Where do I begin? I have so many stories, so many experiences. I thought I'd start with just two simple memories, it does get over whelming,never mind grasp on, or even begin to understand. How can I transfer memories and feelings into words? Honestly, how can you describe the perfect nightmare...I come from a great family, loving,supportive, we were not the wealthiest but we stuck together. As a young girl, yes there were struggles, massive challenges, growing up wasn't easy, I was rapped for the first time when I was nine years old, that is just when it all began...I've been rapped a total of seventeen times. By family members,friends, friends of friends, for a woman, its strips you down to the core, you remember every detail, every smell, sound, facial expression,touch. I promised myself they can take it all from me, but over my dead body would they steal my soul. Over my dead body. Every relationship,be it a friendship, or what ever the case was, I struggled to feel acceptance, to feel loved, although there were times it was there, but I some how always ran from it, when in actual fact I yearned for it, with every aching part of me I yearned for it. I much preferred putting myself in situations of utter terror, because I felt I was needed there at that time, felt sorry, made excuses, it'll get better!!we will get there!! Together. It was just the once, but actually almost everyday, I know it is messed up, its rather crazy when I think of it now, all the manipulation, all the anger, how could I ever be so naïve. Dam.. My journey only truly started when I met a man, rough around the edges, some one who needed me? It was so great to feel needed, to feel important, I took on that role so easily, it came naturally, I was treated with such respect, such love. Wow I'd never had this kinda thing, we were two peas in a pod, we lived together, we worked close to each other, we did it all side by side, do anything to keep it, as usual it faded, I'd still do everything in hopes for the same reactions, I used my intelligence for the wrong reasons, I knew this at the time, but I couldn't care less, it just felt great to be able to some how manage to slip away from danger, I loved to this for him, he always treated me like he did in the beginning afterwards. I learnt to think on my toes and always be two steps ahead, so of course he took advantage of this, and I ran out of excuses for him eventually, there's a saying, if you join the swine soon you too shall be one. And boy did that happen. Before I knew it my life spun out of control, I couldn't function, nor could I even count to three really. I was weighing forty to forty two and believe it or not it was great fun for a week. But then the week turned to a month and a month turned to a year of pain, of terror, of just utter longing, but you're lost, its hard to explain the feeling, imagine this..you're shaking, out of control, you haven't slept for eight days you've eaten maybe five or six times, you are screaming inside, you're heart is racing constantly, you're nose doesn't stop bleeding, you can hardly focus, and you speaking but its all in your head, you think you've gone for a walk but you've actually stayed where you are, you look at the time, at its only been four minutes. You look again and its the next morning, how long have you sat there, did any one notice. Why can't I feel my legs you'll ask at some point. That is where drugs lead to. At some point or another, you will fall. I have many stories to share, all of which I am ashamed for. That wasn't me! Drugs were never part of my vocabulary. I tore my family to shreds, lost my ambition, my innocence, my intuition. I pushed every one away to such an extent I'd put a protection order against my family. My family, come on, I didn't want any one who knew me,near me, there was nothing to me, I was dead, so were they, the only thing that kept me going was my man and my drug. I was living in the streets, it was way better to be there with your drug and man than home where you could get caught. I eventually lost every thing, I had to move in with his mother, which of course didn't suit us. We didn't want to be watched. Who does when they're high, there's nothing worse than being paranoid, you always looking over your shoulder, you scared all the time, what if. Oh my gosh the swat team is following us but its actually a normal black bakkie .I mean really. Yes its funny now, but then and there it wasn't at all. It got to the point where I was staying over at my dealers place I helped him do his job, I ran his business, which is ironic, I used to run my mom's business, and my own, so literally I just used the skills I learnt to better myself, to actually apply it into the dealings of drugs. I got to the stage where I wanted out, but I was so deep I had no opportunities of a way out. I had no where to live, no one to go to, I was as lost in my head as I was in the real world,all this was only created by me, there's no pity in it what so ever, I made this world of mine on my own. slowly I faded away, I lost my voice, I lost my confidence, I couldn't stand the sight of myself nor could I stand the sight of my man. I moved bedrooms, I couldn't speak to him, look at him, I hated him, I hated myself, how could I do this!! How did I even land up here so fast, that's the thing you think you can control it, I've got news for you. You can't,will not, not matter what. I have been traded for more drugs, the worst is, at that stage I had even stopped for a while,I thought he had too.. I had gotten into my car to go with this man, he was with friends and he was completely high, I wasn't, so I thought I'd be able to stop something horrible from happening. it was like two A.M of course, and he was on a trip of note. Wanting more, he had managed to make a deal with his friends, who are also known dealers, I was in my car, just chilling, and they had come to me, told me to join them as my man had said it was fine, yes I fought back, yes I bit,scratched ,screamed,cried,begged and pleaded. Did it work....no. But he got his fix, I walked home, from benoni town down and across the streets. After being left. This moment was the moment that changed my life. When I got home, he didn't even realize what had happened he couldn't comprehend nor acknowledge the recent events. My journey through drugs costed me, everything, I was beaten, I was raped, I was emotionally dead, I was mentally unavailable, the turning point for me was when I looked at myself in the mirror, It scared me, to this day,I scream in my sleep because of what I saw, I was trapped inside a corpse, of pure pain,sorrow,guilt,shame, a rotting soul. That's when I realized, I'd broken my one and only promise. Its taking my soul... I stopped dreaming, I stopped laughing, I stopped wanting to be greater in life, I had no destination, I had no goal. No finish line nothing. I had nothing, I became nothing, a ticking time bomb, causing mass destruction, living a life of deceit, in the shadows, terrified of movements, horrified by sounds, I would rock myself behind a locked door in the empty bath tub-that was my safe place. For hours, just swaying crying out of control, I tried anything and everything to get out this world. Suicide, hiding away, you name it. But at the end of the day the real demon was me.. Your own worst enemy, I refer to this as war, it is literally a war in your head, I would slam my head against walls, I would pull my hair out, I would do anything to make it stop!! The voices, the things you see, the sounds, the smells even. My body would go into weird spasms where I'd fold over into jaw dropping positions, I'd bend things the wrong way, and it was awful, pain at its most. Even worse to see it happen to myself. You can't stop it or control it. I have scars from when I was beaten, I have been shot, I was just at the wrong place , wrong time defending my man. Typical. I blame no-one, I blame no past situation. I hold myself accountable completely, I made the choice. I took that first temping sweet line, and drowned it the shallow salty waters. I booked myself into elim clinic, what an experience. Wow they really know what they're doing, I had to detox for five days, you think a downer is bad, you thought you had bad cravings. You know nothing. I thought I was already in hell. Did life throw me a curve ball of note.. That was sheer hell, detox for me was the daddy of pain. Your therapy rips all your sores open and teaches you how to deal with things the right way, the rational way of thinking . drugs suppressed it all. Which isn't normal. Drug addiction is a disease, a disease of choice, where you are unable to make rational decisions. You think you can fly and do magic, but in reality you can actually just sit and stand kind of thing. I've been clean for six weeks. I have my family back in my life, I have a strong relationship with jesus, I have happiness, peace, I have hope and I'm starting to feel things again, I'm starting to laugh again, one thing its taught me, its a question we all ask ourselves but some of us can't really answer, who am I? I know who I am not. Its not over yet, its a life long battle, yes it gets easier, but it never goes away. It is worth it though, feeling like this is better than any high you can buy, its happening right now, at this moment, on this day,you don't miss a thing of beauty or inspiration to be greater. Nothing can stop me, sobriety is my achievement. I wouldn't change what I did, what I went through, I wouldn't be where I am now, If I hadn't, I wouldn't know what I know now if I didn't. No one said it will be easy, but the things you fight for with everything you got, are always the best things in life. I fight for me, I am worth it, I am strong, I do have faults, I do make mistakes, but I know what I don't want to be, I know who I don't want to be. I am Danny, I'm a proud ex drug addict 2014. Who aspires to be successful,to teach, to learn,to have a destination. To be part of something greater.
