Girl in the middle of no where

My name is lya and normal people scare me.

[unknownlia99]

Knot in my mess

I feel like I am going to explode. This is my second note in 5 minutes. I am suspended from my job which gladly I am taking this opportunity to read and write and watch.

I am writing my new book but after reaching part 2, I don't know what to do. I lack structure and order in my life. I loved how messy and chaotic my life is. However, career wise? Mhm no.

I read once that feeling angry is just us disguising another emotion we would feel vulnerable exposing. Mainly fear.

But what else is new? I have been terrified my entire life it's becoming my own pride flag.

I am also disgusted by men.

Talk about a shift from being straight for almost 24 years until I met the girl that changed everything including my sexuality.

What am I doing now exactly in my life?

Feeding my anxiety. And watching Euphoria.

I know I am late. But I watched the first episode years ago and I wasn't ready for it I guess as something made me feel uncomfortable.

I hate social media even though if I was fluent in the algorithm and with a bit of confidence I would have made millions by now.

But Tumblr has always been my favorite sanctuary.

I believe I lost all my vocabulary and facny words. I thought it's because I stopped writing for a while and I haven't been reading much in the past two years but now that I am on track again...

I think it's because I am vaping too much.

I want to stop.

Btw my new book is sapphic. My girl is my new muse.

[unknownlia99]

It's been awhile...

I can't find my own voice anymore.

It has been stolen by the fear of me coming out and away.

I did feel safe that the words I am producing are not mine, just my thoughts.

I was against it all... to sound so machine-like.

Modified by AI, a scam to my partner, a decent runaway to not let go of my anger as I am hearing the snoring of my grandmother.

My ex-country is at war, again. People mistaking it for a freedom.

I hate it here.

I have a new name for a new identity but I can't use it scared of the legal procedures of it.

I am tired of being kept in one room. My phone is the only access I have to talk to my girlfriend.

I want to wife her btw.

I am gay.

I think.

[unknownlia99]

7 Nov '23

I did it on 7th of nov. Parked aside. Adrenaline rush. Even thinking about it now, makes my heartbeat going wild.

I called him. After all these attempts. I did it eventually and we talked and things held promises. (empty hollow ones, I should have known better after all these years of knowing him)

The coffees. The Neros. The froggy keychain and the xmas water bottle.

How he said he can change. How he confirmed that we are soulmates.

The morning, evening calls on the way to and from work. Even at the gym.

We were together after so long.

But he was right. I don't know him that well.

We fought. He disappeared. I disappeared.

He texted 16th of Dec. But nothing went back to the way it was before the fight on Friday.

Nothing lasts forever. As T.S said it. Wildest Dreams.

So many songs I decided to be delusional and say they were played for me.

Space Song from my side. Lama Shofuk.

Back to December on his. Quooli. Lama Tkooni.

His lips. His kiss. His smell. Everything he did before the fight to display a change. The "I missed you." Twice.

I don't know. He is manipulating to get whatever he wants to get.

I am confused. I am not confused. I am bored. I am tired. I am writing this book about him finally. About us. After all these years.

Maybe I will call it, After all these years?

[unknownlia99]

Simple is how rules can be bent by the self when carelessness is the muse

Simple is how hard it might feel when stuck on replay but your button doesn’t work

Simple is what made it complex when simple meant never to be perfect 

Simple is how words float in mind and melt in saliva 

My simple was always their hard and my hard was their simple

Am I so naive at this simplicity or complexity made me too stupid for plain simple?

I earn what I learn by rephrasing words since the memories of past lessons flashes somewhere above me

I am never interested in what they consume, I am interested in what’s left undiscovered

I strive to prove my self but when you like your competitors you feel like you want to stay in the shadows 

I never edit, I just save and forget about it

How many personas I created for the sake of fame but I left them as I indulged in self-pity and excuses 

It is not for me, I ruined my passion and I ruined my career so I looked at something else that wasn’t mine in the first place

I changed and jumped from one place to another, from friends to lovers, the south and the north, strangers to forever

I never stopped growing but I am too tired to stay old

Young was my call, to be kept at home, playing with dolls, worrying about boys

My body off the shore of my mind, and then mirror started to become appealing but never pleased to see me

The simplicity turned me into a monster of complexity and my demons were afraid and gone at last

How can I win a war against some perfect me that does not exist but its there to destroy me?

My music is a playlist of femme bands and I lied my way through feminism 

Your books, your films, your videos and messages corrupted my principles and altered the truth of my identity 

Your simple kept me hungry and never satisfied

Once I reached the coming of age era I desired nothing as I found nothing to capture as special

I was wowed, always on edge, and yet the view was a proof that my earth was flat as much as yours

-Alya H.

[unknownlia99]

Dear little me,

we changed a-lot. I am no longer the same excited yet depressed girl with cool inner world.

I am a regular human. I really believed I was something special. But life just dull you out and ground you to earth.

maybe it was my choices, the people, the destruction and sabotaging I aimed at when I was a teenager, it all accumulated to this.

I miss my childhood and the puberty phase deeply. Nothing is adding up to be labeled as worth remembering memories.

I am engaged now. After a five years old of toxic relationship that I described as perfect in my last posts - ha, the naivety - We broke up finally. He let me go, O. And after that, I jumped into another loop hole with all kind of shitty, betrayal and drama. I didn’t know what was waiting me at the end, I just went with the flow of it all. So I ended up getting engaged to Mj, the guy who got me into the loop hole. He is my fiancé, I do adore him. Even though our engagement was all brief rush to sort things before him and I head to the city I fucking hate.

I am now back at my mother’s house. I didn't think I will go back, but thats what I get from quitting my first official job back in 2021 and going back to my home country doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. Maybe just committing to gymming, getting fit, partially getting rid of my eating disorder. I did my Ielts exam though, didn’t study and got 4 lessons as an aid, got 7 for a final score. So I got rid of my exam fright that made me give up all these years. Turned out to be easier than I thought.

I am now studying masters because my BA turned out to worth almost equal to shit if you don’t have the passion and motivation to write a script for a film.

So engaged, MA applied psychology and on the 26th of January 2023, my first book “contradictions of a chain smoker” got published worldwide.

so maybe some areas you are proud of me and some you are not, little Lya. I know you wanted us to become famous writers in London. Maybe more independent. But I feel like nothing can define me anymore. I am having hard time finishing books in contrast when I was on prozac, fucking sexy skinny 49KG and reading even while going down on the electric escalator.

However, last year, with my steam account, I did feel the rush of playing games. I was young again, no responsibilities. I am also going into Counselling sessions at the university. I am regressing a lot too. like youtube videos of gameplays of everything you could think of us from our childhood, in addition to horror games.

please please please, future me, whatever your name is, when i come back and read this all over again in couple of upcoming years, please find your nostalgic self. Please fall in love with what got us occupied and creative.

Do something….

[unknownlia99]

No need for complexity. Mindless Coffee Talk is where you can shut down your brain cells and listen - or don't- mindlessly with me. Let's talk about anything while sipping our favorite coffee drink and let the flow of everything we have in mind melt into nothingness.

[unknownlia99]

if you like the sims.. ESPECIALLY SIMS 2 and you like fucked towns... here you go

[unknownlia99]

[unknownlia99]

If you are an only child, this one is for you! The struggle is real, people!

[unknownlia99]

Grab your coffee or hot coco and let us talk.

we need a push to start facing our fears and insecurities. We are strong enough, and this is a proof of how something as scary and hard as it is, it could be turned into a challenge to boost things up.

[unknownlia99]

Mia’s Mood

what I feel right now is having a glass of Mia singeria the Spanish fruity wine red or white I don't mind I just need to sip it on this very summery night. I feel like being the next Carrie Bardshow from sex and the city, where I am writing for a living and preparing to hang out with my girlfriends, listening to some crappy band, any band really, and wearing some expensive shoes, or just maybe watch an Audrey Hepburn movie or any French 50′s movie.

Anything to let go of the passion and red energy that is capturing my aura.

this is such a rare happiness that I feel all my life but never talk about it out loud. this is my secret mood, my special bonding with life and my only connection with my positive feelings.

I changed for good, even I can say that about myself which I never do, but everything has changed and I don't know what is the reason.

is it love? my current relationship that by next month I will be celebrating being for two years with the same guy - something that never happened before- 

is it my major? that I found my passion and I am enjoying everything involving studying or making or or or...??

is it the voice of Eva Cassidy ?

is it my goal to become an artist and challenge myself even though am still hesitating ?

is it my demands of still going to yoga even though I didn't feel comfortable much the last two session and in the past I consider such thing an accident as a sign to run away ?

[unknownlia99]

Nostalgic for the world that belonged to me

I feel the same inner peace I felt when I got my first own pink laptop and I started to discover my own world, my favorite series, my writing routine here and everywhere else that I felt comfortable sharing my life in, I am now 20 years old and I still have the habit of surrounding myself with my own things that would create my world, a digital world, a fake one, a childish, any name that would describe what I am doing right now.

which is preparing my new laptop to be the holder of my secrets and my upcoming art and novel.  I don't think anyone would understand this inner peace of typing on a common machine and feel this powerful.  

[unknownlia99]

Amber is a depressed teenage girl living with her dad in a small town. Amber's world change the minute she discovers that she has half-sister.. Violate. Life throw another harsh incident in amber's world.... again

[unknownlia99]

when things change....

and when i was this close to make my dreams come true, everything blow up in my face and i came back to the misery that i thought i will get out soon but no i came back to it and you know what ? i made a mess about it and then i talked to Ze my bff and i accept it by looking to the bright sight

i mean who knows what life is hiding for me, it could be a surprise or a great opportunity 

i am not going to my dream school i will stay in my old one but different place (long story) and again if something happen the opposite way you want just go talk to someone that make you feel good and say those two words " who knows? " 

[unknownlia99]

Drama part two

why having my ex back made me depressed ??

why watching a little bit of heaven made me cry ????

why i am imagining that i will have a cancer when i am older and no one gonna love me ???

why i am too emotional !!!??? 

i cant believe that one guy and one movie could change my mood and change my day, so am just so weak ??? just like that... great !

i miss my mom and i cant sleep and i am checking my phone every ten minutes, and  again nothing made sense any more 

i have alot of homework and i am too lazy to hold a pen 

i am watching 90210 a show that i dont like but i do nowwww

i mean whyyyy that wont change make my life as young adult better ???? 

and i want it to rain so i can feel something i don't know what is it 

fuck my life 

[unknownlia99]

Relationshit & Friednshit ( Advices and tips )

I am totally done with friendships and relationships !!!!!!!

they should call it FRIENDSHIT - RELATIONSHIT 

am gonna stick to  this from now own :

1-you fight a lot and they call it normal whether it's in relationship or friendship well NOT TRUE people like this are asdfghjkl !!! 

2-a guy/girl playing the game of unblocked-blocked you should fuck them off and delete their number !!! they're just playing 

3-you argue with someone and IT'S THEIR FAULT and they refuse to apologize or ACT like they didn't do anything well burn them on the STICK like witches (AHS ideas)

4-your best friend argue with you over a guy or she told you something about him and you didn't have time to read the text because of something and she make a BIG FREAKING DEAL about it, take some acid and throw it in their eyes !!! (AHS ideas)

5-Fake Friends ????? GO TO HELL

6- friends who want to win you back again by trying to make you jealous or act like a bitch and not their self at all ??? press the button ignore people who rlyyy wants you will talk to you immediately 

7- if someone you love get out of your life by their own will, TRUST ME they will do it again and they won't come and give that hope up cuz if they rly love you they wont leave in the first place 

i truly understand people who like books more than people or lonely people, they have my respect 

[unknownlia99]

Basic girl vs. Me

Basic girl : you are my sun my moon and all my stars

Me : you are my chips my cupcakes and my pizza