List of my stupidest goddamn witcher headcanons
Geralt likes his eggs scrambled. Jaskier knows this. Whenever he’s mad with Geralt, he’ll make Geralt’s eggs sunny-side up. He never makes Geralt’s eggs except when he’s mad at him.
Geralt hates seafood.
Jaskier wears anklets.
Ciri can and will Annoy on Purpose. She learned this skill from Eist. Calanthe was not happy with it, but eventually relented and taught Ciri how to Terrify on Purpose, in case Annoy on Purpose doesn’t work. Ciri always gets what she wants.
Yennefer sticks her tongue out when doing her makeup. It’s a reflex. One time Jaskier booped it and nearly lost his entire arm.
One time Jaskier woke up and saw Roach standing in the middle of his room. It was just after midnight. He thought he was having sleep paralysis and went back to sleep. In the morning she was gone, but there was some hay on the floor. He hasn’t mentioned it to Geralt.
Speaking of, Geralt’s sleep paralysis demon is Jaskier whispering words of affirmation ominously.
Jaskier can do a split. Geralt doesn’t know why he can do this, and Jaskier refuses to tell him.
Geralt doesn’t know how to do that one trick where you make it look like you’re detaching your thumb. This makes him feel really bad despite it having no impact on his life whatsoever.
One time Ciri does it and he nearly cries.
Yennefer really likes bunnies.
Jaskier is terrified of goats. When he first meets Lil Bleater the witchers have to band together to get the bard out of the rafters. Meanwhile Lil Bleater is just wagging her Lil Tail like :D!!!!
Yennefer’s secret talent is slam poetry. Jaskier finds out one day but she says that if he tells anyone, she’ll turn him into a frog. He says that’s fine by him. She threatens to turn him into a goat, then. He’s not so fine with that.
They hold secret slam poetry competitions in the middle of the night. They think Geralt’s asleep but he’s not. He’s Awake. He Knows. He Fears.
Eventually Lambert joins in when they’re at Kaer Morhen and Geralt has never known peace since.
Cats don’t like the Kaer Morons cause they always smell like wet dog. One time Jaskier douses Geralt in lavender perfume so he can go pet a cat for once. It’s a very emotional and sneezy scene. Geralt can’t smell anything for a week after that.
Eskel loves tea. So Much. Both the drink and the gossip kind. He takes the Drink Kinda Tea with honey and sips it Nice and Proper for like an hour to Enjoy It. One time he sees Jaskier just slam back an entire mug of unsweetened, hot tea, and he’s absolutely horrified.
Jaskier and Eskel gossip a lot, too. This leads to Jaskier learning about some very embarrassing stories about Geralt, and Geralt has to threaten him into not using those stories in his songs.
Jaskier writes those songs anyways. (But he only sings them to Yennefer - who’s mildly amused by them - and Ciri - who fucking loves them So Much)
Lambert learned how to make the medieval version of energy drinks. Each year the Kaer Morons hold a competition for who can run the most laps around the keep while hopped up on three energy drinks. It’s both glorious and horrifying.
They also hold ski competitions with broken floorboards bound to their feet. They race down the mountain and have to take the dangerous, snowed-in passes back up to the keep. The main goal is Don’t Die.
Only minutes after that competition, there’s the competition of Outrun Vesemir And His Wooden Spoon. The main goal is still Don’t Die.
