Vampireapologist Archive

Dedicated to archiving all of our favorite @vampireapologist posts. Find a post you want archived? Don't be afraid to tag me or submit it to the blog! Disclaimer: this blog is not run by Mallaidh Anne nor is it associated with him in any way—it is run by a fan of the old blog who is dedicated to archiving old posts.

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

drake?

[hazeleyedcat]

josh?

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

where’s the body of christ?

[wyrddog]

[vampireapologist-archive]

Hi! I saw a screenshot of a vampireapologist post . Wanted to reblog from source so wondered if you could find it?

Thanks!

Took me a little while to find it, but I just reblogged it :) I tagged it with your username so it's a little easier to find, thank you for the submission!

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

we drink boba tea to satisfy our ancient & innate urge to slurp up tadpoles from a puddle through a reed

[isaidyoulookshitty]

no we absolutely do not

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

whenever i see a baby in public i wish i were like a powerful faerie god mother character who could give the baby a gift like “you’ll never get a cold” or “math will always make sense to you” or something like bein’ great with string instruments but I don’t have any powers that I know of but it doesn’t stop me from trying so every time I see a baby in public I tell the adult with it “what a beautiful baby” and it makes them smile and then I pretend I can take the goodness of their smile and I look at the baby and I think very hard “you will have a good life, even if it’s hard, you will end up happy” and I’m just hopin’ the magic kicks in at some point

[gif87a-com]

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

the way he sighs in satisfaction at the end and says “my life is perfect” truly warmed my heart this is hilarious and so cute

[mitski-miyawakis]

he remembers bane from batman but not his family members—mood

[notsofrangible]

@vampireapologist-archive

[mazarinedrake]

Oh my God. XD hey @vampireapologist, you’ve broken through into irl!

[gallusrostromegalus]

Mallaidh, you’re famous in Spokane!

[notsofrangible]

@vampireapologist-archive

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

if you didn’t go through a biting phase as a child until you were old enough that it was a little concerning I can’t be friends with you

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

Thinking of getting into the wedding industry where I offer my services to brides with overbearing families and my job will be to remind everyone else it is NOT their wedding. I can do passive aggressive, private aside with a vaguely threatening air, or just telling them to shut the fuck up in front of everyone.

The plan is you tell them I'm your fiance's estranged step sister so they'll even sympathize with you for being stuck with me instead of hate you when I tell them no one wants to hear about why they rudely disagree with your veil choice.

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

Say Yes to the Dress but I'm there with a foghorn I use every time someone thinks we need their rudeass opinion

[vampireapologist-archive]

Found this on insta! Can't find it on tumblr tho

Thank you for the submission!

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

I think a lot about who I am to other people in the world–particular who I am to strangers as a mere concept in their lives.

Today this woman called our information desk and said, “my son’s band is playing tonight. I want to come see him, but he never answers his phone…..I want to be there. Have you heard anything about his band?”

And I felt so bad for this lady but I’m not in the music scene around here so I had to tell her no, sorry.

Five hours later, I’m hiking and run into a group of guys setting up for some outdoor performance, and as I watch them unload the drums it hits me.

“Hey,” I said, “are y’all in a band?”

They said yeah and smiled and I told them “one of your moms called today. She wants to watch you play, but she can’t get a hold of you. Call your mom.”

And they all pulled out their phones and started discussing whose mom it probably was as they presumably dialed their own.

And now, unless we meet again and recognize each other, that’s who I’ll be forever to those guys–some mysterious courier for mom-messages who came out of the woods and told them their mom called.

I didn’t even tell them why their mom called me. Who am I to their mom?? Nobody even asked. They just took my word for it and called their mothers.

Amazing.

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

I’M LAUGHING!!! THEY DIDN’T EVEN ASK WHO I AM.

[totally-lyrical]

@vampireapologist-archive yall have this one yet

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

my mom’s in the kitchen vaguely trying to sing my chemical romance but really just winging it

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

“drugs gimme drugs gimme drugs

… … .

i don’t need em, but…. I’ll take what you have.… 

and I’ll immediately eat em,”

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

drake?

[hazeleyedcat]

josh?

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

where’s the body of christ?

[wyrddog]

[vampireapologist-archive]

Hey. Uh. Mallaidh Anne is back. Same url and everything. I just found out today, and figured you might want to know.

I did find out recently that he has returned to the original url. It feels a bit strange to run this blog with him back on the same website, like I'm talking about him behind his back, but he has not reached out to ask me to stop nor have I been able to get into contact with him.

For now I will continue running the blog the same way I always have—it is simply dedicated to archiving old posts from the deleted blog, and nothing more. We are nothing more than two ships in the night who are flying the same flag 🏴‍☠️

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

wait do those tin can phones really work?? I thought this was all a myth.

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

I just looked up a video this is wild I’m making one tomorrow

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

in my high school Art 4 class while we were no doubt supposed to be getting ready for a Very important Art Show, two of my friends made one of these phones but instead of talking into it they would write messages and clip it to the string and slide it across the string to the other and when the art teacher asked why they said “we’re texting” and she could not BELIEVE it, this was the FUNNIEST thing she’d heard all year so she got on her office phone and called the principal and said “two girls are texting in my classroom I need you to come take their phones and issue them detentions” and we all waited like assholes for him to show up and when he asked where they were she gestured at my friends “texting” on their tin can phone and my principal was already a pretty tired dude but that was the most exhausted I think he ever looked.

[beansfrombeans]

@vampireapologist-archive

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

okay this reminded me of the strongest human being (I use that label with some reservation) I have ever met and I still think about him like once a week because about 4 years ago on Thanksgiving night my sister, cousin, and I were going to pick up a friend about a 40 minute drive from home, and I got lost and tried to turn around on a little gravel pull-off on the side of the road, but my front tires got stuck in the snow.

we were in the middle of nowhere with no cell reception, and the only sign of life was a single, completely dark house across the road from us.

We all did our best to push the car out, and we’re strong people, but we couldn’t make it budge. Cold and stuck, we climbed back and wondered what to do. A car full of men pulled over beside us and asked if we needed help, but getting out of our locked car on a backroad at night with strange men felt like a bad idea, so we said a tow was coming and waved them along. We did that twice before finally deciding our only option was to accept the next offer for help and just risk it,

when a man came out of the house across the street.

He’d clearly been watching us and figured out why we’d been lying to people, which really surprised me & he said “it’s okay, you can stay in your car and keep the doors locked. Just start backing up when I say so.”

I had the window cracked and told him “it’s too stuck. There’s no way we’re getting out. Could you call a tow?”

And he said “just back up when I say so.”

So he walked around the front of the car, squatted, and said “okay back up,”

and I did, and

he lifted

the front of the car Into The Air. Off its front wheels, and we backed up while he essentially wheel-barrowed us back onto the road.

And we were honest to god yelling. We couldn’t help it. We just yelled until all four wheels were back on the ground and he was waving us off while we thanked him.

And then I looked at my sister and cousin & said “he REALLY told us we can KEEP our doors locked as if THAT WOULD’VE FUCKING STOPPED HIM!!!! As if he couldn’t have just RIPPED EM OFF THE HINGES.”

I later looked up the weight of my car, and it’s 3200 pounds without anything or anyone in it.

This haunts me.

[soratayuya]

the power of respecting women

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

this is the only valid response on this post

[coughdropenjoyer]

@vampireapologist-archive

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

idk if I’ve posted about this before but by far the strangest things that’s happened to me in retail was the time someone’s total came out to my birth-year and I said “hey! that’s the year I was born!” and then the next customer’s total came out to like $12.57 and just bc I’m a weirdo I said “hey! that’s the year I was born!” and without missing a fucking beat this like, 70+ year old man said

“Ah! Another like me! We’re few and far between these days, aren’t we?”

And I was like oh man this guy’s sense of humor really aligns with mine! And I laughed and made some other joke about being immortal and thought that was the end of it,

but this man.

He stood by the register for five more minutes. Maybe more. Which let me tell you is an EXCRUTIATING amount of time for something like this to happen.

And he just kept upping the ante!! He starting talking about some REALLY specific details regarding day-to-day life in the 1300s to the point I started getting worried that I’d misled a genuinely immortal being to believe I am also immortal.

He eventually politely left when I got too busy with other customers to awkwardly respond.

Who the fuck was that guy.

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

best job I ever had was manually removing aquatic plants from like, golf course ponds. I started out wearing waders, but the plants would be in too deep, so I just started wearing a bathing suit and water shoes and diving down under and just pulling cattails and stuff out by the roots. The thing was, when I’d first get started, the vegetation might be so thick it took up most of the pond, and I’d start in the deepest section so as I got tired I could move toward shore and start standing instead of swimming.

So I’d dive in and virtually disappear into the reeds

and it wasn’t until recently I thought about how many random tourists just saw some girl walk into an aesthetics pond in a swimsuit and dive under water and then just……….Not come back out

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

job description: golf course alligator

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

My fav part of this job is that it’s so bad for the golf course. Every year golf courses contact fish managers bc all of the fish in their ponds keep dying, and golfers’ families are upset bc they like fishing the ponds.

So we go test some water indices and usually find out that fertilizer runoff from the lawns has turned the pond into an oxygen void, so the fish all essentially suffocated, so we say “you need to build up a riparian buffer [wet habitat vegetation and trees that can absorb nitrates before they get into the water] around your pond”

And they’re like “no that looks ugly” and then they hire undergrads like me to remove the vegetation they do have

And then they’re like “wtf my fish are DEAD again!!!!”

It doesn’t end.

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

Golf course manager: I will pay you $8 an hour to destroy part of my business for aesthetic purposes

Me, putting on my goggles: say no more