I've been watching/obsessing over a lot of artists on this site through a friend's account and decided it was time to make one of my own so as to be able to gush my love for you lot in my own words. But one does not simply make a tumblr account and not post anything, so here are the links to all my fanfictions thus far.
They're in reverse order (meaning the oldest ones are at the bottom, the latest are at the top). Some are linked here on the site, some are on my fanfiction, and some my Ao3. Hope it's not too confusing.
This second “epilogue” of sorts is a gift to those still actually reading this angst monster. I thought you could use a little fluff after all that tragedy.
You may need to read chapter 12 again to understand where this one comes from, but it should still make sense on it’s own.
~*~*~*~*~*~
“Raphael.”
That snaps him back. His eyes spring open and he gasps like he’s been holding his breath. He looks confused and… scared? The nerves on the back of my neck perk up immediately. Raph never lets his fear show so openly. Whatever’s happening right now is serious.
“Leo?”
“You alright?” I try not to coddle, not wanting to make the situation worse. But the way his voice sounds—so lost and frightened—is freaking me out. I actually wish he’d go back to shouting at me instead.
“What… What happened?”
He still looks like he’s about to collapse so I lead him over to the bench and help lower him down—he doesn’t fight my assistance so now I know something is wrong. I make sure to keep my voice even as I explain. “You were in the middle of cussing me out for following you tonight when you suddenly stopped talking and closed your eyes. You looked like you were about to pass out.”
As I say it, I move quickly to check his eyes and forehead for signs of illness before he fully comes back to himself and pushes me away. “You don’t have a fever, but your eyes look a little red. Is it a headache?” I stand back slightly, fully expecting him to swipe my hand away and storm off or shout at me to stop worrying or something of an explosive nature. But he just keeps looking at me with wide, frightened eyes.
I can’t stand seeing that look on his face.
“Raph.” He doesn’t answer and my gut is getting twitchier with worry by the second. “Raphael.” His eyes move to my stomach, fear and pain from an unknown source plainly displayed for me to see. It scares me to see him like this. I don’t… I don’t know what to do. I want to help, but I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m about to go running for Sensei when something stops me dead in my tracks.
Tears start streaming down his face. He’s crying. Raph is crying. And I suddenly want to burn the world down to find whatever has done this to my brother.
“Raph.”
I breathe deep to keep my own emotions in check as I kneel in front of him with a hand on each shoulder, giving a firm squeeze while I try to catch his eyeline. I don’t care if he’ll be angry, I just want him to know I’m here.
“Is there anything I can do?”
I don’t know what’s hurting him, but I do know Raph hasn’t cried in front of me since were kids. Whatever this is… I want to help. I have to—
“Why?”
His voice is broken. My chest clenches tighter at the sound of it. I try to be as calm and even as I can. “You’re crying.”
I don’t think he noticed. Still doesn’t seem to. He just stares at me, eyes piercing my own with their pain.
Without thought, I wrap my arms around him, pulling him close as if my embrace could leech the pain from him and onto me. It’s an instinct as old as we are. Older brother instinct to hold onto him as tight as possible until the fear goes away. “I’m here, bro. Whatever’s going on… I’m here.” I squeeze a little tighter, more for my own desperation than his. “I’ve got you.”
His body starts shaking.
“Dammit, Leo…”
I hold firm, pulling him closer.
“Dammit Leo!”
I don’t know what else to do!
“Dammit! LEO—”
“I’m here, Raph!” I’m shouting now too, my own desperation slipping into my voice because I’m suddenly certain that if I let go I’ll lose my brother forever. I squeeze even tighter as my voice tries to reach through his pain. “I’ve got you.”
It was like strings on a marionette suddenly snapping; his arms shoot out like being annexed from a cannon, wrapping around me with enough intensity to match my hold and then some. He buries his face in my shoulder and silently sobs, and it’s all I can do to keep from tearing up myself.
I can’t remember ever seeing Raph like this since passing out of childhood. And I’m terrified at how powerless I am to help him.
So I just hold on, hoping that whatever has broken him, I can keep him together.
Suddenly there’s something in front of me. An apparition of my brother, or an echo or faint copy. He’s still in my arms, still clinging to me for dear life and crying into my shoulder. But his figment is also there. Staring at me with wide, frightened eyes.
No, not frightened. Daunted. He looks at me as though I’ve betrayed him; so much pain and horror in his eyes that it rattles my very soul.
“LEO! NO!”
He reaches for me, but before I can attempt to reach back, he’s gone. Disappears like smoke in the wind.
The silence of the room is crushing. I don’t understand what’s going on. I hold my brother tight, afraid he’ll disappear too. Whatever this is, whatever is happening, I won’t let it take him.
“Raph,” I place a hand on the back of his head, still refusing to release my other arm from around his shell. “Talk to me. Tell me how I can help. Please.”
The door to the dojo is abruptly flung open loudly and without care. I turn instinctively, placing myself between my brother and the entrance, still holding him close. My hand moves from his head to my katana—why? We’re at home, there’s nothing I should be afraid of. But Raph is crying and I can’t help him and none of this makes sense!—but my panic fades when I see who steps into the doorway.
“Sensei?”
“My son!” Even from afar I can see the fear in his eyes. Had he seen the apparition of Raph too?
“Sensei, I don’t know what happened. He just suddenly—”
But our father isn’t staring at Raph, he’s staring at me. The same mixture of terror and anguish in his features that Raph has.
A frightening sense of dread starts to crawl up my shell unbidden.
“…Sensei? Are you alright?”
He stares a moment longer, reaching up and cupping my face with his hand. The tender gesture coupled with the tear that leaks from the corner of his eye only deepens my worry.
“Leonardo…” He pauses, finally noticing the concern on my face, and takes a moment to compose himself, clearly tamping down some strong emotions. “Are you alright, my son?”
I’m not entirely sure how to answer that. “…Hai, Sensei. I’m fine. But…” I look down to Raph, still clinging to me tightly with his eyes sealed shut and fully closed off to the world around him. I haven’t the first clue how to explain this. “Raph just—I don’t know what happened but he…” But Sensei is still focused on me and I can’t stand that look of terror in his eyes. “Dad, please… What’s wrong?”
I need to know what’s happening. I need to know how to protect my family.
“I… I am not entirely certain.” He speaks slowly, processing as he goes. “I was reading, when I felt a pain appear from nowhere. A gaping hole in my spirit that I have only known once before… when I lost my family.” His face wears his pain plainly.
“I don’t understand.”
“You were gone, my son.” He looks me in the eyes, an intensity I can’t name shimmering brightly as he speaks. “I cannot explain it, but I knew for certain that you were no longer of this world. You had left us. It was so potent, so real…”
He reaches again to cup my cheek, and all I can do is stare with wide confused eyes.
“I am just so grateful I was wrong. You are still here, still—”
“I’m fine, Sensei.” I’m trying to be as reassuring as possible because I know he wouldn’t act like this for no reason, but it’s so strange to be in this kind of spotlight. And I’m really not the one he should be worried about right now. I look down at Raph again and Splinter finally follows my gaze.
He breathes deep, placing a hand on Raph’s shell. “My son, did you feel as I did? That something had happened to Leonardo?”
But Raph is either unwilling or unable to answer.
I pull him in a little tighter. “We were talking and he suddenly stopped and… He looked like he was about to pass out.”
I’m not explaining this right. There was so much more to it. But I don’t want to betray his trust by blabbing to our father that he’d been sobbing like a frightened child.
“Raphael…” Good, he’s got his comforting tone that can pierce through anything. ”My son, please… can you tell me what has happened?”
Silence falls, thick with worry. But Sensei sits with pure patience, his hand rubbing soft circles on Raph’s shell to let him know he’s here and willing to wait as long as necessary.
Meanwhile I’m quietly going out of my mind.
Raph is still clinging to me like if he lets go he’ll die, his body is still quaking, and there are remnants of tears trickling down his cheeks. And every second that passes without helping him, without doing something to take away his pain, is rapidly eating away at me.
There has to be something I can—
But I know my brother well. I know if I try to force him to open up, he’ll close off even more. Like Sensei is doing, we have to let him come to us on his own terms, in his own time. So I keep my desperation to myself, keep my hands firmly clamped around him so he knows I’m not going anywhere, and silently pray for this all to be over soon.
I’ll happily listen to him cuss me out again if it just means he’s okay.
I focus on my breathing, keeping it calm and steady so Raph can’t tell I’m silently panicking. Though I’m pretty sure Sensei is picking up on it. His eyes meet mine again and I see the fading remains of his terror, but he offers his most reassuring smile and it helps settle me a bit. Sensei can help him. Whatever is going on, Sensei can—
“Raphael.” Splinter speaks softly as my younger brother finally stirs, pulling away from my grasp with his eyes fixed squarely on my stomach. “Are you alright?”
He mumbles a stifled “M’fine” as he turns away and wipes the tears from his face. I try not to stare, I know he get embarrassed about this sort of thing, but I can’t take my eyes off him until I know he’s alright.
“Can you tell us what happened?”
Sensei’s tone is endlessly patient, and yet void of patronization. Someday he’ll have to teach me how he does that.
He almost starts to speak, but his eyes clip mine and he clams up again.
“I can go,” I offer, despite everything in me not wanting to. “so you two can talk.”
Raph doesn’t say anything, but he stares at me intently. There’s clear desperation in his body, I just can’t tell if it’s for me to stay or leave.
“Perhaps—” Sensei doesn’t get to finish his sentence before there’s a loud, horrified shout, coming near the dojo door.
“LEO!? Leo where ARE YOU!?!”
“In here.” I call, noting that his voice is getting more terrified with each word. The minute he spots me, I see the same anguish. The same heart-stopping pain that the others had. He’s radiating it. “Mikey…”
His eyes are already filled with tears. My chest tightens at the sight of him.
“LEO!”
He stumbles into the room, tripping over his own feet as he falls down beside me, immediately clamping his arms around my neck and hugging for all he’s worth.
It takes a good amount of effort not to fall over, but I keep us both upright as best I can as he squeezes the oxygen right out of me. “Can’t breathe, Mikey.” I’m fully expecting him to come back at me with a quip or a joke of some sort, but he doesn’t say anything. He just kneels beside me, arms wrapped around so tight I can’t move, and sobbing into my shoulder so hard you’d think his whole world just collapsed. “Mike…”
“L-Leo… You… Y-You’re here. You’re… Y-You were—” He blubbers incoherently between sobs.
I want to comfort, but I still don’t understand what’s going on. Maybe words aren’t what he needs right now. Maybe he just needs big brother. I fold one arm around his shell and place my other hand on his head, holding him close and letting him weep. “It’s okay, Mikey… I’m okay.”
I take a deep breath—or as deep a breath as I can manage with my baby brother coiling around me like a snake—and let it out slowly, continuing the pattern in the hopes that Mikey will follow suit and calm his crying a little. It takes a few more minutes, but eventually it works. And after a few deep breaths and trailing whimpers he releases his strangle hold and grasps my shoulders, pulling back to look me over with tears still pouring from his eyes and sobs only barely held at bay in the back of his throat.
“Are you okay!? Are you hurt!? Don’t you dare try to hide it, if you’re hurt you have to tell us now!”
“I’m fine.” But he’s not listening as his eyes fall to my stomach, staring at it with horror like it’s the source of all his worst nightmares.
Just like Raph.
I reach my hands up to cup his face and force him to look at me. “Mikey, I’m okay. Nothing happened to me. I wasn’t even overexerting while training. Here—” I place his hand on my neck so he can feel my pulse, making sure it’s nice and steady despite my concern. “See? Perfectly healthy.”
His eyes are still wide and worried. “You’re sure? You’re not… You’re…”
“I’m fine. I promise.”
He doesn’t even hesitate for a moment. The words barely leave my lips and he buries himself in my chest, arms wrapped around my shell in a vice grip again as the tears fall freely. I’m hoping this time it’s more relief than anything else.
I stroke his shell like I do to soothe him when he’s sick. It takes another few minutes, but he eventually calms down and relaxes into a gentler hold.
I glance beside me to see how Raph’s doing, but he immediately averts his eyes to floor. Anywhere but on me. There’s something in his body language that’s bothering me. Something he’s trying to hide or doesn’t want to admit. Something… guilty?
“What happened, Leo? Why did it feel like you were gone?” Mikey whispers, his voice heavy with fear.
“We have asked that very same question, my son.” Sensei, thankfully, answers first.
“You guys felt it too?”
“Yes.” Sensei nods grimly. “It came out of nowhere, but it was incredibly… real. The fact that all three of us felt it so potently means it cannot have been a figment or a trick. But what could cause such a sensation?”
Mikey looks to our angrier brother and prods gently. “You too? You felt Leo… go?”
Raph doesn’t reply. Just folds his arms in front of his chest and glares deeper at the floor.
“Was it his stomach?”
Raph’s eyes whip over to Mikey’s with intensity and fear rippling through them.
Mikey only nods solemnly, apparently getting all the confirmation he needed from that reaction. But neither of them elaborate, so I have to ask.
“What about my stomach?”
“I don’t know.” Mikey lowers his head back to my chest as he talks, like he’s listening for a heartbeat. “I think… I think you were hurt there. I remember seeing blood on your stomach. Or feeling it? I don’t… I don’t know… it was so real, but so vague at the same time. The only thing I knew for sure was that you were…” His arms tighten around me as his voice trails off, unable or unwilling to finish the thought.
I pat his shell to reassure him I’m still alright, but I’m too lost in my own thoughts to comment or comfort. None of this makes any sense. We don’t have any enemies that can toy with our emotions like this, so it can’t be an outside force. And all of them felt the same thing at the same time, so it can’t be a hallucination or something internal.
Even if it was, that still wouldn’t explain the apparition of Raph that I saw. Reaching for me with desperation in every muscle and terror in every feature.
I shake my head. Clearly this isn’t something we can solve at the moment. But I can still try to take the fear from them. Distract them from it. At least for a bit. “Well whatever it was, it’s gone now. I’m okay,” I pat Mikey’s head to make sure he looks at me as I say it. “we’re all safe, so I say we take our minds off it all with a movie marathon. Mikey’s choice.”
That perks him up a bit, though not as much as I thought it would. And he’s still not letting go of me.
“Marvel movie marathon?”
He asks, only a hint of excitement in his voice. This sort of thing would normally get him completely riled up.
“An excellent idea, my sons.” Sensei places a gentle hand on Raph’s shoulder, his voice back in that space of understanding without sounding patronizing that I can never achieve. “Would you join us, Raphael?”
He still doesn’t say anything—hasn’t said a word this entire time and it’s making every nerve in my body stand on edge—but he moves to stand, I think waiting for us to go first.
“Come on, Mikey.” I say as I gently remove my baby brother enough so I can stand. He still keeps his arms glued around my torso, but at least I can move. “Which one do you want to watch fir—?”
I don’t get to finish because there’s a large flash of light in front of us that comes out of nowhere. I pull my brother behind me and stand in front of my family, my katanas unsheathed in an instant. With my nerves as on edge as they are, it takes a few seconds for me to recognize the person who steps out of the light.
Mikey makes the connection first, stepping from behind me with an understandable amount of surprise in his voice. “Renet?”
“Oh thank the multi-verse, you’re all okay!” She lunges in to hug Mikey while I step away and sheath my swords. “I’m so sorry! I’m so SO sorry! I swear I didn’t mean to! Can you ever forgive me!?”
Mikey looks to the three of us who all shrug in unified confusion. He pats her back. “Uh, sure! What are we forgiving you for?”
My nerves finally calm enough for my mind to think clearly. “That was you? You’re the reason they all thought I was dead?”
Sensei had clearly already put it together, but the other two stare in shock. Or in Raph’s case, anger.
“Yes.” She says sheepishly as she pulls away and rubs her arm, obviously embarrassed and upset by the whole thing. “It was an accident, I swear! I never meant for the two to touch, and it was only for a second! I wasn’t even sure you guys would feel anything, I thought maybe you would have thought it was a dream like the other guys did, but as soon as everything was aligned again I came right here to make sure you were alright, and—gosh, I’m so so sorry! That must have been—I can’t even imagine having to feel all that when you’re not—I’m so—”
“Ms. Renet,” Master Splinter thankfully interrupts her tirade with a calm tone, gesturing towards the door. “Perhaps you could explain in full over a cup of tea.”
She scolds herself again before turning to Sensei with another apology in her eyes. “Yes, I’m sorry, I’m ahead of myself again, aren’t I? Tea would be great.”
We all head towards the kitchen, Mikey moving in step beside me so he can latch onto my arm again, fear of whatever Renet did still clearly lingering in his mind. Raph follows behind, head down and eyes wide, too curious to stay behind but too embarrassed—or frightened or… something—to make any sort of eye contact.
Just keep calm. I’m sure it wasn’t a big deal. Everyone will be back to normal within the hour.
I can’t get Raph’s tears out of my mind…
~*~*~*~*~*~
“I was only trying to take a closer look, but I must have bumped the timeline ever so slightly. It shifted and overlapped with yours for a second. Simultaneous fixed it right away, but by then I guess you guys had already felt the effects.” She taps the side of her tea cup nervously, apology number twenty five about to leave her lips, when Mikey cut in.
“So… what we felt… it really happened? In that other timeline?”
“Yes.”
“Then they… they were really feeling all that. The other us’s. In that world, they were feeling all those things we felt.” His voice is so tentative, had I not been looking, I never would have guessed it was Mikey talking. “Because something happened to their Leo… right?”
Renet takes a long moment to think. Unusual for her, but I’m guessing she was trying to avoid causing any more trouble by answering things she shouldn’t. Finally, she nods her head.
I have so many questions about the whole thing, but I know better than to ask. I know what I need to: the others felt something I didn’t, which means they were all alive in that other timeline to feel it. So whatever happened, they were safe.
That’s all that ever matters to me.
Mikey grips my hand, pulling me from my thoughts, as he asks the question he’s been trying to ask for ten minutes. “Is… Is their Leo dead?”
I think we all know the answer, but there’s still a palpable tension as we wait for Renet to respond. She only nods her head solemnly, but the solid confirmation still seems to steal the air from the room.
Suddenly everyone’s eyes are on me and I can feel my skin crawling from the attention. But I don’t say anything. Not even as Mikey moves my arm to wrap himself around my torso in a hug I doubt I’ll be free from any time soon. Whatever they need for comfort, I want to be here. Even if I hate how they’re looking at me…
“How did it happen?”
It’s the first time Raph’s spoken since the dojo. Renet shifts uncomfortably in her seat, clearly still warring with how much information to tell and how much to hold back. “I don’t think I should—”
“How?”
Raph’s tone doesn’t exactly brook room for an argument, but I don’t think we should get into details. Mikey’s going to be having nightmares as it is. “Maybe it’s best if we—” but I stop as soon as I catch Raph’s gaze. He needs this… he needs to know. I don’t know why, but if it’ll help… “—just get the basics. We don’t need any details.”
Renet gives me a look, silently asking if I really think she should. I honestly don’t want her to, but this isn’t about me, is it? I give her a subtle nod.
“He…” She begins quietly, looking at everyone before she speaks as if waiting for an objection. “He was shot. By a Purple Dragon.”
I glance around to see everyone’s reaction. Mikey flinches like he could feel the bullet himself. Sensei breathes out a long breath, like he does when he’s trying to keep calm. Raph doesn’t react at all. His eyes fall back to the floor and his whole body tenses, but it was almost like he… anticipated the answer.
Renet waits a moment to allow it all to sink in before gulping in a deep breath. “I really should get back.” She stands, bowing to everyone. “I’m so SO sorry! It will never happen again, I swear!”
“Please Ms. Renet, do not apologize further.” Sensei comes beside her and pats her shoulder. “We do not fault you, it was an accident. And we appreciate you coming to explain. It is a great weight off our shoulders to not be left wondering what it was.”
That seems to relax her a bit, but one glance back at Mikey and Raph puts the regret right back on her face.
“Thanks Renet.” I can’t stand with Mikey gripping me like he is, but I offer her a sincere smile. “Circumstances aside, it was nice to see you again.”
“You too.” She smiles back, waving to everyone once more before activating her scepter and disappearing without a trace.
Silence descends on the lair again. Everyone too lost in their thoughts to speak.
I just feel… relieved. Morbid though it may be, It’s incredibly comforting to know that my brothers are all safe, even in other worlds. That I’m the one to be taken, not them.
I’ll never say it out loud. It would only upset them.
I wait a few more minutes for everyone to process before placing my hand on Mikey’s head to get his attention. “Hey, why don’t we make tonight a camp out? We can pile our beds in the living room for our movie marathon and sleep there tonight.”
“Together?”
I nod, noting the fear still radiating from him.
“Can we order pizza?”
“It’s not a camp out without pizza.”
He’s still distracted, still gripping my am like he can’t let go, but his eyes light up a bit. “I call dibs on picking the first movie!”
“You’ll have to be quick then,” We all start moving to the living room, away from the conversation with Renet. “I think it’s Don’s turn to—”
We all suddenly gasped in a breath, freezing in our tracks.
I’d been so preoccupied with—I hadn’t even thought of—
“Where is Donatello?” Splinter asks, keeping a composed face.
“April’s.” Mikey pipes in quickly, long past not trying to be frantic. “He said they were working on some new formula or machine or something.”
I take a subtle breath trying to collect myself before calming the room . “Let’s not panic. Maybe he didn’t feel it like you guys did. Maybe you had to be in the room or something.” I’m not even convincing myself. “Otherwise he’d have tried to call one of us.”
I left my phone in the dojo when I went to confront Raph, so I look to my two younger brothers intently.
Mikey feels around himself. “I think I left mine in my room.”
We turn to Raph who has already reached for his phone, the screen blank and black. “I… turned it off before I left the lair.”
So I wouldn’t be able to call him, I’m sure. Not the time for that now.
We wait entirely impatiently as he turns it on, the screen lighting up and taking eons to load.
Thirty-two missed texts.
Seventeen missed calls.
“Oh god, Donnie…” Mikey whispers with worry engulfing his tone again. “He must think you’re…!”
Again, he doesn’t finish the sentence.
I no longer have patience enough to sit here and wait. “How long has it been since this all started?” Maybe I can catch him before he leaves Aprils.
“Thirty minutes or so.” Sensei replies. He places a hand on my shoulder, reading my mind the way only he can do. “Let us give him a call first. He may already be on his way home.”
I don’t want to wait. I want to make sure he’s alright. But I feel guilty arguing with any of them after the night they’ve had, so I nod and turn back to Raph, hoping he’s already dialed.
He doesn’t even get the number punched in before there’s a loud, desperate, cry from the garage entrance.
“LEO!”
“Don, I’m here! I’m—”
He rounds the corner into view and my chest lurches at the sight of him. He looks haggard and exhausted, eyes red, cheeks stained with tears, and puffing like he’s just finished running a marathon. His eyes lock on mine immediately, shock and terror still plastered there for all to see.
“Leo!”
I think he meant to run to me, but his legs collapse beneath him as soon as he moves. I barely have time to stop him from unceremoniously crashing to the floor with my shoulder under his arm and my hand on his chest. “Whoa, Donnie, easy! Take a breath.”
“You’re here! You’re—”
He’s cut off by a sudden sob, and I can tell he’s been holding it in for a while. I should have thought to call him earlier. The way he’s looking at me with such pain… I can’t…
My arms grip him in a solid hug, both to hold him up and to let him know I’m really here. I won’t let go until he’s ready. Until he’s let his panic wash through him.
Sensei lets us have a moment before coming beside Don and placing a hand on his shell. “Your brother is alright, my son. It was not his loss you felt.”
Don’s clearly not convinced. He suddenly pulls from my grip, grabs my shoulders with both hands, and begins scanning every inch of me for injury. “What happened!? Why didn’t anyone answer their phone!? Was it something to do with wherever Raph ran off to tonight?”
“No, nothing like that.” I notice Raph flinch away at the accusation but remain quiet. Odd. Normally he’d opt for a more audibly defensive reaction. “I’m sorry, Don. It was—”
“Where are you hurt? What was it, a gun or a knife? What…” His voice trails off as his gaze falls to my stomach, staring the same way Mikey and Raph had earlier.
“It’s okay dude.” Mikey pipes in, maybe he noticed the same look. “It’s a crazy story, but it ends with Leo being okay. Well, our Leo…” His eyes fall a bit as Don blinks in confusion.
“Our Leo?”
“Let us have a seat.” Sensei ushers us into the living room, encouraging Don to take some more deep breaths before Mikey launches into a full explanation. It’s a lot to take in, but Don seems to follow with no trouble. He listens intently, his eyes flitting across all three of us, and always landing on me. I can tell he’s fluctuating through a gambit of emotions, but by the end of the tale there’s at least a small hint of relief.
Though not as much as I had hoped.
“That makes sense, I suppose.” He finally replies, his gaze landing on me for the umpteenth time. He sits in silence a moment before asking. “What happened to their Leo?”
Everyone’s eyes seem to find the floor at the same time. Not mine. I don’t mind saying it. Though I try to sound as delicate as I can, for their sakes. “He was shot during a mission. Apparently he didn’t make it.”
Again, Don does the same thing Mikey did, his eyes finding my stomach and staring.
I stand from the couch. “I am not him. I am perfectly fine. So I’m going to go order the pizza. You guys can get the beds set up.”
I leave as quick as I can without drawing attention, subtly avoiding Mikey on my way out so he doesn’t have a chance to glom onto my arm again.
I need a minute away from their looks of pain and fear.
I need a minute to breathe without them staring.
I need them to be okay again.
~*~*~*~*~*~
By the time I get back with pizza in hand (thanks to a very concerned April, who stayed behind in the kitchen to hear the explanation from Master Splinter) the living room is piled full with futon mattresses, mounds of pillows, and just about every blanket in the lair.
Mostly Mikey’s doing, I assume.
Don looks like he’s getting the TV set up, albeit with less dexterity than usual.
And Raph doesn’t look like he’s moved. At all. He’s just sitting there, staring at the floor again, shoulders hunched and fists tense. He looks like a rubber band about to snap. But it’s not anger tensing his muscles—I’ve seen that enough to know the difference—this looks more defeated. Guilty. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. Is he embarrassed about crying in front of me? Did the events of tonight make him feel bad about running off before hand?
I want to ask. Whatever weight has settled on his shoulders that’s holding him down like this, I want to take it. But I also don’t want to poke the bear, so I hold my questions for another time.
“Pizza’s here.” I announce, not at all excited to have their eyes back on me. Mikey doesn’t leap over furniture to nab the first slice and if that isn’t an indication of how down they still are, nothing is. “Movie ready?” They nod, but no one offers any further comment and shell I wish I could just snap them out of this. “Which one did you go with?”
“Iron Man. I like it when Don points out in detail the corrections needed to make Tony’s suit in real life.” Mikey says, more mechanically than anything else. No enthusiasm or mockery in his tone at all.
“Sounds like fun.” Patience. Give them time. They’ll forget about this and get back to normal soon. Let them process.
I sit in the middle of the couch, fully expecting Mikey to want to cuddle and Don to be close, if not touching. They do, sitting on either side of me, Mikey not hesitating to wrap around my arm and snuggle in.
Raph doesn’t move from his spot.
I can’t help a small sigh. Patience.
The movie starts and I send a silent prayer to the universe that this is enough of a distraction for them to return to some semblance of normal.
Please. Just wipe the pain away for a while.
But my pleas go unanswered. We’re fifteen minutes into the movie and not a single person has said a word. Don hasn’t corrected any of the science, as was promised, Mikey hasn’t laughed at a single quip, and Raph seems to have one eye on the movie and one on the ground, bouncing between the two. I know for a fact I’ve never watched a movie in total silence before. Not with my brothers around.
I glance around at all three of them, not even having to look close to see the pain and fear still wiggling along the lines in their faces.
I can’t take it anymore. I have to do something.
“Okay, enough.” I announce loudly, pausing the movie and standing to face them. “Clearly we need to talk about this. There has to be something I can do to make you all feel better.” They look away and it takes far too much effort than it should for me to keep from shouting.
My patience is quickly unravelling into maddening worry.
There’s a long pause before Mikey—probably sensing how out of my mind I’m getting—speaks up. “We’re just… scared. That feeling was so real. It really felt like… like you were gone.”
“I’m not.” That came out a bit too curtly. I try again, softer. “I’m right here. And I don’t plan on going anywhere. So stop looking at me like I’m dying.” They all flinch at the word. “Please.”
It takes a long minute, but Don speaks up this time. “It may not have been you, but it’s very much something you would do.”
“What do you mean?”
“Leo, can you name a single mission where you haven’t done something risky to keep us safe?”
“Yes.”
Even Raph checks in long enough to fix me with a dead pan stare on that one.
“It’s not every mission.” I qualify, because I don’t appreciate the assumption that all my missions fail at some point. “But I get your point. What of it?”
“I’m just saying,” Don continues, a little more assertive this time. “That what happened to that other Leo isn’t out of the ordinary or the possible for you. You’re just as protective, just as thoughtless of your own life when we’re involved. So seeing it happen to another you—”
“How do you know I—he—was protecting you—them.” This is starting to give me a headache.
Don pauses to glance at Mikey who pulls his head back, like he hadn’t considered that. “I… I don’t know. You were on a roof, and you were shot in your…”
They all stare at my stomach again and it’s all I can do to not sigh loud enough for them all to hear.
“I don’t know how I know, I just do.” Mikey says firmly. “I know it was awful, I know it hurt so much I wanted to die, and after feeling all that, I know that if it happens to you, I’m never going to---” His voice cracks as tears brim in his eyes and my heart drops instantly.
Don scoots over on the couch to pull Mikey into a half hug, his own face a half-masked mirror of the pain now dripping down our baby brother’s cheeks.
I don’t know what to say. We’ve had this conversation before—alternate dimensional families aside—and there’s nothing more I can say on the matter. They’re my little brothers. I’m the eldest. The leader. And if I have to jump in front of a bullet to keep them safe, then I’ll absolutely do it. No regrets. And hearing that it happened to another me somewhere out there in another world doesn’t change that.
If anything, it solidifies it.
But none of that is what they want to hear right now.
I slowly release the breath I’ve been holding, crouching in front of Mikey on the couch. “I’m sorry,” I keep my voice as level and soft as I can. “I’m sorry you all had to experience that. And I’m sorry I can’t make you feel better about it. Because you’re right, I absolutely would do what that Leo did if it meant keeping you safe. That’s my job, my top priority, and I don’t begrudge it even a little bit. I’m sure he didn’t either.”
Mikey chokes on another sob and Don gives me an annoyed you’re-not-helping look.
Get to the point, Leo.
“But right now I’m here.” I place a hand on Mikey’s shoulder to draw his attention. “I’m here, I’m safe, and I plan to continue to be for a very long time. Until we’re old and hobbled and Don has crazy white hair like Einstein and Raph’s idea of a workout is climbing the stairs to his room.”
He chokes out a surprised laugh as Don chuckles and I smile at the small victory.
“You promise you’ll be around that long?”
Mikey’s using his big puppy eyes because he knows I have troubles saying no to them.
But I don’t want to make empty promises just to make them feel better. “Mikey, I can’t promise. Bad things happen whether we want them to or not. Especially in our line of work. But you can’t live your life in fear. I’m constantly terrified that you’ll all get hurt on a mission, but that doesn’t make me keep you from going on them.” Once again Raph sends a glare my way, so I add a resigned “Mostly.”
“What I can promise,” I continue. “Is that I will do my best to keep myself safe. I will keep martyrdom and self-sacrifice as an absolute last resort option only.” They still don’t seem convinced, so I give Mikey’s hand a light squeeze and sigh before admitting. “Contrary to popular belief, I don’t want to leave you either. I’d miss my brothers. Even the loud angry one over there.”
“He means you, Don.” Mikey jokes and they both smile again.
Then Mikey slides off the couch and pulls himself against my chest, his arms wrapped tightly around my shell. I wasn’t expecting it, so it takes a moment for me to relax into the touch and let my arms fall around his shoulders. “We love you, Leo. So much.” He squeezes a bit tighter.
I don’t get a chance to reply before Don joins us on the floor, cloaking himself around my shoulders. I shift one arm to hug his shell as he says, “We’re so glad you’re still here.”
A smile creeps across my face, unbidden. I feel my brothers’ affection radiating like a heat wave. It’s immensely comforting, despite my distaste for this type of attention.
Only my brothers can make me feel this wonderful. This special. This necessary. I pull them in a little closer.
“I love you too, little brothers.” I look over to Raph, who is at least looking at us and not the floor. “All of you.” And his eyes fall away again.
One battle at a time.
Our group hug lasts a little longer than I’m used to, but I don’t dare break it. I don’t even want to imagine if I had felt one of them going…
Eventually we settle back on the couch and resume the movie. When Splinter and April join us, we’re half-way through, both Mike and Don chatting away as they usually would, and the world is finally feeling right again.
Mostly.
I peek in Raph’s direction to see him at least looking at the movie, if not really watching it.
As the night goes on, April heads home after a phone call from Casey (who had apparently been asleep and thought the whole thing was a crazy nightmare) and Sensei heads off to bed. He runs a hand fondly over my head on his way out, offering me a smile that just gushes relief and love. I send a silent smile back.
Around the time we start our third movie (Thor, since Mikey insisted we watch in order) we’ve shifted to laying on the mattresses and pillows. Mikey promptly falls asleep laying across my lap like a cat. Not the most comfortable position for me propped up on some pillows, but I’m not going to complain. Don follows suit shortly after, leaning against my left arm with his head on my shoulder and his hand on my wrist, like he’d been keeping track of my pulse. Only one brother remains, and he still hasn’t moved from his spot on the couch.
Now’s my chance, I suppose. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
His body language affirms his response, his arms folding tighter and his shoulders hunching higher. I want to let it go, let him work through it however he wants, but I can’t get the image of him crying in the dojo out of my mind. There has to be something I can do. There has to.
So I walk into the lions den.
“I’m sorry… that you had to go through all—”
“I said, I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Okay.” I give it a moment. “You know I won’t tell anyone about—”
“Dammit Leo!” He stands, his hands already curled into fists and anger rippling through his shoulders. “I don’t wanna talk about—”
“Okay!” I use a forced whisper and gesture with my free hand at our two sleeping siblings before giving him the ‘shh’ finger. “I just think it would be healthy to discuss it now rather than later. But if you’d prefer to brood, then go ahead. Just be quiet about it.”
He doesn’t sit back down.
The movie continues and I do my best to at least look like I’m staring at the TV and not Raph. He’s moved beside the couch so I can’t see him in my periphery now, but I can still feel his tension looming. Can almost hear his muscles tensing.
I should back off. I’m clearly not helping. But he hasn’t stormed off yet. If he really didn’t want to talk, he’d have stomped off to his room, knowing I can’t move with our brothers asleep on top of me.
Maybe just one more poke.
“If you won’t talk to me, you should at least talk to Sensei—”
“For the love of— I don’t want to talk about it! Ever! I don’t want to relive it, okay!? Not with you, not with Sensei, not with anyone!”
“Okay.” His defensiveness is different. Less angry and more fearful. And there’s that underlying current of something again. Guilt, maybe? “But—"
“What!?” He interrupts, probably expecting me to lecture.
“Just… I’m here. If you need to talk or vent or anything… I’m here.”
I shift enough so I can partially see his face and it’s pale, like he’s seen a ghost. His eyes go wide, his hands clench tight, and he looks like he wants to run screaming from the room.
Oh shell, is it happening again!?
Before I can ask, he closes his eyes, grits his teeth, and snarls in a long breath, turning away so I can only see his shell. “Still here…”
A long stretch of silence follows. I don’t dare speak. I can see his fists trembling ever so slightly.
“It’s what you said…” He finally says, his voice rough and jagged, almost quaking like his hands. “What he said to me—the other me—before he…”
I want to ask the obvious question, but I wait, almost holding my breath while silently wishing to calm his.
“It was my fault.”
His voice is so small, guilt like a tidal wave almost drowning it out.
“I could only get pieces of it, but I saw… You were protecting me. You—he—got shot protecting me—the other me.” He rubs a hand down his face in frustration before sighing roughly. Sadly. “It was my fault. And I…”
He finally turns to face me, his eyes finding my stomach and staring intently. His face is laden with pain and fear and heartache, just like it was in the dojo earlier.
Oh Raph.
“You protectin’ me when I didn’t ask for it is nothing new.” He continues, slowly, deliberately. It’s clearly taking effort to get his emotions in check. “But I never… I never thought you’d… because of me… I never… I mean what if it had happened tonight? What if you following me got you…” He turns his back to me again. “The guilt and the pain, I felt it all through him. The other me. I felt it… and I know, I couldn’t live with myself if—"
His voice cracks and it takes every ounce of control I have not to wiggle out from Mike and Don and run over to him.
He’d probably hate that anyway.
Silence settles over the room.
I can feel Raph from here, feel his fear radiating out. He’s really scared. For me. My stubborn, angry, closed off younger brother, was crying in the dojo because he’d thought he’d lost me. And he thought it was his fault.
“I’m sorry.” I face forward again, distracting myself with the movie as I speak. “I’m sorry I do that. Play martyr, I mean. Jump in front of danger.”
He scoffs. “No you’re not.”
“I am. Not for being protective,” I think I’ve made that very clear. “But for not thinking about how much my choices would affect you all. I guess… I guess I sometimes…” I pause, not really wanting to admit to this at all. But he’s had to be open with me today, seems only fair to return the favor. “I sometimes forget that you all care about me as much as I do you.”
I can’t see his face, but I hear the sharp inhale he takes. He’s either angry, shocked, or both.
Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. “I’m not trying to point fingers or say you don’t show it. I know you all care. It’s just… I spend so much time playing leader with you all—making sure Mikey trains, making sure Don sleeps, making sure you don’t run off—that I sometimes forget that I’m also a brother. That you guys want me for more than just leadership.” Even now that voice of doubt wants to creep in.
“Leo…” Mikey whispers in his sleep, almost on cue, as he shifts in my lap. I put a hand to his shell to help settle him, let his subconscious know I’m still here. The movement prompts Don’s hand to squeeze mine tighter while still lost to slumber. The way they both cling to me now, the way they looked at me before…
I can’t believe I ever doubted.
“I have no desire to die, Raph. Not anytime soon, anyway. I’d be too afraid of being without you all. I…” The day must be getting to me, because I feel tears welling in my eyes that I quickly pat down. “I really am nothing without my brothers. I’d miss you… all of you. Desperately.” I don’t know if I said that loud enough for him to hear. But it felt good to say it out loud.
Raph is silent.
I turn to find the space where he stood now empty. He must have had enough and gone to bed. Can’t say I blame him. I hope he’s okay… I hope some of what I said got through.
I just want him to be—
Suddenly something removes the pillows from behind me and presses against my shell. I turn enough to see Raph’s bandana tails on my shoulder as he sits shell to shell with me on the mattress.
It takes a long moment for him to speak. And when he does, it’s soft and quiet. Like he’s hoping I won’t hear it. “We’d miss you, too. You. Not your leadership or whatever… you. We need you, Leo.”
I take a moment to let that sink in, my shoulders releasing some of their tension.
Raph abruptly raps the back of his head against mine, his voice back to it’s usual gruff gravel. “If you think we’d be okay without you, you’re an idiot.”
“You’d manage.”
“We’d hate it.”
“I know.”
Another long silence follows, and I can feel Raph relaxing more and more against my shell. I lean into the contact.
Glancing down at Mikey and over to Don, a smile tugs at my lips as I feel a warmth spread readily through my chest. Pragmatic as I am, I’m not always one to see the positives in a situation (I look to Mikey for that), but I will never not be grateful for the family I’ve been blessed with. For my brothers. They can be annoying, mean, and a downright pain in the shell, but they are truly the greatest gift I’ve been given.
I love them more than I know how to say.
And moments like this, moments when I see they love me just as much, are the moments I feel most unworthy. Most grateful.
I lean my head back to rest on Raph’s, one hand on Mikey’s shell and one held by Don, and I breathe deep, my smile growing wider as I close my eyes to everything else.
“We’re glad you’re still here.”
“Me too, guys. Me too…”
~*~*~*~*~*~
Previous
Ze End. Hopefully. I’ve said that before with this story and it continued for 17 chapters and 2 epilogues. Ha.
Thank you to all who have stayed with this story, and especially those who comment (few though you may be). I’ve very much needed your kind words to get through these last few years.
Here’s hoping the next story is easier. And maybe less angsty?
The first of my 2 epilogues. I couldn’t help myself, I wanted to write the whole night from Leo’s point of view. I know it takes away some of the stoic mystery from his portrayal in Raph’s version, but I think it sheds light on other things that make it worth the loss.
I dunno. You be the judge.
~*~*~*~*~*~
He took off. Again. Even though I told him not to.
What is the point of being leader if I can’t get those following me to trust and obey the simplest of instructions?
I hear the grunts and groans of a fight from nearby and can’t stop the jolt of fear that bolts through my skin. I knew it. I knew this was a trap of some kind. Why else would these thugs leave the safety of their numbers to take off towards the inner city? And now they might have my brother in their claws.
“Raph!”
Finally finding the alley he’s in, I jump down, swords drawn, only to catch my brother just as he finishes punching the lights out of the last of a pile of Dragons, all now groaning at his feet in unconsciousness. A sigh of relief escapes me immediately; he’s not hurt. And if this was a trap, it was very poorly executed; any one of us could have taken out these few stragglers on our own. Guess my gut was wrong.
That doesn’t excuse his actions. But I’m glad he’s safe. “Raph, what are you doing?”
“Couple of scrawny ones got away. Didn’t want them missing out on the fun.”
My relief is quickly fading into irritation at his unapologetic attitude. “I told you not to go after them. We were supposed to stay and check the warehouse.” I glance back at the pile of thugs behind him, eyeing them to make sure they’re all still deep in unconsciousness.
Something still feels off, but I can’t put my finger on what.
“Don’t get your shell in a bunch, I was gonna head back once they were taken care of.”
I shake my head, trying to refocus. I’m sure it’s nothing. “You shouldn’t have left. The dragons aren’t going to let us have their new weapons shipment without a fight. They’re probably sending reinforcements. We need to get back and help Don and Mikey.”
He’s rolling his eyes at me again, which means a fight isn’t far off. What on earth he has to be angry about this time is far beyond me, but I brace for the impact.
“I said I was gonna head back. If you’re so worried about it, why’d you leave those two to deal with it alone?”
“Because you took off!” I’m doing it again, I’m letting him annoy me into getting angry and I hate when he does that. So I try to regain some composure. “And I didn’t want you out here fighting alone.”
“I don’t need a babysitter, Leo! I can handle myself!”
I can see him start to clench his fists and I know this is only going to escalate before it dies, but we don’t have time for a full fledged feud right now. So I pull the leader card. “I told you not to go after them, Raph. It wasn’t a suggestion.”
The way his hands curl into a tighter fist as he freezes—looks like we’re not avoiding the fight. Great. Just great.
“Oh, I see what this is about. The Great Fearless Leader gave an order and the insignificant subordinate didn’t obey.”
I can’t help but roll my eyes. The dramatic inner monologue he must be telling himself is beyond my understanding. I want nothing more than to explain why his actions were rash and without thought—that none of this has anything to do with him, but everything to do with us as a team—but Mike and Don are on their own and the Dragons probably called for backup, so there’s no time to get into it right now.
Lucky for him. “We’re going back. Now.”
“Was that a suggestion?”
He’s getting under my skin and he knows it. Why does he so desperately want to fight me? We’re in the middle of a mission, can’t he at least wait till we get home and everyone is safely in the lair? My tone no longer brooks an argument, but I’m sure I’ll still get one. “No. It wasn’t.”
“Screw you, Leo!”
And here we go.
“I’m not some lacky you can order around with the flick of a wrist!”
“I never said you were a lacky.”
“Yet you get pissed every time I don’t ask ‘how high’ whenever you tell me to jump!”
Not this again. “I’m the leader, Raph. It’s my job to give the orders!” And I don’t understand why he hates me for it.
“And don’t you just love pointing that out every chance you get.”
Oh for crying out—“We don’t have time for this.”
“No, of course not! There’s only ever time to berate your brothers, not explain your actions.”
“I don’t have to explain myself to you!” I shout in his face before I can catch it. Shell, how is he always so good at getting me worked up enough to lose control? His eyes turn dark and I honestly can’t tell if he’s upset at what I said or smug that he finally got a rise out of me.
And something about all this still feels off.
“So that’s how it is, huh? The Great Leonardo knows all and doesn’t need to waste time explaining himself to the rest of us mere mortals.”
I hold in a sigh and try to explain. “That’s not what I—” but he’s in too much of a mood to let me finish.
“That’s exactly what you meant!”
He steps in closer, to be in intimidating I suppose. Or to make me see his anger up close. Either way, I stand my ground and let him talk. He clearly needs to let off some steam, so if it’ll get him to come along faster, I suppose I can stand and take it for a minute.
“That’s what you’re always about, isn’t it? Proving that you’re better than everybody else, that you’re smarter, stronger, and faster than everyone!”
Hurtful, but nothing new. I am fully aware of how much contempt my brother holds for me.
“And God forbid someone actually tries to measure up, you gotta knock ‘em down a peg to make yourself feel better!”
Now that… that was unexpected. I make sure to hide my surprise (and maybe a little hurt) behind my mask, taking a moment to keep my voice even. I should just let it go. We have to get back.
“You think you don’t measure up?”
He stops and I can instantly see the walls forming around him. He didn’t mean to say it, apparently.
“Where the hell did that come from!?”
And now he’s playing denial, which means I definitely wasn’t supposed to hear it. “You said ‘God forbid someone actually tries to measure up’, I assume you were talking about yourself.” I wait for a response, but when he offers none, I can’t help but nudge again. “You don’t think you measure up?”
“That’s not what I meant!”
“Then what—”
“I meant that you’re a selfish asshole and I’m done talkin’ about this.”
He starts up the building just as a droplet of rain hits my shell, but I’m still trying to understand what he just confessed so I barely notice the weather. I follow quickly. I know I should drop it, I know. “Raph wait—”
“I said I ain’t talkin’ about it no more! Back off Leo!”
But I don’t want him to think— "It has nothing to do with skill level, it’s about strategy. You left Mikey and Donnie wide open to attack.” But that’s not what I’m trying to say. How do I explain this? “We’re a team, Raph. We need to work together.”
He’s still walking away.
“Are you listening to me?” How do I make him understand? “You can’t go off grandstanding every time you dislike an order.” It’s not safe. How do I make him understand that I need him to be safe. “Raph, you need to—”
He turns on me with an anger in his eyes I’m not sure I’ve seen before. It makes me stop in my tracks. But I’m immediately distracted as a ghost of a feeling washes over every nerve in my body.
“I don’t need anything!”
Something is wrong. Something… I catch a wisp of movement out of the corner of my eye.
“I don’t need your orders!”
There. On the adjacent roof. Can’t look and give away that I’ve spotted him. But there’s a glint of something in his hands.
“I don’t need your leadership!”
A gun. Sniper. No…
NO!
“I DON’T NEED YOU!”
“RAPH!”
My body jolts into action out of shear panic, ramming my shoulder into Raph’s side to push him as far away as I can. There’s an impossibly loud crack in the air as the weapon goes off.
No time to think.
Without stopping my momentum from shoving Raph, I step forward and spin on my heel, whipping my swords from their sheathes in one swift motion, and lance a katana towards the sniper with as much strength and speed as I possess, aiming right for his heart. It hits it’s mark, or slightly above it, and the Dragon is pinned to the chimney he must have been hiding behind.
It was a trap. I was right.
I should have listened to my instincts. Master Splinter is always telling me. Raph could have been shot because I wasn’t… because I wasn’t paying… Because I… I feel dizzy. The roof is spinning and I can’t make it stop. I grip my swords, trying to ground myself, but one hand isn’t on my sword, it’s on my stomach. There’s something warm running through it. I force my eyes to focus as I look down.
My hand is red.
I pull it from my plastron to see red oozing down my body.
I’m bleeding. Why am I bleeding?
Understanding comes impossibly slow as I stare at the red on my hand. I’ve been shot. Sniper managed to hit me. But was I fast enough to save—
“Leo?”
I turn enough to spot Raph staring at me with wide eyes. He looks shocked, but not injured. No blood that I can see. I close my eyes and breathe out the dread I’d been holding. At least he’s—
Pain suddenly erupts from my stomach, so abrupt and intense that I can’t get a handle on it. It fogs my vision and I can feel myself falling but I can’t seem to get my legs under me to catch myself.
A broad shoulder appears under my arm as my brother is now at my side, holding me up. “Leo!” My vision is still swimming too much to make out details, but the fear in his voice rings out crystal clear. I’d try to reassure him if I could speak around the pain. I feel him move my hand to get a look at the wound and I use the opportunity to breathe deep and refocus as best I can.
“It’s alright bro, I got you.”
My body accepts the invitation and leans heavily on him without my consent. I’m trying to get my legs under me, get the pain under control so I can talk. “There might be more.” I scan the rooftops around us quickly but don’t spot any other movement. Though my vision is still a bit blurry. “Check the perimeter, in case they—”
“Not a chance. I ain’t leavin’ you like this.”
I don’t argue, I don’t have the breath for it. And he’s right, I won’t last long bleeding the way I am. But if there’s another sniper around here, he’s leaving whether he wants to or not. I open my mouth to say as much as he lowers us to the ground when my lungs suddenly feel like they’re filled with water. The cough that follows is loud and wet, bringing the taste of copper to my lips and spilling down my chin.
This is bad.
I’m trying to tamp down the sting that fit caused when I catch a glimpse of Raph’s face; he looks terrified. I don’t think he’s trying to hide it, which is even more worrisome. He’s staring at the wound like it’s a nightmare come to life and I can’t think of a single thing to say in comfort.
I default to pragmatism. “Pressure.”
“What?”
I place my hand over his atop my stomach and press down. It takes much more effort than I expected to keep from screaming at the pain, but I manage, keeping my calm as best I can. “Keep… pressure.” My voice is giving me away. “Stop the bleeding.”
He seems to pause a moment before replying with a curt “I know” and pressing harder. I’m actually relieved to hear that tone in his voice.
My head is swimming again and I can’t tell if the world is spinning or I am.
Focus. Finish the mission. We need to get back to the others, make sure they’re okay. The Dragons might have set a trap there too, counting on us to split up.
“The warehouse… Mikey and Don—” more copper taste, but this time it’s harder to expel. I have to turn on my side so I don’t choke on my own blood.
Raph holds me steady as I find air again. “I know.”
He needs to check on them. “Raph—"
“Just shut up and save your breath, Fearless.” I don’t know why, but the name helps ground me a moment. “I’ll give ‘em a call, alright?”
Good. That’s good. I’d still prefer he go to the warehouse himself, but this is the next best thing. As he’s distracted with the phone, I allow myself a moment to grimace as another wave of pain washes over me. It’s getting duller… Probably means I’m getting numb. Or going into shock. Neither one is reassuring.
I’ll be okay. I have to be okay. I will not leave until I know my brothers are safe. I can’t.
I might not have a choice.
I inhale slowly. Exhale. Forcing that last thought away with focused breaths as Raph continues to fiddle with the phone. He hangs up and redials a few times, and with each passing minute I can feel my fear rising. Something’s happened at the warehouse, I’m sure of it. My gut may be spilling onto the roof, but it’s still insistent as ever.
Raph needs to go. I’m about to say as much when he finally speaks.
“Yeah Don. It’s—”
I can’t hear the other end of the conversation, but I can tell by Raph’s face that it’s not good.
“Don, what’s going—”
He’s cut off again.
“Yeah. Don he’s—”
I hear a muffled shout and don’t need to hear the words to know Donnie’s upset.
“He’s been shot.”
I hear a cry come through the speaker and my whole body tenses.
“Don?”
Something’s happened. We’re leaving. Now. But the minute I lift my head to stand, everything in me goes weak. I can barely move, there’s no way I’d be able to walk, let alone fight. But we have to do something. I grab Raph’s arm so he’ll look at me. The angry worry in his face speaks volumes.
“Don? Don, you there?”
A desperate fear seizes my body that makes me want to hurl. What if he’s—
“What the shell, Brainiac—”
He’s okay. Don’s okay. Relief swells through me with such force, I lose the rest of the conversation. Raph hangs up the phone and faces me again, the worry gone from his face but not his eyes. He was never good at hiding his emotions. Disguising them behind anger, sure, but not hiding them away.
“They’re on their way.”
“Are they—”
“—Fine. Just taking care of a few unexpected stragglers.”
I know he’s lying. They’re in trouble. And I’m too weak to do anything about it. But Raph could still help. If I can just convince him to leave me here…
“Don’t even think it.”
He knew what I would ask. I’m unexpectedly flattered that he knows me so well. But then he must know I’m right. “They need help.” I’m about as close to begging as I’ve ever come, but Raph is focused on my wound.
“I ain’t leavin’ Leo. I leave, you bleed out.”
He’s not wrong, but that’s not the point. Another wave of pain crashes through me as I try to keep my wits. I look up to where the sniper lies motionless, fear creeping under my skin. “…What if…”
He catches my meaning and immediately jumps into denial. “They can handle themselves. Besides, what force in the universe has ever been able to pin Mikey down when he’s all hyped up?”
I smile, not only because the memories conjured are pure hilarity, but also because I can see the fear abate from Raph’s eyes momentarily. Making jokes at Mikey’s expense always seems to help him—
My body is suddenly lurching, everything in me working far too hard to expel whatever it is that’s blocking my lungs. The movement is painful, my throat feels scraped raw, but I close my eyes so Raph can’t see. I don’t want to scare him any more than I have.
As the cough subsides, Raph has turned his gaze away—nowhere particular, just anywhere that isn’t on me—and I use the opportunity to let my walls down a moment. It takes effort to keep them up, to pretend like I’m not worried and the pain is manageable, and I’m starting to feel exhaustion creep in. It’s falling on me slowly, like molasses dripping from a spoon, heavy and thick and I don’t know how long I can keep it at bay.
I should talk. Keep my brain active. But Raph’s fallen silent and I don’t want to say anything that’ll start another fight. If these are my last moments with him, I don’t want them to be filled with tension. I don’t want to make him feel inferior.
“That’s what you’re always about, isn’t it? Proving that you’re better than everyone else.”
I never meant to make him feel that way. Am I really like that? Do I build myself up by tearing the others down? I don’t try to…
“And God forbid someone actually tries to measure up, you gotta knock ‘em down a peg to make yourself feel better!”
I wish I could tell him I’m sorry. That it wasn’t like that. That the truth was—but he’d never believe me. He’d get angry and we’d fight and I can’t let our last interaction be a—
No. No, stop that. Stop thinking like that. The situation is bad, my wound is worse, but that doesn’t mean I won’t survive this. Pragmatism has it’s moments, but now is not the time. I need to believe that I’ll be okay. That I’ll be laughing about this next week. That this will just be another one of those crazy stories to add to our long roster of ‘times where we almost died’.
I’m going to be alright. I have to be. I have to—
“Hey.”
My eyelids snap apart like being startled from a dream. I hadn’t even realized they were starting to close. I turn to look at Raph who’s face is impassive.
“Keep them baby blues open, Leo. If you pass out, I ain’t givin’ you CPR.”
His voice is a comfort. His wry comment even more so. “Duly noted.” How long have I been dazed? Mikey and Donnie… where are Mikey and Donnie? They should be here by now, shouldn’t they?
What if they’re hurt? Or worse?
“They’ll be here soon.”
His words wipe away the panic, but not the worry. If we had any amount of cloth to make a torniquet, I could at least hobble at Raph’s side and head toward the warehouse. Should have asked Don for—
Pain erupts from my stomach without warning. My body is suddenly quaking everywhere and the movement feels like it’s tearing me apart. Gotta focus. Don’t scream. Don’t... But as the seconds pass, the pain dissipates. Everything does. I can’t feel myself anymore. I’m still shaking, I’m sure of it, but it feels distant. Like feeling an echo.
Darkness surrounds me, and I don’t think it’s because my eyes are closed. I think… I think I might be dying. Or already dead?
“Leo?”
No. I can hear Raph’s voice, so I can’t be dead. But I can’t open my eyes. Everything is heavy. Weighed down. And I’m too tired to fight it.
Focus, Leo. Fight the fatigue. I can’t abandon my family like this. Not till I know they’re safe.
Not till Raph knows I—
“Leo!”
He’s shouting again. Scared. Have to wake up. Focus on his voice. Focus.
“Leo!”
Breathe!
“S-Still here.” I manage to croak out as I finally suck in some oxygen. I can feel my body again.
“Don’t do that!”
He sounds more scared than angry, and I suddenly feel the urge to wrap him in a hug. Where did that come from? Hugging him would probably be as bad as trying to talk. I don’t know what it is, but for some reason, Raph and I are rarely able to connect. To understand each other. Every time I try to explain myself, it somehow always devolves into a fight.
I wish I knew how to tell him. I wish I could find a way around his defenses to show him that I don’t look down on him. I really don’t. At least, not on purpose. I’m too busy admiring his strengths to focus on his faults.
Alright, maybe I focus on his faults from time to time. But it’s not because I’m trying to hurt him. It’s because I want him to be better. Better than me.
And more than anything, I want him to be safe. He thinks that nights like tonight are me trying to coddle him or prove he’s not worthy. But it has nothing to do with him. It’s me. It’s always been me.
My eyes feel heavy and my legs are completely numb. Maybe I should say something… just in case.
“I know.”
I don’t see his face, but his tone is confused enough. “What?”
“I know… you don’t need me.”
His defenses rise immediately, I can practically see the wall forming between us. But I have to say this. He has to know.
“You still… don’t get it.”
“Get what?”
There’s that anger. Present but restrained. Maybe he’ll hear me this time.
“That it’s not—” another sharp shot of pain ricochets through my body. I draw in a breath and hold in the cry before I continue. “…that I—” But I barely get a word out before the cough follows. I’m losing this battle. But I need to tell him. I need him to know.
Just… just let me get through this.
“Raph…”
“Save the lecture for after we get home.”
His voice is commanding. Stubborn. But I can hear that undercurrent of fear running through it. Same thing that’s clouding his eyes. I want to comfort, to take the fear away, but my lungs aren’t cooperating. They’re panicking at the sudden lack of oxygen.
My lungs finally relax, but my mind is still racing. I should try again. Tell him again. He needs to know.
I need you. That’s what I’m trying to say. I need you.
Every time he runs off, half-cocked and fist first, I feel like I’ve lost my balance. Like a part of me is missing. And every time he gets hurt because of it, it feels like that part won’t come back. I’m always so terrified of losing him that I forget how good he is on his own. How well he adapts to being alone.
How little he really—
“I DON’T NEED YOU!”
He’s right. And thinking about it now, it makes me feel almost… proud. Why have I never thought of it this way before? Or maybe I did I just didn’t want to admit—
“Donnie!”
My eyes snap taught as I’m once again brought back to my senses. I search around for our younger brothers until I see the phone to Raph’s ear. At least they’re calling, means they’re still alive.
Raph shouts into the phone and I can see his hand shaking. Is that rage, worry, or fatigue? Or a mixture of all three? I try to catch his eyeline so I can ask how the others are, but one glance and he knows what I’m thinking.
“You guys alright?” He pauses and my gut is suddenly twisting in knots. “Mikey?”
Not Donnie? Did something happen to him? I try to hear the other end of the conversation but my senses are too dull to make anything out. Raph must have been thinking the same thing because he asks for me.
“Where’s Don?”
He’s turned away so I can’t see his face, but his body doesn’t tense in any way, so I can only assume that means they’re alright. If they weren’t, Raph’s musculature would betray his worry, like it always does. His body tenses and flexes a lot when he’s worried. And angry. And—
“He’s what!? You…”
The voice on the phone gets lost in the rain, but I heard those first words loud and clear. They hadn’t told Mikey. Probably to keep him moving and not panicking. Smart move, Don. I suddenly wish I could take the cell and speak with my baby brother. I want to tell him it’s all going to be alright. That there’s no need to be afraid. That I’m okay, or will be once we get back home. If I make it back home…
I might not make it home.
I just want to hear his voice one more time.
Raph is facing me again, staring at my stomach. Or rather glaring at it. “No.” he says in reply to some question on the phone, I assume. “He’s still awake and talking, but his speech is gettin’ slow.”
Is it? I hadn’t noticed.
He must be talking to Don now, Mikey wouldn’t ask those kinds of questions. Or wouldn’t know what to do with the answers, anyway. He’d be more focused… more focused on…
Shell, I’m tired.
Don’t think about it. Don’t fixate on the fatigue. Keep the mind busy.
I focus on Raph who is putting the phone on the ground. Did they hang up already? Is everyone alright? …Did I not ask that out loud? Try again. Breathe. Speak.
“They… Okay?”
But my voice is so small, I don’t think he hears me. His hand is on my neck—I think, I can’t feel it at all—checking for a pulse. Right. Probably should have been doing that this whole time. Wasn’t thinking.
“Weak and slow.” He pauses before I see his patience leave him. “Get here and see for yourself!” I blink slowly and somehow miss whatever else is said as he hangs up. “They’re alright. On their way now.”
I finally catch his eyes and see it plain as day on his face: he’s scared. For me. Worried for me. I know how stupid it sounds, but I can’t help feeling… treasured. He doesn’t want me to leave.
“I DON’T NEED YOU!”
I know he didn’t mean it. I barely heard it through my own dread when I noticed the sniper. Or maybe I was ignoring it purposefully because it hurt. But I know he didn’t mean it. I know my brother loves me. He never says it—that’s not his way—but he shows it often enough.
I hope I do too. I hope he knows how much I love him. Respect him. No matter what else we are to each other—leader, subordinate, rival—he’s my younger brother and I love him so much.
I’d be nothing without him. Without all three of them.
Mikey. Donnie. They’re not gonna make it. I’m fading too fast. I’m trying—I refuse to give up—but I don’t have a choice anymore. My body is failing me and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.
Memories of the three of them dance before me unprompted. I don’t stop it. I want to see them one last time. I want to see Mikey’s smile. I want to see Don’s “thinking” face. I want to tell them how much I’m going to miss them. How much they mean to me.
This is going to be so hard for them. All three of them. Mikey will cry. A lot. Don will too, but he’ll do it in silence. Secluded, so the others don’t see. And Raph… Raph will blame himself. He’ll think this is all his fault. No, he has to know it’s not. It was mine. I didn’t see the sniper in time.
He’ll lock himself away. We all know how he copes with pain. But he can’t do that this time. Mike and Don, they’ll need him to get through this. April and Casey can probably manage with each other, and Sensei can get through anything, but Mike and Don… they’ll need him.
I’m out of time. One last order from your older brother. One last desperate plea.
“Raph… Don’t—” Another cough interrupts me, more blood sliding through my lips. “Don’t… shut them out. They’ll need…” My voice trails off because it’s too much effort to keep talking. But I’m sure he understands. He’s got them. He’ll take care of everyone.
“I got them. If something ever happened… I got them.”
I trust him.
“What are you—?”
Our eyes meet and I try to offer as comforting a smile as I can. Everything is fading away. Like rippling water that dissipates in the distance. But it’s okay. Mikey and Donnie are safe. Raph will take care of them. They’ll be alright without me. I’m certain of it.
“Leo, don’t you dare!” He knows. He can see it too. “Keep your eyes open!”
“…Trying…” I really am. I don’t want to go. I don’t want one lapse in focus to be the reason I’m gone. I don’t want to put my family through this.
I don’t want to die at all.
“Well try harder! Since when do you back away from a fight!?”
But at least I’m not alone. I know it’s selfish, Raph would be much better off if he didn’t have to watch me go, but I don’t want to be alone. I want him here. So I can tell him.
I try to speak but the sound doesn’t come. It’s too much effort. Too much breath. Try again. I close my eyes to gather my strength. One last movement. Just let me say one last thing.
“I said keep ‘em open, dam—”
I manage to place my numb hand on his over my stomach, and I can tell it’s still shaking.
It’s okay, brother. It’s okay. Everything will be alright. “Tell them…” All of them. Dad, April, Casey.
“Leo—!”
“…M’Sorry.” For failing you. For leaving. For all of it.
“I’m… so…proud” Truly. They are everything I wish I was, everything I could never be.
I love them so much.
I try to say it. I try to form the words. But my breath has left my body and no more air is coming to replace it. The darkness at the edge of my vision closes in. A sudden panic rises in my chest and spikes through my entire being.
No! No, I don’t want to go! I don’t want to be alone! I don’t want to lose them! Please!
Please…
I feel warm. Tranquil. Like meditating with Sensei.
Underdark 2: The Undarkening! Aka @plothooksinc blessed us all with a sequel to Underdark; Chiaroscuro which focuses on Raph and Donnie's side of the story and the rescue operation. Obviously, I enjoyed it greatly.
I sketched the first doodle immediately after KJ showed me the first wip of the story. The 2nd is for celebrating her finishing the fic <3
And as an extra, here's a couple Mikey&Leos from the regular story. One of them I published with my first Underdark fanart, but I feel it might been too hidden under Read More. The other one is new ✨
It's taken three years to finally figure out this ending. Three years. Not out of a loss of muse or life getting too busy or forgetting about the story, no! But due to rewrite after rewrite after rewrite after rewrite! Ugh.
I warned you all in my first story, I’m terrible at endings. But at last, I think I’ve finally managed to stumble into a proper finale for this angsty beast.
To those who are still reading, I appreciate you more than I can say. And I apologize for the wait. Just know you weren’t forgotten, I’ve been working on this story the whole time. But I needed to find a resolution these poor brothers deserved that didn’t feel forced or overly “neat” (because nothing about grief is neat).
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The walls of the lair were eerily quiet. And there were a lot more shadows and random squeaks and squeals in the sewer at this hour. Perfect setting for a horror movie, Raph couldn’t help but think as he wandered through the empty lair. He wasn’t used to being awake so late. Normally when they got home from patrol he’d cool off with a quick work out, maybe a small snack, then put head to pillow and pass out immediately.
His routine had changed lately.
He had to do the rounds. Inform Splinter about events on patrol, check in on Mikey (he’d come home with a bad cold the other day and was taking full advantage of the pampering his illness allowed), and make sure Don actually slept for at least a few hours every night. All chores that had become his responsibility since Leo left three months ago to go on a mission with the Ancient One.
Three months without Leo.
It had been more of an adjustment than Raph expected. The first few days were no different than any of the other times he’d been away, and it was nice being the “responsible” sibling for a change. Made Raph feel important. Needed. But by the end of the second week, responsibility had become a hefty burden. Almost too much. Like weight training; the first few lifts are easy, but as you keep going, it gets heavier and heavier. And the weight of Leo’s absence was one he didn’t think he could carry for much longer.
Though, it wasn’t just the chores. If Raph was being honest with himself—only here, in the confines of his mind where no one else could hear—he would admit, he missed his brother’s presence. Didn’t miss getting bossed around or being coddled, but it was comforting having Leo nearby. On missions and at home. Having that sense of someone always being at your back was reassuring. Especially when it was someone like Leo who always seemed to have a solution for when things went wrong. Not to mention he was more entertaining to poke fun at than Mikey. And he certainly made for a good sparring partner.
Yeah, Raph liked having big brother around. Even if he was a pain in the ass.
He'd never say any of that out loud. But he would quietly think it the next time he saw their fearless leader.
Whenever that was.
Shaking the thought away, Raph continued on his rounds for the evening. He had one more chore for the night: make sure Donnie actually got some sleep. The egghead had been getting lost in another invention of his and ignoring his bed for several weeks. Raph had to force him to sleep for the past three days now. How Fearless ever dealt with this with any amount of patience was beyond him, but he channeled his best Leo impression and walked to Don’s door.
Low and behold, the tall turtle was still sitting at his desk.
Raph couldn’t help a quick roll of his eyes as he entered. “Don, how many times I gotta tell ya—” He cut himself off as soon as he got close enough to hear the light snore whistling through the room. A grin split his lips as he rounded his brother’s shell to see him passed out in his chair, arms pillowed under his head, a half-drained cup of coffee beside the keyboard, a pencil precariously balancing on his slack fingers, his purple mask half raised on his face so it only covered one eye, and a small trail of spit drooling down his chin. Probably fell asleep mid equation.
Raph shook his head. Why is it smart people never take their own advice; how many times had Don lectured them about the importance of sleep for both body and mind?
Taking a moment to snap a quick photo (for future blackmailing purposes of course) Raph debated whether it was worth waking the night owl to get him to a proper bed. He’d probably just start working again, and Raph was too tired for an argument tonight.
Don coughed lightly, shifting his head on his arm as his brow furrowed in his sleep. Was he getting sick, too? All these late nights with nothing but coffee and pizza to sustain him, it wouldn’t really be surprising. And it’s not like Mikey was careful about not spreading germs. Chancing a brush of his brother’s forehead, Raph felt a definitive heat radiating under his hand.
“Dammit, Donnie.” He mumbled to himself.
Deciding it was too risky to wake him, Raph stomped over to the bed and yanked the blanket away to drape it over Don in his chair. Guess he wasn’t going to sleep much tonight, he’d be up checking on his idiot-genius brother every few hours. Maybe he should go get the thermometer to make sure the fever wasn’t—
“Leo…” Don was mumbling in his sleep. His frown suddenly deepened, his face twisting into a pained grimace before his eyes shot open and his body spiked upright quick as a lightning strike. “LEO!”
“Whoa, whoa, easy Don.” Raph calmed, waiting until his brother’s eyes focused a little more before continuing. “You alright?”
“Yeah…” Don puffed a few rapid breaths as his mind finished separating reality from specter. “Just a bad dream.” He took a final long exhale, releasing the rest of the fear from his eyes. Almost. There were still a few remnants that Raph could see.
“’Bout Leo?” When Don looked at him with surprise he explained. “You were talkin’ in your sleep.” He looked almost embarrassed, especially as he wiped the drool from his face, but Raph was still curious. “Why are you havin’ nightmares about Leo? You know something I don’t?”
“No, no, it’s nothing like that.” Don waved off. “I just… you know…” At Raph’s curious cock of his brow, Don sighed. “It’s been a long time since he’s been away like this. I’m not used to not having him around. My mind keeps concocting new ways that his mission could be going wrong and the terrible things that could be happening to him. I know—” He cut Raph off before he could interject. “—it’s not likely. I know he’s probably fine. I guess… I guess I just miss him.”
Raph couldn’t object to that. Though a few things were starting to add up now. “Is that why you’ve been staying up and working on projects?”
Don nodded timidly. “It’s easier to ignore the irrational fears when I’m focused on a project. And it has the added benefit of keeping me from sleep and therefore keeping me from dreaming. But I guess even my body has it’s limits when it comes to sleep deprivation.” He looked at his half-filled cup of coffee. “I must have fallen asleep while working on—” He paused, turning to eye Raph curiously. “Wait… I know why I’m up, but what are you doing awake? And in my room? And—?” He finally took note of the blanket around his shoulders that certainly hadn’t been there when he fell asleep. A coy, affectionate, smile crawled across his lips as he turned to his brother. “Were you checking up on me?”
Raph folded his arms to hide the embarrassment of being caught being protective. “I was just making sure you and your bed were still on speaking terms.”
“Wow. That’s… That’s so—”
“If you say ‘sweet’ I’m gonna put you to sleep the old fashioned way.”
Don chuckled lightly, raising a hand in surrender when his brother cracked his knuckles. “I was going to say that’s very Leo of you.”
Huh. Raph wasn’t sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult. Before he had a chance to make up his mind, Don started coughing again. It was worse than when he’d been asleep, it sounded wet and heavy. “That’s it Egg-Head, time for you to rest that big brain of yours.”
Don gave no protest, rubbing his temples as his eyes started to ache. “Yeah, maybe you’re right.”
Raph waited for his brother to actually get in bed and under the covers. “If I come back here in a few hours and find you at your desk again—”
Don raised his hand in surrender once more. “I know, I know. I’ll sleep, I promise.”
True to his word, when Raph returned ten minutes later to check in, he found Don fast asleep in his bed, no lights on or books nearby to indicate he’d tried to continue working. Good. Raph nodded his approval before heading for the kitchen. Staying up this late made him hungry.
Quietly as possible—so as not to wake the endless food-pit that was his youngest brother—he heated up some leftover pizza and headed for the couch in the living room. If he was going to be up checking on Donnie in a few hours, may as well stay awake with a movie or something instead of trying to sleep. And wouldn’t you know it, there was a Rocky marathon on TV. Perfect.
But it didn’t take long before exhaustion set in. Despite his many demands that his eyes remain open, he passed out before the end of the first movie.
His senses slowly came back to him as his eyes opened before he told them to. How long had he been out? Groggy as he was, it took a minute to realize he’d been covered with a blanket and the television had been turned off. Who had—
A noise come from the med bay. Raph looked at the clock and sighed heavily. Don must be up and about again. How many times did he have to be told that four hours a night wasn’t enough sleep?
Cursing aloud, Raph rubbed the lethargy from his eyes and forced himself to stand, sluggishly stomping toward the med bay. “Dammit Don, I swear I will smother you with a pillow if you don’t get your shell back in—” He stopped short as he entered the room and was greeted by a different sibling.
“You’re up early.”
“Leo!?” His excitement caught him off guard and he wasn’t able to catch the smile that split his lips. “When did you get home!?”
“About half an hour ago.”
“Well why didn’t you say any—” As he stepped closer, Raph noticed the needle and thread in his brother’s hand. His arm was bleeding.
Leo was quick to reassure. “It’s just a scratch.”
But his words fell on deaf ears. ‘Just a scratch’ with Leo could mean anything from an actual scratch to a fatal stab wound. The blood was coming from the back of his left arm, right near the shoulder. Twist as he may, the older turtle was clearly having trouble reaching it. Raph huffed and walked over, grabbing the needle and thread and sitting on the stool behind his brother. “I got it.”
First making sure the cut wasn’t actually life threatening, Raph cleaned it and began sewing small stitches as he’d seen Donnie do many a time. “So who’s the lucky SOB that actually managed to cut ya?”
“A giant lizard creature with a heavy battle axe and a real bad temper.”
Raph snorted a quick laugh. “You get to have all the fun.”
Leo quirked a smile. “How have things been here? The other two felt like they had fevers, are they sick?”
So big brother had already done the rounds and checked on everyone. That explained the blanket. “Mike’s on the mend, but I think Don’s caught it now. He’s been workin’ himself too hard.” With only a hint of accusation, Raph added. “He was worried about you. They both were.” From behind Raph couldn’t see his brother’s face, but the slight bow of his head meant the guilt was settling in. Good. He should feel bad. “You could have called.”
“Sorry.” Leo shrugged and reached behind his back to pull out his shell-cell, busted in at least three different places. “The Ancient One is great at many things, but fixing cell phones isn’t one of them.” He paused, glancing back at his brother over his shoulder. “Seems like you had everything under control though.”
“I don’t think you can use the word ‘control’ when Mikey’s involved.”
“I’m serious. I’m glad you were here. It’s…” He paused like he wasn’t sure he wanted to finish his thought, and when he spoke again his voice was much more somber. “It’s comforting to know you can handle things if something ever happened to me.”
That halted Raph in his tracks, his hands pausing as his eyes snapped up to his brother’s. “You in some kinda trouble that I should know about?”
“No.”
“Then what the shell is that kind of talk for?” It was putting Raph on edge and he didn’t like it.
Leo shook his head—humorously or in annoyance Raph couldn’t tell—and waved his brother off. “Just had a lot of time to think lately. That’s all. I was trying to pay you a compliment.”
“Well you suck at it.” But there was something his brother wasn’t saying, and Raph wasn’t sure he wanted to know what. With two more quick stitches, he cut the thread and placed a bandage over the wound. “Done.”
“Thanks.” Leo gave an experimental roll of his shoulder, testing the feel of it with stitches now in place. He gathered his weapons and headed for the door.
“Hey.” Raph waited till his brother’s shell was to him before speaking. “I got them.” Leo turned, eyeing Raph curiously as he continued. “Not that it’ll ever be necessary because we all know you’re harder to kill than a cockroach on steroids, but if it ever did—I mean if something ever happened—" He paused awkwardly, rolling his eyes at himself and this whole ridiculous conversation. “I got them.”
There was a long moment of silence, like Leo wasn’t sure how to reply, which only made Raph feel like more of an idiot. But his brother suddenly stretched his hand out expectantly, his eyes intensely serious. “Promise?”
Raph returned the look with one of his own, taking his brother’s hand with a good firm grip. “Yeah.”
And then Leo smiled and Raph had no idea why but it made him feel instantly proud of himself. How did he do that?
That was big brother for you.
A whine from down the hall snaked it’s way into the room, and both siblings easily recognized Mikey’s voice crying out for Raph. The red-banded turtle shrugged his shoulders emphatically and began walking away. “He’s your problem now, Fearless. Welcome home.”
Leo chuckled lightly. “No place like it.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It's been a year now since we buried him. A year since he was placed in that peaceful spot by the trees. A year since that rock became the last marker of his life.
Feels like decades. Feels like yesterday.
Being that this is our first "vacation" up here without him, we're all a little wary as we step out of the truck. It's not as heavy as it was when we came up to burry him, or when we visited six months ago after my run-in with Hun. But it still feels wrong.
Everything feels wrong without him.
I'm doing my best nowadays to not cause trouble, so I wait by the trailer and see what the others do. Mikey doesn't even hesitate, bounding over to the grave, shouting something about "saying hello" and pulling Don along with him. Splinter and April only smile as they follow, and Case shoots me a knowing shrug as he walks along with them.
I tell my legs to follow, but they suddenly feel like led.
It's not a big deal, it's just a grave. Ain't no different than talking to his picture back in the dojo.
But I... I can't move toward it.
Maybe it's talking to him around other people. Or talking to that cold stone instead of a picture. Or maybe it's knowing that his body is here, six feet under, decomposing and covered in worms and dirt and--STOP. I'm gonna make myself hurl if I don't change the subject.
A long, heavy sigh escapes me as I stare at the ground a moment longer.
Just a grave.
I force my legs to move.
By the time I'm finally able to meander over, Mikey is already yammering on about the drive up and everything that's been happening since that nightmare of a night. He says something about me, but I don't quite catch it. My focus is drawn elsewhere. One look at that stone, at the name etched in it, and I can feel old instincts returning. Old instincts to run from the pain. From the guilt. From everything.
Breathe through it. Splinter says to breathe and ground myself by remembering what I have to stay for.
I glance around at my family in front of me, eyeing each of them in turn and trying not to be distracted by the sadness that's sprinkled into their demeanor.
Running didn't solve anything. I ain't going down that road again. I couldn't do that to my family again. My eyes clock the name once—
A chill runs down my spine as I freeze in place, staring at the watery puddle of red that’s slowly crawling towards me.
Leo’s staring at his stomach. There’s blood dripping down his fingers.
“Leo—!"
“…M’Sorry.”
Suddenly I'm back on that roof, with the rain on my shell, the blood on my hands, and Leo's cold body laying still in my arms.
Panic rises with the instant intensity of an erupting volcano. My fingers curl into my palms and dig into my skin, my eyes snap shut--as if closing them will take away memory--and it's all I can do to hold my breath so I don't scream.
No. No, breathe. Sensei says breathe through it. Don't block it out, but don't let it take over. Just breathe.
"Raph?"
Damn. Mikey noticed. I open my eyes to see everyone staring at me with the same concern on their faces they've been suffocating me with all year. I'm glad they're here, I don't want to block them out like I did before, but damn what I wouldn't give to go a day—just one day!—without making them all look at me like that.
"You okay?" Mikey finally asks. "Was it something I said?"
"Just enjoying the fresh air." I breathe deep again, a little more dramatically to really sell my next quip. "Six hours in a windowless trailer with your B.O was making me dizzy."
That seems to abate their worry. When in doubt, insult Mikey. Works every time.
"Why don't I go make us some dinner?" Casey changes the subject abruptly. "I've been itchin' to use the barbecue out here, it makes the best hot dogs you ever ate!"
"No pizza?"
"There are other foods, Mikey." April adds with a twinge of a giggle.
The conversation drifts off as they all head back to the cabin, leaving only me and Don at the grave.
I cast a glance at my younger brother, watching closely as he kneels before the stone. There’s a somberness in his movements that goes beyond grief, stretching to something dangerously close to guilt. I should know.
"Leo..." He kneels down and looks at the stone, running his hand along the carved katakana.
He's still grieving. I mean, we all are, but Don most of all. He's been so busy worrying about everyone else--about me, mostly--I think he's forgotten to deal with his own pain.
Sounds like another brother I know.
"You okay?" He asks as he stands up, looking me over like he's trying to get a bead on where my head is at.
I fold my arms in front of me and meet his eyes with a stern look of my own. "Yeah. You?"
"Just tired from the trip." He's a terrible liar. "Are you coming inside?"
"Not yet."
He pauses, worry jumping into his features faster than a lightning strike. "You want some company? I don't mind staying out a bit longer."
"Nah." I try to sound as casual as I can. "You better go inside and make sure Case doesn't set the joint on fire." He remains still, flitting between looking at me and the grave, clearly unconvinced I'm as chill as I say. So I make eye contact and add emphatically, "I'm fine, Don. Just got a few things I want to say. Alone."
That was what he needed. "Okay." He's still reluctant, but he heads towards the house.
Shit, I should say--"Don," He stops far too quickly, like he was hoping for me to ask him to stay. I don't turn to look at him, but I make sure he can hear me. "I'm... I'm here for you too, you know. If you need to talk... or something... I'm here."
I can almost hear the smile that creeps across his face at my bumbling attempt to comfort, but before he walks away I hear a surprisingly sincere "thanks Raph" roll over his shoulder.
Well, I said something. No idea if he'll actually follow through, but I guess so long as he knows... that's enough, right?
I sigh heavily again.
I’ll check in with him later.
~*~*~*~*~*~
“Slowly. Take it slowly. One step at a time.”
I breathe deep, tapping down the annoyance flaring in my chest as I focus on my slow and pitiful walk up the stairs. I know Don’s just worried I’ll push too hard and tear my stiches open, but he’s got to realize how condescending he’s being.
Not that I’ll say anything about it. I ain’t got no right. Not after what I put him through. All of ‘em.
“You sure you don’t want someone to carry you? Casey’d probably do it if you asked.”
I might have actually cracked a smile at that one if Mike’s voice didn’t sound so forcefully happy. He’s afraid he’ll say something that’ll make me run off again. Can’t blame him.
My side burns as I make the third step, but my grimace isn’t from the pain.
I hate this. They’re so worried about losing me, they don’t see it anymore. Don’t see my guilt. Don’t see my shame. Too worried about keeping me healthy or making me smile.
And I don’t deserve any of it.
I keep trying to tell them. For five days now I’ve spent every waking minute trying to work up the courage to tell ‘em the truth. Tell ‘em what really happened.
Tell ‘em why our brother is dead.
But I can’t do it. The thought of Mikey’s eyes filled with hurt and hatred, the memory of Don screaming at me in pained anger… I just can’t do it. I can’t hurt them anymore.
I can’t lose them. They deserve to know but—
“Dee, he’s bleeding!”
I don’t even get the chance to register Mike’s words before Don is examining my side and stopping my march up the stairs.
“He popped a stitch. See, I told you it was too soon to be moving! It’s only been five days, you should be bed-ridden for at least another nine! Come on, let’s get you back in—”
“Donatello, calm.”
Sensei mercifully steps in.
“It is only one stitch. Your brother will be more comfortable—and therefore more likely to rest—in his own bed. It is not much farther.”
“But—”
“We’re basically half way there, Dee. It’d take just as long to go back.”
I wait as patiently as I can as the three talk, keeping my mouth shut on the matter. I’d prefer my own bed, sure. But I ain’t gonna kick up a fuss about it.
“Fine. Just—”
“Slow. He’s got it, Dee.”
I see Don shoot Mikey an annoyed glare, which makes him grin. A real grin.
It’s almost like it’s possible for things to get back to normal around here.
By the time we finally make it up the stairs, I’m already exhausted. Donnie was right, my body ain’t ready for movement yet. I only make it a few more feet before I need to take a break and catch my breath. Don doesn’t miss a beat.
“See, he’s already tired. He shouldn’t be up and moving yet!”
“Dude, we’re like five feet from his room. I think he can make it five feet.”
They continue to squabble and I’m losing patience by the second. But just as I’m about to butt in, my eye catches sight of the door we’re stopped in front of.
Perfectly made bed, books alphabetized and orderly, and the smell of incense drifting through the air.
Leo’s room. Exactly as he left it. They haven’t touched a thing…
“Raphael.”
Sensei’s gentle voice catches the attention of my brothers, and I assume they notice the room too because everyone is suddenly silent. Solemn. Still.
Leo…
“Come on.” Don clears his throat as he touches my shell. “Almost there.”
No one says another word.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Alone in the grass at last, I take a moment to look at the sunset. It ain't no New York skyline, but it sure ain't ugly either. I suppose I can see the merit in watching a good sunset across the trees.
Leo always preferred sunrises, I think. He liked the fresh start of a new day.
I close my eyes and enjoy the fresh air around me, but it isn’t long before my gaze is pulled back to that grave. To that name that I’ll probably never be able to say without a sharp twinge in my chest.
“Leo...”
I breathe out the pain like stretching a sore muscle and try again to settle myself. I shouldn’t just stand here, they’ll worry.
“There’s… there’s some stuff I want to say. Stuff I… I probably should’ve said when you were…”
The past tense pulls me up short. I hate talking about him like he’s gone. It makes it all too real.
But it is real. And I need to start accepting that.
Just gotta say it and get it over with. “Look… I just want you to know that… that I don’t hate you. I could never. You pissed me off sometimes—a lot of the time—but it’s only because I hated that you never trusted me to take care of myself. I hated that you felt I wasn’t enough on my own. And more than anything I hated…” I don’t know who this is harder to admit to, him or me. “I hated that I could never be like you. I was never gonna be Sensei’s perfect student, or the ancient one’s protégé, or even the guy that Mikey and Donnie look up to. It made me feel inadequate. Like I wasn’t good enough. But it never meant that I hated you. I shouldn’t have—"
“I don’t need anything! I don’t need your orders! I don’t need your leadership! I DON’T NEED YOU!”
I shake my head and try to let the memory roll off my shell. This moment isn’t about my guilt, I got the rest of my life to wrestle with that. This is about saying what I never did. About telling him the truth.
“I love you, Leo. You were… are… a good leader. And an even better brother. And I…” Tears are stinging the edge of my eyes as an ache sits on my chest and makes it difficult to breathe. “I miss you. A lot. I—”
“Tell them…”
No. No, we ain’t doin’ this now! “Leo—!”
“…M’Sorry.” He whispers something haltingly with the last of his breath but I’m panicking too much to really let it sink it.
Dammit, dammit, dammit!
“Don’t you—” But his eyes close and his hand falls to the ground and I realize it wasn’t his hand that was shaking, it was mine. The rain seems to freeze in it’s downpour as suddenly everything goes completely silent. Still.
Empty.
I feel the last of his breath escape through my hands on his stomach and the ache in my chest turns to intense pain. I close my eyes to it, focusing on calming the quake of my legs, but the memory floods my every sense without warrant.
A chill runs down my spine as I freeze in place, staring at the watery puddle of red that’s slowly crawling towards me. For a minute, my vision blurs. Everything seems to shut down as I slowly look up, tracking the blood to it’s source.
Leo’s staring down at his hand by his stomach, eyes wide.
There’s blood dripping down his fingers.
It can’t be… there’s no way… “Leo?”
“Leonardo!”
Dammit! Breathe. Just breathe through it. Don’t stop the pain but don’t let it take over.
I give in to the shaking of my legs and fall to a knee, clenching my fists tighter and sucking in a deep gulp of air to steady myself. When I finally find any measure of control, I reach forward and touch the stone as reverently as I know how, my face intensely serious. I want him to know I mean this. “I know I’m the one who caused this, but I ain’t gonna be selfish anymore. I made you a promise, and I ain’t gonna break it. Ever.”
The conversation bubbles to the surface, mercifully pushing aside all other memories for the moment. I cling to the reprieve as I swear my oath. “I got them. Mikey, Don, Sensei, all of them. I got them.”
And then Leo smiled and Raph had no idea why but it made him feel instantly proud of himself. How did he do that?
That was big brother for you.
The memory of his smile brings one to my face, albeit sad and full of regret. But it gives me the strength to speak again. To say something I’m not sure I feel yet, but I want him to know. “Thanks… for saving my ass back there. I owe you one.”
I choke on the last words and give in to the tears, letting myself grieve openly for the first time in a while. My hand stays on the grave, finding a small measure of connection to my brother that I cling to with fervor.
Damn, I miss him.
I wish he was—
“I wish you were here, Leo. I wish I hadn’t run off that night. I wish I’d seen the sniper or noticed the trap or stopped the bleeding. I wish you were—”
“Still here...”
The voice floats around me, nothing but a whisper outside my peripheral. It always will be from now on. A piece of my brother that’ll always remain just out of sight. Out of reach.
But still there. Always.
I close my eyes and let his voice surround me, let his presence—faint as it is—comfort the way only Leo knows how. The way only big brother can. He lends me his strength and I accept hungrily.
Then I square my shoulders, wipe my eyes of any trace of tears, and stand. Time to step up.
“Thanks Fearless.”
The wind kicks up and blows leaves against my shoulder and I swear it feels like Leo’s signature shoulder-pat.
I smile.
I take one more long look at that name in the stone, let myself feel the weight of it on my shoulders, and then turn back to the house. Just in time too. Mikey comes boundin’ out the door shoutin’ something about turtle speed stereotypes that gets a humorous head shake from Don who emerges behind him.
We’ll be okay. For the first time in a year, I’m positive we’re gonna be okay. Not the same. Not ever. But okay. And that’s enough for me.
“Raph! Come ooooooooon!”
I sigh, hiding the smirk that tugs at my lips from hearing Mikey whine like a child. “Keep yer shell on, I’m comin’.”
I take a moment, looking at my family as they gather around the BBQ with smiles on their faces, and feel my oath etch itself into my very soul.
“Raph, don’t… shut them out. They’ll need…”
I got them, Leo. I swear.
I got them.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Previous < - > Epilogue 1
And at last, it is done. Holy cheeseballs.
This story has consumed me for years now. I don’t think I’ve ever had this much trouble and this much excitement in equal measure while writing.
Technically there’s still an epilogue (or two) of sorts to come, but they’re more connected tangentially than a continuation of the story.
I hope this short ending was worth the wait (even if half of it was a random flashback). Let me know what you think.
End of Line.
-TRAaP
*Katakana is a type of lettering in Japanese. They have Hiragana, Katakana (used mainly for foreign words) and kanji. Leo's name, being foreign, would be written in Katakana like this:レオナルド
It is done! I feel both like I spent far too much time on this update yet not nearly enough. Some poses are a bit stiff but hopefully the battle itself still reads. I know not much progress was made plot wise, but trust me, there’s a few things in here that are going to become very important much later on in the story.
Leo’s Ninpo: The keen reader might recognize that a number of Leo’s attacks are ones he picked up from Gram Gram, but with a bit of that added portal flair. I really wanted to push the boundaries of where he takes his skills, but stay true to the belief that rather than becoming a heavy hitting powerhouse like his brothers, his strength lies in his ability to calculate and react on the fly. I also wanted to give some level of limitation to each of their gifts. For Leo, it’s less the number of portals he creates that exhaust him, but rather the size and amount of energy that passes through these portals and his ability to keep them stable during the transaction. He has also become much better at keeping his portals well protected (so that portal pirates can not interfere or rather, so that the pirates aren’t killed by stray laser beams rushing through). As far as the Portal Choppers, we’ll be coming back to those and how they work later on in the story…
As always, thank you for your patience, hopefully the next one won’t take as long to create haha.
@kathaynesart I love your art, I love your story, and I love your insane attention to detail. Please don't feel like you have to apologize for taking time to make something this wonderful, especially when it's gifted to us masses to consume for free.
That being said, I cannot wait for the next update.
comic of a scene from the fic a shot in the dark doesn't make it unbreak by @stillateenageabomination !! had a lot of fun on this one :] (also, if you love angst like i do, give the fic a read!)
hi does anyone else think about april throwing herself over leo to shield him in the shredder strikes back despite having no weapons no way to defend herself and probably assuming she was going to die. does anyone think about that all the time. every day. uncontrollably
[ID: Digital fanart of Ninja Turtles 2003 depicting a scene from The Shredder Strikes Back part 2. April kneels over an injured Leo, cradling his head and looking back over her shoulder to snarl viciously at the camera, though there is obvious fear in her eyes. Her hair has partially fallen out of her bun, the loose strands sticking to her face with sweat. She has a cut on her cheek. Only a portion of Leo’s face can be seen from behind her shoulder. He looks up at her with a sad, pained expression. He has a swollen, bloody shiner in addition to other cuts and bruises on the rest of his body. They are on the wooden floor of a dark attic. End ID.]
Does anyone else think about it?
Yes. Constantly.
This art is beautiful. From Leo's helpless face to April's messy hair and fiery eyes, I love it all. Poetry in poster.
I imagine in the first couple weeks or so when Leo is too tired to do anything more than sleep, he welcomes the safety and comfort. Once he becomes more coherent, the moping and self-isolation start >_>
OOOF. Yes. I needed that one. Needed that resolution so bad. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad to see everyone reunited, but this short little scene gives us consequences and it really rounds out the arc for me.
The circle has begun to turn, whether by design or mistake has yet to be seen.
BEGINNING || PREVIOUS || NEXT (SOON)
MASTER POST
If you're looking for an extra bit of flavor, a song that has kind of become Mikey's Theme for me helped inspire this sequence (specifically 3:15-3:55).
Just one more update and we'll be finished with this chapter finally! I was originally going to post the whole finale here, but decided it was just getting too long. Will post the last bit soon!
