MEESH & SABRINA

meesh lives in NYC, sabrina lives in appleton, WI. one day we will reunite in the middle.

[until-ontario]

so the first thing i wrote for you a few days ago got deleted. but it was about how warm i feel. i just felt constantly warm and like all of my atoms were buzzing and i wonder if he sometimes just thinks of me too and starts beaming or if he would get a text from me in class and grinned like an idiot. and it was just so fantastically stupid. 

and now im crashing and burning and i feel constantly sick and kinda like crying, but i dont really cry so it just feels like this suffocating ball of pain and fear and uncertanty in my throat. and i feel like i shouldn’t have ever said anything at all because i REALLY dont know what im doing. and i realized that when it comes to my personal like shit, im a quitter. when things get too painful i just shut down. i dont want to be a quitter. and all this crap that i never had to deal with is rushing back to me and its making me think about like my future and how if i could ever deal with a relationship and its all just freaking me out. and i hate it because guess what, im a person with baggage. im a girl with fucking daddy issues and i hate that. and i cannot bring myself to make that another persons problem. and i just have NO idea how to act around him. its amazingly crippling. like i can buy drugs from a random dude in walgreens but i cant fucking communicate with or interact with a boy i like who might like me too. i am so paranoid about doing something wrong because i know the repercussions i guess? and everyone can be so honest and vulnerable and are just like lalala here i am and i just physically cant do that. Like I subconsciously scrutinize everything I do and I’m afraid of I don’t even know. cuz i cant just exist i think about everything and their ramifications and what could happen and what everything means and says about people and relations and its just too much. and its freaking me out. esp when im with him and our friends i like dont know how to act because i dont know what he considers anything to be or if hes said anything to anyone or if he cares of ppl know (know what? we arent even an anything??) so i dont wanna like do anything obvious and i wanna just act normal but i dont know how to do that and i feel like im ignoring him or acting weird  and i just dont know what to do with myself and its driving me crazy because i always know what to do. like i feel so dumb about buying him those stickers and just thats so dumb!!! what the fuck. is happening. i really dont think i can do this. And it’s not just this specific thing cuz irl stakes aren’t that high, it’s like bigger picture my psyche of whatever and I just. And I kinda know where it’s coming from and what some of it is but it’s also this like shadowy mystery to me and I just don’t know what to do.

and i keep having these terrible and/or super weird dreams about him and they're always like either i really dont like something about him or he gets very cold and like theyre just always so terrible. except in one where he kinda sucked we like had a telekinetic link and it was weird and the dream was like so pleasant but horrible at the same time and x.x

and im at work and its SO stressful and terrible and i feel like bursting into tears. i dont think i’ve ever felt like this or this unsure or manic or anything ever in my life. 

-sabrina

[until-ontario]

For you to remember:

1. You're everything he could ever want but people are self absorbed and have their own issues and that clouds even the best things in life. 2. He just got out of a really messy relationship and you don't know the details and he's about to leave and any feelings he has might be too painful or confusing and it's just easier to shut it down. It's childish but easier. 3. He's pretty insecure and that's not on you. You're mature and developing 💃💃💃 into a strong confident adult and there are gonna be a lot of people around you who can't keep up. 4. People are fragile and selfish and you will meet a lot of people in life who may be really cool and amazing but they can also be fragile and selfish too. But don't forget that there are also people who have the strength to face and work through their problems and are secure enough to love and deserve someone like you. 5. You just started college and just turned 18. Don't forget that what's happening now is just the start. You have so much more to look forward to and just because things are changing right now in amazing ways doesn't mean it will all change at once. Give yourself some time. You're too mature for the usual bullshit and will have to wait to meet a guy who will be dope af and have his own goals and ambitions and agenda. And he'll know what he wants, and that will be you, and he'll be okay with that and find a way to fit you into his life because he wants you to be a part of it. 6. Again, you're young, and learning. You don't need to get everything right on the first few tries. Don't let it sour how you see anything, relationships or otherwise, in your future. 7. I'm so proud of the woman you're becoming and I'm so proud to know you and call you my closest friend, and soulmate. I love you so much and I will never tire of reminding you of how amazing you are. 8. Speaking of soulmates; it's amazing that we met and that we lived so close and look at where we are now. This applies to romantic life too. I will always love you so much, Sabrina

[until-ontario]

This Evening was Lovely

NP - Wilhelms Scream, James Blake

Time - 2:17am (Central Time)

So the last time we talked I was in in Thomas and Dad (Tylor)'s room with some people hanging out. I went to the cafe to buy food for sussie and say hi to cathryn and people. then i went to the library to watch Peeping Tom for film class. I'm almost done, still haven't finished. 

kobe came to library and ended up watching my stuff for me cuz...

at around 7 i walked to warch for gay dinner date with wouter and lil sean (sean goldman, it's just his nickname). anmol came with because he needed friends to sit with and it was fine. dinner was good, i saw and talked to people however THE RED VELVET CUPCAKES WERE GONE AND I DIDNT GET ONE AND APPARENTLY THEY WERE PERFECT AND MOIST. 

anyway i talked to a lot of guys in the percussions studio which was really nice, they are going to indianapolis for a conference and I got to talk to this guy robert who i think is really cool but i never really get to talk to him. 

i left dinner to go to a jazz combos concert. there were 5 combos. they went backwards in skill level so the best combo (combo 1) went last. so there's this guy in combo 2, sam pratt. who i told you about... recap: he plays tenor sax and i saw him play in a jazz jam sesh that happened after combo 1 had a casual concert and hes AMAZING. anyway turns out we met when i was a prospie at admitted students weekend and that was my first chance to talk to him and now we're friends i think.... back to present. 

michelle. he just. i cannot explain to you how he plays. he makes love to that instrument. he's so passionate and like in his element and in control and all i can think about when he plays is how he just could eat the pants off a girl. after his solos i was literally wet. his saxophone just makes him delicious and he's very tall and dark shaggy haired and wow. 

then jazz combo 1 played and they are just superb. my friend will fraser (who touches me a lot, but he has a gf who i love and adore and who pecks me on the mouth because we just do) plays alto saxophone and he also is an incredible player. he is so in his element but in a different like sad longing but like not sad sad way. like sigh life just has content sadness type of sad. when he plays, it feels like falling in love. not like falling in love with  him personally, just the way his sax croons is what i imagine falling in love feels like. they also played a piece he composed and it was just incredible and i would love to marry someone who could compose music because its just un feat incroyable. tonight, and sometimes this school in general, really reminds me of the power of music. 

also jack played in the first combo and i can tell with a lot of practice and dedication (which he has) hes gonna be a great jazz guitarist. also i love watching musicians do their crazy dance jigs while they play, especially guitarists and pianists. its just so precious to me. its such a pure and uncontrollable action of joy and harmony (GET IT) sigh. 

afterwards (around 9:30) i went to my final CORE meeting for this term. it was chill, we ate donuts and my core group is like weird but i dig em. my cute core dude is growing a hippy ponytail. ha. sigh. ha. 

then i finally walked back to the library which was perfect timing because kobe was about to leave so we walked out together and he is very amazed that i know so many people and it's really just dawning on me how much of a people person i am. i also made a new friend, tom. then kobe and i both went to art house. also while we were walking i said something about being confident in himself as a joke and shit got real and kobe said he wasnt and i realized that my ease that ive been feeling is confidence? maybe? i just know that at some point i just STOPPED CARING. and it's been so beautiful and freeing. i dont have half the general anxiety i just realizedi felt a lot in high school and even though im not like 100% happy with like my body for example, it doesnt feel like such a burden. it just is. i just accepted that things just are and its been so freeing and comfortable. anyway i was saying this to kobe as i realized it and it was a great feeling. i think kobe and i are gonna hang out a lot over break while hes in dc. anyway we went to art house so that noah could proofread kobe's paper and  so that i could practice french with jake (MY ORAL EXAM IS AT 9 AM AAAAHHH) and it was just nice. i think im gonna get a pair of creepers. like the classic black ones. i was wearing jakes and wow i want a pair. i feel like the way i dress reflects who i'm beckoning? idk. but i want them really badly. also i of course had some nice interactions with noah. he's working on this incredible selfportrait that i love. i was actually speechless. it's like this drawn outline of him that hes stacking these cardboard pieces with paper monted on it with drawn pieces of detialing and its just so beautiful and wow. i spoke french with jake for a while and tomorrow shouldnt be too bad. then i tried and did more work. ridley finally finished his art paper and came down and was happy. ridley is such an emotive person, i love just watching him. there were a lot of people in art house actually. towards the end (like midnight) i ended up just talking to willa for hours, i really like her. and then noah went to bed and willa and i talked more and then me sarah ridley and willa watched a few funny videos and sarah went to bed. and then me ridley and willa just like hung out and talked for a while and they convinced me that i would feel better walking home (which thank god isnt far from art house) and im glad they did and i just cant wait to be close with a lot of people in that house. anyway im home and happy and content even though i didnt finish all my film homework. i love you mucho and i just feel very happy and content with who i am at the moment and my life right now. 

all my love, 

sabrina

p.s. did you know the term "talking to" ? like when two people like eachother and it's like the pre-dating/hookup phase or something. but its basically like commited flirting because you're aware of their interest? idk its hard to explain, but i think i might be talking to noah but i have no idea what im doing or what to do and yea... and it's like part of me can feel if someone likes me but i instantly reject that it is happening because it usually doesnt or whatever and its not good... 

okay. 

also on a content but like its kinda sucky (like its weird even bad shit that happens i still stay so like weirdly content with my own life idk) is that a lot of my friends are making romantic strides and i'm still in this weird vacuum of amorous relationships. and it's like fine? but at the same time not? its hard to explain how i feel about it? it's like a doomed acceptance? doomed is a dramatic word but thats how i cant best explain it. like a cow about to be slaughtered just accepts it and is at peace; i viscerally feel like i wont ever have or end up in a relationship of any kind and i've just peacefully accepted it. like i dont feel anything about it really, it just is. everything just is. 

p.p.s last song to play before sleep - a case of you (cover), james blake

[until-ontario]

A LOT OF THINGS HAPPENED TONIGHT IN SUCCESSION

but it's probably not that weird. 

so

(lil backtory: wouter loves to touch or cup my butt and/or stick his finger up my buttcrack. the gays are really in violation of a lot) 

1. Aako and I were getting ready to leave while i was finishing some flashcards and he was putting on his socks (because he was playing barefoot) and he like medium-pressurely bopped my butt with his sock and said something like "ha im wouter" or something just i just kinda half smiled/half smirked at him because i just had NO concept of what to do and tried to break the tension by like saying the singsongy "wooooter" thing. idk. didnt handle it great 

2. he just like as he was getting ready doing something with his belt like rebuckling it but it was while we were talking and i just had a really hard time looking him in the eye and not at his penis and he was just maintaining too much eyecontact (to be fair i did maybe undress kind of in front of him but it was 4 am on a saturday and dark and we all needed sleep and i needed his shirt for pajamas) 

3. he is just sometimes very close to me which is actually really nice but at some point he like came to the piano where i was standing and he came right up next to me and my hand was like resting on the edge of the piano so he/i brushed like right where the like lower stomach turns into genitals and he just looked at me kinda and i didnt know what to do and slowly moved my hand away while talking as not to draw attention to it.

BUT THEN 

4. we were talking about like religion and like bigger things and he said something about loving his girlfriend so H A L T. 

5. w h a t.

6. W H A T?!?! 

7. DO YOU SEE HOW THIS IS CONFUSING AND WEIRD? BECAUSE THEN

8. gave me a HUGE goodbye hug and kinda lifted me up and wouldnt let go and 

9. do you see my problem here?

10. im gonna talk to wouter about it tomorrow. im sweatin this french test. 

- a very confused and sexually frustrated sabrina 

PS. he's a virgin so its not like hes just being a lil whore and seducing me/tryna cheat on his gf so i need to know whatsup with that. 

kbye.

[until-ontario]

SO CUBA GOALS POST

my music theory went into a brief spiel in the middle of theory class about his visit to Cuba and his visit to Egypt (?) where he stayed with nomadic Bedouin tribes. He started talking about all of these things because in these cultures, they're so used to playing music in 7 or 9 instead of 4 and if you start to understand about be able to play these more complex time signatures (complex for us at least), you can sort of integrate yourself in the culture through "the language of music" aka you can play with complete strangers whom you don't even speak the same language of. 

he was with this little Bedouin girl, and she was teaching him arabic in exchange for him teaching her english through Tribe Called Quest rhymes and he said that she was actually struggling with rapping in 4/4 because it was so boxy and constricted! I thought that was so fascinating. then he said that before he left, she approached him saying "I will never see you again." and he was like oh well you never know, I might come back, but she said "no, because my tribe doesn't allow women of child-bearing age to interact with Westerners" and she was about to be of child-bearing age. He jokingly said that he was like "Oh shit! Well have my Vanity Fair and fucking toothpaste" and all this shit because they were all so fascinated with his western stuff but you could tell it was like a little heart-breaking for him. 

anyway, that was a tangent, but he was talking about how he snuck into Cuba through Mexico which was "fun" for him and he encouraged us greatly to go and try to visit one day because there's "all the rum you drink, cigars you can smoke, and the most amazing rhythmically-complicated music" and I'm like yooooo I am so about ALL OF THOSE THINGS. He told us this story about how he asked this dude to give him and his 5 buddies salsa lessons so he's like, "okay, meet me at this place at this time". So Jeff shows up at the place, and the dude has 6 partners for each of the guys, a fucking band, and tons of rum. They just danced for 3 hours straight pouring sweat and drinking and at the end of it, Jeff is like "How much do I owe you?" and the dude is like "80" (US dollars). Jeff thinks he means $80 EACH so he gives him like $480 and the man gets really scared like "No I can't take this! This is more than my family makes in 5 years!!!!" And Jeff is like, "Well, I insist because that's less than any of us make in 2 weeks." And the dude is like amazed and enthralled and later that week, Jeff sees him buying drinks for EVERYONE in the town. Apparently, there's also this secret illegal home restaurant thing where if you know a guy, they give you a pick up point where you stand on this specific corner and then a car comes and picks you up and takes you to a secret location which is some woman's house and you go in and have a beautiful home cooked meal that ends up only being like $14. It's all secretive because home restaurants are illegal there or whatever. 

So, NYU has a study abroad program where you take the course on Cuba during your Fall semester and then you go to Cuba during the "January term" which is basically winter break but it's only for a week. (but imagine going to Cuba to escape the awful winter here omg) I kinda want to do that but also a week sounds so short to me. SO LET'S GO TO CUBA TOGETHER.

love, meesh

[until-ontario]

(more than) sometimes

im afraid that im at the wrong school and ill be stuck here because i dont have money. 

sabrina

[until-ontario]

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday

so yesterday (tuesday) was whatever. i had class. 

OH WAIT 

so sam. 

There's this guy i saw on the like second day of welcome week at the class picture, and he looks JUST like this dude i know from high school but way cuter and taller. this boys name is sam so i dubbed mystery boy sam. 

and at a party i think i drunkenly like asked him if he knew sam stone because my mind was like OMYGOD YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HIM. so yeah. and i see him around and minorly stalk him and know he's in Ormsby (a dorm) and i want him to be part of my life hes so sweet and cute and omygod i think he plays guitar. 

ANYWAY

we had a lecture for freshman studies (basically english. its super annoying) and he sat RIGHT IN FRONT OF US UGH HE WAS SO CLOSE.

but i had no in and am a pussychicken so i didnt say jack shit

ugh. 

wednesday:

i helped harrison and jack move the furniture in their room around. i love jack so much. i also hung out with my friend molly. 

i showed jack childish, he likes his newer stuff the best. he really liked the sweatpants music vid. his music taste is amazing. 

then that night i went to kyle's (gay junior, dating sean; freshman precussion major) with a bunch of others. all his roommates were gone except amelia sidenote: kyles room and his roommates is SUCH a sitcom i cant even tell you 

we took shots (fireball and coconut rum) it was fun and vouter got a hold of my hair (i sent you snaps) 

i took 8 shots 

we went to this one girls birthday party in sinkofa house but it was like meh so we left and went to ORC (one of the houses) 

ORC (this other house mostly focused on outdoors and that night was the ultimate frisbee party) was bumpin

i hung out with a ton of ppl including this really hot grunge guy named finn who might be flirting with me but idk. i really cant with guys but i feel like i flirted a lot that night. 

i met so many ppl and talked to daniel (cashmere cat guy) turns out hes the ultimate frisbee captain and invited me to come to practice. every thing was super fun and i ended hanging out with a bunch of these freshman i knew. two of them were alex and harrison ( both live on the first floor of plantz, my dorm.) and the other was etta. this chick. shes really cool and has hella blonde hair and sweet glasses. and we like sat in the grass nd smoked and did a shotgun train and alex kept making out with etta but i had thought that she and harrison would end up fucking. but then i was kinda right because the four of us kept walking around and they were being really touchy and would like kinda kiss and im just there like holy shit just have a threesome already. but its fine cuz im not into either of them.

etta and i went to the bathroom while the guys went to a smoke hut and while up there etta was like "im gonna really regret making out with alex so much. i actually thought he wasnt into girls" and i thought it was hilarious. then etta went to the bathroom and i met this guy geoffrey who i talked to for a while. hes REALLY cute. idk how but we started talking about his sexuality and he asked if i got a gay vibe and i was like "nah. but i could see you like trying dick" and he was like "yeah. but i just love women to much. like all your curves and just damn. like YOU wow you are just gorgeous... (and then talked about how he would want to be a renaissance painter because curvy naked women all day)" and did the like outline with hands thing and i was so intensely flattered. i like played it off and did a joking like hairflip white girl thing and he thought it was funny but i still couldnt get over it. then i peed and etta and i left.  

alex like stole some beers from the house and we hung out in one of the smoking huts. they kept like burning themselves and eachother. i dont understand white people. 

oh also the reason jack cant drink is cuz HE HAS TUBERCULOSIS TOO. except hes taking the pills. but they are hella bad for you. 

we wanted to go to the park but etta needed a jacket so we stopped by harrisons room and we woke jack up and like talked to him and we were being so loud but it was fine jack thought it was funny af. and he kept like grabbing at his sheets so i thought he was having a nightmare or something.

we ended up going to the park and alex like told me about how he feels about etta and i was like yeah duh obviously. then we went into the fountain and thats how i dropped my  phone. we hung out more then walked etta to her dorm and walked back to plantz and alex like confessed to both me and harrison and i was just like AH AH AH OOPS. and then me and harrison tried to give him advice and i was basically like "well dont get too bummed if things dont work out. its the second week." (because they wont)

then we all went to bed and i watched an episode of criminal minds and ate beef jerky i got from the vending machines. 

thursday: 

i didnt have my phone all day and believed it to be broken. i told mama james that i dropped it down the stairs.

i hung out with ba ne a lot and were friends now and she lives in ormsby so i described sam to her and his real name is ALEC TRICKETT. and i saw him in the common room when we were leaving and he was playing piano and omygod he plays beautifully and ba ne like went in and said something so he would notice ppl there, and theyve met so she was like hi and he said hi but then turned back to practice so i didnt say anything and we left -_-

we went to ultimate frisbee practice with sean and wouter. it was really intense and fun and im still sore but it was such good exercise. i need to exercise. also geoffrey is on the team and he was shirtless the whole time and W O W he is gorgeous. and his butt is soooooo nice. michelle. SO nice. i just need to make out with him. 

then we got back and had dinner and it was getting cold and we werent wearing anything but our athletic clothes which my ass looks great in. and I SAW ALEC LIKE GETTING TEA so i steeled myself and got up and went over AND THEN RIGHT BEFORE I COULD BE LIKE "oh hey, were you the guy playing piano in ormsby earlier?" HIS STUPID FRIEND CAME OVER AND LIKE SLID RIGHT IN BETWEEN US AND STARTED TALKING AND OMYGOD. so i just started pretend making tea in case the guy would leave and then they both went to the ice cream station and i threw my tea out and went back to my table mad as hell and just stewed and i was just a grump. then i went back to plantz and told wouter we could meet at warch later to do hw. 

so im back in my room after my shower and im just lotioning and whatever when the door starts opening (cuz my door is never locked) and i thought it was teresa so im just like "one sec! im super naked!" but then i hear GUY voices so im like "WTF WHO IS THAT???" and its wouter and tylor so i force them back and make them wait until i have my pants and bra on. then they come in and make themselves comfortable while i get dressed (i looked super cute casual comfy you cant believe. i shoulda taken a picture.) and we went to warch for a hw session! (also malcom joins us)

so we're doing hw and then tylor and i go downstairs to the cafe to get coffee and alec is in there!!! so tylor and i are by the counter waiting for our orders and alec is standing like a few feet from us so tylor turns and asked "hey you live in orsmby right?" (cuz tylor lives in ormsby) and actually they are neighbors. so imma spend a lot more time in tylors room now. and so tylor introduces me and himself and now im in! 

omg he has such a nice voice and hes so cute and beardy and i asked him about piano and told him he plays beautifully. he like mostly improvs. hes a physics major, and plays on the soccer team as well. god hes soo cool and well rounded. he was pleased that i asked his position on the soccer team and asked him about the game and i was so charming and asked a lot of questions and smiled and he quietly laughed at one of my jokes and michelle holy shit his smile is so cute and bright.

then we left and i was the happiest girl in the world and im literally in love with tylor he is such a perfect human being. 

then we went back upstairs and recounted they events and i really didnt get much work done. like i dont even know this guy but since i saw him at class photo ive been like enamored. this is such a strange feeling. like i havent actually liked a dude in years. but this still feels different. its like painful. so painful. i was just in a druggy lovey daze for like half and hour. it was ridiculous. i wanna like go on picnics with him. fuck. 

then i asked the guys what my next move should be so i was told wait 24 hrs then send a fb friend request. so that. 

then malcolm leaves and so does tylor cuz he isnt working. so i get some food from the cafe cuz its hella late and we still have work to do and wouter and i go back to sage (where he lives, right next to warch) so that he can get his power adapter converter and we do hw in his floors' lounge. he finishes before i do and goes to bed and i finish then walk back to my dorm. walking through an empty campus at 1 am is weird but tranquil. then i put my leftovers in the fridge and dream of alec. 

friday: 

was fine. like class and i did the other half of my french hw. french is my hardest class, i have homework ALL the time and its always SO much. 

i was on my way to get food or something when i ran into harrison and suzzie (this cool ass hispanic girl with green streaks in her hair and always wears blue mascara whos art as shit and i love) and so we were talking and then robert and alec came by. robert was riding on a skateboard and wearing like colorful socks so i was like "robert youre not cool" and he grinned and then alec turned to me and said "yea he is. hes super cool. take that back" so he passed and we looked at eachother and i said id think about it and he smiled and continued walking and fuck. 

then i talked to them for a bit and my friend mira came over and i went along with my day.

after french tylor drove me, ba ne, maxx, wouter, and hritkarsh, to the mall and that was fun and great and we got wendys and i got 2 beanies, and earring, and a necklace. i only paid for the wine beanie. the necklace was by one get on free so wouter bought a necklace and i got a free one but i stole the other stuff... oops. 

we went to dinner but before that we were all in tylors room waiting for sean to be ready to meet us and i went to the bathroom and ran into this group and they were already SO drunk. like it wasnt even 7. i met this girl cheyenne and she wasnt and she seems really cool but ryan was and gawen (or whatever) was HELLA drunk and kept being all over me nd hes really tall and like meh but apparently he like grossly came on to ba ne like about how hed never been with a black girl before (short version) so im already grossed out and like NAH towards him. but he has my number now but whatever, he probs wont remember he has it. i like ryan, hes really nice and ba ne is REALLY into him. but apparently hes in a thing with cheyenne and so i just broke the news to ba ne because im over it .

that night was activity fair and i signed up for a ton of clubs and then we went back to kyles again to pregame. (first we picked up tylor and alec was in the common room playing piano again so just kinda shouted hi alec! over at him and he said hey and continued playing. 

i really like his roommate amelia. i love all his like suitemates. amelia was showering and we took shots. this started at like 8. so we just fucked around and the gays like discovered my tits and are OBSESSED with them. as is they sexually harass me daily, but this is a new level. sean likes to like juggle them to the tune of anaconda. 

what a life. 

then sean like did an intricate braid thing with my hair and thats how i wore it for the rest of the night and everyone loved it and i wore the chain wouter bought from forever 21 and we all just played music and fucked around. this one girl ryn is SO cool and hilarious and ridiculous and shes literally my role model and she loves me too and thinks i should be a model becasue she really likes my face and we rapped all of gold digger together and earlier in the night i friended alec on fb and he accepted it like 5 min later and her route is really forward but she thinks i should like get to know him if i dont just wanna bang which i dont. 

we went out. we went to a hockey party first in hiett (kyles building) it was like fine, a guy from my fresh studies class was there and i met ryns boyfriend. i talked to amelia a lot about boys because honestly im just so scared. like michelle ive never ever done anything concerning them. ive never had a bf or anything at all ever and i just have no clue what im doing and its absolutely terrifying because its like something i have absolutely no control over. and she was really comforting.

we like put on fun music and all danced and i also met this girl flo and malcom and molly came and it was great. then we left to meet kyle, but we lost tylor!!! so we went back to ormsby to find him and we couldnt. i checked him room and then the hall and back to the common room and i saw alec again and i actually talked to him because i asked if he had seen tylor and idk how but we just kept talking about it and its kinda fuzzy, like i was kind of worried tylor was sick somewhere but mostly i just wanted to talk to alec and they actually have a game today so he was staying in and yea. then i saw ba ne and for some reason she made me go back in which was dumb but whatever. then idk where she went but me wouter malcom and molly walked back to the cafe to meet sean and kyle and i sat down in the booth and just started CRYING like WTF?!??!?! it was so strange and intense and i was just bluthering and overwhelmed and it was the worst and godamnit. we went to two parties after that but they were lame so we just went back to hiett so i could get my back pack and then malcolm and i walked home. and hung out with maamie at the front desk with the RLA's on duty. then etta and a bunch of peeps passed so i went with them for a bit to harrisons room and we hung out. and i was jsut ready for bed so then i went to malcolms and got cold pizza and got in bed and watched an episode of criminal minds until i slept. 

also there was badass heat lightning. 

distressed,

sabrina

[until-ontario]

I hope this worked. i guess i might have more to tell you???? 5 min isnt as long as it sounds 

-sabrina

[until-ontario]

Thursday was eventful: 

i started out by going to my advisor meeting and that went well think. my advisor is cool as ALL hell and she made some comment about teaching me to make martinis and it was so out of left field and i was like "wow we will get along" (in my head) 

then i was hungry af cuz i keep skipping breakfast because fuck getting up before 8 and so i walked over to the dining hall for the first time by myself and got food and went and sat at a table 

turns out the girl i sat next to is in my hall and i met some girls. i met a girl whos gonna be in my film class! it was low-key and nice and yeah the girl i sat next to has a weird name and i forgot it again

im like making "friends" with a lot of different kinds of people and its interesting because like its classic me bouncing between people and niches of people. 

i went back to my dorm and ran into this girl rachel and some guy and there were gonna practice the chorale piece so i went with them and i needed to go back upstairs to get my laptop and something else but i got distracted by the fact that i didnt know when or where my core meeting was happening so i went to this guy harrison's room (chilean rapper guy who lives in my dorm) to ask him and his roommate opened the door and so i introduced myself and he invited me in and so i went in and we like HUNG OUT! it was really cool even though their room already smelled weird. his name is jack. hes this skinny white kid from brooklyn idk how to describe how he looks but like really skater stoner musician vibe idk.. maybe well be friends and i can take a pic. but hes not like cute or anything and hes too small for my taste. hes in the con for performance guitar and was practicing for an audition and he had a ton of records so i went through them and we talked about music and HE ACTUALLY LISTENS TO OUTKAST it was SO exciting. and i told him about fly art productions and i cant wait to show him my sweatshirt when it comes (oh i met a girl yesterday who had one of the shirts) anyway it was really cool and i showed him worry by jack garratt because im really into it right now and we talked about flatbush zombies and i showed him erick the architects tumblr and it was so cool and like random and i really like jack. 

then i went and got my laptop and the thing. and as i listened to them practice i realized i didnt wanna do chorale so i left 

and went to IT again because microsoft was being a wang 

then i went to CORE meeting. it was fine and i like my other leader who does volleyball whos name im blanking on rn. 

then i had to leave to go to a film meeting which went well and the film dept is really nice and cool and i think i made the right choice cuz i *Really* dont know what i wanna do with my life 

the core groups had like a field day competition so i went to that when i was done. it was pretty fun and my group (or the part that showed up today) generally gets along well 

at one point i felt like tugging on my hair and i turned around this one girl from china in my group, ding dang, was like fascinated by my hair and how it worked and it was cool and shes sweet 

we did a competition with one group and i ran into torrey who i did my overnight with and we were SO thrilled to see eachother because i didnt realize she was already on campus and we had been texting! it was great

a couple girls in my group like already like me and idk like its weird. like things would happen and of course my reaction is usually like "lol wtf" and my face makes that like amused smirk thing and they will be like "ha sabrina is not impressed" but theyre all nice and we get along, i really liked this girls shirt cuz it was like 

MOD

ERN

MOD

and it turns out its a band her best friend sings in and they are tryna make it big but like its a solid band name and tshirt design

then i went to the dining hall with this other girl but it wasnt open and i was STARVING so she headed back to her hall for something and i went over to heitt (nonfreshman housing) because i met a girl maddie who lives there and she said she had mac and cheese and i could swing by but then i forgot what room she was in and i arrived at the same time as katherine and some of her friends and they didnt know who maddie was or where she lived but katherine was like "i have food come up" so i did and there were ppl in her room and i met a bunch of upperclassmen

two of them are my dorms welcome week leaders and i had actually met one, sarah, before and she was playing cool music and i told her about ellie ingram, and the other one jori is really sweet and i like her a lot. the upperclassmen in general are easier to befriend. or ppl who did the 3 week program and have been here for a while. so i made a ton of friends and contacts. like this one guy got my number to give to a jazz prof about singing and this other girl paige is who i can buy some of my books from. i need to get a french book and code asap. 

so then me jori and sarah left cuz we had like a dorm dinner and they're really cool. the dorm dinner was okay, a lot of the dorm didnt show but i met new people and jori is great.

i went over to another table for a bit to say hi to people and i saw jack again and met a girl etta who is hella cool and i wanna be friend. i also met this guy.... ugh i think his name starts with an r and i can't remember but hes funny and i like him. 

then jori and sarah came over cuz sarah was gonna show me one of the freat houses and maybe meet some guys cuz she had borrowed her friend kyles speakers and they talked with the group for a bit and then we left. sarah is super nice and lives in art house. there was noone there so we left and i went back to my dorm. i met this one girl who lives in my dorm but then we parted cuz she went to this like sex and party ed thing but then i was swept into this other group, etta jack harrison ryan and megan plus i met ettas roommate, rose, who is really cool and from chicago and talks like shes on sedatives but i like her. and we went into town and it was cool. we went into this one like weird shop with like world shit and thats all spiritual but im not about that like witchcraft life. but there was incense so i bought some. that etta chick is cool but shes about like faeries and witchcraft and like that kinds stuff so i just kinds smiled and nodded. then we kept walking and went to this smoke shop and harrison/etta bought this mini hookah. and it was fun and like cool.

idr what we did when we got back. but it was thursday so there was something. i def smoked. i think thats when i first met finn and people. it was super cool. i smoke with them a lot. oh yeah i met up with maamie claudia and adrian and we went to a party and this guy finn started to chat me up and then we all went out to smoke. maamie and claudia don't smoke but i got to smoke with adrian and it was his first time having american weed he was like DAMN. the weed was like really nice, it wasnt like a sleepy confining high. we all walked back to plantz and then made sure adrian could like find his way back and then went downstairs to play cards against humanity. it was interesting stoned. met some nice ppl. theres this one guy walter who is HILARIOUS. holy shit hes funny as hell. anyway we are friends now. anyway it was pretty fun. when it was over me and maamie were still up so we walked to trevor (adrians dorm) but its like across campus and she like knocked a beat on his door and his roommate answered and they were both KONKED the fuck out. it was hilarious. 

then we left and went home and that was thursday 

sabrina

[suspend]

nothing is more satisfying than knowing someone will be with you through thick and thin

[koreanmodel]

Noma Han at Ikumi Spring 2015 NYFW

[until-ontario]

FIRST COLLEGE POST

So I figured I'd just write you a post about yesterday. 

I woke up too early which you know. 

Got my shit together and went to the chapel for the class pic at 11:45. It was raining so we had to go inside and so we are like smushed around and shit and I feel a tap on my shoulder and it's this dude Ameer that I met on the first day. I think he might be into me cuz when I went to a party last night he gave me this huge bear hug and everyone was like wut. but we'll get to last night later. this girl also ended up standing behind me, kate, and we met at admitted students. she stayed on my hall. shes kind of weird but like in a fashionable quirky way but like manageable in small doses because i dont really fuck with quirky girls who like identify as quirky. she like wears v vintage 50s stuff. and she like looks good. but yeah. 

i also made eye contact with this guy behind me who looks like a friend from HS, sam stone, but really cute and tall and i was like WOW I AM SO INTRIGUED BY YOU WE NEED TO MEET AT SOME POINT. i ended up walking near him when everyone went to lunch and i over heard that he plays guitar. also when is it appropriate to strike up conversation with peopel youre walking near? can you talk to a pair? i didnt know what to do so i tried to look independent as fuck and have cute boy notice me and have me on his radar because sigh hes so cute in a quiet way but girls are still into him but hes like sweet and quiet. 

after class photo we had another talking to and then had advisor lunch. my advising group is pretty okay. we are all people who like french. so i met some girls from my class and my "teacher" (i'm not actually in the class yet i'm technically on waiting list but whatever) is actually my advisor. she's really nice. Her name is Dominica Chang. hilarious.

i met this girl emma at lunch and shes really sweet and we just like stumbled into friend stuff cuz she walked me to get mail and then i waited for her to change (she plays tennis) and it was just yeah. after lunch i picked up my mail and went back to my dorm and i decided to go to the IT help center in the library to get my computer registered and internet and printers and shit. IT TOOK AGES. OMYGOD. but i made some new friends. these like girls (jade and aisslyn) from chicago who are puerto rican and cousins and i thought were jersey at first but aren't were like easy friends. and i met this other girl for a bit and saw her later at a party but i didnt talk to her much then this other dude named eli came over and we kinda hit it off. I asked him about the sticker on his laptop. There were so many people in the place and it was all such a struggle. I was there for hours. I finally got home and there was some stuff happening in the like common room so i went in and met some people from my dorm and most of the RLA's. I made friends with this one sophomore or junior Maddy who I really like. (I made a lot of older friends yesterday. surprise) and we talked about theater. I also met this other guy jack i think and I think we got along once I got him talking so i hope to see him around. i also met this girl named rachel who was apparently from admitted students weekend and remembered me when i said something to MAddy about stage managing cuz i asked a question about it. shes really nice I like her. 

i colored a picture for my rla cuz she's sick and not here. But its like a pic of two identical guys in like coats and shit and the title is "homeless or hipster" 

i excused myself and put some of my shit away. and then went off to CORE dinner. 

my CORE leader duo is a guy and a girl but then girl had a VB game so she couldnt come. the guy, nick, IS SO ATTRACTIVE. WoWwowoOWOWowW but he's also a theater kid and like i get a he-doesnt-know-how-hot-he-is-and-is-still-awkward-and-kinda-lame but hes super nice and has a generally good sense of humor and i think we hit it off. i talked a lot to this girl in my group but shes like kind of intensive weird. like lots of nervous laughing/ laughs after every sentence kind of weird. but shes really sweet. this other guy cameron was at my table and hes like super interesting. hes a transfer sophomore and i feel like hed be a really good lover. i just feel like he'd be really giving and good at it. plus when i saw him at a party later he had such a firm handshake UNLIKE SO MANY GUYS HERE LIKE WTF WHERE ARE THERE FATHERS. I LEARNED ABOUT HAVING A FIRM HANDSHAKE FROM TV. LIKE WHAT. anyway his handshake was so mighty and i was like wow your hands kinda turn me on. it was a weird moment. this other guy harrison was at my table and he actually lives in Plantz! (my dorm) hes the floor below me and he seems really cool. he has my number because he may have another ticket to a chilean rapper concert in like minnesota and i kind of agreed to maybe go ?!?! it felt really spontaneaous but like im 18 and its free and like why the fuck not. he seems cool i think. most other people werent really that memeroable. OH so since it was two tables per group i didnt meet everyone but instead of my other CORE person this other girl (katherine) was filling it AND I LIKE HER SO MUCH shes a sophomore and shes from rockville and she was the first person i met from the DC area it was SO exciting for both of us. and shes like so nice and geeky and like genuine and i just like her so much shes so fun and easy to talk to and like such a total nerd but so loveable and not like intense and we really really got along. she'll probably come by our group a lot. but we ended up staying a really long time just talking ( me nick katherine and the other girl) and it was really nice and they told us about trivia which is a HUGE thing here but looks super super super fun and im totally gonna do it. and theyre just great and that made me really happy and katherine and nick seemed to really like me to and that made me happy. I also met this guy kyle again who i met at admitted students and he vaguely remembered me. 

so after dinner I went back to my dorm. and it was pretty late already and there was an ice breaker thing so i just joined and everyone was sharing where they are from and the worst movie they ever saw. and then i like excused myself cuz i neeeded to put on jeans and get a jacket it was so cold. then we all went to this like psychic magic thing. it was crazy and i was just hella skeptical of the whole thing. it kinda felt demonic? anyway i like sat with rachel and i met these girls who were sitting in front of us AND THEY ARE MY NEIGHBORS BUT WE HAD NEVER SEEN EACHOTHER BEFORE. it was hella weird. also i met this girl from sidwell and i was excited at first and she sat on the other side of me BUT THEN SHE WAS SUPER SUPER ANNOYING. sigh after the magic thing i came back to the dorm with rachel and a bunch of these guys i met after the show. they were all like cali stoner skater boy dressed but idk as a group walking back i just didnt get like a great vibe from them. but like individually they seemed cool so maybe they were being really annoying and dumb because new idk. but then later this one guy was cool and we made jokes when we crossed paths and idk maybe ill be friends with them in the future. 

when we got back i went downstairs to see what was happening and i just went over to like this group of colored people because i was tired of mostly whites and i met this girl claudia who seemed like nice but not a huge character. and this girl mami (?) from ghana and her friend adrian from ghana as well and i really hit it off with them. so that was exciting. i also met this girl cindy whos a junior and these other older girls also international from ghana but dont know mami and adrian. there were lots of ghanaians. so then we left together to see if this party was happening. and so we walked to the house and then had to wait for someone to open the door cuz ID cards cant open houses just dorms so we went to the Warch Center which is like the dining hall and a main like building to be warm and met these people but they were pretty weird. and we left and went to the first party. and it was like meh. i saw some people i knew and met new people. i also saw the guys from my dorm and said hey for a second. it was interesting to have people like initiate conversation with me like at the thing because it was like i just entered and people would introduce themselves? i was standing somewhere and this older guy like came up to me and was like "what was your name" and in my head im like "weird way to put that cuz we've NEVER interacted before" but i just said sabrina and asked his name. he's finn and really cool looking and i keep having this thing where i meet people who are attractive and i feel like i meet them differently or give them a different energy than people i just meet because friends and new people. and its great because it feels like reciprocal? so its makin me feel a bit more positive about myself. so then we went outside with people an i discovered adrian smokes so great. we the guy had this REALLY good shit and it gave me SUCH A WEIRD HIGH. like i was present, like i didnt feel swallowed by myself and the world and like dark and fuzzy. i was alert, everything was just off or different. apparently the shit was MUCH stronger than ghanaian weed and adrian got fucked. it was funny to watch. claudia and mami didnt smoke but came so the group would stay together. the guy who supplie was like alright, and we met this girl who was like white girl cool. god that sounds racists but idgaf. and then we went to the next house over because the other place was kinda dead. and thats the like "black house" and everyone was just like sitting in a circle and it was like what. and so then we went in and that when i spotted ameer and he came over and introduced himself to the people and bear hugged me. and then this like welcome week guy was like explaining slap the bag and i was like oh ive done that! so then i did it. but then i was more stoned than i thought, and the tap was different from the one im used to and i got red whine on my WHITE SWEATER but i didnt freak out. and it wasnt as embarassing and i thought itd be?!?! like everyone was really nice and when i came back from the bathroom mami was like "are you okay? you sure?" and it was nice. but i cleaned it up mostly and just flipped the sweatshirt so it wouldnt show. then we left and went back and like sent adrian home and then i saw rachel and met this guy gus who i saw for a min at the first party. then we like went downstairs to play cards against humanity in the basement. a lot of people in my dorm are really weird and annoying. this guy Laef the REALLY enthusiastic like preppy skinny gay one had like 3 sips of alcohol and was fucking drunk and i was like W O W. also mami at one point like talked in a really white voice and i thought it was hilarious and we started doing this thing where we would just talk in really white girl voices and we like COULDNT stop ourselves so at the table i was like omg we need to stop there are white people HERE. and so we played and i really like this guy bart. i think i could get along with him. she speaks polish and OMYGOD POLISH IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL MUSICAL LANGUAGE. LIKE HES SO GAY AND NOT INTO HIM BUT IF HE SPOKE POLISH TO ME SPLOOSH. i have a thing with languages. same with portuguese. i made this guy will from hs talk dirty to me in portuguese just so i could hear it and w o w. michelle. splllooooosssshhhh. anyway so we played and it was like generalyl fun. also there was this REALLY funny guy who was like sarcastic and hilarious named walter and we ended up walking him home to trevor which is across campus cuz adrian also lives there and i really like him. 

on the way walking walter home we passed a party so we went inside but it was kind of dead but then as i was walking out someone said my name and i couldnt see so i went back up and it was cameron! so we like talked a bit. idr about what. and i saw some more people and then met kyle again. and like he couldnt remember me until he saw my earrings???? like theres so much more about me that people can usually remember me by it was weird. but i think we might get along. then mami and i walked to trevor and we were talking about parties and she was bummed because in ghana they like dance and all the music at the parties was shitty and i was like yeah i wanna dance too and it was such a strong like YES moment. we went to trevor and then found adrians room and knocked and his roommate tyrone answered and was SOOOO out of it and it was SO SO SO FUNNY and we just died laughing and left and if i see them ill have to apologize. also i told adrian and mami if they teach me pidgin ill teach them american slang. so yay.

then we walked back and i went to bed and ive been so hungry since last night and i had this GENIUS idea to submerge my sweatshirt in water so i just put it in my water pitcher with the bleach pen i have and THEN THIS MORNING ALL THE STAINS WERE GONE. I HAVENT EVER LOVED MYSELF SO HARD. and then pretty much went to bed cuz i wanted it to be the next day and i really wanna meet cute boy and i really wanna make out with someone and i really wanna like hardcore flirt with someone. just the act of it. and yeah. i need to go get ready for the day. 

i love you. i missed you a lot yesterday, like i just wished you were around while this stuff was happening. 

-sabrina

[until-ontario]

Update! Made friends in the laundry room!!!!! one of them was a cute boy! love, meesh

[until-ontario]

Because I cannot get over this.

[until-ontario]

right now, my bffs are Xan and Andie because we all did the summer high school program together and we all get along really well. Also that Hannah girl I was talking about earlier. She's from texas, really cutesy hipster type, talks a million miles a minute, and is just so hilarious. I want to be like best friends with a guy but it's hard because they're just not as open as girls to get to know you unless they're sexually attracted to you (gross).

update (because I started writing this before): but I think I met a guy friend I like!!!! His name is Shomin and he's so nice and outgoing and he's a R&B singer but also taught himself sitar. Also, there's this chick named Chloe I really really like so far too. 

my hall is always quiet. i dunno anyone on it really. Markony is a promoter for parties and stuff so yeah idk like he's just a person.

TAKE ME TO THE POPSICLES. what was the place called? I wish so badly that I could have experienced this date with you guys because 1) I love barbershops 2) I like tattoos 3) I WANT YUMMY POPSICLES 4) I want to meet them 5) ugh yummy grunge tattooist I'm so about it

SEND ME PICS OF THE ROOM DECORATIONS!!!!!!!

I'm sorry for Olivia. NYU is going really well and I think I have alot of advantages coming in because 1) I have a cool major and I'm sure about it 2) I am very familiar with the area already 3) I'm coming in with friends but even with all that stuff, there's still alot of doubts in my mind. College is hard, dude. There's so much pressure to make friends and you feel stupid when you're like alone because you think everyone will see you as a loner. I thought it would be alot different from high school but it's not so much so far in terms of like, social groups and hierarchy and such. also the boys aren't cute! they're all high school fetuses and not cute grungy hipsters. :( things will probably be better when the upperclassmen arrive?

today at the remu party I saw Alfredo and Noah again (Clive upperclassmen) and they both hugged me and were excited to see me! I felt really cool that they both appreciated my existence and that I already had like, connections at Clive. I'm loving it so far. More Clive orientation shtuff tomorrow!

here's to a good night, meesh

[until-ontario]

so that all sounds really sick. that dance is so fucking art school wow but sounds insanely fun. those guys must be a blast and a half. who are you diggin so far like friendswise? what is your hall as a whole like? WHATS MARKONY LIKE

ugh i dont even wanna bother with whats happening because its so exponentially less exciting. but yesterday was fun. I took the guys to adams morgan (also nick and samaha both offered to drive me home so i could be out later and i was like damn. friends) and we went to the bazaar and the shops i went to with you and ana. i got a lantern and some posters and two stickers, ill take pics. nick took us to this GREAT cafe that sells bombass popsicles and im taking you when we're both home. nick also went to the wiseowl club which is the coolest fucking barber shop ive ever encountered and i love it so much. for a while cole has been thinking about getting a tattoo which personally i think is dumb anyway but youdoyoubooboo. and he finally recently settled on a tat (DC Flag) and i had told him i knew where he could get it done and i asked if i could come with him when it happened. so this plan has been in the air as part of our list of things to do. so when we got to AM i showed him and he was all "hahaha what if i just got my tattoo today?" and i told him he absolutely could and that was kind of the end of that. so later when we wanted nick to go get his haircut so we could go inside cole was like "nick if you get your haircut ill go get a tattoo" and so then we walked to popsicles and cole was kind of doubty i tried to like talk cole through it. like both sides of it. but the guys were like youre manipulating him and that was fucking annoying cuz i totally wasnt and cole needed to fucking know what he was getting into and if he actually wanted it. but he so did and i know he did so i was kind of talking him into it because it was like he forgot all the reasons why he wanted one until i started talking to him and asking him questions. so finally he was like really confidently "yeah! i want this tattoo and im getting it" and i was like fuck you guys im great in situations. so we walked back and cole was like if i show you a design can you just do it so the guy was like what kind of design and cole said dc flag and the guy just pulled out like a whole sheet of different dc flag templates and it was kind of hilarious but cole was cool about how unoriginal he was. (one of his original ideas was this native american symbol. but that was kinda stupid because white boy what are you doing even though it would have looked 10 times cooler so whatever) and then only one person could go back with him and i was just like no samaha youre not going. and the guy at the counter told us that "billy is gonna go have a cigarette and then you can go back" which was just great. bill is the tattoo artist in the video. i got the vibe that he'd be really cool to hang out with and he was sort of definitely your type. anyway the actual tattooing was cool to watch, i didnt get to really watch like from above cuz i asked billy if me standing bothered him and i didnt wanna be an obnoxious girl so i just sat and watched and it was great because cole is so pale and he slowly turned SO red and made great pain faces and clenched his fists the whole time and now he has a tattoo. i got a second popsicle with samaha. first one was mint lemonade, second was peach hibiscus. both phenomenal. only $3 each. i didnt get a rug like i wanted. im behind in ordering stuff for college. samaha drove me home and he recently came out to me as bi and its this whole new like facet of our friendship and its AMAZING. i LOVE talking to him about guys. and we had like a kind of sad but really heartfelt and like good goodbye. and i got home and my mom was a pain and i ended up staying up all night. 

oh and i had a really good reuniting conversation with ruhani. and olivia messaged me about oberlin, its pretty bad so far. shes not likin it and doesnt know what to do and im so afraid that i'll hate lawrence. and also i messaged isaac and we talked forever until he was like ok i need to try and get some sleep. it was awesome. 

also i made my blog P U $ $ Y $ A M P L E R and made some minor changes. 

its weird that i cant just like go see you and go to this cafe rn but im so thrilled about your life in ny that i dont even feel bad and this system is really workin out. 

love love love love love pussy garbage feelings

 - s 

[until-ontario]

just do writing letters style I think it'll be fun! do whatever you want, honestly! and yes, update me on your life too please. video to come soon, I just need to get chips from my room ughhhhhh because I'm already out in the hallway but like I'm so hungry. I'm eating pretty well since I've gotten here honestly and I think I walked like 5 miles today. That's a high estimate.