Turning Around

"I'm sorry but maybe stop doing stupid things? I can only hear the same thing so many times; sometimes you have to have someone slap you in the face before you snap out of it"

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Finished omg

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And now I have to go to tutoring with my school's math teacher, who, turns out, I also lived with for about a week a few months back when my anxiety/whateverthefuckitis got really bad at home. I love her a lot, and would probably do anything for her.

After tutoring, internship with a printmaker in Portsmouth, which actually stresses me out a lot half the time. Mainly because I don't know what I'm doing, I have no experience in the field, and he's usually gone most of the time and I'm alone with another intern (who's actually in college already, and me being awkward as fuck doesn't make that any more comfortable)

bleh I've come to dislike it a lot, which is really disappointing.

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But man was that grilled cheese delicious as fuck!

(I found the computer; my mom's away and she just usually hided it under some blankets in her room LOL) 

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Last night was really weird, didn't feel very good.

My mom got mad and took the computer from me when she saw I wrote "motherfucker" in a private conversations like okay?????

It's whatever though.

I went for a bike ride out of boredom, decided not to tell my mom because I'm spiteful like that, and ended up chilling at Subway for a bit with a glass of water. I saw her drive by twice and called her to let her know where I was, but she wouldn't answer. Then I came home and she took my bike away, which is one of the ways I get out stress eh so I was kind of against her taking it, moreso than the computer strangely enough.

When I got inside I felt super weird and anxious so I started pacing, then I remembered my friend Bryan told me to exercise and get it out of my system whenever I started freaking out, so I went outside and played soccer for a bit, for which my mom came out and screamed "EMI WHAT ARE YOU DOING" but I just kept playing because whatever.

When I came inside I was still slightly freaking out so I walked around my house a few times before doing some pushups. I felt like hitting something really hard so I grabbed my baseball bat and went outside, smacking the ground over and over again. I imagined it was my ex-boyfriend's head, the one who raped me and was emotionally abusive.

I didn't really know I had that much aggression towards him to be honest, because in this weird way, I still love him a lot. It's weird.

When I got back, I started listening to Hollindagain by Animal Collective and painted some weird shit, which I then proceeded to rub all over my body, which also gave me a cool idea for a story! Then shower, finished Hollindagain and Peacebone by laying down and staring at the ceiling for an hour.

Then Adult Swim and sleep.

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Dinner last night: Grilled cheese with American and Parmesan cheese, tomato slices, turkey, basil, and a spread of honey on Canadian White bread! Yummy stuff.

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I went home to watch some damn Adventure Time...

will color when the ink dries x3

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A nice breakfast!

English muffins with butter and organic peanut butter, sunflower seeds (organic, no additives!), and Stonyfield Blueberry yogurt.

=]

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Writing this morning. I have a lot of problems when it comes to my mom.

She's not exactly the most supportive and she ends up stressing me out more than anything.

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Writing a little bit

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Charlie Bartlett.

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Just watched this flick, great stuff.

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And now it's time for a bike ride to wind down the day. I'll write or draw when I get home.

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Dinner for tonight: rice with minced garlic, chicken with sautéed onions and snap peas, and apple sauce. 

Keeping it simple.

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My breakfast for today: A banana and a cup of coffee

I'm going to start cutting back on the coffee intake considering caffeine can trigger anxiety. I caved today though ;__;

Will grab some toast with peanut butter in a second.

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A Few Stories as of Late

^ me lel

But. Anyway, I'm just going to share a few stories that have gotten me to this point.

I'm Emi, and I'm 17 years old. My best friend, and boyfriend in a way, is Pat. I go to him about everything, but because of my bad decisions, he's becoming tired of it all.

I began cutting myself maybe a month or two ago? Whenever I find a sharp object I feel the need to run it across my skin, not even necessarily because I'm sad or whatever, but it almost feels like an instinct. I feel giddy when I cut myself; it makes me happy.

I also started stealing alcohol, which could get me into more trouble than it's worth. The way that alcohol makes me feel is wonderful: I cease to feel at all. It's almost all I can think about now. I constantly want to drink even though I've only done it a few times. This is another thing that, if it continues to go on, can ruin my entire life.

I also have a strong dependency on the opinions of others, which is why I started going to /soc/ on 4chan. Whenever I get a high rating in a rate thread, I feel better about myself. I almost feel like it makes me important since people find me attractive. Getting lower ratings has the opposite effect; I feel worse about myself and even offended. It's pretty stupid because I know I'm really, really beautiful. 

One other aspect that's become a problem: I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Disease a few months back, which is basically a thyroid disorder that has almost the same affects as Bipolar Disorder. Before I was diagnosed, I struggled with major depression. Once and a while I would have manic attacks as well, where I'd become jittery and laugh hysterically, usually scaring the people around me. When I was diagnosed, they put me on Synthroid, which has definitely helped a lot. I still have problems emotionally, though, which in part has to do with my own decisions.

Because of all of these things, I want to start making a change.

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An Introduction

"What the fuck have I even done"

"Self harm, stealing, silly disregard of other peoples feelings, suicide attempts."

It's time to make a change and that's what this blog is about.

Basically, I've been wasting my life away by making terrible decisions in regards to my interests, diet, and general life choices. I'm self-destructive, and it's ruining my life. This blog will be a way to record my life, essentially. It'll be a way to check myself and how I'm doing: to get better.

This is my self-help diary.