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@vamp-siren
Checking in...
The last time I posted was Dec 30th 2019. It’s now May... i don’t know what day it is, 2020. And I’d just like to say that I’m still pretty damn queer. Thank you tumblr for the years of allowing me to be freely queer.
More fun Zodiac facts here
I just want to go back home to my apartment and order A&W.
2020 I will use my gym membership.
Aminé
Visualizer by Robin Velghe
source
😩😭 so beautiful
I just want everyone to know that this bit is exactly what being 24 feels like
32 and still feeling it.
27 and I’m kind of hurt... get off tumblr
Show strength, courage, and a never ending love even during the darkest of times that life throws at you.
So today I don’t feel so bad...
I had a conversation with my best friend about stuff that was going on with her. I did express that I’m slowly falling into depression or pretty much already there, but I didn’t tell her exactly what help pushed my falling car over the cliff (That I was now single). We then got into a conversation about what was going on with her and she expressed to me why she had been so distant and... it just hit me that sometimes we get so consumed with ourselves that we don’t see that others around us are falling apart too. She felt alone, I feel alone too. We set up a safe word this morning. Both our lives are extremely busy right now, but once we see that message we’d drop it all and speak.
Today, however, I start thinking about where I can be better. I’m not sure if she and I would ever get back together one day, but I can better for the next person one day, right? I remember my ex-girlfriend of 7 years ago... I was very affectionate. I’ve never been that way with anyone else and it showed... people that knew me knew she was a reason for my happiness at the time in my life (and believe me I get it, don’t make someone your happiness). I can remember one night we talked about our career goals, we both established that I’d be the one to get home first most nights and I up and said “Don’t worry I’ll have your dinner ready.” she responded, “what if I want breakfast for dinner?” and I replied, “That’s no problem, your happiness matters most.”. I know for a fact that I was truly a dedicated and loving lover with her, and I guess when things fell apart... so did the way that I loved. I spent a lot of time thinking I wasn’t broken, but the truth is I’m still pretty much shattered, but I can make something of the pieces and be a masterpiece, right? I think the only place I fell short is her telling me I didn’t compliment her... I don’t know why I don’t do that and I went on to do it with my now ex-girlfriend as well. From what I feel now while typing this... I think it’s the awkwardness of it all. I’m always in my head and I’m extremely weird and I think that my comment would come off a bit weird... unattractive.. forced. I don’t think that I do not compliment but I do it in the weirdest moments.
All of that aside I want to be a great lover. I want to be the best lover. I want to work on the flaws that reside in my love. I want to be a better me too. I’ve been fasting this week and it’s been helping with my procrastination. I’ve gotten a lot done in 3 days but that’s apart of myself I don’t want to talk about. But as for love, I’m going to work on that and be better. I wish I could be a better lover for her because let’s face facts... she is who I love, and me making this step is deeply rooted in her, but I must face a simple fact... She doesn’t want me (or does she? who knows.) It’s a journey but hey whenever the road leads me, at least I’ll be prepared.
Therapist: "And what do we say when life disappoints us"
Me: "Called it"
Therapist: "no"
This is my allotted feelings time
Lake Tahoe
Her favorite color was yellow...
& I saw her in it, everywhere.
Okay, last post for today.
I really feel alone. I don’t have anyone to talk to and that’s because I usually only talk to her. I don’t have it in me to carry on a conversation with anyone but her and sadly I can’t really...
It’s been a while and I need to do this...
The hardest part of this break up isn’t the silence I’ve decided to keep, but it's me. I am the problem. I kept asking her “why are you still hurt about that girl?” and the truth is... I wasn’t loving her right. She didn’t feel my love and that kills me. I’m crying because I failed her and I failed myself. I thought that I was loving her even in my fear but I wasn’t showing it. I’m crying and my ego tells me not to but my heart is shattered. I loved her despite and to the core she transformed me... but to her I was possessive and I never wanted to be that person. I still don’t think I am. Is my love possessive? I keep wondering if this is why no one stays. Do I love too hard to the point where there is no room to breathe? I’m broken right now. I’m trying to stay strong and be productive but when I close my eyes and try to sleep, my mind wakes me up and it’s hard. She recently posted that she’s single and that’s when the tears fell because I now have to face the fact that we are no more. So here I lie on a pillow filled with tears... trying to fall out of love with love... with her.
