So, if there are half-siblings, and step-siblings, and stepmothers....then can there also be half-mothers?

Me confused: I don’t really know.

Student: But like, what if my dad remarried and then they got divorced and his second wife remarried my mom?

Me: