A quiet college campus where the sky is grey, the air is still and cold and every morning, raven black monsters fly from tree to tree cawing, as we all huddle closer for warmth in the Regenstein library-bunker.
The sun forgot to rise this past week, causing the temperature to drop to an all time low of -60 degrees, not that any one noticed, since it is a mere 20 degrees colder than the usual temperature of our ice-wastes. The University secret police has announced that classes, are not, in fact, cancelled. Any one who fails to show up to class will be executed, or worse, expelled
A look at our community calendar: The quarterly Humans vs. Zombies game has kicked off today. The Moderators would like to remind you that attendance is MANDATORY. All students without the proper armaments are to report to the center of the Quad to receive their $5 HvZ set which includes: a Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum Revolver, 2 bags of hollow-tipped rounds and several hand grenades with an accompanying launcher. Students who pay one dollar more will also receive an entirely useless but very cool looking crossbow. The Moderators would also like to remind you that this is just a game and that guns do not actually kill zombies. In fact, guns do not even kill people. Zombies are not even real, say The Moderators. Nothing is real. We are all immortal and it’s a miracle! The Moderators concluded their statement with this: all humans who claim that they have been irreversibly turned into a zombie after being bitten by one are merely hallucinating or suffering from a particularly virulent strain of Ebola. Please disregard these people. In fact, don’t even go near them, Ebola is very contagious, you know….
And now, a word from our sponsors: Do you like ipecac? Do you like illicit narcotics? Do you like vomiting uncontrollably….for science? Of course you do! You’re a college student. The DeWitt Laboratory of Human Behavioral Pharmacology of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Neuroscience would like to recruit YOU to be their next study subject! Applicants must be old enough to make poor life choices and be of able and healthy constitution. All interested applicants should stand in the center of the Science Quad, facing GCIS and wave around a bag of illicit narcotics, shouting, “We want more drugs!”
Update on the sun that is failing to rise. University administrators are scrambling arrange an emergency Kuvia at the point in the hopes that the annual blood magic of sacrificing a first year in the firepits and the ritualistic “sun salutations” from the local students of the University will succeed in convincing the sun to rise again. The students of Dodd Mead are protesting this motion, as they claim they have not been given sufficient time to prepare their annual propaganda and indoctrination of their first years, and thus run the risk of losing the trophy filled with unrefined uranium traditionally awarded to the house with the greatest attendance.
And now for some news: The Math Department, in an attempt at expanding their department’s dedication to theory over practice, have relinquished all earthly ties this last Tuesday. Several of the department’s faculty were last seen transcending their earthly bonds and transforming into strange nebulous masses of pure logic and reason. The department’s building, the William Eckhardt Research Centre, has also decided to join this massive exodus from our spectral plane by becoming entirely translucent and then disappearing all together. Students trying to reach their classes in Eckhardt, can still reach the building through the bridge from Ryerson or by praying in their dorm’s bloodstone circle, sacrificing a first year and writing out the proof of the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus in their blood if they do not wish to face the cold of the ice-wastes. The Philosophy Department has gone on record criticizing the Math Department for being entirely unoriginal, as the Philosophy Department had also left behind their earthly bonds several years prior.
The University Secret Police called a press conference today to remind people that Greek life does not exist. They stood outside Saieh Chapel and vehemently denied the existence of these so-called “fraternity” and “sorority” organizations. They continued this denial for several minutes and through a lengthy period of questioning from the gathered press which mostly consisted of pointing at the building directly connected to the Saieh Chapel and raising an eyebrow. “Greek Life is not real” they said, “Nu-uh. What is this ‘Panhellenic’ thing you keep talking about? Show me a fraternity! Show me one of these so-called “frat-bro” students! You are not a frat bro. What’s a frat? Who let you in here?” They then ended the press conference with the customary rounding up, arrests and filing of restraining orders against dissenting members of the press.
Today, the Hunchback that lives in the tower above Rockefeller chapel played the Star Wars theme on the bells again, followed by a series of anime theme songs and several songs made popular by the internet, Including, but not limited to “Nyan Cat” and “Darude Sandstorm” When reached for comments, he only said “I did it for Scav” and “Lol I’m so quirky lol” before scurrying back up to his nest on a gargoyle overlooking University Ave.“
