Undefined. Constantly searching for peace.

I'm a work in progress! I'm tainted by the world I long to fix! Life is to live. I'm the flesh and mind of the human unknown to self and others. Living, loving and laughing! JOIN ME! I discover something new about myself daily! There is no way I can correctly and completely define myself!

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The liberated cancel culture

Having short boundless interactions leading to no meaningful or sustainable relationship has become the epitome of my social life. I’ve quickly and repeatedly learned you can self disclose and even offer yourself to someone and that doesn’t lead to forming a relationship. Now I’m aware that I’m specifically not equipped with the tools to build relationships and healthy attachments however I still feel there is an underlying foundation missing from our society on how to build meaningful relationships. There is a deep craving to be connected, seen and affirmed however there is an absence of societal reinforcement in place conditioning connection and relationships into the people. We’re empty and self consumed. There is nothing extremely significant about the self. The self standing alone in an interconnected biome becomes hazard to the ecosystem at large. Long story short my grave loneliness and hyper analytical mind can see the shallowness of our existence. My empty sex and gossip sessions telling the depth of my thoughts make me cringe once I evaluate why I am the way that I am. Self awareness has become this dark twisted place.

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I’m overthinking about you!

I’m currently up at 4:00 am obsessing about what I’m perceiving as the abrupt ending of a conversation. I was recently DM’ing a guy that I’ve taken a pretty significant interest in getting to know. My compulsive thoughts on how to reintroduce a conversation to him, stem from my desire to refrain from “fucking it up”. I’m quite sure we haven’t developed an “it” in terms of our communication and relationship to one another. Yet, I still don’t want to mess up by allowing my flawed self to be exposed. I’ve convinced myself my flaws would causes a halt in our communication. I really like the idea of him. He’s this long time crush and I’m very much still a hopeless romantic that is very guilty of naivety. My mind wants so badly to convince me that me being myself would be off putting. My mind will sometimes tell me that I can be too much, think too much and act too prematurely and abrasively.

Somewhere between my mind and reality, things become self fulfilling prophecies or remain imagined. I really do want to develop this “like” for him. I’ve had the standard attraction to his physical existence for quite some time and my mystical thinking leaves me to believe that this lingering interest in his mere existence is something to continue to pursue. I don’t remember the first time I saw him but I remember the young woman pre adult butterflies I had for him in times past.

Writing this has been extremely therapeutic and calming. I can simply say hello to him now. I can let go of the abrupt ending of our last conversation and allow the next to manifest.

I just want to be thought about you know? Absolutely not obsessed about but it would be great to know that the essence of my existence was breezing through someone’s mind. Who am I kidding though, I don’t have enough grace to breeze. I’m moreso the type to physically trip while being the catalyst to overthinking through someone’s mind. Lol

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I recently thought about the first time these two guys I was in love with met and how weird that moment was because they kinda looked alike. So, I questioned if I was twisted and just looking for one guy in the other. Then I realized that I loved them so differently and how I fell in love was so different though the moments we met were so similar. I was in love with one's pain and I was in love with the others ability to effortlessly love. I fell in love at first site with both of them and I just knew instantly that they would be in my life in some capacity.

I really started to get in my feelings thinking of this love because I realized the love that was the easiest was a great experience even though he definitely played and dissed me. I was so resentful of him and how he tried to make me feel like I was wrong for being in love with him and wanting more from him. I allowed that resentment to make believe the love wasn't real, but it was real, it was very real and it felt very good. Any moment or time that I see him, that love never changes. I think he was the first person I ever unconditionally loved. No amount of disappointment or pain could ever intercept the love I feel just thinking about his essence.  

I can feel his love just thinking about his love. He never projected the adversities of his personal life in how he loved. Honestly, to this day, I don't feel his pain, I have no memory of his pain. It might equally be a reflection of his ability to suppress his pain, though, I truly believe he just has this amazing ability to transform his pain to pure love. He is just so incredible at loving.

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Ex-Lover Seperation Anxiety

For whatever reason I feel the need to play the worlds greatest ex lover. Like I have a responsibility to piece together the revelations of past experiences and continue to nurture non existent relationships with my continued growth. I am like super save a hoe, the hoe and the villain. Constantly recycling and making new containers to contain new rain waters. Going through storm after storm waiting for the days to soak up the sun. How many times can one person hear, “I’m no longer into you but too deep into you to part ways?” I need a piece of your sharp waves to keep me afloat. Erections and wet cotton alike the cycles are no more convincing than the geico commercial to unlicensed uninsured drivers. No amount of growth can steer anyone down a still broken path or even a dark one. Roads might be paved but still there’s too much uncertainty, instability, and too much rage. Too much, too much to stay. Too much recycling to truly stray.

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#poetrysoulday #poetry #spkokenword #chicagopoet #chicago #sundaypoetry #soulhealingexperience #she #bossbrandcollective

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#poetrysoulday #twistedcomples #nadiyahedwards #bossbrandcollective #throwback #chicago #chicagocypher #2015 #locs #goddessflow

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Impress me!

Impress me!

I’ve been loving and receiving love from a very shallow place.

I’ve been blind.

After, finally exploring dating, I now realize I like to be scammed, bamboozled, or more softly stated, persuaded. I have been unconsciously seeking people that wrap me up in lies and misleads to comfort my void of lack of attention and praise. What’s even more ironic is that this “persuasive love” is the same manipulative delusion a lot of my family encompasses. I guess there really isn’t any irony in the reality but expectancy.

As a child my father would fill my head with promises of what could, what should and what would. I did not recognize the little girl within me is still damaged and holding on to those broken promises. Especially since they seem to constantly keep coming. Accountability is severely lacking in my immediate environment and within myself.

I learned and adopted this desire to be romanticized and praised. I literally just had an epiphany at 26 years old on a random day, “damn Nadiyah not only are you attracted to deception and mediocrity, you’re also requiring it as a prerequisite to be in your life.”

I really laugh at myself and the twisted ideologies of life I’ve embody and projected. I am in fact bitter about the pasts short comings, obsessive about remaining within and escaping the delusions created within and around me, while also self righteously pumping up my perceptions of myself.

Wow, taking steps backwards to reconnect the past self with the current self, to ultimately have an overall perception of self, is something trippy.

I literally spend so much time within myself I’ve deeply and intensely learned myself. In this knowledge of myself though, I’m fearful, insecure and strangely unaware. It’s this ignorance of my true self that has been overshadowed by this self I constantly keep trying to create and be that is not true to me. I’m literally fighting myself to be myself because my defensively coping self is trying so hard to be in control. I call her the bitter bitch because she is truly a character of her own.

I’ve learned to internalize the deception which somehow now has been deceiving myself. The hate and abuse is self inflicted. I’m literally out here self sabotaging on a daily. Creating disasters and storms anywhere I go and that is mainly because the disaster is in my head.

I’m aware to prevent from driving myself immensely mentally ill and further separated from myself, I must stop parting ways with my true identity. There is a deep need fo reconnection and acceptance. There is still a lot of gray area and confusion that keeps the images and understandings of life and myself blurred in my mind. However it’s a work in progress and truly a journey.

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Too scared to love my father but out here seeking love from these niggas!

Too scared to love my father but out here seeking love from these niggas!

How you gon be scared to love your father but searching for love from these niggas Nadiyah, Nadiyah’Marie?

I’ve finally come to realize a truth of mine. After not having my father in my life, I’ve grown afraid of the love of a man. I don’t know the love physically. I can only perceive the love through written words. I’m chasing the words. I’ve been seeking validation of myself and my worth in the words of others. I’ve been giving my mind and body to people in hopes that they would value me. There was always some underlying hope that each person I slept with kept an appreciation for me inside of them after every encounter. There was a sense of pleasure in feeling like my body, my words and my essence could wrap someone up into me. I wanted every experience to end not in a person loving me but the pussy. For a long time I didn’t even conceptualize my actual self being loved. I didn’t know how to initiate that love and understanding. I didn’t feel worthy of this intangible love, I simply felt good at sex so that was my love.

If you put the effort into fucking me good enough, you must’ve loved me!

After writing my father in prison for 10 years, while clinching on to the desires of a protecter and stabilizer, I grew confused and distant from love and affection. I grew up equally sharing the absence and misinterpretation of love from my mother. It’s something revitalizing and hurtful in realizing the absence of a parents love as a child leaves a deep scar and ongoing misinterpretation of other’s love. I’ve been searching for this fulfillment in my heart and fantasy that I’ve created in my mind.

One picture is of a little girl and her stable happy family. She has this healthy mother and father. She also envisioned a fine life, a proper education, family love, acceptance, and praise.

In real life, the happiness of my family was the happiness of my own. My family being my parents. I was very attached to my parents. That attachment was destroyed so early on in life which then created the need and space for a fantasy self.

For so long I was absent from the specific feeling of affection. I went years without hugging, embracing, empowering and uplifting myself or anyone else. It was neither given nor received. I shut myself down and went into a shell. There is much of a false me hidden and tucked away in this dark fantasy land.

She is dangerously erotic, absent of sensuality, aggressively seductive and destructive. She is cold as ice and as threatening as a Black widow. She has no impulse control while constantly chasing fulfillment outside of herself. Intrigued by the manipulation of power and control. She is a masochist of some sort. Deeply rooted in perceiving pleasure as pain.

I can feel the pain on top of the fantasy and that is what holds me back from love and life. It’s that hurt on top of the dream. Somewhere between my fantasy self and reality, things were destructive and hostile in my reality and within myself. It’s almost inaccurate to describe my disassociation as a fantasy. That little girl in me was afraid, defensive and unable to cope so I compartmentalized my identities in my mind. I have a vivid memory of my childhood self silently sitting in pain but optimistic about the future. That is not that same Nadiyah I’ve proceeded to relate to as life has progressed.

I have over a decade of hurtful, incorrect images of healthy behavior and love embedded in my heart and mind. It’s unclear how it will ever leave but as time moves forward some things simply hurt less. I’m sure now is the time to put some intention on it. There is an increasing urge inside of me pushing me to intentionally move myself forward.

After romanticizing the ideal life and people, I could truly use an acceptance of reality check! I’ve never spoken directly to the little girl in me that is constantly seeking peace. I don’t give her the adequate respect for persevering through life as best as she could. She deserves that recognition, she deserves that praise from myself. I need to learn to be nice to her and more importantly to embrace her as me.

I need to protect myself and honestly I need to understand I’ve already succeeded at protecting myself. I’ve done it. I’ve made it. Like a G still here, still standing. I’m real. I’m as real as I can be and I’m really in the process of fully owning that self acceptance and self love.

Getting pass this bitterness, damn.

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I can’t pray for myself...

I can’t pray for myself...

I literally can’t find the words. I don’t feel connected to the energy. I feel empty but my mind flashes pictures and moments in time. I only have memory recall inside of me.

I’m too afraid to pray to someone else for help. Do I deserve help? Am I too strong for help? Am I too much of a leader for help? Am I too insecure for help?

I don’t understand why I can’t feel myself enough to gage how to speak for myself. There is an absence of self expression within me. My throat chakra is blocked. I’m not getting out of myself.

It’s a very frightening moment and time in my life because I don’t always connect to the energy of God. I don’t feel in control of my power to tap into the energy of God. I’m often left questioning the presence and existence of God.

I’ve been intentionally trying to pray and I can’t get the words together. I close my eyes and it’s this awkward silence. In this awkward silence I get nervous about what to say to God. Do I greet God first? Do I say thank you before I pour out my frustration? What are the appropriate messages to bring to God? If I speak to myself as God, how do I refrain from beating myself up for needing myself in prayer? I feel guilty for having known what I needed from myself and from life but having not delivered that service and due diligence to myself. Myself won’t help myself so how could I be God? Myself is also too prideful and afraid to need God.

So there it is, my ignorance and pride is in the way. More so just pride. I am in the know more than I can admit to myself because that leaves me, my ego, pride and God all alone in my head. I’m left unable to feel my heart. I can’t feel my center. My chakras are clogged. I am inside of myself suffering from arrogance of the mind and absence of the heart. I am not putting my heart into life or into myself. I am so busy protecting my physical, which I’m doing a piss poor job, I am not living from my core. I’m so insecure and without confidence in myself I won’t even pray for me.

All my grandparents dead, with more ancestors than elders, I been had the recurring feeling that, “ain’t nobody praying for me.”

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"All the insane bitches so passionate, what they lack in trust they make up in lust..."

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Questions

How much space is there between above the clouds and outer space? How close is a plane ride away from being a rocket ship to beyond? When flying through the clouds above Arizona, it looked mystical. They were thick and full but floating with an essence of pure grace. However when penetrating them they were forceful and loud. I expected to see an angel or something unknown to me. A unicorn of some sort. There was nothing. Just cloud. But is cloud just? Do we over romanticize the heavens and God. What is the truth in superstition and God? Why are we not allowed to explore our mystical abilities? To tap into our super powers? Are we being punished as humans on Earth? Did we do something wrong to be damned here? Is our purpose anything beyond a jail sentence? Are those that die prematurely and that are killed prematurely, simply serving shorter sentences? Is there a such thing as premature death? Were they called back for good deeds and purpose and time served? Is long life a gift or a curse?

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Walking into 26!

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Accepting that I'm ok!

Accepting that I'm ok! Every now and then I have a burst of enlightening energy and come to realize, I'M GOOD! I'm seriously good! The world is mine! I will and can have all that I need. Im newly inheriting the perspective of looking at my needs through the lens of sustenance and not deprivation. There was once a time that I perceived needing as a burden. My young and immature mind had convinced itself that it was not ok to need. So naturally the love, acceptance and security I innately needed was perceived to be terrible unfulfilling desires. I told myself it was wrong, weak and impossible to get the emotional support I needed. I thought something as fruitful and widespread as love was unobtainable. Scarred and ruined in my own soul, I kept myself hidden and shamed. Ashamed that I wanted to be loved. As crazy (preposterous) as that may sound I have, in fact, been running from unconditional love. Most importantly I've been running away from unconditionally loving myself. I've been cursed with the false perception that others inability to outwardly love was a reflection of my worth. So now, at 26 long and trying years young, I've come to realize I'm good. I came out on the better end of life's storm. Life has thrown me around and I in fact have not drowned. I am still standing, still trying, still thriving. Dramatic, self sabotaging darkness is a familiar place and very easily accessible. It has become an effortless reaction to channel. However it just doesn't feel comfortable, useful, or productive any more. The isolation and checking out behavior overly emphasizes the loneliness within. It's an antagonizing and fearful place to be an adult with the desire to branch out and be friendly. Time in one state creates an overwhelmingly false perception of life at large. I've viewed people as mean and attacking. I didn't really cope well with peer rejection and family criticism. I laugh at my young and fragile self because I know now that I was living in silence in a world of people that had a lot in common with me.

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When someone else is living your fantasy

When someone else is living your fantasy. My heart is racing. I keep seeing flashes of the snap in my mind. I always remember, afterwards, how right I was to stop indulging in the social media accounts of loss loves. It simply doesn't register to me that even in all of my hopes and fantasies this person never wanted me. No matter how much he tells me directly he was using me, no matter how much he doesn't contact me, doesn't even entertain me contacting him, I just have this large sensitive hope. I look at his face and feel all the hope he gave me. I also replay the memories of how empty and embarrassed I felt after actually pursuing him. Then I'm back to this angst beating up of myself for not being ready to love him how he needed to be loved. Constantly immersing myself and my fears into people. I've had my eyes and body open and pulled in so many directions. I'm literally filled with knots in my stomach aching from the sight of him. I hold so many emotions for people in the pit of my existence, my sacral. Searching searching searching. Over compensating for some misappropriated absence. I can't stop searching for love. I'm something like addicted to the idea of being loved. I have a void and desire to be loved. I have no concept of how to balance out the two. I shift between desperately wanting to be loved or strongly fighting against any attachments. Being extreme. I want to keep blaming my parents for abandoning me and skewing my perception of love and breaking my foundation but I'm grown right? How much therapy does a "grown" person need to grow up? Here is a free one to The APA; sensible/sensibility behavioral therapy for adults. I need more hugs from my elders, more reprimands for doing blatant wrong, and wise words for insight. I desperately want to fill full. Full off of love. Never in question or counting range of those that love me.

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A man won't accept me for my flaws if I keep having sex to find myself!! Part 2

I developed this unhealthy relationship with myself sexually from the very start. After losing my virginity I grew attached to my first lover while also growing attached to his unhealthy relationship with sex. I suppressed myself sexually in hopes to be viewed as loyal and pure to him. While I was also ignoring I was not being pleased and valued by him. I was very use to feeling worthless. My guardians drilled worthlessness in my head, my friends turning on me drilled worthlessness in my head, growing up and constantly losing relationships drilled worthlessness in my head, so I had sex. I made it my job to make myself worth the time. I focused on pleasing, on being good enough, wet enough, long enough, fast enough. I fucked. I got fucked. I found power in myself and power in my being. I then grew a need to have sex to feel desired. If I couldn't fuck you and fuck you good, I wasn't connecting. I couldn't feel the chemistry, I couldn't feel the love. So maybe I was searching, maybe I've been filling a void. The feeling of being stroked and sucked and caressed is joy, a joy I don't think I will ever get over. I do sincerely believe I will continue to enjoy sex with the new intent to please myself and my partner while enjoying the present moment. My life partner will read this one day and know my flaws and smile at the woman they know will be theirs for our entire life on Earth! If I'm never married because my spirit cannot be captured, I'm willing to believe I will find peace in that reality.

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A man won't accept me for my flaws if I keep having sex to find myself!! Part 1

I recently went out with a friend who was also my college sex partner. I stated to my friend my desires to be a mother and wife. I told him how much I want to leave my erotic sexual prowess in the past. He advised me to be me. He recommended I continue to be myself and continue my sexual pursuits. Somewhere in there was expressed love for my being and my sex. I'm still very unclear on how much of this encouragement was genuinely driven by his heart and his penis. I'm leaning more towards penis but he made a very compelling argument on why I should remain true to me , along with how much my erotic self won't affect my ability to be wife'd in the future. Now fast forward and I'm texting another male friend and past sexual partner. I once again express my desires to be a wife while still being conflicted about how I can incorporate my sexual, erotic, free spirited appetite into my life. I often find myself holding out and suppressing pleasing myself out of fear. I carry this intense fear that I am too much of a hoe. Too open and curious about pleasure and freedom. As I expressed my looping insecurities and stagnant lifestyle, my second friend told me: "But just know it's highly likely that you will bump into someone you really like who will not be cool about accepting your flaws. At least not for long. Sex without attachment is greedy. It's unstable. And it means you needed to find yourself in other people which could possibly mean you'll never know yourself at all. " Whoa right? I'm so conflicted on how I perceive these two overtly different opinions from two men that I've shared my body with and express having love for my being. I question how much of their ability or inability to sexually engage with me anymore drives their opinions on how I can best reach marriage. I wasn't really fond of being told that my "flaws won't be accepted". I take pride in my journey to self discovery and self actualization. I didn't really understand my outer self growing up. I'm such an introvert . I had no perception or understanding of my physical body as a sex instrument. I also lacked in self worth along with no exposure to healthy relationships with men. Between my introversion and ignorance, I just never really understood the proper relationship a person has with themselves, a woman has with her body and the relationship a woman has with a lover. I would have never perceived this ignorance and introversion as a search for myself in others. I genuinely have a interest and desire to express myself sexually and intimately. I genuinely learned to like sex. However now more than ever I have a void inside of me and I have not had much sex. A part of me truly believes this current void is from the lack of pleasure in my life. I somewhat believe that I also avoided myself in my thirsty pursuit to fulfill myself sexually.

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I didn't have anything to prove until I started failing myself

I didn't have anything to prove until I started failing myself When I failed out of Tuskegee, I was devastated but even more ambitious. I knew that consequences came with certain actions and I immediately started working towards the same end goal, graduating undergrad. As I was reading an old IG post I came to realize I did not feel defeated by my failure until I didn't reach the end goal as soon as I wanted. I didn't really feel defeated until others started passing me up, I didn't really feel defeated until I gave up. I never said it, wrote, thought it or believed it, but I gave up on myself. I gave up while just at the finish line, I gave up when real hard work was required. There was some sense of entitlement and pride really plaguing my decisions. As if I was too good to work hard and strive towards one goal using several avenues. I honestly didn't feel like I was too good but actually felt like I wasn't good enough. I felt like I couldn't handle working and going to school. I didn't know how I would manage to pay 14k a semester and go to school. School is expensive and affordable at the same time. I was fixated on one option rather than exploring the multitude of options. I've been plagued by fear and insecurity. A very large part of my identity and decisions rest within self righteousness. My own sense of right often limits my possibilities. I can see how my stubbornness and envy has left me looping in my own failures. I have truly learned that hate, negativity, and envy does not project a harmful energy onto anyone other than self. Energy is truly projected and reflected as a mirror. The power of one persons energy is grand however it is not permanent. I've been walking around with a chip on my shoulder, A bug in my ear waiting for a sorry and thank you I will never hear. "Still I rise..."