Ujung Kertas

brokenheart is a kind of beauty

[ujungkertas]

Semalam aku memimpikanmu. Setelah perpisahan kemarin, kamu hadir di bunga tidurku memenuhi imajinasiku akan perasaanmu padaku. Aku bermimpi melihatmu menangis, tersedu sembari menyatakan cinta padaku. Tapi tidak ada kata kembali yang kau tawarkan. Mungkin memang aku hanya ingin mendengarmu mengatakan cinta. Sesuatu yang selalu aku pinta. Tapi aku sadar diri. Ini adalah bunga tidurku, hasrat terdalam yang kupunya. Maka kusimpan dalam dalam saja. Mereka bilang luka basah jangan sering disentuh jika ingin sembuh. Kusimpan jemariku. Kubiarkan gatal merayap rayap di sekitar lukaku. Semoga cintaku padamu segera lenyap, semoga lukaku segera menjadi kurap

[ujungkertas]

Sakit banget sumpah

[ujungkertas]

Aku bisa mengenali sikapmu yang tidak ingin bertemu denganku. Tapi aku tau kamu tidak akan tega mengatakannya, dan aku belum rela kamu pergi jika tau bahwa aku menyadari isi hatimu. Maka aku akan bersikap sebagaimana wanita, merelakan kamu pergi pelan pelan sementara aku yang menunggui kamar. Nanti saat kamu sudah cukup jauh pergi, aku akan mengunci kamar ini, menaruh kuncinya dibawah keset. Siapa tau kamu rindu dan berniat menjenguk kamar kosong ini, kamu tau dimana kuncinya.

[kurniawangunadi]

Maafkanlah Dirimu Sendiri

Maafkanlah dirimu sendiri, jika keputusanmu di masa lalu mengantarkanmu pada luka-luka yang kamu miliki saat ini.

Maafkanlah dirimu sendiri, jika pilihanmu di masa lalu adalah pilihan yang membuatmu terjebak dalam ketidakbahagiaan.

Maafkanlah dirimu sendiri, jika kepercayaanmu pada seseorang telah berubah menjadi pengkhianatan, karena keputusanmu untuk percaya kepadanya adalah hal yang membuatmu sangat terluka.

Maafkanlah dirimu sendiri, atas hal-hal yang kamu lakukan sehingga membuat hidupmu seolah-olah tak ada pilihan lain selain melawan atau bertahan. 

Maafkanlah dirimu sendiri, jika apa yang kamu jalani menjadi beban bagi orang yang kamu sayangi.

Maafkanlah dirimu sendiri, jika saat ini tidak bisa membuat pilihan karena ketakutan. 

Maafkanlah dirimu sendiri.

Maafkanlah dirimu sendiri, beri maaf pada dirimu sendiri. ©kurniawangunadi

[ujungkertas]

It hurts actually, everytime i talk to u while theres no closure for our last conflic but u decided to brush it off anyway

[ujungkertas]

Im gonna manifesting something i deserved

I will marry and live together with a man who a compatible with me and love only me, and he will give me comfort and peace, and have the same vision and mision in a marriage life

[ujungkertas]

Slowly, looks like i accepting my fate, even for the worse. Maybe they'll say it's my karma, maybe they'll shympatize with me. Whatever they say, the fate will still fall upon me. God, whether it's punishment or safety net You prepared for me, i dont have a choice except gratefully accept it, right? So please strengthen me to embrace the life You have given me.

[ujungkertas]

Maybe, just maybe, i'll end up hating on sweet-happy-ending fairytales coz i feel like im not gonna have -even a little bit of- those. My stories mayybe will likely a bitter-sour-hanging phrase. Im not special enough for someone, all lovey dovey stories are sooo beyond my reality 🥲

[ujungkertas]

Menjadi Dewasa / To Be Adult

Saya merasa ada titik tertentu yang menjadi titik tumpu kapan saya harus jadi "dewasa". Saya tumbuh bersama 2 abang yg terpaut 7 dan 9 tahun. I watched them grow. And i realized there is a certain point they didn't act carefree anymore, after they graduating from college. When they searched for and started to works, they changes. Their expression, their posture toward problems, at that time i just knew the knew something i didn't. And i can guessing it must be related to the "real world" matter. Yeah when i was child, i read much book and watch tv shows for grownups. I realized i still lived comfortably in my parent's protection, in my cave, my cradle, my house. The real world outside are harsh and merciless. I believe that.

In my teens until i reach 19, i had awareness that i didn't bear any burden. I enjoyed my life being carefree and burdenless. I never did any mistakes that can harm my future, cause i knew it is something precious to have a clean background.

In my 21st untill 24, i started to worry. My playtime almost ended. I knew when i reach 25 i had to go for a job and become adult.

Now im 25, 26 in 4 months. I got the job i wanted. And i am wondering, how to let my child soul go. I want to keep it, for it becomes my shield for a long time. The naive and innocent side i never really have because i know stuff at a little bit too young ages. I found serene in my child-formed shell. I can endure the pain with this.

Wise man says kedewasaan tidak diukur oleh usia

But

I know the society will never care about our trauma or issue, they will asks you to be adult, to be a proper grown up at certain age. And will criticize you for keeping your innerchild.

So here i am. Being a 25 years old woman who overthingking about how to be an adult. I still didn't get the answers but i made it into this. I hope it can help clearing my worries.

Amen.

[ujungkertas]

How I wish we never met cause you're too hard to forget

[ujungkertas]

I think it's not healthy, really. Thinking of you every night

then cried

It's not like I don't want to lose you. It's just so many things from us I came to regret

I think i could do more. I think i could grew more. I just need time much longer

But thats the one thing u couldn't give me to

I run off your time. You run off patient, and run off your faith

I found myself broken into three : my heart, my head, and my pride. Can someone just crack the last one? It's my thing.

Pride support me all the time when there's no one strengthen me. I strengthen myself, with pride. Even if I lose, I still win in my own game

Even if a bullet shot through me, I would die peacefully

I wish I had my life lively. But you didn't gimme a chance to be the best I could be. And give me regret so dearly. Something I can mourn painfully

Wise man said I could take a lesson from you. Guess what I got?

A f*ck*ng empty

#ujungkertas

[ujungkertas]

Semoga

Meski kamu mengakhiri kita dengan luka, doaku tetap sama

Semoga

Tujuanmu tercapai, citamu tergapai... dan dengan siapapun kamu berjuang, sendiri atau bersama,

semoga tak ada yang kecewa. Semoga tak ada waktu terbuang percuma

Semoga

Aku masih ada rezeki melihatmu merengkuh mimpi. Demi aku yang setidaknya pernah turut menyertai. Meski bukan aku lagi yang membersamai.

untuk Andi

[ujungkertas]

Rant

I hope im okay. Whatever happens out there, i hope i'll be resilient. I hope whatever kind of lemons life will give me, ill be strong enough to sip it, to go through it. I just need to be strong for myself. I keep remind myself that i just need to be happy at the end of the day. Dont cares at how horrible i saw myself, i need to believe i deserves better. I deserve love. And if no one do it for me, i do it myself. To be prettier for myself, to be kinder for myself, to be more vicious for defend myself, to be more happy for myself. I started to lose definition of who i am, because it didn't help become happier. So i stopped define it. I just gonna stop listen to my 'normality', maybe i should start listen to what i curious about. Maybe i should start get rid of everything i think hold me back, includes people. What if i start live alone, and doing whatever i want? Am i gonna get what im searching for? Am i gonna get happiness so much that i wanted? If not, then what else?

[ujungkertas]

Dreaming

Our time flies so fast like it was a dream. We were together and everything's firm. And just like the other dreams, the blue sky turned into the grim.

No matter how hard i tried to reach, seems like you are the hitch. I woke up from such a sweetdream, and the sun feels dim.

Get myself the blanket to cameback, but i lost your track. Then I realized all this time it was supposed to be a nightmare. You must came to scare, but I enjoyed your glare.

How could i deal with these blame and shame? While you walked away, I'm still waiting at the bay.

[ujungkertas]

Crying in Jogja hits different. Feels like it would lasts forever

[ujungkertas]

Kita terus menuliskan dan membaca kisah cinta yang tragis dan ironis karena mereka memberikan rasa sakit pada hati kita yang terlanjur mati rasa.

Seperti zombie di Warm Bodies yang terus mencari apa yang tidak bisa dia rasakan lagi. Dia mencari di tempat lain akan ingatan dan perasaan yang tak ada lagi di dirinya, namun pernah ada dan telah lama tiada

Kita terjebak dalam kisah-kisah fiksi yang tak kalah keji dari kenyataan. Kisahnya hanya karangan, namun imajinasi kita akan menghidupkannya, menjadikannya sumber rasa sakit yang dapat kita relakan pergi ketika jari mencapai halaman terakhir.

[ujungkertas]

After swallowing and tasting how bitter the truth is, a white lies seems to be the remedy