UtterlySomnolentGirl

ramblings, musings and reflections. Is this what shadow work is?

[utterlysomnolentgirl]

I feel so lonely I'm unreal.

[utterlysomnolentgirl]

I am pretty sure I'm just a slut fir my boyfriend. Yesterday I asked him to buy me a chicken roll as I was super hungry. He knew that since he finished the lunch I got myself in the morning with me. He said he can't buy it as he has no money. I wanted to ask him where he gets the money to buy booze from.

So much for being the love of his life...

[utterlysomnolentgirl]

Feeling stupid pouring my heart out to a guy. I just confessed in a typical heady school girl style how in love I am with him (ik what was i thinking jeez get a grip). Now he's going out with his friends for a night out. Basically, I'm mortified cuz who am I kidding thinking men are even capable of caring about someone's feelings. Ok a bit of a pessimistic stretch there but in all seriousness, this is so embarrassing. Like I should have been a bit guarded and alluring..etc.

[utterlysomnolentgirl]

Every night makes me want to cut and scratch away at my wrist until I see my bones. Music instigates my desires .

[utterlysomnolentgirl]

Gonna start limiting to 500 cals/day from tomorrow till Friday.

[utterlysomnolentgirl]

Drinking a tonne of iced coffee to avoid ramen since I surpassed my calorie limit for the day. Good night to me guys.

[utterlysomnolentgirl]

I have an intense desire brewing in mee of making an academic comeback. So I shall try to log in my study sessions daily into the app which should span a minimum of 2 hours. The for

[utterlysomnolentgirl]

I dreamt of making my own blog on the internet this year. It has almost come to an end. I wish I hadn't tangled myself in these micro-messes and go back to my old self, who thought she could do anything, make a blog about literature like so many authors she would read blogs by. I will make it possible, I won't let my dreams char on the backburner. Please give me strength to come back to myself. I read a poem my ex posted. I still resent him for taking poetry away from me. It was my thing, my comfort, now I cannot bring myself to write poetry again, the act of conjuring it reminds me of him but he took it from me, made it his. And is receiving applauds, he stripped me of everything that was mine. I won't let him. I must return to myself. I wallowed all year, steeped into sadness. This must stop or it will consume me whole.

[utterlysomnolentgirl]

The Holiday Blues commence

As I sit yet again in my room, hunched over my blog, which I only selfishly visit when I am utterly inconsolable and there exists nothing to distract me, no boy, no youtube , no music, nothing, and there is no-one else I can talk to and realize my spewing feelings. That's when I turn to my poor blog, who stands like my sabre planted firm in the ground. I come back to it when I yet again, realize that no-one may really love me and I am all alone, to figure this shit out myself or die miserable under the weight of it. I wish I didn't rot in my room everyday, the highlight of it being picking the snack to go along with my evening movie while my boyfriend, who I am envious of, texts me and tells me what a great time he is having at the beach. The last I went to the beach was when I was wee and scared of crabs. I want to see the beach again. And when I am there, I want human friends to sprout from somewhere for that occassion , just to have fun together, like he does. Like so many people do in the holidays. I am so tired of being miserable. It's making me bitter. Unable to be happy for the people who are displaying their happiness to me. I just want to shut myself off from anyone having a good time. Because I know, I am still in my room, like I have been all year and nothing will change that.

[ashstfu]

2024!

SMILE MORE.

READ A FUCKED UP BOOK.

SEE A FUCKED UP MOVIE

WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN

LOVE YOUR OWN COMPANY

EAT FRUIT

LAUGH HARD

HOLD HANDS

LOOK UP AT THE SKY

THROW YOUR PHONE IN THE RIVER

GO OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN

DONT WORRY ABOUT FALLING IN LOVE

START DOING WHAT YOU WANT. ONLY

FOLLOW JOY

[ashstfu]

GO TO BED ON TIME!!

[utterlysomnolentgirl]

i'm bk with a bang girlies! Gonna write more. I'm not miserable anymore so that's a good spirit to base the new year on :) .

[utterlysomnolentgirl]

I just want the maximum amount of people to be obsessed and in love with me . Is that called cheating? It's so stifling. I want to love so many romantically, savour all bonds with different humans at once.

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Wordy by aavfvl

[utterlysomnolentgirl]

I can't lose you. Tell me, I can make myself ugly , I can botch myself so you'd lose any ounce of feeling for me. Just, I can't lose you. I want you to see me grow up. You are the only real thing and I would much rather be dating someone I don't feel really about as that would be less painful and would not shatter us in the end. I want you to be with me for the longest time, as my ally, my closest comrade, and I would love you always, I want to love you always. I can't imagine degrading you to that arena, of larking around with. The bond I have with you transcends that.

[utterlysomnolentgirl]

As I glanced out of the window I was sitting by, in the college library, I could see the many bikes parked below, the many people on their way to somewhere, chatting, laughing, I couldn't help but think, how

[utterlysomnolentgirl]

I win today if I don't let him touch me.

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

{Quote by Chris Mc geown}

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Quote by Luna Adriana

[utterlysomnolentgirl]

Maybe I exaggerate and distort my own experiences to align with my desired narrative of being wronged. But I have been acutely and purely depressed and sad when I did and I only begin to doubt my integrity later, when I feel relatively alright. Does my feeling alright now rule out my feeling terrible a while ago? Is it stored anywhere at all? The anguish? The pain? Does the body register it? Does the mind register it? Because it almost ceases to exist when some time passes and you cannot fathom why your reaction to it was so severe in the first place. You cannot trace back to its origin then. You cannot create the same conditions to feel it again. Does the body let it go? Maybe the mind can't afford to keep it.