Reinventing Myself: Moving, shedding, and rebuilding.
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"What if the change that you're avoiding is the one that gives you wings?"
Your 20s are all about starting again and again and again, each time knowing a little bit more about yourself than days past. At 24, it seems like I'm just now starting to really leap into the world– like the first 6 years of my adulthood were just the prep. In 7 Months, I will be moving across the country to New Jersey, a state I've never been to before. During these 7 months, I am determined to reinvent myself and become a better, wiser, and healthier version.
Who I Want To Be & How I Plan To Get There જ⁀➴
From my teenage years through my adulthood, I have adopted a persona that is unadventurous, pessimistic, and conservative. Under the guise of saving myself trouble and pain, I talk myself out of everything, always focusing on the negative outcomes of potential decisions. I was terrified of making the wrong choices for so long that I ended up doing nothing for years.
When I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is someone who is eager– desperate for change. I see someone who is ready to leave everything behind and start new. Someone who is sick and tired of being held under her own thumb. I can feel a piece of me begging to be let out from underneath all the old skin I've refused to shed over the years. I think I'm finally ready to let it all go.
I want to be someone who prioritizes herself to the fullest. Gone is the girl who waited for someone else to take the first step. Gone is the girl who did what everyone else was doing because she couldn't trust herself to make her own decisions and be happy with them. The person I want to be is intelligent, commanding, kind, adventurous, confident, and open. While I have some of these qualities already, I hope to grow them even more in the coming year(s).
In order to get where I want to be, I must do some heavy reevaluating. I have to lay everything out on the table and purge the things that have been rotting and festering inside me for too many years. Much easier said than done, and to be honest, I'm just winging it and doing what feels right.
Transitioning: Life in Limbo 𓇢𓆸
While the east coast is still 7 months away, San Francisco is only 8 weeks away. I'm moving in with my dad to save up before I take the ultimate leap, and I plan to use every day as an opportunity to move forward towards my self-reinvention. Self-reinvention doesn't happen overnight– making slow and steady changes will result in long lasting habits as opposed to trying to change everything all at once. By the time I move to New Jersey, I will have had months of progress and preparation toward the person I want to be when I get there.
Purging the Old to Welcome the New -ˋˏ✄---
While I am currently living in my first apartment, I have had two roommates who have both lived on their own prior to moving in (on separate occasions). I have had the privilege of using their furniture and appliances and thus not having to buy my own. The few pieces of furniture I do own are hand-me-downs or things from my adolescence, and while I loved the ease of accumulating necessities for free, I've never really had anything of my own. I am currently in the process of purging my belongings and getting rid of the random things that I've been holding onto for years. My goal is to fit everything inside of my car and buy all new furniture when I get to my new apartment. I am so excited to be able to curate a space that is entirely my own, with things that are mine and have only ever been mine.
Big sigh. When I was a teen, I used to think there was nothing wrong with me– that I had no issues whatsoever. I couldn't have been more wrong. I realized that the reason I thought there was nothing wrong with me was because my trauma didn't look anything like or seem as serious as everyone else's. Not to mention I was/am emotionally hyper independent, so it made sense why I thought I was in pristine condition considering how I handled myself. As the years passed and I continued to avoid the thing that lurked within me, it has become too big and too sinister to ignore (effectively anyway). I'm so scared of breaking down the walls I've built and letting myself be vulnerable, but I'm even more scared of staying the same and continuing to suffer like this.
When I make my temporary move to San Francisco, I'll be starting somatic therapy which focuses on feeling instead of intellectualizing. Whatever that means.
Continuing My Weight Loss Journey ⟳
I have been struggling to get out of a 3 & 1/2 month slump. At first my excuse was that I was too preoccupied with my full-load summer semester and work, and to be fair I was very preoccupied. But I had completely let my good habits go– my dad's house is snack galore, and I recognize that I have very little self control for delicious things.
I've already lost 20 lbs from the beginning of my journey, and I plan to lose 40-45 additional lbs by the time I move to NJ. Not only do I want to feel confident in myself, but I also just miss having a tangible goal. In the height of my journey, I truly enjoyed getting physical activity every day. It made me feel more energetic and just plain happy. I looked forward to the gym. Every week I was excited to make progress. Before my journey, I had never had a true dedication to anything, so much so that I believed I was simply incapable. Sometimes, you just wake up one day and feel the click– the unquestionable desire to change.
These past few months have been rough. What comes up must go down, and what goes down must come up. I spent some time at the bottom, but now I can feel myself rising again.
Im honestly just kind of sick of being glued to my phone. Last week, my phone started to glitch from the full storage and whatever digital bugs were roaming around (I always put off my phone updates oops). I decided to delete some apps to make space for the new update, starting with Instagram. My intention was to redownload the apps after the update, but as I was about to click on the app store, I realized that I don't care. I was tired of seeing the same stories every day: girl at a basketball game, guy posing with some sort of alcoholic beverage (yes, everyday), girl showing off her bottle-girl work environment. Every day it's the same people doing the same things, and I just don't care. I DON'T CARE!! Sorry, that needed to be in bold and in all caps to really get my passion across.
It started with Instagram, then TikTok. I kept Twitter to stay in touch with an online friend, but I stopped using it as much. I still use my phone for my random google searches, music, and even Youtube and Pinterest, but I grow bored of my phone about 10-20 minutes into each app. I've started having phone free mornings: picking up my phone only to check for any time sensitive notifications on the lock screen. I've started reading books more and ingesting more informative content during my time online– its the only thing that holds my attention on Youtube. I've started carrying my phone in my purse instead of in my back pocket. It's only been a week and I find myself reaching for my phone less and less. I hope to continue this well into my new life.
Finding Community ˙⋆˙𖠋𖠋𖠋⋆˚
Like I mentioned earlier, I have a bad rap with pessimism. I moved a lot growing up so naturally, friends came and went. It hurt me every time, and I became distant and uninterested. I had my small circle of friends and that was enough for me. I had no interest in making more friends because I was certain I'd lose them in due time, one way or another. While that sentiment may be true, I deprived myself of connection and a bigger community. I've made only two new friends and reconnected with an old one over the course of 5 years, though our friendships have fallen dormant due to the long distances.
I want more friends, more community. We don't have to be inseparable, or even talk every often. I want to extend and offer myself in a way I haven't done in years (with refined boundaries of course). A part of letting go is returning to who I once was.
To Be or Not To Be [Independent] ⚘
I am emotionally independent to fault, yet I still rely on others for other things. I recognize my flaws and am in the process of fully accepting them. I have some growing up to do, especially when it comes to finances. I am so privileged and so grateful, but I know I need to become more responsible and independent.
In regards to emotional independence, I am beginning to really settle with the fact that the people are right: talking it out does help. Letting people in does help. I hate when science is right...
Staying True To Myself ꫂ ၴႅၴ
While I plan to make many fundamental changes to the way I am and how I function, I still plan to stay true to myself. Yes, I'm purging and replacing what seems like everything about me, but what serves me will remain intact. Reinventing myself doesn't mean I have to be utterly unrecognizable. I will still be me, just with some tweaks. I will still laugh at stupid jokes, I will still listen to the same music, I will still have my slumps and my moments of despair. But I will have finally freed my true self from beneath the rot and decay of past versions of myself. From then on, I will be open to new adventures, new opportunities, new pain, new joy and new sorrow.
I can't wait to meet myself.
