my relationship with food has always been weird. i've always been the "picky eater" and growing up i was always the thinnest out of my 3 other siblings.
i don't think my eating disorder started on purpose. i don't even remember how it started; one day in fourth grade i just started throwing out my lunch every day because i wasn't hungry for it. i remember thinking about the ham and cheese sandwhich i would find, dented by the apple my mom also packed me. i just did not want it, thinking about it would nauseate me.
after a while it became a bad cycle- i wouldn't eat breakfast because of the early mornings, i would skip lunch, and then i would tell my mom i was still full from lunch so i could skip dinner when i got home. the worst it got was when i went 12 days without anything but water and i couldn't even participate in gym because i was so weak.
people noticed i was thin, but they didn't think much of it because i've always been thin. i've never been the type of person to clear their plate. so it went unnoticed and untreated until 6th grade when i got hospitalized for the first time. and my eating disorder wasn't even what i got hospitalized for. i was in for self harm and suicidal ideation, and it wasn't until the last week i was there that they realized i had an ed and they put me on a meal plan.
the reason no one caught it, besides the fact that i've always been petite, is because i never really admitted it, not even to myself.
i realized that i was restricting myself, but for me it was more about the control then about my weight. yeah i hated my body, and yeah i wanted to be as thin as those thinspo girls, but i think those thoughts came after i started restricting. i think it started with longing for the sense of control.
thats why i never really put my restricting and an eating disorder together. i knew i was harming my body by not eating, but i thought because it was more about control then it can't be an eating disorder, right?
i've been hospitalized a total of six times and i've only gotten treatment for my ed that one time in 6th grade because that was the only time i was willing to get help for it. and i hated it. they forced me to stay seated at every meal until i was done, and the anxiety was indescribable. after that "treatment" i never wanted help with it ever again. i just dealt with it on my own. i knew i needed to "fix" my thoughts before i could fix anything else.
flash forward some years. i am now 20 and i've just finally begun to gain weight. I just broke 100lbs this christmas and i plan to keep gaining.
but i still have an eating disorder. as much as i do not want to admit it, as much as i want to repress it and just deny it, i know it's still there. i just want to say i've recovered so bad because i'm gaining weight but i know that that's not always the case.
yes i've been gaining weight, and yes i like my progress, but my thoughts are still there. i still long for control. sometimes i go without eating for a 3-5 days, i just restrict myself because i know i can and because i want that feeling. i miss the hunger pains sometimes, i want to feel skinny. i still have all of these fucked up thoughts. i am definitely not recovered.
is this an eating disorder? i want to gain weight, i really do, especially in this social climate where having a phat ass is the standard for women. i hate not having curves.
but i also hate eating. i hate the energy it takes to chew, i hate the textures, i hate the smells, it's all so overwhelming. i get so nauseous just thinking about it to the point where i don't even want to look at food. i want it as far away from me as possible.
but i know i need it to survive, so that's just how i look at it when i need it: fuel. it's like the coal i'm shoveling into my furnace to keep me going, i just put one spoonful into my mouth after the other and i don't think about it. i just open my mouth, throw the food in, and chew as fast as i can. that's how i've been surviving. that's how i've gained this weight.
is this an eating disorder?
at this point i want to gain weight, but i can't because i hate food, but at the same time i don't want it because i have a sense of control with it, but at the same time i know i need it to survive. i just know that if i don't eat i'll die, but maybe that's why i started to restrict in the first place?
i remember being so suicidal that the hunger pains would bring me comfort, because i felt like my body was shutting down and i loved it. sometimes i still long for this feeling and i hate to admit it.
i just want to get better.
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