Mr. 'corn

[ultramegasparkles]

eeewww 2020

There’s going to be a point in time when we’re going to look back at 2020 and think, “well, that wasn’t fun” (2020 is basically that kid whose Dad caught him jacking off to family photos on his Office Laptop). It’s interesting to see how the world has reacted to this whole shit show. The US has followed the Hollywood horror movie approach. (Get the guns, stock up on toilet paper (the rest of the world decided that we’ll go ahead and wipe our hands to not catch the Corono virus and they misheard it as wipe your ass to not get Corono) and last but not least blame the Chinese (it used to be the Russians, but looks like they have been slacking). We on the other hand have decided to go the Bollywood route. (Lousy script with no clue where were headed, a song and colours whenever shit gets too serious and my personal favourites monologues and item numbers when someone starts to question the plot. Unfortunately, they used up all the pyro and explosions in the starting credits so we haven’t had any action scenes). It makes perfect sense to go with movies. After all they seem to have the closest ‘real-life’ experience as far as all of this is concerned. (Idiocracy is another movie that everyone needs to check out. It’s basically about what’s happening right now). Looks like the entire world has looked up to the movies/series for some inspiration in these trying times. (At this point I look at Netflix like Tom Hanks used to look at Wilson (not in a sexual way……yet. (You know Tom Hanks did it with Wilson right? Don’t pretend you didn’t know that or that they were just ‘friends’)).

I do feel that some genetically modified Dinosaurs, Robots maybe or even some fuckin’ Zombies would have been kinda cool though, instead of this shit. It kinda feels lame that a virus from a flying rat got us. Maybe all this talk of an engineered virus is a way to mask our inadequacies and a way to just feel ‘cool’ (I guess this is Karmic justice for trying out all those lipsticks and mind games on them. It was just a matter of time before the rats got back at us. Hasn’t Terminator and Planet of the Apes taught us anything). I would like to put it out there that if this truly is the end of the world, the man (you know it’s going to be a man, where else do we get such crazy bullshit. Go read the origins of any of the hierarchical societies) who records our history blame it on the modified Dinos. Let the next generation atleast have a cool origin story (and please for the love of God, go easy on the commandments this time around).

[ultramegasparkles]

El Torito

How in the hell is having ‘big balls’ the standard of courage? Balls are like the universal Achilles heel (I’m pretty sure a nut shot to Achilles would have been enough, instead of all that drama about stabbing him in the heel). Having big balls make you infinitely more vulnerable, it’s like running around naked, painted in red during a bull fight (Isn’t a bull fight supposed to have two bulls wrestling each other like the WWE. I would pay top dollars for that. Imagine the bulls with the fancy entrances and fireworks. They could even have cool finishers and ring names. The El Torito, The Brahma Bull). Maybe it’s like a reverse logic, in spite of having such big balls he is so courageous but this just seems like a colossal swerve. Kinda like calling a tomato a fruit. Why? Everyone uses it like a vegetable might as well as call it a vegetable (In the immortal words of Johnnie Cochran: “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”). If you aren’t gonna eat it like a fruit, then it ain’t a fruit. It’s not like there’s a shortage of fruits out there. We’ve sure got some wild fruits out there (and some of these have the coolest names: Dragon fruit, Screw Pine (that’s just lazy writing. So, can a kid technically eat this or do they have to wait till they are 18? Also, if they are wearing a chastity ring should they be allowed to eat this?), Durian (wait a second isn’t that the 80s band?) and best of all Snakeskin Fruit (Like who in the hell was in charge of naming this fruit? Just imagine, you have discovered this fruit and now you get to name it. All you can think of is SNAKESKIN FRUIT!!! Cummon, what were you busy doing while naming this thing, that you came up with such a lazy name? Did they catch you while you were masturbating or something?)). Friendship is just reciprocal altruism. Interesting thought but looking back at all my friendships throughout the years, I don’t really agree with this. Mainly because most of my friends were losers (some still are. Feels real good to hangout with them though. Maybe that’s it. There is really no judgement or sense of superiority amongst a bunch of losers. I think it’s more a sense of comfort and familiarity, that is really the mutually beneficial aspect of all my friendships). Well then, if that is the case, who is the alpha of the group you may ask. Does it really matter? What you are essentially talking about is an Alpha Loser! Why do you want one and does that designation really count for anything? (That’s like mentioning that you got first place in the kindergarten potato sack race, on your CV. You would be surprised on how many people do that. It’s not enough that they are losers, they want to announce it to the world as well. You should fear such people, since nothing really scares them. After all you have only gazed at the river of humiliation from the shores, but these people have their daily baths in them).

[ultramegasparkles]

Jesus Crackers

How many Jesus crackers do you have to eat before you are the holiest one around? (I mean obviously, there’s always someone better than you out there or in this case holier than you but still it would be nice to know. Also, while were here, do they expire? Like do they have a best before date?). I think it’s a nice thing. We need more holy food. Most religions have a list of stuff you can’t eat but I think there should be a list of stuff you should eat. Like those travel lists or Buzz-feed lists of 10 foodstuffs to eat before you die (10 foodstuffs to eat before you become a member of our Religion). Unfortunately, people always talk about stuff you can’t do or shouldn’t do. That is such a negative attitude to have in life. That is like putting limitations on life, which I think totally makes no sense (I can understand if the foodstuff in question smelled bad or tasted horrible, otherwise it just seems like a huge conspiracy. Maybe the people who came up with these rules liked said items far too much and didn’t want to share. Cause, “you should not eat this cause it’s against the religion” sounds like something I would come up with so as not to share my food. You should not eat the last piece of KFC cause it’s against the word of God). There should never be any constraints to what you can do. If you want to put every sauce that Subway has on your Foot-long, then you should do it. Sure, those Subway employees will give you the dirty look but that’s on them. (who are they to tell you how saucy your foot-long should be?) Society may judge you but screw that. Life’s all about living it to the fullest. You’re not special just cause you didn’t mix the mint mayo and barbecue sauce on your sub. You, Sir, are just a pussy. I say no more to living by society’s arbitrary rules and being concerned about what the society thinks of you (You know you are a loser, what does it matter if the society thinks so too. Embrace it, own it. Be proud to be a loser. Who says everyone needs to be a winner in life? It’s just this ridiculously high standard that the society has set for people. The only important thing is to make sure you surround yourself with other losers, preferably bigger losers than you. That way you can have a pyramid of losers and everyone knows that pyramids are a good thing). Success changes you, haven’t you heard the term that success gets into your head? That’s apparently a real thing. Bunch of ppl at MIT (Oh yeah! Indian parent’s boner alert) did some experiments with monkeys and came to the conclusion that the brain can rewire itself in response to experience and does so when we get a reward. Failure has no impact. I think that’s a great thing since when you fail your brain doesn’t store anything and doesn’t change unlike with success. Why would anyone want the burden of memories?  

[ultramegasparkles]

Ketchup Wars

What’s the greatest condiment ever in the history of mankind? (If anyone says ketchup, I’m going to throw up down your throat like a Momma bird feeding her kids. Ketchup is just liquid tomato, how lazy is that!). Why does this question matter you ask? That’s cause it goes a long way to tell you what kind of a person you are. It talks about your character. Think about it. Are you the kind that puts ketchup on everything (including Pasta, I’m pretty sure the Italian mafia would put out a hit on you) or you like mayo with everything (you need to see a psychiatrist if you insist on having creamy white goo all over your food, every single time. It’s fine if it’s just sometimes, I guess) or maybe you are one of those monsters who don’t like a condiment (what a sad life you must have. You must be dead on the inside, like the kid who scored a 100% in the 12th Boards). For me personally it has to be garlic mayo (with the garlic flavour so strong that my fart could kill the entire Twilight series, not just Edward) or else mustard (I don’t have anything snarky here). Now, one would argue on how much garlic mayo is acceptable and on what it is acceptable (you can’t put garlic mayo on Maggi, no strike that I think you can but you can’t put in on a Dosa). It’s all about the balance, the yin and yang of it (see, I told you condiments were important). Do you think animals think about condiments when they eat? Like a lion walking into his home (I don’t know where they stay, The Lion King wasn’t very clear about the housing arrangements) for dinner would go “Goddamn, this deer is so dry, I wish I had some ketchup (its acceptable in this instance) with it” (obviously the lion wouldn’t since there is no ketchup in the jungle). You see that, that’s what makes us humans, the condiments. Those little jars of colourful ooze, they are the pinnacle of human civilization and ingenuity. Can a T-Rex squat or a better question will be, does a T-Rex squat? As a long-standing member of the gym, I know how important leg day is and how often people overlook this. It might be okay for the average joe to have chicken legs but for a T-Rex! That’s a death sentence. Do you think a T-Rex would be so menacing if it had skinny legs? Do you think the other dinos down at Jurassic Park would respect the T-Rex? Do you know what’s the first thing people notice about you? Your shoes. You think that’s the only thing that they notice? Obviously not, they check out your legs. By that logic even dinos check out each other’s legs. Imagine looking at a T-Rex and seeing the leg of a Victoria’s secrets model. That shit don’t fly with a name which means King of the Tyrant Lizards. That would be like complimenting the Rock’s ass (which I think more people should do, I’m pretty sure he has a great ass. Also, his name is the Rock, how do you not compliment his ass!!)

[ultramegasparkles]

Stabby Horse

I’m usually all for the rules and regulations that govern a society but there are moments when I believe we should just forget these rules. Sometimes when certain people speak, you just want to grab the nearest thing around and whack them across the head. I don’t mean those highly charged discussions (yeah right) that the political pundits have while spreading their pearls of wisdom (pearls of wisdom sounds dirty, kinda like fruits of my loins, are you going to look me in the eye and tell me with a straight face, that whoever wrote that didn’t see the chance for a sex joke and just take it) or the philosophical and theological discussions that people engage in. What I’m talking about is the run of the mill discussions and gossip you deal in (judge me all you want but I’m a sucker for gossip, #Dramaforlife). Sometimes you come across someone who tells something so intensely stupid that you wish you were living in a time when clubbing someone over the head was acceptable. I know what most of you are thinking, why stop at whacking someone who tells inappropriate stuff, why not whack more people while we are it. I totally agree, there’s certainly no legal limitation on the number of people you can whack nor should you ever discriminate on who you decide to whack. On that note there’s no acceptable form of discrimination, except against people who kiss their pets on the mouth (if you wanted to taste your cat’s butthole might as well lick it, why go the long way? it’s not like that’s making it any less weird) or the people who checks themselves in on Facebook each time they step out of their homes (pretty certain that Facebook already knows, you don’t need to go to the trouble). I don’t understand why people use Facebook, I know why I use it (as my personal birthday reminder) but besides that, what possible use could you have for Facebook (don’t tell me Candy Crush, we have managed to successfully eradicate that, like the measles. But yeah anti-vaxxers are bringing it back like the denim on denim look. People forget so fast). I prefer Instagram, granted you have to traverse through a ton of annoying baby pics (I said it. They are babies not cats to dress up and post pics of) but atleast you get access to all of memes and Doggo clips. In my book that’s a small price to pay (for all those who are curious I do have a book called “The price is right” where I have managed to weigh off between the pros and cons of a decision and decide on whether you do it or not. Like eating a Margherita pizza if you are lactose intolerant. Should you do it? Hell yeah! What’s the worst thing that happens? Explosive diarrhea for a few hours? That’s an acceptable prize to pay for eating a nice Margherita pizza or do you pet a dog you meet on the street? What’s the worst thing that could happen? The dog might bite you. The dog’s owner might bite you. Is it worth the risk? I don’t know, that’s for you to decide (surprisingly a lot of the decisions are pretty neutral). The point is everyone needs to have a list). If I ever got a pet, I would get a unicorn. Now I know what everyone’s thinking, this guy’s nuts. Unicorn’s aren’t real. No, you aren’t real. If Unicorns aren’t real how come they are Scotland’s national animal? Answer me that. Besides they would so much better than a scratchy cat (it would a tough one between a Unicorn and a Tiger, just saw Tiger King and it was awesome). You know why, cause a cat would scratch you or would pee all over you. You know who doesn’t scratch you or pee on you, a Unicorn (they might impale you though, didn’t really consider that possibility. I’m not sure if they would pee on you and if they do is that a bad thing, maybe it’s magical pee and might make your skin shine like Edward Cullen. Wow! What if the vampires in Twilight shine cause they shower in Unicorn pee? Kinky! I think I have a million-dollar idea here (common, if Fifty shades of Grey can do it so can I. I’m sure I can make a children’s movie, it’ll even have a song, ‘pee on meeee’)).

[ultramegasparkles]

Pho-ck it

Not many people have asked me to start a blog hell even I hadn’t given it much thought until I started writing this. But recently a friend of mine had put this idea in my head and the more I thought about it I figured what better time to write than when the whole world is ending (goddamn Mayans! with their terrible math). I thought I’d start by talking about myself. I had what you would call a pretty uneventful childhood, you could even call it boring. A working dad, a mom who is a housewife and a kid sister. The most common theme throughout my life has been the monotony of it. There has been a lot of changes throughout my life but nothing so insane that it bears mentioning and I believe this is what that has been fuelling me. I took to reading from a fairly young age, it is something that I picked up from my Mom and I suppose even my Dad (definitely a different kind of reading; Textbooks, he is a big nerd). While the origins are pretty clear the reason as to why I continued the habit has evolved along the way. I always had a vivid imagination (you could mention any scenario, the more ludicrous the better and I could picture it in my head. A surprisingly handy (wink* wink* or was it wank) skill when you don’t have access to porn). The more I read the more I started to imagine that I was in those stories, their stories became my stories. Growing up the very first dream that I had was of being someone famous, having a life that matters, having a story worth telling. I guess I always had this idea that I had to be remembered well after I’m dead. As a kid I had this dream that I would get a Noble prize and probably have an equation with my name on it (growing up with my Dad it was a pretty nerdy life, besides it’s way easier to blame him for growing up a nerd than questioning your life choices). Anytime I read a formula in the textbooks there was a begrudging sense of admiration and a fascination towards what these men & women might have done to have reached the pinnacle of human achievement. This thought kept me going for a long time, at least well into college. In college I wanted to be the guy that everyone knew but this contradicted my status as an introvert. There was a part of me that craved attention but an equally painful and at times awkward part of me that just couldn’t handle any. Two situations that I find extremely challenging to handle is how to react when someone tells me they’ve lost a loved one or when someone compliments me. I like to believe that I kind of handle the former situation better (I guess blushing looks cute on certain people while all I look like is a flustered sun-dried tomato). Any-who the point that I am trying to make is that I’ve always been fascinated by stories and believe that everyone needs to lead a life that is worth telling. I have always strived to be the person who has the best stories at the table, the one who can be a part of any conversation effortlessly, the one who can entertain everyone. You could say it’s a sort of life philosophy. Obviously, just like anything nice in life there are a couple of hurdles to this, the main one being that I get bored easily and also the fact that I suffer from extreme motion sickness (I know most people don’t think it’s a real thing to suffer from kinda like having a peanut allergy). Anytime I've had to travel I have suffered from legit anxiety attacks, this usually manifests in the form of an upset tummy (I’ve heard  that people release their bowels when they are about to die so by that logic I die a little every time when I have to travel). But I have largely managed to overcome this issue by way of reading about stuff and places. I know It’s like using cheat codes but sometimes in life you just need to use them. You don’t need to learn life the hard way or do things the hard way. Ironically, I learned this lesson the hard way. I know the world has a way of vilifying it and making you feel guilty for it but If there’s an easier way to get something done just go for it. Fuck the world. We don’t owe it shit. I’m not exactly sure what I was ranting on about before I got side-tracked by my rant about the world and how unfair life is (that’s a story for a different time). Before I end this rant, I would love to leave you with a quote that has had a profound effect on my life. It’s not so much of a quote as it’s a song lyric (I’m pretty sure that if someone had written this a thousand years back it would definitely be quoted in the bestselling book of all time):

'Cause baby you're a firework Come on show 'em what your worth Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" As you shoot across the sky-y-y

So treat your life like a firework and don’t say no (try to reduce it, maybe to like 3 no’s a day) to trying out something new (except for any drug that involves needles and shady butt stuff and also Pho, cause that’s just fancy left over water and that sucks).