Uncommon Praxis

32. switch. bruja. mostly human.

[uncommonnpraxis]

I like being alone, so no one can really threaten me in that regard. They'd only promise me a good time. I like my solitude. I like the silence. I like the dark...

[uncommonnpraxis]

Same person, different body.

When will this cycle break?

[uncommonnpraxis]

The only thing I've ever wanted in my life was love...and it's gone forever. Now it no longer hurts...

[uncommonnpraxis]

I've been looking to fill this void with these losers but all I've successfully achieved was more and more heartbreak. I’ve let them manipulate me when I was in my darkest times of my life. Negative thoughts about myself have tried to infiltrate my mind but fuck that. Today I decided to that I matter more. They don't deserve me and I'm not their toy. I've been accepted into school so I'm going to build my way back up by myself and for myself. I will be greedy and selfish. I have nobody to please or satiate...and the rest can all go to hell.

[uncommonnpraxis]

My Muse.

My muse has a smile that cuts through all the hurt. My muse gets my humour. My muse feels my pain. They give me control over my life again. With them, I need no substance to help me escape the dark perpetual hole within my core. They emphasize my faults and healing is rapidly progressed with them by my side. There’s reasons to make plans. There’s reasons to see them through. There’s more room to understand. There’s just....more. My muse doesn’t know my past. My muse is ignorant to all the cracks in my foundation. My muse thinks I’m happy. My muse loves my smile. They fail to see how undone I am, through and through. They see no scars, just phantom beauty.

My muse doesn’t exist. They’re a fantasy created in my broken mind. I will kill them off before I get my hopes up. Every time.

[uncommonnpraxis]

Last night I lost myself. And when I tried to find her, I looked to someone else, instead of me. This person is a person, unlike any other person.....but still not me. I thought I nearly scared both parties away for good. The best of me is hardly present most of the time anyway. The best of me has gotten away so many times. It’s been bent and broken into shards. Tiny miniscule remnants of a normal 5 year old...because that’s truly the last time I knew who I was destined to be. A healer in a monster’s body....a seer in a blind half-woman’s body. Feels like it’s all coming together. I just need to embrace it and live it out..

[uncommonnpraxis]

If my body could talk.

I’ve got a good man who wants a bad girl. I’ve got a bad man who wants a good girl. I’ve got a good man who loves to be controlled. I’ve got a bad man who wants to control me. I’ve got an elusive man who wants me exclusive. I’ve got a dismissive man who wants me attentive. I’ve got an Austrian man who is ostentatious. I’ve got a local man who leaves me with locura.

And it’s indisputably unscrutinized. Momentary sordid love in the form of stranger’s tongues entangled and fingers intertwined from time to time. No matter how much time had passed...evaded memories can’t be outran.

[uncommonnpraxis]

How are you doing?

Introspectively speaking, the last four months have began a very redefining time of my life. However, I often find that...I’m in and out of it...Whatever “it” is. Notably, it’s quite strong. It sways and moves me effortlessly. All at once, I’m split into multiple victims and goddesses arise within me. Surrender was on the tip of my tongue for some time now...but I don’t think I’ll ever give it up again. Lurking inside of me is something that’s remained dormant for ages, it seems. She’s cool, sensual, desirable...She’s got her lovesick gaze drawn upon you, wanting more than either parties are willing to sacrifice. It’ll take a miracle before she makes that type of move again. Only able to give herself partially now because she’s rediscovered her worth. The more time solitude hangs around and cradles her in it’s eerily soothing embrace, the more polyamory appeals to her desires and needs. Love is a very familiar friend to this healer and guide. Perpetually leading others to things she can never obtain...but why not temporarily give in, if nothing lasts forever anyway? After my life was almost stolen from me, certain things fell into perspective. One permanent certainty is this: Life is short and fragile. I plan to do what I want to, so I can say I did it. Monogamy swallowed my life whole and spit me back out. It somehow left a bad taste in MY mouth. However, now I’ll use other lovers to wash out that putrid flavour...

[uncommonnpraxis]

Going the distance.

Now here’s a thought...don’t date Cancer men. Maybe? No? Yeah well, it would seem as though I’ve done it once again. Attracted a Cancer man with my looks but not my heart. They must have a thing for beauty and...???. Regardless of what the case may be, the truth remains...I’m only wanted as a submissive to Cancer men but nothing romantic. Have I lost my ability to show my true self? My loving side? Might I be that jaded? Am I unloveable? Undesirable? Ouch, it sure seems as such. However......this may be the best case scenario for me considering I’ve decided to travel for work again. How much time I’ll be home for now is still undetermined so I’d rather spend it doing things I enjoy. Can’t say being someone’s fucktoy on demand is on that list but, as previously stated, it may be the only thing I’m worthy of at this moment in time. Very few know what it truly means to be in a D/S dynamic...but I have one constant in my life and they are closest thing to perfect for my version of D/S. They’ve been true to me for years now and I’d like to repay them in some way. So traveling will bring me closer to them.

In the realm of metaphysics, I’ve picked up candle magic again....and I’ve definitely missed it. I forgot how good I am. As well as making my own ritual incense. I’ve got flowers strewn about all over my room, hanging off of anything I can clip my mini-clothes pins onto. Currently gathering enough energy to offer them once they’re invoked. It’ll be a long road but it’s well worth it and much needed. I’ve got to stay true to my bloodline. 

[uncommonnpraxis]

[uncommonnpraxis]

Fickle game.

Over this past weekend, things got a bit interesting. I met some good people and had a blast. I reconnected with an old high school gal pal and I can’t wait to hang out again. We met at her job for a drink before I waited on her as she closed. Then we drove across the street to her boyfriend’s job where we followed up with more drinks with him and her coworker, T.  As we laughed and reminisced, I looked around the room momentarily to access my surroundings. Upon looking to my right, I noticed a man sitting two seats away from me and as we made eye contact, he sent a very sincere smile my way. Peering from underneath his hat, he said, “Hey, Ma.” I replied with a simple greeting back, “Hey. How are you?” He told me that he was doing well and I reciprocated with the like. Then he explained to me that my glasses were the reason he felt like he needed to speak to me and chuckled softly, as people typically notice them at first glance. But it had been sometime since anybody complimented me on them, so this was quite nice to experience. And this is where I fucked up. I turned back to talk to my friend because I didn’t want to be rude and ignore her since she was the reason I went out. After some time, the gentleman left but he returned various times, in which our glances intertwined. Had I been more put together, I might have offered to exchange numbers or meet up the following day. However, this was not the case. I chose my friend over a possible connection and thus is my current state of affairs. Responsible but always considering others before myself.  

I also met up with a guy friend and he made it clear that he thinks I should take the traveling job because he’s not ready for a relationship. Even though he kept saying he wanted it. So though I received very mixed signals, I nodded and agreed, and told him that I’ll support him as he goes through healing via therapy. That’s what friends are for, after all. Support and understanding. And, to be honest, I wish I had more friends like myself, as conceited as that sounds. This is how I know psychology is my calling....and this is why I’ll end up alone. Every person that I try to be with romantically does this. Same people, different bodies. I made peace with it at age 15. Can’t deny the inevitable. You play the hand you’re dealt and hope that it’s enough.

[uncommonnpraxis]

[uncommonnpraxis]

Escaping my past.

Now’s about the time I say I’m a better person than I was yesterday. However, I’m not so sure I can say this is the case. Since the day my grandmother passed, I’ve been striving to move forward and live the way she wanted me to. This would be possible if only my first abuser could be erased from my life. Not so easy when it’s one’s own mother. I dove head first into the stormy waters and I’m keeping my head up as I make my way to clearer skies. The issue is, she’s the water. All around me and pulling me under every so often. Her words are the cracking thunder, there to stun and hold me still in time, prohibiting my next move forward. The lightning is the flashbacks that make me lose my way, causing me to be thrusted back underneath the surface of the sea.  And every time I think I’m almost there...she strikes again. It’s her life goal to ruin mine the way that she did hers. And she could almost succeed each time if I hadn’t taken back control and gained more strength that I didn’t even know I had left. So this evening I received messages from her in my blocked folder, telling me that I will be kicked from my current insurance plan in 2 days, knowing very well that my vehicle is how I make money currently. I would have normally freaked out but I came up with a plan in 4 minutes flat. And I also didn’t let her ruin my whole day...This is a major breakthrough for me. I can’t say it’s a full victory, unfortunately. I still cursed her name and had bad thoughts about myself. I hope the day comes where I no longer hold onto the bad memories and I can just ignore it all together. I want her to get better.....but I want myself to get better, more than her. So I gave up on her after 32 years...and it’s been a very difficult situation to maneuver through. My dad’s picked up the slack but he has so many years worth of pieces to put back together. It’s a bit unfair to him...but everything in due time...

[uncommonnpraxis]

[uncommonnpraxis]

Disappointed in myself per usual. This is that old familiar feeling. I guess I'm just that persistent...or maybe that dumb. Whatever it is, I need to change for good.

Mentally and emotionally distraught so it's time to shed this version of myself, colour my hair, and then find a new path. Onward to bigger and better things.

[uncommonnpraxis]

Cut to the feeling.

Heading home to reality after a much needed break. I tried new food, enjoyed delicious wine, met some great people, danced, swam, gambled...but it's time to move a little bit forward. Need to get back to working out and progressing mentally and emotionally via therapy sessions.

Work is still yet to be determined. However, the desire to travel has been reignited recently. I can't say I really have a reason to stay in the DFW anymore after the passing of both of my grandparents in the last 5 months..and I no longer have Sebastian. Being home has only resulted in making me feel even more lost and incredibly lonely. The dating situation is for a whole entry for a later time. But now, I could move anywhere I wanted..and having had the luxury of seeing 80% of the US whilst traveling previously for work, I could make an informed decision. Providence and Las Vegas are top two picks, realistically and financially. But I will never settle down if I insist on traveling. I wouldn’t have a home base. Not really. A place to rest my bones when I return for time off...and I could do that anywhere. Just wouldn’t be very meaningful. Wouldn’t have anyone to come home to and share stories with...or spoil. It’s time for myself and all I can seem to think about is dating. That’s so typical of me...I wonder when I’ll grow out of this shit. Maybe I don’t want to but it seems to be proven unfruitful, to say the least. If I take a job in the DFW, I could finally finish school and get my PhD, which has been my dream since I was 17. That seems like the responsible and more fulfilling route, honestly. Money is great but I’d rather be accomplished. Also, it helps that the profession I’m going into does pay handsomely. Guess that’s a major bonus. There’s so much to consider, and after November, things start rolling in full motion. I suppose I’ll keep enjoying the ride and seeing what comes my way...

[uncommonnpraxis]

Insecure.

Dip in mood and confidence last night.