Unrooted

"you can choose courage or you can choose comfort. but you cannot have both." -brene brown

[unrooted]

Dear 18 year old me.

If I could go back 10 years there is so much I would say...

January 2010.

You are 18 years old and half-way through your freshman year of college at CCU. Basketball feels like your world, because it is most of the time. What you don’t know is that after this year you are going to give it up - it will be the hardest decision you have made at this point, but it is the right one and even when it doesn’t feel like it things will be okay. That decision is one that will actually change the trajectory of these next 10 years drastically.

You will get basketball back in a sweet and unexpected way when you coach high school girls next year - this happens because you are a Young Life leader. As it turns out, Young Life is more than a fake youth group for bad kids, and in just 6 ½ years you will find yourself passionately working full time for this beautiful organization. Basketball is still your first love and you get tastes of it now and then - watching your high school girls play, coaching middle school boys, and the rare occasion you play on your own.

Because you aren’t playing basketball next year you will find an entire new group of friends (hint: it’s a bunch of girls that don’t like and are scared of you right now…). Those friends will be the real ones, the ones who stick, the ones you will live with, travel the world, learn from, the ones that become more like family than friends. Embrace those friendships, let your walls down, stop judging people and don’t be so mean in intramurals! Those friends will teach you about community- how to find it, build it, sustain it and those lessons will carry you for years to come.

Also because there is no basketball you will spend a semester studying abroad in Mukono, Uganda. Those 4 months will wreck you in so many ways, but the journey won’t end after that. That will be just the start of a long lasting love for Uganda and the people you build relationships with. You will dedicate lots of time, money, energy & love into that place and those relationships. You will learn how much you have been trying to keep God in your safe, comfortable, privileged box and for the next 9 years we will spend time re-learning and re-building who God really is.

A handful of boys will come and go these next 10 years, but none of them stick around too long. Take chances, let yourself be vulnerable, but trust who you are. You are going to learn SO much about yourself these next 10 years - like your deep love for traveling, the fact that you are capable of running 13 miles at one time, your voice matters, onions aren’t as bad as you thought, you really like being on stage in front of people, concerts are one of your favorite hobbies, you’re passionate about empowering marginalized people, being an aunt is your favorite role, you are more capable than you usually believe, and so much more. You probably didn’t think you would still be single when you are 28, but you are! And you love it!! You’ve built an amazing community of people who make this season of life your favorite one yet. Don’t let the world make you think you’re behind schedule, because you are building and living the life you always dreamed of.

You’re 18 and you think you have life figured out, but I promise you don’t. Stop sleeping in your classes - they matter more than you think (and aren’t cheap!). Keep saying yes to all of the adventures, and invite people along with you. Don’t worry so much about what you are supposed to do with your life...you have no clue, and that’s okay. You will change your mind a lot over the next few years and end up doing work that you never imagined and it will be so life giving. Be kind to your body - exercise outside of sports exists and is great and doesn’t have to be punishment. Travel every chance you can get - you will head to 15+ different countries in the next 10 years and every single one shapes the woman you are. Your parents are way cooler than you realized, take all the time you can get with them. You are more than just an athlete - this one takes time for you to learn, but when you do it will be sweet. Your worth & value has nothing to do with how many three pointers you make in a game or your season record and everything to do with who God says you are. You are awesome and the more you realize that the more you freedom you live in!

Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous. Be yourself, kid.

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21 - SOLITUDE.

I really like people. Always have, and hopefully always will. Because of this strong piece of my personality I rarely seek out time to be alone. Given the choice of people or solitude I choose people 99.9% of the time. In my mind people = fun and alone = sad, but gosh that is so wrong. The last year or so I have really started to realize the value and importance of solitude. I have wrestled with the meaning of rest for a while and trying to figure out what really is restful for me. People are life-giving, but that doesn’t necessarily mean restful. I have been told, witnessed, and even experienced for myself the important role solitude plays in our lives. We need time alone. Quiet, uninterrupted, calm, intentional time. And this, in my opinion, is so countercultural to everything we know and live on a regular basis. We are taught to do more, be busy, fill our time and space, and that leads to productivity, success, and happiness. But does it really? I think in a lot of ways we don’t even know how to have true solitude - even if we are alone we (or at least I) typically distract ourselves with tv, internet, work, social media, etc. We have all the resources ever to fully occupy our brains at all times of the day. But I think we are suffering because of that. This year I slowly creeped into intentionally choosing solitude, and it has made a world of difference. I have given myself space to just be, think, dream, sleep, listen and so much more. In that space and time I have chosen to be with Jesus - but not necessarily by reading or listening or seeing something - just being. It is hard, especially for someone who is extroverted, and somewhat scared to be alone, but I think it is worth it. I’m trusting the process and making this a continued priority in my life this year and would love for you to join in.

[unrooted]

20. We are all creative. 

For the longest time I have associated the word creative with artistic. People who paint and draw and act and sing, those are the creative people. I’m not artistic, so have always thought I am also not creative - which has been a struggle to grasp, because there is something in me that I think craves creativity. But that’s the thing, we are all creative. It doesn’t matter if you are Picaso or have the coloring abilities of a kindergartener, we are all creative but simply express it differently. After all, if we are made in the image of God, the one who created everything, then we have to be creative right? Don’t put this word, or yourself, in a box. Figure out what it is that makes you creative - what you do differently or imaginatively, and do that! Create. Because the world needs more of that.

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19. Be loyal, but stay true.

I think i have learned that i am fiercely loyal. i suppose i’ve been that way for a while, but just now started to notice it. Kendrick Lamar says it well, “I got loyalty, got royalty inside my DNA” - that rings so true to me. And it really is a beautiful thing, being loyal. Until it isn’t. What if you are loyal to something or someone that you maybe shouldn't be? What if being loyal means sacrificing who you are? “unswerving allegiance" isn’t something that should just be passed around ya know? I found myself in some situations this past year that felt like i was clinging on, when the better or more healthy choice was to let go. I was giving up pieces of myself in order to stay loyal to others, and that wasn’t good for anyone involved. It took me a while to realize that the life and passions inside of me were being squelched by the loyalty i had placed somewhere it didn’t belong anymore. So, I started to let go, and slowly but surely I gained those pieces of myself back. Maybe even stronger than before. So, yes be loyal. To the people and things that have earned and deserve it give your unswerving allegiance, but make sure you are staying true to yourself and don’t compromise that for the sake of loyalty.

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18) Life can be hard, but Jesus is still good.

I’m sure life has always been hard, but I don’t think it has been until the last few years of my life that my eyes have been opened to the tragedy that takes place around me. I got a phone call earlier this year from one of my best friends whose mom had just passed away. It was one of the hardest conversations I have probably ever had - one of those moments where words just didn’t seem to suffice. But I will never forget that phone call, because as we were talking my friend made the statement “God is good.” To be honest I really didn’t get it or why he would say that in such a tough moment, but he really did believe it. In the midst of heartbreak and mourning the only thing carrying him was the truth that God was still good in the midst of it all. And he is so right. Life is so stinking hard sometimes - death, injustice, trauma, sickness, and so much more are all too real, but Jesus is still good. His strength and and trust and faith in that moment is forever engrained in my mind and something I will truly cling to when the weight of this world feels too heavy to carry.

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#17 say yes - unless you need to say no.

I love saying yes. I am a strong believer that life is all about a series of invitations - ones we offer and ones that are offered to us - and I think the greatest adventures lie on the other side of saying yes. So, I have made a habit out of saying yes, trusting that the adventure will be worth it. If saying yes is difficult or stretching for you, then I seriously encourage the practice of doing it more often. But this year I have also learned the value in learning how to say no. Last year was one of the busiest of my life. I worked a couple of jobs, was a full-time grad student, ran a college ministry at my church, was a young life leader, and also really loved my friends. I was doing so much, and the thing was it was all stuff I loved that felt life giving at the time, but I also found myself tired and burnt out this time last year. So, as I was transitioning into a new season of life I decided to practice saying no. It can be hard at times, but I have learned how much of my value I find in pleasing others - and the reality is that my people still love and appreciate me just as much if I don’t do those things. I still love to say yes, but I have started to figure out when and where to say no and how to find the healthy balance.

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16 - Don’t let your mind speak louder than your heart.

I was having dinner with some friends the other night and one of them was telling me a beautiful story of an encounter she had with the Lord that was really impactful. She said to me “your soul knows what it needs” and I love that. I don’t really like to think about things- not in a ditzy girl way, but more in a way that I like to follow my feelings. I am just starting to learn that about myself, because I think for the longest time I didn’t trust my heart - I could think my way out of or into anything. But there is a line in a song that says “Don’t let your mind speak louder than your heart” and I think there is a lot of value in that. My soul knows what it needs, and my heart is trustworthy, so why do I question that? I know thinking is good and there is for sure a balance, but this year I am hoping to listen to my heart a little bit closer and trust that my soul knows what it needs.

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15.  When given the chance you should always dance.

I’ve never really understood the people that say “i can’t dance” - like, just move your body. There is something wonderfully freeing about not caring what you look like to anyone else, but letting the music or sound or simply life move your body. It happens to me at concerts, on road trips, anytime I’m with my best friends, occasionally in a store, and just about any and all the time. Don’t hold back, don’t let other peoples’ opinions stop you, forget your skill level and take every chance to dance your little heart out.

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#14 - EAT MORE TACOS.

This doesn’t feel like it really needs any explanation…

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13. Seek Diversity.

I found this in my journal from just over a year ago - it was what I felt like the Lord was speaking to me at the time…

“Kelsey, these people are too much like you. You’re missing out on a piece of me - I want you to know me & that happens by knowing my people. All my people - not just the ones like you, not just the easy ones. The hard ones, the different ones, the unexpected ones. They will teach you who I am. FIND them. MEET them. KNOW them. That is how you will know me.”

That sort of wrecked me and was the cry of my heart for a while, but to be honest I didn’t really know where to start. How do you just get friends that are different than what you have always known?? But it is happening. And wouldn’t you know it, I feel like I know God more and better than I ever have.

Every day I go to work I get to be a part of a beautifully diverse team - in age, race, background, etc. They have taught me so much that I could have never learned on my own. Every day I go to the school I am at I get a glimpse of what I think the Kingdom is - we have 70+ nationalities within those walls and it is incredible. Not always easy, but worth it for sure.

It’s not easy though. You really do have to seek this out, especially if you are like me and have grown up in middle class white suburbs and it doesn’t come natural. But please believe me when I say that you will be a better person, a more full person, when you begin to surround yourself with people that aren’t like you. You learn about them, about yourself, about God and about life - it is absolutely changing my life.

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12 - Relationships are like poker.

Someone said this to me this year, and while I don’t know a whole lot about poker I think it’s true. We hold our cards tight, make our wages and you decide how much you want to risk. At some point you just have to make the choice, without knowing if you will win, to show your hand. It’s about being vulnerable and deciding to trust and taking risks. It can be scary and unknown and hard and so many things, but you are in complete control and get to decide what that risk looks like for you.

“the riskiest things always yield the best most beautiful things.” shauna neiquist

beautiful photo credit: Chelsea Fishman

amazing meal credit: Gail Cummins

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11. Journal.

I know some people say they aren’t into journaling, but I highly recommend it. I’ve spent some time recently reading back through some old journals and it is amazing to get to reflect on the growth that has taken place. To see the places your dreams and goals have come true and the way God has moved and answered prayers. It is such a gift to be reminded of where you have been to truly appreciate where you are now.

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#10 - love yourself.

If you know me at all, then you probably know that I love Justin Bieber. And while the whole song may not be what I’m going for, I do think the line “you should go and love yourself” is really really true. The thing is I’ve never really struggled loving other people - it seems almost natural. But myself? That seems way harder. I know my flaws and pitfalls and judge myself harder than anyone else. The reality though is that I don’t think I can fully love others if I can’t fully love myself. We gotta stop being so hard on ourselves and comparing ourselves to everyone else and learning to love ourselves. Just as we are.

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#9 - Quality costs and it’s worth it.

I invested in a North Face vest and I think it changed my life. I know that sounds super dramatic, but here’s the thing…I have always been the person to go for the cheapest option available. Why spend $100 on a vest when I could get one that looks the same at Old Navy for $15?? But then I wore one, and realized the quality was drastically different. So, I started to spend more money on things and all of a sudden I realize that quality over quantity is a real thing. Quality costs, but it is worth it! And not just clothes - I think the same is true for alcohol and relationships and coffee and all of life. Buy the more expensive alcohol and you will actually enjoy the taste. Buy clothes and shoes that will last you more than one season before falling apart. Skip the keurig and go for the crafted coffee. Give up fake and easy relationships for ones that are harder but life giving. Choose quality.

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8. Learning never stops.

I finished graduate school in October. It felt like a pretty huge accomplishment, especially for a girl who doesn’t really like school. I thought for sure that the end of grad school meant the end of learning (or at least homework), but boy was I wrong.

I have spent the last 6 months learning more than ever and yes even having more homework. The homework piece comes with the overload of training I have received since coming on Young Life staff - but what a gift those trainings have been. I have stepped into a space to learn about emotional health, racial identity, and cultural intelligence - and that is considered work.

But I have realized that regardless of what your job is the learning never really ends, or at least it shouldn’t. If you desire to grow in life, then learning is required and thankfully there is an endless amount of information in this world for us to continually learn. I felt burnt out on school, and some days think homework is the last thing I want to do in my life, but I’m figuring out how to embrace it and be grateful for the knowledge and experiences.

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7. Know your people.

it has been a year full of ups and downs, but the one thing that has remained constant through it all has been my people. i have learned so much the importance of knowing who the people in my life are that i can call in any given circumstance.

there were seasons of anticipation and excitement and i knew who the people were that would stand next to me in that place and allow me to be excited. there were times of stress and seasons of unknowns and once again i knew who i could go to that would encourage me and remind me that it was all in God’s hands. there were times of hurt and you better believe i knew the people i could just sit and cry to. no words necessary. there were seasons of fear, hurt, doubt and all those lovely emotions and yes, i knew the people who would replace those with truth and love and life. the highs and lows have all been matched by people fully capable and willing to step in and be exactly what i needed. if you don’t have these people, you gotta find them. knowing who these ones were have made a world of difference in how i do life.

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#6 - Ask.

I had dinner with a friend and her mom recently and at one point her mom made the comment, “the answer is always no unless you ask.” In that moment she so perfectly said what I had been feeling and learning for a couple of months.

Part of my job is fundraising for South Denver Young Life and you better believe there aren’t just people lined up at my house handing money over because they think I need it, but you would also be amazed by how incredibly generous people are with their finances when you ask them to partner with you in something. I wouldn’t have any money for ministry if I couldn’t first ask people for it.

I had a conversation recently about James 1: 5 - If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you - in which I confessed I wasn’t sure the last time I had honestly asked God for wisdom. I ask for a lot of things on a regular basis, but wisdom wasn’t one of them and yet this verse is so clear about it. So, I started. And truly it has made such a difference in the way I approach things, situations and even the Lord.

I could go on forever about the value of asking in a million different situations, but I won’t.

Ask God. Ask friends. Ask strangers. Just start asking.