Obliviate. ∞

Weird girl. I think too much. I like to write. 22. Words are weapons. Who are you pointing at?"She's just a girl. She loves recklessly and blindly even if it consumes her."

[utterlyshattered]

The perfect daughter

I know, I am not the perfect daughter. I am not the daughter, you wanted me to be. I know you had plans for me, I know you wanted something different for me.

I have made mistakes, a lot of them. I never said I was perfect. I’ve spent too much money, I’ve said the wrong things, Raised my voice, made bad decisions, and lied about a lot.

But I know that I have tried my best, To be what you’ve always wanted me to be. I get good grades, I behave, I work jobs to support myself, I treat everyone with kindness, Jump at opportunities to give me and you a better future, I’m on a good career path, And I tell you I love you everyday.

Even though, You left me for months at a time by myself, Expected me to have surgery on my own, You called me horrible names, You wished I was never born, You said I was a burden, You said that your life would be much better off without me,  and how you wished that was the life you had.

I know you were sad, I know you had nobody apart from me. And in your eyes, I was sucking the life, money and happiness out of you. I know it is not an excuse for the way you acted,  But I understand how you feel and why you did, the things you did. 

The time you smashed my phone into pieces, The time you threw me in the shower, turned on hot water to burn my skin and threw a mop and a broom at my head, The time where you locked me out of our house, The time when you locked me in my room so that I wouldn’t disturb you with a man, The time when you made me get on a motorcycle with someone I didn’t know,  The many times you made me call someone ‘daddy’ to please them, The times you bruised me so bad, it hurt to move,  The times you made me be a maid to whoever it was you were trying to please, The time you left me alone in the house with someone who had a knife and was prepared to use it. 

But how about the time you let random men touch me in places I didn’t know were inappropriate? How about the times they kissed me and pulled my pants down? How about the times you let them drug me? How about the times you kicked me out, so you could be with another man?

How about the times I slit my wrist and you barely acknowledged that there was blood dripping from my arms? How about the many nights you heard me crying into my pillow? How about the times when I sat there, staring into a distance? How about the many times I kept failing exams because I was too sad? How about the whole time, I buried my head in books to escape reality? How did you not see me? How did you not see how sad I was?

How about the times you screamed and yelled, slapped, kicked and beat me with sticks and belts and chairs and remotes and anything you could find?

I tried so hard to be a good daughter. And I know you probably could make a list like this about all the things I have done wrong to you. But I never said I was perfect, and you always said that you were. 

You expect me to forget everything that happened the first 18 years of my life. I act like I’ve forgotten but I haven’t. I don’t think I’ve ever forgiven you either.

You pushed me into a career I didn’t know anything about, you pressured me to get good grades, you beat me senseless until I was bruised, you screamed so loud my ears bled, you broke my heart every time you said I was a burden to you and you wish i never existed. You said you were a good mother. And in some ways, you were. But you also weren’t.

You couldn’t handle the truth because you blocked out the first 18 years of my life. It hurt you to know that I still remembered.

You gave up your whole life for me, but you’re also making me pay for it. You made sacrifices, but forcing me to make some of my own for you. 

I don’t know, if this is love. 

How can someone you love, treat you like this?

I never was the perfect daughter you wanted,  even though I tried hard to be and I think that I never will be the person you wanted me to be because I am not clay that can be moulded, I am a girl, still trying to learn how life and love, works in mysterious ways. 

[utterlyshattered]

What could have happened

You and me, 3 months ago.  We were sitting in a coffee shop, meeting each other for the first time.  We talked about our lives and our future, and all the silly things that matters. Like our favourite colour,  our favourite time of the day,  and how we like our coffee. 

What could have happened after that?

We would have said bye the way we did, me seeing you off as you cycled away.  Us, texting each other afterwards to tell each other that it was a nice time, that it’d be nice to see each other again.  Us, meeting for a few more dates, learning more and more about each other and falling as we do.  Going places, walking on the beach,  watching the stars and talking about the little things in life.  Today, you would have sat with my friends and I, because it was the mark of the 3 month anniversary of us meeting.  We had made it this far and we were celebrating.  The both of us happy,  and longing for more happy times to come and eager to see where this would lead us.

What actually happened after that? 

We said bye the way we did, me seeing you off as you cycled away. Me, glancing at my phone for the next few days, wondering if I should text you or not. I was wondering if you were wondering the same.  Me, going on holiday, still thinking about whether to text you and maybe meet when I get back. Me, forgetting my phone for the entire holiday, and when I finally remembered it,  realised you had disappeared from your online profile. Me, sitting with my friends today, as you walked past and smiled, a sign that we both knew  that we were sorry things didn’t work out, and maybe we should have tried harder. 

[utterlyshattered]

"You leave footprints everywhere you go. Your imprint stays behind. The impact you have, is so unbelievably significant you wouldn't even imagine. The world couldn't live without you."

-n.d.

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21st

6 days before the 21st of February, we talked for the first time.  A new start, I told myself.  The start of something new. 

9 days after the 21st of February, we met for the first time.  Almost seemingly too perfect, our first date.  Almost too good to be true.  It was the happiest I felt in a long time. 

The 21st of March, was the last time I saw you.  It was such a good time, until the end.  We both left broken hearted, but it wasn’t the end just yet. 

4 days after the 21st of March, everything was back to normal.  I was flying back home, but that wouldn’t change a thing you said.  We would see each other when I get back. 

5 days after the 21st of March,  I wrote you a poem. Because I thought we were going somewhere, and I thought I had found something good.  I thought you did too.

6 days after the 21st of March,  you freaked out after you saw my poem. You said you weren’t ready and you couldn’t do this anymore.  You left me and let a good thing die. 

7 days after the 21st of March,  I deleted my poem.

14 days after the 21st of March,  was our last conversation.  Despite me spending the last week, trying to reach out,  not wanting to let go.  But 14 days after the 21st of March, I let go.  Just like you did, 6 days after the 21st of March. 

11 days before the 21st of April,  you stole something from me.  My poems.  I was scarred,  I couldn’t write anymore,  scared of losing people around me,  if I continued to write about them. 

15 days after the 21st of April,  you went back to the place where we met.  Even though you told me,  you could never because you weren’t ready.  It was then I realised that you lied.  You lied about a lot. 

7 days before the 21st of June,  I went back to the place we had one of our dates, and sat in the same place. On that day,  I decided to let go of all the lies you said to me, and I decided to let go of you.  I decided to stop hurting and stop the questions in my head haunting me with the answers I will never get. 

16 days after the 21st of June,  I was supposed to meet someone else, who I had been talking to after I let you go. 

9 days after the 21st of June, he told me he couldn’t meet me because he was in love with someone else.  And it was one disappointment after another.  And it was getting hurt all over again, like so many times before.  And it always resulted in me being alone. 

On the 21st of July,  I met somebody else.  He took me on a date, and treated me like a princess.  He was sweet, and liked me for who I was.  But it was good,  and I haven’t felt good in a long time after you.  I don’t know where it’s headed,  but I am prepared to start a new chapter, love or not. 

6 days after the 21st of July,  which is today,  was the first day I felt like I could write again.  I have taken months to heal, my poems fading, and my hands restless from not writing.  And I will be damned,  before I let someone as irrelevant as you, take away something so special to me again. 

Today,  the 27th of July, 6 days after the 21st of July, I am healed.  I am looking forward to the future that shines for me, and only me. 

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First heartbreaks

Oh my little girl, come here. 

First heartbreaks are the worst.  Let it all out.  Scream.  Let the tears wash all your pain away.  I know it hurts, it hurts so bad, it’s a constant pain in your chest.  It was when he said, “It’s over” or “I can’t be with you” is when your heart plunged right down from your chest, straight to the bottom of your stomach. You hold your breath, and you feel a lump in your throat and you just swallow it because you don’t want him to see you in tears.  You say you understand, and you do but there are a million other questions you don’t know the answer to. 

At home, you spend countless hours crying, endless nights not sleeping, days not eating, just wondering where it all went wrong. 

No, my love.  You couldn’t have done anything.  You were you the entire time.  There wasn’t anything that you could have done differently to make him change his mind.  You did all you could do, to make him stay but that wasn’t enough for him.  But darling, you’ll find that,  that will be more than enough for someone else. 

I know you’re hung up on him, he was perfect.  Everything you wanted.  And it hurts to lose something so perfect that you had.  But you weren’t perfect for him, he wasn’t ready.  And that isn’t your fault.  You are perfect exactly the way you are. 

It hurts, and boy is it going to hurt so bad for a while.  It’s going to hurt so bad when you see him next. And it’s going to destroy you when you see him with someone else.  You won’t sleep for a while, you won’t be okay for a while, you won’t be able to move on. You’ll keep thinking about him, about his smile, his eyes, and his laugh. But that’s okay. 

You want to ask him a million things, most of them revolving around why it didn’t work even though you know the answer. You want to see him again,  tell him that you were worth one more chance. You long to hold his hand again.  But you keep your mouth shut. 

It kills you, that you can’t be honest about how you feel anymore, that you can’t hold his hand anymore, that you can’t be with him anymore, that you won’t be the same person to him anymore, and no matter what you feel, he doesn’t feel the same.  And you don’t know, when this sinking feeling will end, or how to look at him again, or how you’re supposed to act like you’re okay when you’re dying inside. 

So many questions, so little answers.  Where did it go wrong? Why weren’t you enough to make him stay, to try?  What could you have done?  Why did something so good, have to end?

You hate yourself. You think if you had said something in a different way, held something back, done something different,  then maybe you’d still be together now. You can’t help but blame yourself. The one thing you had going for you, is gone. 

But little girl, we can’t dwell on things that could have been. We have to focus on what things are, and how we move on from here. 

Yes,  it’s going to hurt really bad for a while and it’s okay to cry.  But little girl, the world moves on around you and it’s waiting for you to follow.  Maybe he really was the one you were meant to be with.  But if that really is the case, then it’s wrong timing. Life has a funny way of showing you who you’re meant to be with, when the time is right. So just wait,  everything happens for a reason, and if something is meant to happen,  then when the right time comes, it will. 

First heartbreaks are the worst. It doesn’t seem like it now, but you only get stronger from here and there are greater things waiting for you. You’ll be okay. 

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Warning

My dear, 

I am writing to you, in the hopes you’ll find me like you always said you would find a message in a bottle that’s washed up against the shore. 

I’m here to warn you about him. Because I know you’ve fallen for him. I was in your place, many years ago. Because how could anyone say no to those eyes? 

But here’s the bitter, cold truth: he doesn’t care.  He plays sweet and makes you feel special. He tells you there is no one else and you are the one for him. But behind your back he’s talking to another girl, giving you useless gifts, using you and treating you like dirt. He doesn’t text to see how you are. He won’t care if you’ve been in a car accident. He doesn’t care if you crumble and fall. He expects you to drop everything for him. He will never tell you how he feels. He is only interested in himself and what benefits him. It’s never about you. 

So why? Why do you let him walk all over you? Why are you making excuses? Why are you trying to figure out how he feels? Why do you let him use you? Why do you still care? Why can’t you listen to me? Why give him things he doesn’t deserve? Why help him? Why do you continue to let this be a one sided relationship? Why do you find every excuse to be with him? Why do you find every excuse to talk to him? Why fall for someone who couldn’t give two cents about you? 

But I know why. You say you don’t care but you’re just like me. You have a big heart. So you’re letting him use you because you think that if someone pays attention, then you’re worth something.

You are worth something but you are worth so much more if you leave him. 

A real man is someone who never makes you second guess your love. A real man tells you how he feels without you asking. A real man knows when you’re upset and does everything to cheer you up. A real man makes sacrifices to do the things you love. A real man has everything in his eyes. A real man holds you like he’ll never let you go. A real man wants the best for you. 

A real man would never let you down. A real man would never use you or treat you like dirt. A real man would never let you feel like you’re alone. A real man would care what you think. A real man would never let you feel worthless. A real man would pay attention without you asking.  A real man would love you just as you are and never ask for more. 

My point is, he is not a real man. He will never be one. And you deserve to be with someone who makes you look forward to tomorrow. 

He is not the right man for you. 

Let go. 

Love, 

me. 

[utterlyshattered]

I started to write about love, and about you. In a text much like this one. I started to write about the many things we talk about, how you made me feel when you were in the room and even how your smile brightens my day.

I thought I was talking about love, the fantasy that I have been dreaming of since I started reading books and watching movies when i was young. 

But then I realized that whatever is between you and I, it can’t be love. Because love is about sacrifices and understanding the needs of one another. It is about putting the effort into talking,  and properly getting to know each other.  It is about knowing what the other person wants and needs  without so much of a word.  It is also understanding that sometimes you can’t always agree with each other.

As far as I know, that is what love is.

But you have demonstrated none of these things and I am only starting to realise too late that I have wasted too much time into someone who doesn’t care enough to sustain whatever is between us.

I have invested too much time into you. Into us. I have wasted too much time and effort into loving someone who could not love and I am done. 

I’m just a balloon to you. Something that floats away when you find no longer use for it, and eventually let go. 

If I am that to you, then I urge you to let go of me because I can’t hold on any longer either. But rest assured, you will never find me again as I fly away and when you do, I won’t be the same as you once knew me. Just like a balloon deflated. 

So I’m going to save that poem I was writing about for another time. For someone who truly loves me with his heart and soul, and someone who puts the effort into making me happy just as much as I make him. Because that is what love is. 

And he deserves my writing.

You don’t.

[utterlyshattered]

Never mine

It’s funny how, you smile and cock your head towards me, how we spend almost every minute together, how you hold my hand almost all the time, how you steal glances at me, how you are desperate for us to touch, or how you share all your secrets with me. 

It’s funny how you can do those things and not expect me to fall in love with you.  Your laugh is the best thing I’ve heard in a while, the way you move is graceful, your smile is captivating and your eyes is where I get lost. 

And I am falling, falling for you. Then you start to talk about her,  all of the wonderful things she is that I am not, about how beautiful she is, or how you talk to her everyday, even the fact that every girl you knew could never be her.  You start to watch her, text her all day, think of her meet with her afterwards, and do things I don’t want to know about.

I just think its funny how, you have her but you’re still clinging on to me.  You still hold my hand, text me all the time,  laugh at my jokes, and smile a little too bright when I’m around. 

But then I realized that everything we shared together,  was more mine than yours.  How your smile meant more to me than mine did to you, how your hand fit in mine more than mine fit in yours, and how it was always me who loved you more than you loved me. As I watch you, watch her, I realized that you were never mine in the first place and I am still in love with you.  Just wondering how you could have been so certain that we had no chance at all? 

[utterlyshattered]

To:

Hello,

It’s me again. I know you must be wondering why I’m writing.  To be honest, I am too.  I need to tell you about him.  I know we spent hours on the phone, million of texts,  days of overeating and endless nights of me crying over him.  I know we said he wasn’t good for me, and that there was someone better out there for me.  That surely a man who made me cry, was never the man for me? 

But I’ve realized something. Love is about the ups and downs.  It’s about someone who makes you laugh, but its also about someone who drives you absolutely mad.  It’s about celebrating the good times, but it’s also remembering about the bad ones and how you grew stronger from them. 

So my dear,  I guess I am writing to you because I’ve realized that I love him. I don’t think I ever stopped loving him.  I have always loved him, even if I didn’t know it then. And I’ve realized that down the line,  no one will ever make me feel the way he does.  You only meet one person that changes your life, and I have met mine.  He is my match, my other half.  And as much as he drives me crazy now, he loves me just as much. 

Please forgive me,  I don’t want you to think you’ve wasted your time.  But you have to understand that he is the love of my life.  He breaks as easily as I do when we are apart. But my dear, I am happy.  I truly am.  And so is he. 

At the end of the day, love conquers us all. Doesn’t it? 

Love,  me. 

[utterlyshattered]

Last night I dreamt you said you missed me,  when I woke up I realized, that it was just that; a dream.

-n.d.

[utterlyshattered]

The rush

It doesn’t take much but sometimes a smile,  a loss, a journey,  or even just the right person to change you. 

I didn’t know it then but from the day you held the door open for me, everything changed. 

Everyday after that,  we shared too many bad jokes,  smiled too often, stole glances that we can’t admit,  talked for what seemed like forever, and watched each other without realizing that both of us were falling in love.  And suddenly every moment counted  and the rush I got was irreplaceable.  The goosebumps I got every time you looked at me,  the blush I had when I talked to you, my heartbeat growing faster every second you were near and the rush of adrenaline that spread across every inch of my body. 

It was sweet, how the both of us were so unwilling to admit what we felt, or that we would fight for each other,  or how we couldn’t bear to be apart from each other, or how with every glance it threw us deeper into the hole we were digging. 

Who knew that one smile, your smile, could change the world? Could change me? 

Why can’t we say it? Three words.  Three syllables.  Two people.  Two souls. One meaning. Two hearts beating into one. 

I love you.

Say it.  Say it with me. Say it and I’m yours.  Say it and then it’s forever. 

[utterlyshattered]

For years I have wondered through a constant blur of questions. Movies and books told me one thing and people told me another.  I always thought that falling in love was slow,  that it needed time to build up.  But I was always sure that I never believed in love at first sight. 

But one day as I walked to stranger with the most gorgeous smile, his eyes landed on mine and suddenly everything clicked into place.  I just felt like everything suddenly made sense.  I felt like for a long time everything had been spinning and when I saw him, everything stood still.  I felt like a thousand sparks inside of me went off.   I somehow knew that this was something I had been waiting for, and it was finally here. He was finally in front of me. 

I just knew then and there, he was the one I wanted to be with, the one I’m meant to be with.  Nothing else mattered but that single moment.  And the moments that followed after that, all the laughter and the tears, only made me more sure that I was right when I said I fell in love the first time I saw him. 

Everyday that I spend with him, I get closer to him and everyday we spend apart, I’m thinking about how much I want to be near him. Every moment, every touch, every glance and every smile up until now has always counted.  Love is about the time you spend together, the time you spend apart, the commitment and how much you care about one another. 

Now I am a changed person since the day I started to believe in love at first sight.  All because an ordinary girl met an extraordinary man. 

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A chance to start again?

Last night I dreamt something new.  I was sitting at a table, looking at you talking to someone else.  I remember watching you smile at the smallest things, and how wonderful your eyes looked. 

Then someone sat next to me. Someone with beautiful brown eyes and ruffled brown hair.  We began to talk for what seemed like endless time.  He told me I was beautiful, took my hand in his and told me amazing stories. 

He made me feel significant, he made me feel like there was someone who could care for me, he made me feel that I deserve to be treated like the best, and he made me feel like I came first before anyone else.  I was indulged for a very long time.

In comparison, he made me feel more than what you have ever made me feel. Whatever time I spent with him was relatively short than what I have spent with you and yet, I have never felt the way I do around him than I did around you.

From the corner of my eye, I saw you watching us. You watched me smile at the smallest things, and loved how wonderful my eyes looked. It was then you realized what you had missed out on. 

 And suddenly I didn’t care anymore.  I have been waiting for what seems like a very long time, for a sign of some sort.  A sign to tell me that someone better was out there, someone who wants to care for me and love me for who I am and not who I need to try to be.  I have been waiting for a sign to tell me it is okay to love someone who does not love you back.  And I have been waiting for a sign to tell me it is okay to move on. This is that sign. 

I’m done loving you and I’m moving on. 

[utterlyshattered]

Forget me not

I kind of want to drink.

I want to drink and dance the night away,  dance with someone’s hands around my waist , laugh at the silly guy who is pulling a ridiculous face and cheer the guy that is doing ten shots at one go.

I kind of want to drink so much that I forget the night, so much that I can’t stand up straight, so much that all the faces around me blur so much that the music pounds loud enough to run through my veins. 

I want to drink until I can’t place my thoughts anymore, until I kiss someone in the club wearing a blue shirt that is too tight for him, until someone grabs my hand and tells me I’m beautiful. 

I want to drink to the point where I forget that the reason I want to drink is because of you. 

I want to drink enough to forget you, enough to forget that your hands are laced with hers, enough to forget that you sneak away with her, enough to forget that the only person you’ll be kissing is her, enough to forget that you’ll be going home together, enough to forget that I never stood a chance at all. 

So I’m going to drink, so much that all that’s left of you the next morning is a blur memory I can’t place with a heartache that never ends. 

[utterlyshattered]

Before I forget...

Before I forget,  I want you to know  that I love your smile,  how your eyes shine in the sun, how your hair falls perfectly to the side, your smirk, and how your hand just fits mine. I love how you sing at the top of your lungs, despite what song it is, I love when you read to me, I love that we insult each other as much as we say we love each other, I love that you always use a green pen, I love the way that you love your paintings, I love the way you say my name. 

Before I forget,  I want you to know that you have a million things I love, things that I see every day and each time I do, I fall deeper in love.  I want you to know this so that when I forget, you won’t ever question what I loved about you. 

Before I forget, I want you to know that I got everything I could have ever wanted, and that I am eternally grateful.  I have the best of friends, read the best books, ate the best food, laughed with the best people and made some of the best memories. 

Before I forget, I want you to know that I don’t regret anything I’ve ever did in life, that I always forgive people even when they don’t deserve it and I never held a grudge for too long. I want you to know that I believe everything happens for a reason and that things don’t happen unless there are is something bigger behind it.  I want you to know that every choice I’ve made has made me learn more than what I anticipated. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is, before I forget, I want you to know that I lived.  Though there were a lot of downs and challenges, I was the happiest I could I have ever been. 

But most importantly, before I forget, I want you to know that  I spent most of my life almost convinced I wouldn’t find love, convinced that no one could love me but you changed everything.  You changed the way I looked at everything, you changed the way I lived for the better, and you changed what I believed about love.  You changed me.

So when I forget,  tell me about how I lived my life, tell me all about the things I loved about you, tell me what I used to do, tell me all the books I used to read,  tell me all the songs I used to sing, tell me what painting I loved the most, and I will come back to you.

Remind me what it was like before I forgot. 

A/N: Inspired by The Notebook. 

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Sick little games.

It was sweet when we started out, friends you said we were,  tell me all of your secrets you said, tell me why you love him. 

So I told you what makes me scared, I told you who I was before, told you that I was fragile, told you why I loved him,

Little did I know, all I know I was doing, was giving you all the information you needed to destroy me. 

You turned this into a game, where both of us are constantly competing, for things, laughter, attention, friends and him. 

You’ve created this persona of someone who has the world in their hands, as if everything unexpected is expected, of someone who likes to leave everyone wanting more, of someone who likes people to pay attention. But you hate me, I know you do because I can see it is an act and you are as transparent as glass to me. 

You and I can both smile, laugh and pretend everything is okay between us, but you and I both know that deep inside, you are trying to win this game that you are very good at playing and have a lot of experience in doing so. 

And maybe you’ve played this game with other people, and maybe you’ve won fair and square. But I am not like other people.  If the prize is to have materialistic possessions, friends who only pay attention when you have something desirable and people who idolize the face you put on when everyone else is watching, then I don’t want to play this game. 

If your plan is to make me compete with you then I’m sorry to disappoint you but  there are better things and people out there for me. Things that come to me because I worked hard for it, and people who choose to be around me because of who I am and not who I pretend to be.  

So you can keep playing this game by yourself but I am done.  Keep trying to get everything you desire and all the attention that you need, I wish you the best of luck. 

But I hope you know that in the future, when the loser of the game is determined, that you will have no one by your side, that you will lose everything you wanted, that you will have no one who pays attention to your two faced act and most importantly: the loser of the game is you. 

So bitter as it ended, friends we are no more I say, no more secrets to be told, and so the game has ended, the last roll of the dice. 

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I think life is realizing how much you care about people, how much they don't care about you and finding the one who actually paid attention to you.

Natalie Dawn