The life of a troubledsome mind

Any topic on your mind, send or ask for my opinion or just to start the conversation going .. nothing is off topic here since im an over-thinker

[troubledsome-mind]

March 24th 2:20 Am

i finally told my dad i was dropping out and he just took it better than i had thought he would.

i actually thought he was going to beat the shit out of me and tell me how a pathetic piece of shit i am and then kick me out the house .. instead he just called me the family embarrassment and disappointment if i go through with this and you know what i dont care at this point, i’ll be okay with it, as long as i remember my friends that i have are my family, i’ll be extremely okay with life.

the funniest thing of it all is that he said i was being selfish because i wasn't thinking about the family and only of myself .. how funny, who thought i was being selfish because i was thinking of MYself and MY FUTURE that i have to build on MY own .. Anyway

i get more support and love from my friends than i will ever get from my parents to begin with .. well from my dad mainly .. Anyways, heres to another day and another day of quarantine with him, i hate my life

[katttbrattt-deactivated20260218]

u wanna fuck but u don't know my favorite color?

[agentjazzy]

reposting this from twitter bc it's making me lose my mind

[zillychu]

howdy

[especially]

[troubledsome-mind]

Its been a year

I just finished walking my dog and as i was walking her down that one road, i felt the breeze of the wind burn my face and all i could think of was that one day .. until i realized that one day was a year ago today, i quickly wanted to cry because i couldn't believe its already been a year.

A year ago today we had planned to meet up for the second time in the same year, and i honestly would have never thought you’d never get to hear the shitty shit i had to go through in order to see you. Exactly at nine o’clock i left the house because i lied to my parents (like always) and told them i was going to the movies with ANOTHER friend who’s a girl and wont be back to until 12:00pm or so later and they were okay with it

so i left at 9pm thinking i would be able to figure out who i could hangout with as i walked out the house, i didn’t, instead i spent 1 hour waiting in the park, that isn’t a park, its really a block park where old heads would go to, to play chess with other old heads, and i stood there until i couldn’t bare the cold anymore and walked towards my church and stood between the alleyway of the church and the highway, there i spent another hour waiting on you because you decided to go straight home to shower AND THEN come and pick me up. i will never forget how hard i struggled to stay warm out in the cold because knowing how strict my parents are, they would have never allowed to let me leave the house the time you choose to really pick me up, which was at 11:00 pm.

i guess once you picked me up, the rest is history, i got home at 12pm and that would be the last time i’d see your face

a year ago today would be the last time i’d leave the house without a mask; a year ago today would the last time i’d touch you, speak to you face to face, & the last time i’d get to see your smile, this was all i could think of when that burning breeze hit my face .. damm, it feels exactly like it did that day, tonight im filled with a lot of emotions and its okay, you’ll be my favorite memory until i completely forget about you, & for that, Thank you and Goodbye

[troubledsome-mind]

Dream 2/21/21

For the first time i dreamt of you & you weren’t this mean or rude person to me, you were the person i knew as my friend & when i woke up i didn’t cry nor did i wake up sad, but i woke up with more relief than ever. the morning felt so quiet for once

Who knows maybe because my dream took place in school & in school we weren’t friends & i didn’t like you during our hs years ... but i was still aware that you were speaking to me & you were being you, you were being the funny, no care, humble person you are, & i ignored you the whole time you tried chiming in the conversation i was having with others. when the class finished you asked if i could talk to you & i ignored you while getting up & leaving the class .. my dream didn’t end there but it did with you.

& waking up, i guess nothing really changed in my dreams, although the roles switched & was no longer me who was being ignored, we still haven’t talked, not even in my dreams, but i cant say i wasn’t happy to finally hear you be YOU cause i was & i cant complain & if this dreams means i'll be okay just not knowing you anymore then so be it, i’m going to be okay & for that i can only wish you the best in this life of not knowing you anymore, we’ll be okay.

-TSM

[joshpeck]

in the mood for one....no....several kisses

[susielesbian]

you: birds aren’t that great

me: 

you: holy shit

[pastabot]

today is not my birthday

[pastabot]

reblog if your birthday is not today

[troubledsome-mind]

Just thinking about the time my little brother was on summer break and i taught him how my older brother and i use to kill flies for entertainment when we were growing up as kids .. back then we werent THAT dependant on technology for our entertainment so .. it worked lol

[troubledsome-mind]

as long as i continue telling myself that he’s okay and good, i can move on and unblock him and tell myself i never knew him at some point

[destroymylife]

[troubledsome-mind]

The Ferris Wheel

It was the end of the day and we were ready to go home, one person didnt go on the ferris wheel and so i didnt want to stay with them, i chose to go on by myself but of course the group that were on board to go on the wheel, forced me to get in the same lil cart, so here we are, all on the same cart and if you know, theres the point where your cart stops on the very top of the wheel and all you feel is the cold breeze that the height of the earth provides

so you guessed after being forced to continue socializing with others, i then had to worry about the cold breeze, after saying it was too dam cold, my friends friend said “this is where i come in” proceeding to wrap his arms around me and his friend to the left of him, of course i was uncomfortable being, idk, what? given any kind of affection, especially if its coming from a technical stranger, i tried my best to get out of it by doing the “ohh look at that” and trying to get up and out from his arm but it just aint work, so i decided to just let it happen, just appreciate the jester, i sunk my head into his chest and as no one talked and all you heard was the silence of the breeze and the creaky ferris wheel, it was perfect .. until my beautiful mind that i have no control of started wondering off and made its own thoughts that i had to thought as it thought it .. i started thinking about HIM .. not the guy holding me but HIM, idk why but my mind went straight to thinking that i could pretend it was HIM and for that second i did, i thought it was him and i felt so warm, why did i do that, why would my mind do that to me, sucked, i finally broke out of it as soon as the ferris wheel started moving again finally going down .. it was such a beautiful jester my friends friend did, until my mind fucked it all up for me

[troubledsome-mind]

Friday, Oct 11, 2020

WHY IS BEING A WOMAN SO HARD, i never got to wear tampon cause my mom was one of those oldheads that believe that if you used it, its because you’re not a virgin and well im not a virgin but she aint gotta know that, point is i never got to wear them growing up but NOW, IM A GROWN AS WOMAN, i do what i want in secret lmao, i tried one today for the second, first aint work but i was determined today was the day, and so it was, right after i fucked up the first time, BUT THE SECOND TIME IT HURT BUT I FIGURED OUT THE MECHANICS AND IT WENT RIGHT UP .. dont be mad, but i kept it for the whole 8 hours .. its 12 am and it was the 8 hours and im aware of the toxic thingy, so BITCH when i tell you i tried to pull it out and it felt like a penis that didnt want to come out, actually, no, thats EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK IT FELT LIKE, a penis that didnt want to come out and i had to choice but to text my friend while i was in the middle of a panic attack, after it got out and what not, i foundout i inserted it the wrong way and i tried to pull it out the wrong way and thats why it hurt when i pulled, i put it in from the back, my friend advised me i did that wrong .. i then told her i tried pulling out from the back and that was also wrong of me to do, but when i switch to pulling it out from the front, it easily slipped out .. best feeling was relief, i shit you not i didnt leave the bathroom until i felt like i wasnt just penetrated by a penis .. i’ll most likely use a tampon again .. less messy and who know, i might know better next time LMAO

Ouh i also made pizza for the first time, came out perfect

[troubledsome-mind]

isn't it crazy that in theory there is 3 types of love and if you’re unlucky you get to experience all three in your lifetime 

[troubledsome-mind]

my charger broke last night so i had nothing to turn my phone off and i shit you not, i couldnt sleep, i couldnt sleep with the thoughts going through my head, i cant stop thinking about this son of a bitch and i cant even go to my friend because they fucking sucks at ANYTHING remotely related to emotions.

i swear i laid my head for two seconds and the rush came through, for some reason i kept playing this movie in my head that im going to bump into him at some point and im going to have this big speech but i still cry, i cant keep it together and i dont know how many more times i have to do this shit, do i HAVE to do this right my head until i dont cry anymore? like what the hell, i really lost my friend and i have no clue or idea why, except the otherthinking ideas that havent failed me yet but what if its that, what if its because im trying my best to not accept those thoughts and its that? UGHHHH IM DOING IT AGAIN 

anyway i got up cause i knew it wouldnt stop, so i got my laptop and popped my airpods in and got on tiktok and knocked out at 3 in the morning because thats what tiktiok does to you, makes you think you’ll just watch 10 tiktoks but in reality you watched 3 hours worth of tiktoks and for that i thank God it hasnt been banned