Transmasculinity and Forced Feminization within the Trans Community
I would go into the forced feminization that trans men experience from the rest of society, such as family members, church, school, work, local communities, and everywhere that isn’t the queer and trans community, but surely we all know about that. If not, I’ll make another post. This is about the forced feminization trans men have to go through to be accepted into the queer/trans community.
We’ve all heard it before. “Well, you’re a man now.” We as trans men are expected to bear the weight of the patriarchy and the trauma that non cishet men have from cishet men, that we all typically also have from growing up affected by the patriarchy from birth. My ex-girlfriend, a trans woman, tried to kill me some years ago, and the sentiment was clear among other trans people: I’m a man now, and she’s a woman. I should put up with it. It’s transmisogynistic to even bring it up in the first place. I should keep it to myself and bottle it up.
When my mom abused me, it was because I was allegedly born a girl (I’m intersex, but for all practical purposes I was raised a girl). My cis brother was not abused in the same way I was. Arguably he wasn’t abused at all. In fact, he was allowed to beat on me as well, and otherwise do whatever he wanted to me, and I would get hit if I tried to stop him. As I got older and came out, it got much worse. She had more ammo. Make no mistake, when this happened, it was because of the way that I was born, and the way that I am now. It was because of the cispatriarchy.
In 2021, I was dating a man who correctively raped me for being a trans man and a stone top. I’ve mentioned that in my other writing. When he did that to me, it was because I’m a trans man. It was because of the way I was born, and the way I am now. A lot of TERFs and TRFs agree that when we as trans men are abused for being trans men, it’s either because we were brought up as girls, or because we’re trans now. It’s never considered to be an intersection of our marginalization, that trans men are at a higher risk of domestic violence and medical malpractice than other LGBTQ groups and identities. And yet, we are expected as trans men to bear the weight of the patriarchy and the sins of cis men and keep ourselves small and palatable to the queer/trans community, who “have trauma” from people who “look like us.” Usually, keeping ourselves small and palatable means feminizing ourselves for their comfort.
Everyone in the queer/trans community seems to have an opinion on Phalloplasty, Metoidioplasty, and Transmasculinity altogether. In the queer/trans community, outside of Transmasculine spaces, it is not only allowed but encouraged to make unsolicited, offensive, bigoted comments about trans men, penis-creating bottom surgery, and our masculinized bodies. This goes doubly if we’re fat, but skinny trans men aren’t exempt. It also goes doubly for trans men of color.
And on the topic of penis-creating bottom surgery, this is disproportionally fearmongered against by the queer/trans community. Trans women are more likely as a group to at least consider vagina-creating bottom surgery than trans men are with penis-creating bottom surgery. I fully believe that this must be because of the disinformation in the queer/trans community surrounding our options for bottom surgery, what it can look like, what it can feel like, ect. I would like to write a longer form post on this account about it.
Still, it is highly discouraged for trans men to get penis-creating bottom surgery, in the same breath that queer and trans people will praise our “boypussies.” Trans men are expected by their queer/trans partners to be hairless “twinks,” because it’s “hotter, and body hair is so gross.” Trans men often have the terms “twink” and “femboy” used against us in general. We are shamed for our masculinity and are oftentimes coerced and strongarmed into femininity just to be loved and viewed as “safe” for non-trans men, especially the queer/trans ones.
They don’t view us as men. Yes, even the ones who say they do. The ones who are saying they’re treating you poorly because “you’re a man now” don’t see you as a man. They don’t treat cis men in the same way. Trans men are seen as gender traitors in a way that cis men can’t be as they are not trans. Trans men, by people who ascribe to TMERFism (transmasculinity exclusionary radical feminism) are seen as women who transitioned to gain privilege over women. So, not only a failure to conform to womanhood, but a danger to womanhood, even. We are seen as bad actors who just want male privilege even by people who are supportive of trans women. We are not seen as trans in the same way that trans women are. And so we are supposed to compensate, to feminize ourselves where we can, and keep our heads low and not talk about our specialized needs as transmasculine people. And when we don’t, they remind us. They body shame us for our masculinity and push us into a more acceptable, feminine direction. If we have an issue with that, it’s because we simply cannot see why women would be scared of men, because we aren’t affected by misogyny and the patriarchy, and actually every instance of misogyny and transphobia that we’ve experienced either now or before we came out is misdirected, because if they knew we identified as male from the get-go, then it never would’ve happened. Because trans men are not oppressed for being trans men. Trans men are only oppressed for their proximity to cis or trans women. Meanwhile, we aren’t seen as smart enough to speak on our own issues as a minority group. Trans men are expected to delegate our topics and conversations to other people, usually non men, and almost always non trans men.
And don’t even get me started on how they treat butches.
