While chatting with my friend mo the other day (lightly edited for length and clarity):
mo: i have Don't Care About Hayden And Jackie disease and i respect all the valiant work that fic writers are doing to try to turn them into interesting people rather than mild heterosexual set dressing mo: but it's so funny to me also bc a part of me is always like nooo i need them to be a Contrast, a Persistent and Haunting Symbol of the Status Quo, a This Is What You're Supposed To Want for shane Candy: OK OK I absolutely hear you about don't care about Hayden disease but can I please sell you on âš Homoromantic but Heterosexual âš Hayden Pike mo: say more mo: the only thing that will make hayden interesting to me is if he suffers also
I then proceeded to subject them to almost an hour of incredibly detailed headcanon, and then I decided I needed to inflict it on all of you, too, so I'm here today to present:
The Homoromantic Hayden Pike Hypothesis
Quick disclaimers:
This applies to show!Hayden only. I find book!Hayden kind of low-key unpleasant? Boring and kind of dim. Unflavored-ass fuckin tofu man, which I've said before and will again.
"But Candy," you say, "that's Hayden in the TV show, too." OK. Listen, your opinion is so valid and you won't hear me disagreeing. Hardcore Hayden haters: I support you. I, too, am a hater and know its joys. You might want to skip this one. Or, y'know, stick around, because sometimes it's fun to hate on an opinion.
OK so. The Homoromantic Hayden Hypothesis.
The genius of show!Haydenâthe reason why I find him so compellingâis because Callan Potter plays Hayden like he has the biggest crush on Shane. Like he thinks Shane is the coolest thing to ever exist. Look, not only does he get to play on the MLH, he's on the same fuckin line as Hockey Jesus!!!
Take their first on-screen interaction. When Hayden says "Jacki's been obsessed with being the first WAG to feed you," what he means is "I'm obsessed with being the first teammate to have you over for dinner," and he says it with the biggest sparkliest heart-eyes of anyone I've ever seen except Ilya Rozanov after he's railed Shane through the mattress and made him come hands-free.
And in the aquarium? When he's trying to set Shane up? He's. God. He's trying to keep Shane close. "Hey marry one of my wife's friends so even if you move/are traded/drift away on the currents of life, we'll always have a connection because you're married to someone I know."
But the real moment when I was like, ohhh I really really like Hayden and started building this elaborate homoromantic edifice, is when he tells Shane "get laid, weirdo" in episode 4. Like, first of all, the deep fondness in his voice. The unflinching acceptance of this deeply awkward weirdo! But also: "Please go forth and become more legible to me, best friend and person I have insane feelings of devotion for đ ." If he can't have Shane, then he'll take a Shane who approaches the patterns of Hayden's own life.
It's part of the gay phenomenon of like, do I want you or do I want to be you, except with Hayden it manifests as "I want us to be the same." I want us to look the same and live the same life because we're HOMIES FOR LIFE ha ha I will not examine what this deep-seated drive for possession means. I want you and want to be with you but can't actually have you in a way that's socially acceptable. Ha ha. So I'll just have to show it to you using every other means I have.
Just. The way he bonks his helmet against Shane's. The way he tries to reassure Shane during the miserable episode 4 game against the Raiders, when he scoots up to Shane on the bench and goes "We'll get 'em, buddy. Little rust."
And then in episode 5 when Shane takes the hit from Marleau and you hear Hayden shout "MARLEAU YOU MOTHERFUCKER." On the footage you see Hayden fucking dropping his gloves and charging Marleau, and he's TINY and Marleau is HUGE, it's like a pomeranian trying to tackle a mastiff, but Hayden doesn't give a shit, you can't just do that to his best friend and savior, Hockey Jesus Shane Hollander!!!!
It's so stupid and also. SO devoted. Which is basically my catnip. I love a devoted dumbass, okay?? He's just the dumbest boy! He loves his wife he loves his kids he loves Shane Hollander, NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER.
mo: hayden voice every time they wear their stupid hockey uniforms: yay we've got matching outfits. ignore that everyone on the team wears them. i match with shane
And all of this is complicated by the fact that I genuinely don't think Hayden sexually desires men. He feels this deep aching love and possessiveness, like he'd 10000% hold hands with Shane and hug him while he cried and go to fucking war for him, but his dick is ZERO percent involved, which is deeply weird. Hayden has no model or framework for this specific feeling. He'd marry Shane, yeah, in a heartbeat, if by "marry" you mean "commit himself forever to an emotionally intimate relationship and look at Shane devotedly and think how he's the bestest most talented most specialest pony of all time."
And yet! No zing of sexual attraction. What can this mean??? The highest and purest form of love is like, what he has with Jacki, right? Like that's how the hierarchy goes? There's like, friends, and then the love you have for your family members, and then what you feel for your wife, where like you love her AND you wanna smooch her. But he has zero desire to smooch Shane, except like, maybe their souls can kinda smooch a little? Maybe? Or even better, melt together. That would be ideal.
mo: (hayden voice) ilya going to see shane in the hospital isnt gay id also sit by his bedside for hours holding his hand if he wanted me to thats just what being best friends is about (seething with unnameable jealousies)
Like it would be easier on Hayden if he were at least a little bisexual. It would make his feelings so much more legible!
mo: hayden determinedly trying to jerk off to men to be like let me see if i can make this work and then shane can properly join my marriage Candy: MO!!!!! Crying Candy: This is. This is the fucking mirror image of what SHANE has tried to do for the first 26 years of his life. "If I can deny my sexual desire for men this will Fix Me" Candy: I will defend to my dying breath that being deeply in love with Shane Hollander is the animating principle of Hayden Pike mo: it's an inspired approach from the show bc he wouldnt hold up a slightly painful mirror of unsatisfied heterosexuality to shane's every action if he was normal and fine Candy: Right! Shane needs two deeply weird men obsessed with him
Like, this helps explains the magnitude of Hayden's hostility towards Ilya, especially in The Long Game. Sure, some of it's the rivalry. Hayden buys into the media bluster, and the historic enmity between Montreal and Boston is for real real. But also. How DARE this cocky Russian asshole claim he's better than MY BEST FRIEND AND MOST BEAUTIFUL PONY AND ALSO HOCKEY JESUS SHANE HOLLANDER. It's giving Yuna going "how DARE he think he's better than you?" in episode 1.
And once Hayden finds out about Ilya and Shane, he's absolutely fucking heartbroken. He's shitty and catty and jealous like a jealous ex, except because he has no way of accurately and honestly parsing his feelings, he just tortures himself. He shouldn't feel this way! Shane's still his bestie! Shane hasn't broken up with him!
Why does he feel like dying anyway??????
I mean sure, here's this guy who can offer Shane everything he wants, unlike Hayden. That can't mean anything, right? Like, yeah, fine, Hayden's not enough for Shane. Hayden's not gay. That's only to be expected. It's not threatening or destabilizing at all. Hayden is fine! He is! It's just that Rozanov is such an asshole!!! God how dare Shane fall in love with someone who's nothing like Hayden!
(Let's ignore for the moment that if Shane had fallen for a Hayden clone he might actually feel worse, because he wouldn't even have the "Rozanov is an asshole" excuse for his deep-seated antipathy.)
Anyway. There is no straight explanation for Hayden Pike's devotion to Shane, except there sort of is, and therein lies the problem (for Hayden). Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.
mo: hayden, tortured: i like women. but also men ilya: yeah thats normal. me too. whats your problem hayden: no you dont understand. separately
