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left my fucking apartment keys in my work truck and made it ALL THE WAY HOME before realizing. and i have to get gas to go get them. Which i hadn’t planned on.

kind of just want to fucking die right now. I’m not going to but motherfucking DID NOT NEED THIS TONIGHT.

#personal #vent #FUCK

fuck.

how long is it going to take for me to not feel so fucking depressed about this?

nobody was at fault, it’s literally just circumstances neither of us could control but fuck, i had genuinely planned for the rest of our lives and.

now its not the same. Not gone, but it’s not the same way we meant it.

fuck this hurts.

#personal #vent #trans guy #summary: long term relationship ended bc orientation of partner changed unexpectedly. I unfort. am not the gender they are into anymore.#literally nobody to blame but its very definitive.#i genuinely might have to up my antidepressants because of this i dont know #i just dont fucking jnow

tfw if you are a system af least one of the alters thinks they can drive and ABSOLUTELY CANNOT GIVE ME BACK THE FUCKING WHEEL HOLY SHIT YOU ALMOST JUST WRECKED -

this is normal right????

#plurality #questioning plural #like. this is normal right??? keep flip flopping between the calm focused onw who can drive and rhe hyper excited one who keep #almost drifting into other cars and getting way too close to other cars rapidly #like every two/three seconds #rightv???

Writing a Winter Soldier fic where a) they decide to make a second from someone in the Red Room and suprise trans-your-gender when they’re given the serum, and b) apparently we’re gonna write this character with DID. Because it feels right…and no other reason….nope.

#winter soldier fic #we are Not gonna think too much on why this makes sense or why moon night also makes a ton of sense and feels a bit too familar. lol.#or why ‘we’ is more accurate than ‘i’ quite frequently #disassociative identity disorder #characters with did

so is it common to kind of just assume that Bucky kind of has did with the winter soldier being a separate personality? If that makes sense? Like, fic i read kind if makes the unexplicit assumption but it makes sense to me??? Especially given the verg literal trigger words??

#no I’m not projecting i dont think lmao…i dont remotely have a did diagnosis.my relating to characters withbit and it making totap sense….#thats unrlatws #also am i using this to thibk about as a distraction whoops bc i thibk we kgiht have done thatttt sorrry #anyways #winter soldier #bucky #did #maybe #at lwast for bucky?

dikdikpronouncedxylophone

The most terrifying part of having memory issues is when you can feel something from 5 seconds ago be thrown out the window and there's an empty hole where it once was. You remember that you forgot something.

yknow no fucking wonder i tend to relate to characters like the winter soldier and bucky and thor and even anakin just a bit and obi wan and ahsola

So fucking many of them go through serious lack of autonomy in their own lives. And ho boy, did i get that up until the age of 18.

i mean hell, when fics have bucky asking for someone else to be in charge of choices for a bit? ha, why do you think i still told my dad exactly what i was doing even after he told me explicitly (and sincerely) i didnt have to tell him anything anymore since I was an adult?

hell, I didn’t really know what fucking style of clothes i actually liked besides jeans and a tshirt and that was cause its simple, hard to argue with and takes much less effort to pick out.

I mean, hell, hoodie for hiding your face? Or just to at least feel a bit isolated?

how many damn fics have i read in a night with that exact theme?

my mom didn’t give me any choices, and when i tried to make them, she punished me for it. And when that didnt work exactly as planned and i just started hiding it, she just lashed out harder.

I didn’t get autonomy for a while for multiple reasons, a major one being her. No wonder i relate to a fuckton of traumatized characters like that.

#personal #vent #sort of sparked by taking with my wife about stuff #but like holy fuck i Get the lack of autonomy i do #i have clawed it for myself with skin and teeth and somehow i manage to occasiona forget what it felt like #then i go reading a WS fic and remember why i relatw #not in a triggerdd way but more in the bared teeth you CANT take this from me way #good thing #could be a trauma thing but fuck it im here and myself

Shockingly not a vent but i am now married even if its not legally on paper - fuck the government honestly, lmao. We don’t need their permission or recognition to promise each other the rest of our lives :):):).

somehow i gotta come up with 2k for the hotel for next year and also somehow get q new car this month - mine is misfiring again. Pretty sure same issue as before, but its $200ish to fix and itll do the same damn thing in 50k miles.

Not great. Stressing bc i was thinking of taking a credit card out JUST for the hotel but i won’t get approved for a credit card and a new car loan. And i can’t ask for help with both.

Fingers crossed I can figure something out…I don’t want to lose the hotel room.

#personal #vent #and it doesnt help that im also dreading having a conversation with someone about said event the hotel is for #bc the same issues as the first year we all were at this thing happened AGAIN and I wasn’t around for most of it #and had to find out later that my fiancee basically was treated as an object for several days #and im not happy about it #the person doing it may or may mot realize how crappy they’re being but I don’t expect that conversation to go well

not gonna get too specific but the “head” of one of the local orgs around me for things is so deadset that anything but peaceful protests/demonstrations will only bring harm and it is SOOOOO frustrating to hear constantly. and this person is definitely someone who does not experience some of the stuff minorities face (of all kinds, like theres a Lot of privilege…) and for there to be such insistence that academia says that stuff that might remotely be considered “nonpeafegul” is going to cause failure is… infuriating. When we just had Stonewall’s anniversary. When there’s multiple people bringing up that MLK wasnt the ONLY person majorly active in the Civil Rights movement and that those aspects are very whitewashed.

Is anyone actual advocating for violence? No! But some of us are a bit sick and tired of hearing that these demonstrations will The Thing that saves us.

No. Marching, protests are good, but ultimately unless we manage to get them large enough and sustained to actually scare the people in charge… they’re good for morale, and a good place to built from but in America, we need more right now.

I’m not going to stop participating in the group and the protests but dammit if this doesn’t really frustrate me. I genuinely have been looking for groups that HAVE been planning for things like sit ins or other steps of disobedience (or have some experience!) because near as I can tell, this one isn’t and that means we might be behind if/when those do become necessary. Got connected with some other folks but this is just. Frustrating. Digging our heads in the sand isnt going to help us what so ever.

And then they get upset when a few of us DISCUSS NONVIOLENT METHODS BECAUSE IT COULD HINT TO IT.

Maddening.

#and lowkey? half of it is so we Don’t scare the newbies or whatever #like great! but quite frankly at this point if the discussions that have been had have made folks ’uncomforable’ then they really #need to sit and realize how fucking lucky they are thats the first time #because some of us have to think about the fact pride started as a fucking riot #and if we have another are they gonna abandon us for fighting back? bc like hell am i lettjng someone assault me

luxiomahariel

oh and also, trans women/fems should NOT be coining terms to describe the oppression that primarily trans men/mascs face. that is so incredibly fucking scummy on so many levels.

imagine i go "hm. actually, 'transmisogyny' is Bad and I Don't Like It so im going to decide on the word you should be using for yourselves because yall arent capable of meaningfully coming up with a word to describe your own oppression. i think 'transobjectification' is a better word for you all to use so stop using transmisogyny to describe your experiences now, thanks : ) "

that would be BEYOND disrespectful, it would be so extremely transmisogynistic of me to do that, so why is your coining of "transemasculation" not seen as RIGHTFULLY and DISGUSTINGLY transandrophobic.

AND THATS NOT EVEN MENTIONING HOW TRANS MEN/MASCS HAVE COINED SEVERAL TERMS TO TRY AND DISCUSS OUR OPPRESSION LIKE 'ISOMISOGYNY', 'TRANSMISANDRY', 'TRANSMASCPHOBIA', 'ANTI-TRANSMASCULINITY'. AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAS BEEN MET WITH THE SAME FUCKING RESPONSE. AT SOME POINT YOURE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO COME OUT AND SAY THAT YOU JUST DONT WANT US TO SPEAK ABOUT OUR OWN OPPRESSION AT ALL AND QUIT PLAYING THESE SHITTY SEMANTICS GAMES.

luxiomahariel

putting this out there as well actually because as soon as i typed out these words i realized just how fucked up that is, more so than i initially thought.

luxiomahariel

for the blocklist: taliabhattwrites

vaspider

I genuinely cannot think of anything that summarizes the apparent disgust for and ownership of transmasculine people's experiences that a person within our community can have more than "I made up my own term about something that I admittedly do not experience so that I can profit off of it personally/professionally in my writing & further establish myself as one of The Authorities On The Trans Experience, Even Parts That Specifically Do Not Apply To Me."

It really falls under "nobody asked you to be the bad example, babe, and yet here you are."

Does it make me a bad person for not wanting to forgive her and not wanting to reestablish a relationship even if she did become a completely new better person who wouldn't ever hurt me again? If she was truly apologetic and i knew for sure she understood the harm she caused, and was sincerely doing her best to make amends? Does it make me a bad person for NOT wanting to reconnect for her sake? Does it make me a bad person for knowing I probably won't ever be able to forgive her?

I dont want to forgive her, or at least i never will forget and i won't be able to let it go because it changed me so much. Does that make me a bad person? Its not fair to her if she did put in the work for me to keep holding that grudge but is it my responsibility at that point to work on that myself? Am i a bad person for not wanting to wait and see if she can? Am i a bad person for not wanting to give her another chance?

I don't care about her much anymore. She's a stranger to me. She's not the mother i thought was there. I wont ever be able to tell her i love her again. I dont want to hurt her but is that because of normal empathy or because im still scared of her? I don't even like her.

#personal #vent #abusive mother #abuse #like i dont even fucking know i just know ive been messed up ever since i agreed to have lunch with her there and got in the car after #and realized i was upset irritable paranoid #and hadnt eaten at all. sat on the couch for two hours just completely zoned out to just not fucking think #and then i realized after as i was working on an edit to get myself out of my head i only hot hungry after i had been home #and gotten closer to okay that i got hungry.#and realized that maybe not all of my hunger issues were just the pots or whatever #I'm wondering if they're tied to my trauma too and FUCK i hate this

queerautism

I think the accusations against forcemasc kink of "just being a copy" of forcefem are so fucking funny. Like this is just how kinks work. Sometimes people are like 'Oh that's neat, but I'm not quite fully into it' and then they make it their own taking whatever appeals to them about it + adding some new stuff, altering the theme, etc.

Sometimes that just results on someone's personal kink, and sometimes it resonates with lots of other people and becomes its own little niche kink community. There's literally nothing wrong with this process, and trying to gatekeep kink like this makes you sound absolutely ridiculous!

queerautism

catgirlforeskin

the criticism has never been against iteration or copying itself, it’s that there is a long-standing trend of (often but not always trans) guys seeing a specific form of (often but not always trans)misogynist fetishization and going “hey why do girls get this special thing, I want to be included” and making a “boy” version. You can see this with forcefem/“forcemasc,” bimbo/“himbo,” milf/“dilf,” tgirl/“tboy” et cetera, ad infinitum.

These are all categorizations that come from porn, and fundamentally come out of patriarchy, which is why every single time this has happened and will ever happen, it’s always a degrading, (trans)misogynist fetish against (trans) women that then gets sanitized for men to play with, without any of the baggage that made it exist in the first place, and is just a nice positive thing for men.

It’s ultimately not something that matters all that much, but it’s example one trillion of trans men standing on the shoulders of trans women and then condescending and scolding them if they ever have the nerve to complain

usefuljesbian

lets not forget this process ONLY happens once (trans) women have done the painful, socially dangerous work of reclaiming these terms and turning them into something empowering. once marginalized people do the work to revitalize a (linguistic) space, intersectionally less marginalized people move in and decontextualize it and push out the people who originally inhabited it until its a facile echo of the real, living, breathing organism it used to be. its the gentrification of a fetish.

velvetvexations

It's so strange to say forcemasc is pushing anyone out. Forcemasc is a very obscure, niche kink, while forcefem memes go viral literally every single day. Also, this is kinna weird to have to specify, but like, they're separate kinks????? How COULD it affect forcefem that way? That makes no sense. The problem can't be anything other than "forcemasc exists" because it's completely isolated to a small group of trans men and never breaks containment while forcefem is hyper popular.

This makes it all the more uncomfortable for people to bash it when they're just like, trying to do their kink and keeping it entirely to themselves? While people into forcefem are constantly making it a huge public thing that gets a million notes and is thrown on people's dashes untagged. Recently I saw a forcefem blog say that minors shouldn't follow because sometimes there'll be NSFW content, as though forcefem isn't even inherently a kink, which contributes to spreading it around without the bare minimum etiquette one normally expects of things like that. To say that forcemasc is in any way a threat to trans women enjoying and partaking in forcefem is just...weird.

I'm not even touching "less marginalized" because that's obviously bananas, but it does make me wonder how exactly trans women have the only right to reclaim something like forcefem. It seems like people assigned female, actually literally for real IRL forcefemmed, "coercively" as intersexist people like to say now, would have the right to flip the script.

thislousytshirt

MEN AND NON-WOMEN HAVE BEEN DOING FORCEFEM FOR FUCKING EONS INCLUDING TRANS MEN. THEY ARE ALREADY INCLUDED IN FORCEFEM. THEY ARE ALREADY DOING IT AND ENJOYING IT WITHOUT IT NEEDING TO BE SANITIZED OR RECLAIMED OR MADE EMPOWERING BY ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE GUESS WHAT PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT WOMEN EXPERIENCE FUCKING MISOGYNY

femmeandrogyny

Oh my gods, kinks and trans terminology do not operate like cultural appropriation. It is so normal for kinks and queer terminology to be borrowed and to build on each other. Trans men and mascs are not taking anything from trans women & fems let alone pushing them out of anywhere simply by using terms like tboy or being into kinks like forcemasc.

If you really want to get into cultural appropriation of queer terminology, how about how much white queer vocabulary by the 60s was originally from earlier black queer communities while not really allowing black queer people into white queer spaces unless they were sex workers?

Also, yeah, transmascs have been erased historically while transfems have been hyper-visible, so claiming no transmasc was into forcefem or used a term like tboy until "after" transfems did all this work to reclaim such things is participating in that erasure. I've been into feminization and forcefem for more than a decade.

eroticcannibal

I love the claim that it's "trans men saw us doing a thing and didn't feel included because it's for girls" and not "trans men saw a thing and had a related thought and went oh damn that's hot". Like no one is going around getting pissy that you arent sharing the kinks. They're just seeing shit and getting horny. And the "trans men scold us if we complain" yeah! Because you're complaining about us being horny! Shut up! It's litterally not a problem!

dappercyborg

Such a strange and convoluted thing to pretend to be upset about

genderkoolaid

Maybe one day people will get tired of seeing transmascs create some piece of culture for ourselves and immediately deciding it must be intrinsically evil because

a. if it's not inspired from anything else, it's cringe and stupid and problematic somehow

b. if it is inspired by something else, it's STEALING from WOMEN !!!!!!!!!! and also cringe and stupid

Like how many times do we have to go through this before y'all realize you just don't really like when trans men do things.

ughwhyislifelikethis

Seeing trans masc kinks being called ""gentrification of a fetish" in the same response that claims to be discussing things in respect to intersectionality was certainly something.

But yeah. That was ridiculous. "Standing on the shoulders of trans women?" And the earlier on the accusations of "man-splaing" out of nowhere?

The fuck.

#transandrophobia #someone needs to take man splaining and put it on the shelf im not kidding #several times ive been accused of it after realizing im trans #when i did the EXACT SAME THING before hand and was praised for adding extra context or whatever #I never assumed people dont know things it was always just adding context or whatever not assuming someone was stupid or wrong

low-key I'm wondering if when I move out if I should see if any thrift shops or stuff have secondhand wheelchairs. I think I would only need it for like, DragonCon, but idk. Maybe it would be useful other times too.

My cane was good and my braces were helpful but they weren't enough this year. I didn't do enough sitting either this year and I did sit last year. Idk, just thoughts.

#mobility aids #hypermobility spectrum disorder #hypermobility syndrome #hypermobile ehlers danlos #pots syndrome #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #idk just thoughts tbh

catmask

it is really weird what like. 4 years perspective on something you believed fully to your core will do

catmask

“yeah disappointment and heartbreak when plans or friends or romance doesnt work out hurt me too badly so now i just dont do that stuff or really hope for anything or get invested in anyone/anything anymore that way i can be surprised by nice happy things and bad stuff is just expected”

and my roommate at the time looked horrified and said “thats bad Bee??? thats so sad” and i didnt know what to say because id thought what i said was normal/a positive coping mechanism

catmask

btw this is, in my instance, the result of autistic burnout and childhood neglect. if you get so used to your needs and expectations not being met you learn to not have them because it is your only means of survival.

some people get angry and express their pain and are called ‘difficult’, some people shave themselves away until theres barely anything left and disappear to become ‘easier’. learning that disappearing to be easier on those around me was not kindness but, meaningless self destruction was a core part of learning how not to die.

#....dont @ me okay?#yeah i have finally worked through this #mostly. im no longer crushing hopes because of the fear of disappointment.#im no longer expecting the other shoe etc #some of it i think is also the antidepressants. theyre helping me not swing from pretty happy to extremely sad when i have shit not go rigjt #also the adhd meds but i think the antidepressants too

People should be allowed to think Taylor Swift's old music sounds better without being seen as evil for it.

#taylor swift critical #taylor swift criticism #taylor swift dislike

Lowkey I really hate that I tend to be right when I have a "something is wrong" niggle. Like. I just know something is off and I try and brush it off as paranoia or overreacting but usually I'm right.

I don't hate that I know so much as I just hate that bad things keep happening to people I care about, really.

#personal #tldr my partner is Going Through Some Shit and i *almost* texted to ask if they were okay bc something felt off. i just sent my normal one-#but she texted me back and answered it without me even asking.#its like having the ability to use the force but only for the Bad Event Prediction lol. not the best.

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