vampirejournals

ESTJ. I believe it gets better 🎀

[vampirepens]

All my life, I thought I missed people I lost. There's not a single person I don't miss even if I lost them at the age of 5.

But then, you turn 21. You realize there's more to life than missing people. That's also when you realize you don't miss them. You miss you. The you that smiled at them and cried with them. It's when you start doing big things you realize that things ending and people leaving makes you feel bone aching grief but you must go on.

You must go on because life gets better even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes.

But it gets better and you see it in little moments.

[vampirepens]

And you've been gone, you've been gone, you've been gone for a while.

Long enough for even silence to have a noise.

[vampirepens]

Early in the morning, I breathe in ash and exhale carcass

‎I put on my jacket and feel like I'm dressing a wound

‎I wanted to ask someone, where do I put all this dead weight? It's not mine to carry anymore

‎All I get as an answer is a hollow echo

‎‎Sometimes I wonder, what mistakes I must've made in my past life

‎Maybe I let a dying man cry when I could actually save his life

‎What if, the wound on his thigh became mine?

‎It's a curse to feel nothing when all you want is just a scrap of something to cry about

‎Because I have years of tears I want to let out but all I ever feel is tired to my bones

‎

‎

[vampirepens]

Death will take you out on a friday

You won't get to know about it till you're taking your last breaths

Telling your mom, you'll be home soon

Not knowing she'll carry your body in her arms soon

And everytime your siblings see your unmade bed, they'll think of how they want you to haunt them

The next time you step out of home, I hope you're not angry at anyone

I hope you kiss your mother's cheek and say goodbye to your father.

Because death will take you out on a Friday and you won't know till you're taking your last breaths

[eymurn]

Wisdom from Marcus Aurelius:

[vampirepens]

‎It's been ten years and I understand.

‎Why I left while you can't.

‎‎And for the last time, I'm changing my name.

‎Just so I can escape but you're on the doorway.

Your head in your hands

‎And with clenched teeth, you beg me

‎‎'I'm sorry, it was a mistake'

‎I remind you all the times, I forgave you for the sake of the crime.

‎Now you're on the door way, 'babe, she's just a friend'

‎While your hands burn with the imprint of her lips.

‎So I will be changing countries, just to erase you from the back of my mind.

‎But here we are, after 10 years

You tell me 'You've changed' and I am thinking 'why you haven't'

‎I'm in my car, while you're getting on a plane, changing all that you are.

‎But you still flinch at the sound of my voice and I see you in the dark

‎So it's true, what the say.

‎Some people, you just don't forget.

[vampirepens]

And now you're crying on the phone

‎'please don't go'

‎Trynna hold your breath, never letting go.

‎But I need to let you know.

‎That I'm not the one to patch up the tapestries and I'm not the one who can care for you deeply.

‎Because ask anyone who's ever loved me, I don't text and I don't call

‎But I'll write you a letter and burn it down.

‎And while diluting the ashes I'll wish I could love you

‎While lighting up the matches, I'll wish you would stop crying

‎ Leaving feels like breathing once you've done it enough times.

‎It is the only thing that won't suffocate me in the midst of it all.

‎So while your eyes are rimmed with unshed tears, I'll pack my bags.

‎And sob at the thought of your empty threats.

‎And when you text me

‎'Come back, be here'

‎I'll resent you and your voice.

‎ ‎Mentally stimulating and thought provoking.

‎You say, 'You are the best'

‎But I wait till your fantasy crumbles like the castle in the sky.

‎And you'll love me till you realize that I leave like I breathe.

‎It is second nature to me.

‎

[vampirepens]

'Love leaves leftovers' I read it a few days back.

But why do they never tell us what to do with these leftovers. Because I still remember my best friend's number who I haven't talked to in 10 years like the back of my hand.

I still remember the way first love felt. The heaviest of all. The one I never learnt to put down. The one which still has so much power over me that I sob at the idea of it.

Love leaves so much leftovers because I still remember his voice even tho I haven't heard it in a year. It leaves so much leftovers because I don't know what do with all this information.

Where does it go?

How do I carry it with me?

'love leaves leftovers' but no one tells you what to do with them

[vampirepens]

This is not a love poem. I would've loved writing it for you. Instead, this is an apology.

It's a pain that you caught be at a bad timing, it's harsh that I couldn't let you love me.

In another universe, I would've loved going to parties with you and sitting in a front seat row of fashion shows.

In another universe, I would've held your hands and patch up the tapestries that people shred and in another universe, I would've chosen you.

I still miss you when the night is dark and when our favorite song plays.

So, I'm sorry for all that I put you through. Even though I might never see your face again and you might never hear my voice again but I will always remember you as a good memory.

So, keep being the sincere person that you are. Because I promise, one day you'll find someone as good as you

[vampirepens]

So someone should've told me this but I had to learn it myself:

Sometimes you will miss yourself more than you miss anyone else. Because all of this will heal in a matter of time, the way you held his hands like a person drowns and gasps for air, the way the fresh would bleeds, the way a broken bone seems like it might never be fixed, the way darkness looms over the world even on the brightest days and the way all of it is just a sudden memory, passing by.

Nobody ever tells you this but it heals. Everything. The wounds become scars and bone fixes itself.

But there is something that never quite feels the same.

Me. Myself and I.

Because all of it heals but if the wound is bigger than your whole existence then I don't really know what to tell myself.

[vampirepens]

Sometimes, your pain doesn't create a monster.

It just robs you of the person you used to be.

[vampirepens]

But I still have his blood in my mouth

I'm just really good at gulping it down.

[vampirepens]

And there's a poem scratched against the walls of my throat, it goes something like this:

Life goes on, it doesn't stop

The best times are over now or maybe they never began.

There's a ghost against my bed in eerie silent night, it has the same red eyes as that one time you fell sick.

I try to hold its hands, love it a little and someone besides me tells me I should be scared.

But I hold it hands silently until it disappears before my eyes like you did.

In the midst of the crowd, I look for you in every person I meet and get a little mad when they're not you.

On the way back home, I listen to the songs we once shared.

And the poem ends with the realization that I don't love you anymore

But I am tied to you. Tied to you by this grief and agony.

The agony of your red eyes meets with my teary ones and in that moment I wish I hadn't loved you at all.

I wish we had never met and I wish you had never left.

[vampirepens]

When you're heartbroken, people tell you 'the right one will come along' but they don't tell you that there's a bone aching tiredness you feel in your bones after loving the wrong person.

They don't tell you that the right one coming along won't matter. Not until you have finally recovered from the pain and replaced the love you gave away.

So yes, the right people do come along. None of it matters tho. Not until you get rid of the tiredness of loving the wrong people.

[vampirepens]

Your love won't make its way past my skin because there's nothing left of me to give.

And all that's left, belongs to me.

[vampirepens]

Life hasn't stopped since you left.

But there's a ghost at the end of my bed every night, eyes as red as yours when you once fell sick.

Someone besides me tells me 'It's scary' but I barely listen because it has your eyes, sadness that resided in your soul resides in that ghost too.

I find it hard to sleep at night because it appears only at night to remind me that you're still around.

I know life hasn't stopped since you left.

But it stops everytime a friend asks me about you.

It stops everytime I pass by the places we went to.

It stops everytime I eat your favorite fruit.

It stops everytime I look at something blue.

It stops at the mere mention of your city and the town cars.

Life hasn't stopped but it stopped for me the moment you left.

That is to say, it gets better some days when I feel like I'll love again

But, it's temporary. Sometimes I think your soul is buried within me.

Whenever I try to let go of it, it claws in harder leaving marks.

[vampirepens]

There's an ache in growing up and disliking the people and things you once so dearly loved.

Sometimes life is as simple as hugging a friend after a long day and sometimes life is as complicated as losing someone you once thought you'd spend your life with.

There's an ache in growing up and moving on. I wish more people talked about it.

Like leaving a memory behind because you just don't have it in you to hold on to it.

Like speaking on the phone with someone for the last time and knowing that you both might never be in the same room.

There's an ache in growing up. It doesn't hurt but it feels like picking on a scab that has already healed.