Ossifrage @umbrellalery - Tumblr Blog

Reblog to breed a mutual or have them breed you

Honestly? Honestly the idea of Ilya Rozanov sitting himself down at twelve years old and saying I have GOT to get out of this country. It killed my mother. It's going to kill me. And then growing up a little bit and realizing some Things about himself and saying I have GOT to get out of this country. I have tried and tried and for some reason people keep Knowing What I Am. Ilya, young bisexual man with an apparently pretty clocky affect to his speaking voice. A strong young man with a natural and lovely flamboyance in him, a sweetness he tries to smother and the ability to play hockey like it was bestowed upon him by GOD. I've GOT to get out of here, he thinks to himself. And then he leaves (but not really) does some more growing up and he falls in love only he can't let himself be in love because the lead weight of this country is still tied to him and he thinks I have GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. Then his father dies and the man he loves says "Come with me" and Ilya says I am NEVER going back!! I will wear my mother's cross and I will think of her every day and she will forgive me for never visiting her grave because her beautiful boy got OUT. I will go to a place where I am loved by a man A MAN who I love more than I ever thought I was allowed. Who holds my face and my hands and my heart. I will find a home for myself in his arms. I will never go fucking back.

flodaya

everything coming full circle (2/∞)

littlegirlinvisible

HEATED RIVALRY 1.06: THE COTTAGE + HRTwT VERSION

homoquartz

i’ve warmed up significantly towards the concept of small talk ever since i learned that its sole purpose is to make friendly noises.

as long as you smile and nod, people are satisfied. it’s just to show that you are nice and there with good intentions. we’re small in a big world and have to rely on other people to be decent to us. so we do our little human dance to each other to say, “i’m not here to hurt you. here’s something we have in common, like the weather or sports or itchy sweaters, so we both know we’re on the same team. we both agree on a basic fact, like that it is rainy or that being itchy is uncomfortable, and this proves we can get along. i’m being light-hearted and non-threatening right now.”

small talk isn’t to get to know a person. it’s just a greeting to affirm you’re buddies in the universe.

i am motivated by wanting the other person to know i am friendly, so i have gotten pretty decent at small talk when i used to hate it.

waitingforthet

My first Baldur’s Gate 3 run, up to a certain point. I have more but this seems pretty long, I’ll post the rest later.

waitingforthet

And that’s as far as I got before I succumbed to the temptation to make more characters.

animentality

fox-moblin

Wouldn’t leave my mind sorry

thefingerfuckingfemalefury

THIS IS NOT OKAY HOW DARE YOU

the-qalankhais-sweetheart

I have trauma from watching my grandparents die from dementia. Any mention is usually too triggering for me.

I still had to reblog. This is phenomenal.

Well done 🥹

elliotelli

So, even in a different life,

you still would've been mine

We would've been timeless.

elliotelli

What kind of stupid question is that?

elliotelli

YOU WHAT?!

car-insurance-memes

The other day I was taking a call from a gentleman who’d gotten rear-ended and it was clear he was on speakerphone because I could hear everything around him. Most prominent in the background though were a bunch of noises that were familiar to me.

Me: sir... are you playing Breath of the Wild?

Guy: oh, can you hear that? I’m sorry, my son is.

Me: oh no, it’s not a problem! I love that game!

(beat)

Me: sounds like he’s having trouble finding that shrine though.

Boy (from further away): I dunno where it is!

Turned out to be the stupid one on the mountain that you gotta slide down a little to find. Kiddo thought it was soooo cool that the grownup Insurance Lady played games too 😭😭😭

Definitely on my list of wholesome calls.

romanceyourdemons

first day as a second century warlord i have my men tie branches to their horses’ tails to stir up dust and make it look like there’s a lot of us but i forget it just rained so there isn’t any dust and the enemy can clearly see there’s like twenty of us all spread out in a line

romanceyourdemons

second day as a second century warlord i bribe a bunch of kids to start singing a nursery rhyme i carefully crafted to spread misinformation and further my strategic ends but they change the lyrics to be about poop and the enemy isn’t misdirected at all

romanceyourdemons

third day as a second century warlord i lure my enemy into a narrow valley and send a team of archers to shoot them from the high ground but there was a feral hog napping on the trail up to the overlook and they couldn’t decide whether to try and shoot it or just go around and by the time the hog woke up and left on its own the enemy had already passed safely below

romanceyourdemons

fourth day as a second century warlord we attempt to join a battle on the side of the guy we want to ally with but he and the guy he’s fighting have really similar names and it’s finally dusty and i misread the standards and attack the wrong guy. so now we’re stuck with this total loser of a liege lord, because how the fuck do you explain that after a battle?

romanceyourdemons

fifth day as a second century warlord and some sort of wizard wanders into camp, my loser liege lord wants to execute him for being a wizard but i convince him to let the wizard stay, because i want to do more weather-based strategies and i’m pretty sure having a camp wizard can help with that. after the welcome to the team banquet the wizard steals half the treasury and my liege lord’s wife and leaves

romanceyourdemons

sixth day as a second century warlord my loser liege lord sends me to reinforce a city he’s taken, but in the confusion of leaving i forgot to take the token that would have gotten us into the city, so my men have to wait outside the city walls for like eight hours while i ride back to get it

romanceyourdemons

seventh day as a second century warlord and my loser liege lord finally joins me in the city, it turns out he’s actually a pretty cool guy, and he isn’t even that mad at me for letting the wizard steal his wife. i decide to shoot my shot but i’m really nervous and keep on stalling because what if i mess up our relationship and by extension jeopardize the security of my men, and eventually he just says goodnight and goes back to his room, where an assassin is in the process of setting up to kill him

romanceyourdemons

eighth day as a second century warlord and my loser liege lord tells me to fake defect to his rival warlord, the one i originally wanted to ally with, to find out if he was the one who sent the assassin and why. but my whole way over to the rival warlord i’m worried that this has something to do with the wizard thing or how awkward i made it last night

romanceyourdemons

ninth day as a second century warlord i try to tactfully ask my fake liege lord if he sent the assassin to kill my loser liege lord and it turns out the idea of using assassins never occurred to him, but now that i’ve suggested it he’s really into it. in order to save my loser liege lord i volunteer to be the one to kill him

romanceyourdemons

tenth day as a second century warlord on my way back to my loser liege lord’s city i realize i won’t be able to collect my men from my fake liege lord until i bring back my loser liege lord’s head. this would have been a great thing to think of before i got myself in this situation. i go back to my loser liege lord and ask him to rescue my men, and he tells me that if he could sack my fake liege lord’s camp he already would have. that doesn’t change the fact that my men are still trapped. they’re prisoners, even. i go back to my room to sulk

romanceyourdemons

eleventh day as a second century warlord i find a little caged pigeon in the rafters of my loser liege lord’s room and deduce it belonged to the assassin. without asking permission or telling my loser liege lord goodbye i let the pigeon loose and follow it north. don’t ask what i was doing in my loser liege lord’s room. it’s not important

romanceyourdemons

twelfth day as a second century warlord i disguise myself as a wizard and enter the camp of the coalition leader the pigeon led me to. in the middle of my little sleight of hand performance i make eye contact with the coalition leader’s second-in-command. IT’S THE WIZARD THAT STOLE MY LOSER LIEGE LORD’S WIFE. after the banquet i corner the fake wizard and ask him what the fuck is going on and he just says “wouldn’t you like to know” and leaves. i don’t know what to say to that so i just let him go

romanceyourdemons

thirteenth day as a second century warlord i’m honestly so sick of not knowing what’s going on, so i adjust my wizard costume to passably disguise myself as a woman and break into the women’s area of the camp, where sure enough my loser liege lord’s wife is. i ask her what she’s doing here and she tells me the fake wizard overheard her singing a poem she overheard on the street, not knowing it contains the coalition leader’s formation’s weaknesses. the fake wizard kidnapped her and assigned an assassin to kill her husband before they figured out the poem’s significance. she shares the first couplet with me but i’m discovered and thrown out before she can share any more. she doesn’t need to. through a bizarre coincidence of homophones, it’s the poop version of my misinformation nursery rhyme

romanceyourdemons

fourteenth day as a second century warlord i go back to my loser liege lord and tell him everything, urging him to join with my fake liege lord to attack the coalition leader according to the weaknesses in the nursery rhyme. he tells me frankly that he doesn’t trust me anymore. i ask him to execute me if that’s really true, because i can’t bear to live if i can’t protect him and i can’t protect my men. he agrees to attack the coalition leader

romanceyourdemons

fifteenth day as a second century warlord. due to the information in the nursery rhyme, and thanks to my loser liege lord reminding me of the weather conditions multiple times while planning our battle strategy, our alliance carries the day. my loser liege lord gets his wife back. my men tell me that our fake liege lord actually treated them really well and they’d like to stay with him if i don’t mind. i do mind, now that neither the men i love nor the man i love have any use for me, but i don’t tell them that

romanceyourdemons

sixteenth day as a second century warlord i’m preparing to leave to i don’t know where, maybe to try to become a wizard for real, when my loser liege lord stops me and asks me where i’m going. he says he had hoped i would continue to work as his advisor. i was unaware i was his advisor in the first place. i agree, and he tells me he’s truly honored to have me in his service at last. he has known i am a rare and talented man with a strategic intelligence far above his ever since the day he witnessed me tying branches to my horses’ tails in six inches of mud, and could not for the life of him figure out why

centrally-unplanned

Starving to death this morning because ive been to the new local cafe twice this week already and if i go a third time ill look desperate.

centrally-unplanned

Me: I like the goods and/or services you offer in exchange for my money

The cafe, in my head: lmao cringe, kill yrself buddy

centrally-unplanned

The endlessly wailing siren of my social anxiety issues is probably not going to be silenced by the people in the comments pointing out that being a regular at a restaurant is a normal thing for people to be, but I do zero-sarcasm appreciate the attempt, is very kind!

rustingbridges

I used to walk into [redacted nonpizza store] in my area and the guy behind the counter would immediately ask me if I wanted a pizza. truly I experienced the mortifying ordeal of being known as the pizza guy

compared to that being a regular at a normal cafe ordering normal breakfast items would be a real relief

centrally-unplanned

Literally dread this scenario, to have your identity *reduced down* to a single item order, to be known as such a plebian with such a restricted palette that your order can be charted in advance, oh widdle ash wants his chicken tendies uwu.

I agree having a set breakfast order is more socially acceptable than a set pizza order. But its not enough; its never enough.

Though life update: i did just go to the cafe in the end. I compromised with my anxiety by ordering a sandwich instead of my typical bagel. It was fine but not as good.

athingbynatureprodigal

on the flipside, we went to the same place for brunch a couple years, one time my buddy orders something new, and while he’s eating five different members of the wait staff stopped by to be like “did they bring you the wrong thing?”

centrally-unplanned

This thread needs a trigger warning keep the horror stories coming

zoobus

There was a bakeshop near my house that made soft ginger cookies and and macarons but only 2-3 good flavors. I walked in once and the cashier (who I definitely didn’t recognize) said “let me guess - ginger cookies and cookies-n-cream macarons, right?”

Needless to say, I never returned.

ranma-official

I once went to a McDonald’s, the cashier said “big mac combo meal and a chicken burger, right?” and I said “yeah” and then didn’t come back for two years

eikotheblue

This entire genre of concern so fascinatingly foreign to me! the cafeteria pizza guy knows I want 3 slices of whatever veggie pizza he has, and he will have them ready for me without me having to say anything besides a quick murmured thanks, and he smiles when he sees me and starts to grab them, and it feels so good! to be known, even a little bit, to be a small constant in someone else’s life… there’s just something so beautiful and precious and good in that, for me.

aurpiment

When I lived in [the city where I lived for undergrad] there was this place very close to my house with cheap and delicious lamb curry and the people at the counter knew my face and would start scooping the lamb curry into a bowl when they saw me come through the door. I thought this was lovely of them and always made sure to tip generously. Restaurant and regular is a mutually beneficial relationship.

st-just

Yeah there’s a bakery/cafe a few doors down from me and reaching the point where they a) remember my face/name and b) know my regular order meant that I can no longer get breakfast anywhere else ever.

collapsedsquid

Had the guy at the taco truck I routinely went to for lunch who asked me after a few years if I only ate burritos or something, no man I’m just don’t see the need to mix up my lunches.

fatsexybitch

As someone who’s been both front and back of house in various large and small food services: regulars account for roughly 40% of sales and thier consistency makes it easier to order supplies and keep stock levels stable.

As front of house my regulars were always a welcome sight, an easy serve and clear, a guaranteed a happy customer and pleasant interaction. Especially in diners or lunch spots where reliable turnover = tips and most people never come in more than once, having a familiar face who’s rhythms and tastes you recall makes the rest of your service work easier.

If you have any anxiety about being a regular somewhere just be sure to tip well, and you will magically transform from ‘pizza guy’ or ‘lamb curry dude’ to Beloved Favorite Regular and the servers will squabble to get you seated in thier section.

haveyoutriedrebootingit

When I worked for Domino’s Pizza, there was a guy who ordered a pizza, without fail, on Thursday at 6pm. Until the day he didn’t.

One of our drivers was delivering nearby and decided to check on the guy. Turns out the guy got home, got most of the way through the door, and lost consciousness. (If memory serves, it was a diabetic episode.) Driver couldn’t revive him and called 911. Saved the guy’s life.

umbrellalery

I understand your social anxiety but have you ever considered that, sometimes, in a truly shitty day, your well-known and well-loved face is the one thing that prevents a server from breaking down?

I used to work as a barista and this lady would come in every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for a latte every 4pm (something to get her through the kids coming home). I asked if her kids only went to school on MWF and she said "oh no! Hahahaha! My kids go every day to school but I didn't want to be the Everyday 4PM Coffee Lady!"

She was always bright and bubbly and had a very wicked and dirty sense of humor which never failed to make me laugh.

On a Thursday, one of our espresso machines breaks down which means we're slow because we're only making use of one. We ran out of milk because, I shit you not, the delivery truck hit an actual cow on the way to the store.

So, customers were making tsk-ing noises and complaints about how long it was taking. And, to me, who has sensory issues, it was very very stressful and after the seventh customer reamed me out because I couldnt make their drink which required milk, I was on the verge of tears.

And then, the next customer comes up and says "guess I'm going to be the Everyday 4PM Coffee Lady".

It was her. She was in the cafe.

On a Thursday.

She smiled big at me and said: "I'll have brewed coffee! And three cookies for my kids!"

I forced myself to talk to her. I made her coffee. I bagged her cookies. After she said goodbye, I took a break and cried in the back room.

Seeing such a familiar and well-loved face on a truly shit day and then have that person give you nothing but kindness and joy was too much for me.

It galvanized me and made me feel as if whatever came next, I could handle. The day continued like shit until the end of my shift but suddenly, it wasn't as stressful, it wasn't as grey, it wasn't as anxiety-inducing.

All because a well-loved regular came in and treated me humanely.

Don't be afraid to be the Everyday 4PM Coffee Lady. We love you. You make the hours so much more bearable. You are an oasis in the hellish nightmare desert that customer service can be sometimes.