Hello, all...
Well, after a lot of consideration, I decided to forego the comic ending in "Scargo-Chameleon" and instead just write the whole thing. My reasons for doing it are: (one) my drawings of "Alucard" and "Father Anderson" aren't good enough; (two) it's just too long; and (three) I'm too busy with my novels. So, I guess the comic thing would stay on my mental shelf for a while.
BUT... the good news is that the first "Scargo" short story is complete. And so, with great pleasure, I introduce you to "Scargo-Chameleon"!
Scargo
Chameleon
Warning! The following contains dialogue and visual content unsuitable for minors. With that in mind, I want to make a shoutout to all the Hellsing fans! I especially want to shout out all those who have created fan art and their own OCs. And yes, there will be a lot of hype for Hellsing, too.
It was the spring of 2037. The Scargo crew settled in our new manor/headquarters. Our jobs slowly came back to normal. And when I say “normal,” I mean the usual vampire slaying! Third/fourth-rate red-light vampires, the ones the agents and staff alike call “coquitos.” Those are our usual targets.
For six years, since the American vampire slaying organization was renewed, we’ve delved into something more than our usual coquitos. We’ve dealt with a thousand-year-old vampire that was part of the Unholy War. We fought against monster hybrids. We’ve dealt with vampires that didn’t just drink blood, but digest brain matter. We have fought other demonic red-lights, such as malignant jinn, viper demons, and Antarctic Viking undead, with a serpent god! Yeah, I could tell you more about our current missions, but nah, it’ll only bore the hell out of you!
Let’s talk, instead, about this minor case. Picture this: Scargo Headquarters, early May this year. We heard our Boss Lady, the then Captain (now Major) Melanie O’Sheehan, talk about her younger years as a spectator. Back then, her uncle, Captain Robert Leroy Larkson, was the leader of the Larkson Organization. Stories like this gave her agents an incentive to write many fan fiction stories. What fan fiction, you ask? To be specific, “Hellsing.”
So, before we proceed, allow me to digress about Hellsing, to those who have never heard of the name. And for those that do, skip to the following few paragraphs. Now, “Hellsing” was created by a Japanese Manga-Ka, Kota Hirano. It’s about a vampire-slaying organization in the United Kingdom where they discovered a new breed of vampires. The vampires in question were artificially created. The sole purpose for creating…was the most ridiculous purpose I’ve ever heard! You don’t believe me, watch them yourselves!
Anyway, there are a few characters that made their audience want more. First, the leader, Sir Integra Fairbrook Windgates Hellsing, is one Iron Maiden. She is a stable, formidable leader. In my eyes, she has a lot of weight on her shoulders and wants to prove herself to many people. For someone so young, she is one strong woman.
Then there is Seras Victoria, “Hellsing’s” sex symbol. Delightful, a sweetheart of the bunch, she is the light among the shadows. She got turned into a vampire in the last few moments of her living life. She has the drive of a Capricorn with the emotions of a lion. She is loving and tender, yet powerful when guided by the right person.
And then we have an unexpected “main” character. Now I find him a being with mystique and intrigue. The girls in our manor adore him, maybe even more than that. The guys don’t know whether to fight him for fun or do something else. He had lived for over five hundred years at that time, with different plans in each lifetime. People in this lifetime call him “Alucard.”
Now, on to this story! While I was listening to the Boss Lady talk about her early years of spectating, I called a bunch of people. Most of them were women who said they loved that beast of a vampire. In fact, I heard the guy’s name on every call. And some of them were on the verge of tears. Some were so disturbed about what they wanted to do to that guy. I mean, damn! Some women were aggressive.
“Yeah, girl, I hear ya. I would love, love, love, LOVE to bind him in bed and would…tickle his gonads with feathers and boas. And oh yeah, he deserves everything that is coming to him. Now, the Boss Lady got something for you, a message if you want the deets. She said, "You know what it is if you hear it." She said, ‘Operation Vlading his Tepes’ will make a foundation soon.’”
Now, the woman we call Boss Lady had finished her mission story, and the agents and staff were mesmerized. I must admit, seeing her as a young, awkward teenager makes me wonder about life. The way life turns out can be unexpected, turning a clumsy, loner teenager into a mature, dedicated woman. The way she handled her crew and the helm was based on her own experiences in her youth. She learned from every error she made and turned it into an advantage.
This current operation must stem from her early stages in life. She told many stories while we were in Philly. I looked at my notes about each story that day. I didn’t see anything related to what she planned to do that day. When the doorbell rang, I ran over to her and stopped her. I needed to ask her one question.
“Boss Lady, I gotta know something. This plan you have in your head. Is this based on one of your life experiences?”
The Boss Lady laughed, shaking her head. “Ah, no, Tigra, this plan that I have is a combination of Valencia’s war strategy, Juan’s family past, Lakeesha’s sexual fantasy-ooh! I shouldn’t have mentioned that part. But let’s say this plan in my head has every Alpha agent’s input on what they have in mind. I will not say any further.”
Lance opened the door wide, showing the guests to the Boss Lady. “Major O’Sheehan, Mr. Brandon Stanton is present.”
“Ah, yes, Lance, we were expecting him.” Melanie stood up and moved to the lobby’s entrance. “Now, fellow agents, be on your best behavior with our guest. You may know him, but he barely knows you. So, remember that. And Juan, pick up Valencia before she decides to hump our guest.”
Valencia scoffed at the idea. “Boss Lady! I’m offended by that! The very idea I would jump on our expected guest and hump him like a chihuahua!”
“A lot of people call you a Pomeranian.” Daisy Mae corrected the four-foot vampire. The youthful vampire snarled at her. “Do not correct me, you eggplant gobbler!”
Juan picked up the vampire, his arms leveling hers so she could be restrained. This pose was also relaxing, and she dozed off. But once a man took his first few steps in the lobby, her eyes darted to the man. She tried to let go, but her arms failed her. “Curse you, Madam Deveraux, and your YouTubeX bondage tutorials!’
The Boss Lady walked to the man in question. His hair flowed past his knees, color blacker than a raven’s feathers. His skin shone bright behind his orange shades. His smile flashed when he caught sight of the woman in charge. His light tan overcoat hugged his slim body, the belt dangling to the floor. Dirt-free gloves covered his hands.
“Mr. Stanton,” the Boss Lady said, offering her hand to shake. “It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”
“The pleasure,” Mr. Stanton took her hand and kissed it lightly, “is all mine.”
The Boss Lady cooed softly, her pomegranate lips pursed. She flicked her hand away, her eyes shimmering from the compliments. “Your…I want to say your employer in this case was supposed to be here.”
“Yes, she was,” Mr. Stanton took off his shades, showing his dark eyes. “It was unfortunate she had caught the flu last week. She sent her regrets. Otherwise, she would have been here herself with her new associate.”
“I know how that is, Sir.” The Boss Lady turned to her alpha agents, who gawked. “Mr. Stanton, these are my agents of the Alpha Squad. They are responsible for training the younger vampire slayers. Not to mention they’ve been slaying the red-light monsters since day one of Scargo’s foundation.”
And she pointed to the following members (and it’s a doozy, so forgive me if it’s long). We have Violetta (Weapon designer/Smith), Vicks (Main Defender), Tonie (Seductress Spy), Lucas (Main communicator), Juan (Main Driver, owner of the Vampiric Asshole cannon), Cams (Tech Engineer), Charles (Diplomat/Mediator), Marcus ( Stone & Earth Specialist, hands-on fighter), Sang (Archery Slayer), Sandy (Light Enthusiast/Healer), Janelle (Mood Booster/Aquatic Fighter), Daisy Mae (Grower, Sniper), Kavya (Sniper/Metal Contortionist), Alayna (Cloner/Main Shapeshifter), Miranda (Fire & Metal Specialist), Valencia (War & Vampire Strategist).
“And finally,” She let Lakeesha approach the man in a light tan suit. “This is Lakeesha. She is the head assassin of the Alpha Squad. If anyone knows how to handle vampires firsthand, people go to her.” She grinned softly. “Maybe you’re familiar with her nickname. Only her close-knit friends call her this. She goes by Police Girl.”
The young woman in yellow approached the man in a suit, took his hand, and kissed it in respect. Her yellow eyes gazed into his as her plump lips curved into a smile. “What an honor to have a distinguished guest. Are we to assume our guest will be staying for a day?”
The tall man gripped her hand, his face unreadable. “I will first…need to rest after staying up later than usual. But once I’m up in the evening, I would like to take a tour of this organization.”
Melanie coughed, and her hand gently took Lakeesha’s hand from his. “Of course, Mr. Stanton. You are, after all, our guest. Ana Lisa will show you to your room. It’s at sub-room- Juan cover Val’s mouth!- sixty-nine.”
Juan covered Valencia’s mouth before she even commented. All the spunky little vampire could do was turn her face purple while mumbling behind the man’s hand. Juan could barely keep her composure at it was. He struggled as he tried to restrain the vampire. Sang, being the supportive girlfriend, picked up Valencia and hummed her Korean lullaby as Ana Lisa led the guest to his room.
“Yes, Mr. Stanton, one of the housemaids warmed up a bedoffin just for you.” Said the lady butler. Mr. Stanton blinked at her. “I beg your pardon. A what?”
“A bedoffin.” Violetta butted in. “I invented it for my little spunky friend. But I’ve gotten orders from vampires at a global rate. It’s quite popular.”
Mr. Stanton stood aloof. “I need a definition of this ‘bedoffin.’”
“All right, so, in layman's terms, it is a combination of a bed and a coffin. You have the coffin dead set in the center for sleep, among other things. The bedoffin provides snacks and drinks (many of which include blood). We have a few spaces to put your most essential items (i.e., your Casull and Jackal). And if you want some entertainment, there is a universal remote control to let you watch anything you want.”
“And, it’s also a bed.”
“Well, yes! A bed part is for anything you like. It could be for taking a night nap, for target practice, for a bit of rumpy-pumpy if you get a little frisky.”
Mr. Stanton only stood there, unamused. “Major O’Sheehan, your agents treat vampires like one of their own. How suggestible are they?”
“They’re not,” The Boss Lady assured him as they walked behind the butler to the main hallway elevator. “We have our own system on how to deal with supernatural threats. That is one of the main reasons your employer wants to sign a few contracts with us.”
“Yes,” Mr. Stanton glanced at the smith. “One of the contracts also concerns a weapon trade.”
“Yes, Mr. Stanton.” The Boss Lady stood with him before stepping into the elevator with the man. Once the elevator doors shut, the Alpha Squad buzzed about to the others. Everyone talked about their guest all morning. I was talking to Esmerelda, the head housekeeper, when the Boss Lady returned. She was bewildered.
“Well,” O’Sheehan sat on the settee, smiling widely. “Mr. Stanton is one interesting fellow. There is no doubt about that. He has his own coffin…”
“And?” Esmerelda asked with a hint of curiosity. The Boss Lady pointed at the large object, all covered in black knotted cloth. “That’s his. He informed me his coffin will know where he is. I’m not sure how.”
We watched the large object for a minute. And then, limbs broke out of the cloth. That made those who were in the room make a colonial house out of our colons! And at a quick pace, the coffin crawled out of the lobby. I was beside myself. Esmerelda excused herself and moved to the nearest hall. She said she wanted to clean the bathroom. Well, my guess is she wanted to clean something in her bathroom, then she would clean the room afterward.
Lola and Tanner entered the Lobby, looking back at the hallway. Lola’s dog ears were upright and her nose sniffed all over the room. “Hey, Boss Lady, did you see a coffin with legs crawling by here?”
“I’d rather not talk about that if I were blunt with you.” The Boss Lady commented. Lakeesha and Janelle grabbed Lola and let her join them, talking to her about the situation. Lola gasped as Tanner leaned over the main couch, joining the Alpha guys. “Eh, so, we have a special guest in our midst.”
Charles grinned as he saw that Lola’s eyes were dazzled by all her friends’ commotion. “Our guest is here on behalf of his master. Said that this organization has gained enough reputation to receive attention from European powers.”
“And you know this how?” Tanner folded his arms. Charles smirked as Lola sat on his lap. “Dude, he’s here. I saw a satchel under his left arm. That he has stacks of documents for us.”
The Boss Lady nodded. “I saw that old leather-bound satchel myself. They are, in fact, stacks of documents. Gold eye award for you, Charles.”
“Hey, I don’t have just a sexy face, you know.” Charles kissed Lola’s slender, fluffy neck, making Lola grin. Janelle sighed with excitement. “Man, I can’t believe he’s here! The legendary vampire himself is in Scargo Organization!”
“For business,” The Boss Lady added, being strict with the situation. “Now, everyone can be excited about it while he’s not here. But remember, he’s as normal as you and me. He needs as much respect as the rest of us.”
Esmerelda came out of the room, her Fabreeze bomb spray in her hand, and placed it in her pocket. “Are we talking about that tall, mystical creature with a crawling coffin?”
The Boss Lady fixed her dark hair and placed her bang over her ear. “Yes, Ezzy, I mean him. I know you are a bit hostile with him-“
“Hostile?” The head housekeeper cried, looking offended. “Boss Lady, as a descendant of a long line of Sicilian lineage, this is not hostility. I could have done worse to the coffin if it stood on its hind legs! I’d get a Molotov cocktail and toss it at it without remorse! If that’s not Sicilian hostility, I don’t know what else is.
“The feeling that I possess right now is suspicious. He said Sir Integra Hellsing came down with the flu. I’ve seen how active she is and read her autobiography about her routine. Her physical activities were walking four miles every morning, fencing, and swimming in her indoor pool every evening.”
“Provided if they don’t have missions, you mean.” Kavya piped up quietly. Esmerelda nodded, affirming the point. “Fair point, Kavya, fair point. That itself is a physical activity. Sometimes it’s more vigorous than field & track. I know some of you recalled hurtling, climbing, running, and jumping long distances to catch your targets. That’s not an easy job. Now, my point is, as active as Sir Hellsing is, there is no way she would catch the flu.”
Melanie caught Valencia floating around, giggling and in her own little world. That gave her time to debate. “That is true, Ezzy, I agree with you. However, from what I heard from the horse’s mouth, she had her share of smoking cigars for years. That would put a damper on her respiratory health.”
Esmerelda picked up her Swifty duster stick. “You know, Boss Lady, you may be right. I’m just having these strange vibes toward this person. He claims he’s the person he’s not.”
The Boss Lady grinned. “I appreciate your concern, Esmerelda. If that is the case, we will do something about it.”
“I know you will.” The head housekeeper left the room, her leather shoes clacking across the marble hall. “Thank you, Boss Lady.”
The Boss Lady chuckled, keeping her thoughts to herself as her major squads gathered together. When they talked about the guest, the room created an echoing commotion. Valencia was doing all the talking, her eyes moving rapidly and her body shaking. That represents excitement on the verge of an aneurysm. Melanie knew she was going to burst, so she asked for the housemaid boy over.
“You called, Boss Lady?” The young man asked, touching his French maid's skirt. The Boss Lady gestured for him to follow Valencia. “Yes, James, your girlfriend is in distress about our guest.”
“Distress” is a questionable word. In my head, seeing the vampire shaking like that, I would go along the line of “eruption of excitement”. I only see that when she was about to jump on someone and then hump them. And James was the only person who would calm her. So, when the Boss Lady asked him to calm Valencia, he knew what to do. He went to the couch where she sat and lifted his skirt. When she glanced and checked what he got, she squealed and passed out.
“Did you ask him to knock her out with his new thong?” Juan asked the Boss Lady. She just looked at the spunky little vampire who snored peacefully. “Well, I asked him to calm his girlfriend. If that means exciting her to climactic heights, then we would take that. Anything is better than being sued.”
Throughout the day, the Scargo Manor went on as usual. I did my thing, working on files on their latest cases. The latest major case concerned another vampire hybrid. I’m talking about vampires with reptilian features, like split tongues, shiny scale-like skin, strange colored eyes, slit and round alike. And the Gamma Squad, agents that mainly go undercover, came back from fighting against “Gator Ghouls.” Usually, Boss Lady would tear a person a new one for mislabeling a species. But hearing how demonic the Gators acted, she let it slide.
Evening fell, and the kitchen was busy preparing specific dishes for the guests. Lorelei, the head chef, created a menu featuring British dishes. And this wordplay she used was so ridiculous yet sus. For example, instead of “Beef Wellington,” she wrote “Beefcake William.” Instead of Yorkshire pudding, she named it “Jan expired pudding.” And instead of Toad in the Hole, she labeled it “Tod & his-“
“Sacre fume, Lorelei!” Michelle stared at the menu as the agents settled for an early dinner. “Are you serving us…us?!”
“You are being ridiculous, Michelle.” Lorelei moved her German buff body, checking on the chafing dishes for the buffet. “The dishes are to amuse our vampiric guest. The night shift cooks are doing his dishes. And, ach, I do not want to know where they got their goods. Let alone who was the unfortunate soul that ended up in the pot.”
Michelle’s nose turned up. “Now I know how Daisy Mae feels. You may need to dump out your cookware after all this.”
“Dat’s da ding. The night shift brought their own cookware. They informed me that it’s their property and that it’s their job to clean it as they see fit. I need to let my prejudice aside and let them handle it.”
Michelle, the day-shift librarian, spread her roll with butter as she heard her friend vent. “Lorelei, mon ami, I couldn’t help but wonder. Who are these people Melanie hired as the night shift cooks?”
“You know the ‘Dairy Men’ from the Little Bara district with poses that would compete with Power Rangers? They’re the night cooks, as well as being part of the minor Chameleon Squad.”
The librarian’s brown eyes widened, her thin mouth opened. “She hired them? Wouldn’t the vampire act strange when he meets one of them?”
Lorelei caught a short, frog-like person with buggy eyes walking with a tray of long prawn cocktails. Lorelei shrugged. “Gurtty is a kind fellow. He loves serving food to people. He needs a heap of love.”
I was in the dining hall with my friends, getting my grub when he came by. There he was, Mr. Brandon Stanton, walking by with his dark gray suit with a red geranium in his left breast pocket. He approached the Boss Lady, who dined with her assistant, George Ferguson, her friends, and her niece, Penny. He grinned at her, his eyes softer than rabbit fur.
“Major,” he purred, his stance made the atmosphere darker. The Boss Lady stood, her demeanor cheerful. She introduced him to her friends, George, Lorelei, Michelle, the head gardener, Amelia, and the head physician, Olga. She finally introduced him to her niece. Now I couldn’t hear what was said, but as they turned to the other table, Penny tugged her aunt’s sleeve, whispering something to her. By the look on the seventeen-year-old's face, something spooked the hell out of her.
“No worries, Penny, darling, all will return to its normalcy. Trust your auntie Mel.”
“I trust you, Aunt Mel.” Penny’s smile turned bright, turning to the table and chatting about her day. As they approached our table, I heard Mr. Stanton asking the Boss Lady about the aunt/niece role. They were related, yet their skin tones were different. The Boss Lady was used to the question, so her answer was swift. “I married an O’Sheehan. I kept the name for the love of my late husband, Patrick.”
Mr. Stanton understood her. “My condolences for your loss, Major.”
“He was special to me, Mr. Stanton. I will say this, he would never think we would inherit this manor or the adventures we had. And here is our dedicated person who oversees keeping the records, Miss Tigra Thorpe. Tigra, I’m sure you’ve briefly met Mr. Stanton.”
I stood and met Mr. Stanton’s gaze. Oh, his eyes had a certain orange glow among the red. I couldn’t help but notice his face. It was clean-shaven, blemish-free, and had no sign of a scar. His smile appeared warm, but there was a brash, teeth-chattering wind chill behind it. I touched his hand to shake it. The feeling from his hand felt as tepid as used-up bathwater. “Yes, Boss Lady, and he seems like a nice, young fellow.”
I kept my composure and kept my thoughts to myself. Yet, as I let go, Mr. Stanton’s gaze darted at mine. His voice was deep and penetrating when he stated softly, “You have a steady sense of direction, yet your nerves are overriding you. Who could blame you when you have a monster in your midst?”
Now, how’s that for chilling effect? I tell you, my back froze from that statement. I didn’t have the heart to say to the Boss Lady what he told me, but the Boss Lady has other intentions. Gurtty, one of my new friends from a minor squad, came over to me, giving me a slip of paper. I opened the letter and found a set of instructions. The first was to inform the night-shift secretary, Amara Velvet, of what I had heard.
Now, despite her being a succubus, she and I are tight, good friends. She’s got her life, and I've got mine. But we have tons in common, and we gossip. So, once I told her what Mr. Stanton told me, she got to work on her special laptop. Her little red fingers had quite the workout. Her layered net crossed barriers our internet would never cross.
“There!” She pointed at the screen. She folded her arms as her slick ponytail fell on her slim shoulder. “That’s our monster. There is no question about this. He’s planning something.”
From what I saw, this was bigger than just a contract signing. I couldn’t find any words. And now the Boss Lady is attempting to face him. I don’t know if she was brave or foolish. But then I remind myself that she is pragmatic, planning for every angle and possibility.
“Where is the Boss Lady right now?” I asked Amara. The light red succubus smiled. “She’s giving that guy a tour as we speak5. Oh, to be a ghost to float around them.”
I thought that when I heard a bell ring. I saw a random wolf-life character I’ve never seen before, buttoning up his suit and putting on his aloe gloves before opening the door. I saw a bunch of heads in the entrance corridors. I turned to Amara. “Girl, we got ourselves a party!”
“The Boss Lady knows them,” The succubus said as the wolfman entered the lobby again, coughing. “The Boss Lady informed me that the guests should make themselves at home. Should I take them to their rooms?”
“Yeah, Gunther, you can take them. The Boss Lady gave me plenty of information about them. I’ll tell my dayshift counterpart in on the Boss Lady’s plan.”
“Plan?” I asked her as I saw some of the guests rushing behind the gray slate wolf man. Amara pulled me over. “Yeah, girl, the Boss Lady texted me all about it. Now, let’s sit and discuss it, step-by-step.”
While Amara and I gabbed about the plan, The Boss Lady showed Mr. Stanton around the manor and her nighttime crew. She took him to a few places that interested him most. There was a firing range out in the South field. There was a welding room where Violetta and some of the minor squad members helped her make slaying gadgets to do their jobs. She took him to a virtual room where new squad members tested their skills against digital monsters.
“I’ve developed human whimsy a few decades ago.” Mr. Stanton admitted that his face showed fascination in the simulation room. “Now, you gave me a gift of curiosity. Major, your organization might be young, but from your leadership, it has the potential to meet the expectations of the oldest vampire-slaying organization. Master would approve of your methods.”
“I’m sure she would like to see the whole manor herself. Now, there is one more room you would enjoy the most. My agents call it ‘Hell’s Basement.’”
Mr. Stanton grinned widely. “Is that right? Well, let’s see this Hell’s Basement.”
“Now, I would like that, but…” Melanie turned to the Alpha Squad leader, who came out of her training ground. “I need to make my own contracts for your master to exchange. I’m afraid I can’t show you. But, she can. Police Girl, you’re finished training already?”
Lakeesha smiled widely, waving her swan pistols. “These babies are too hot right now. Either I need to take it easy, or Dr. Marty and Bernie Garret need to add more levels to their virtual reality game.”
“Well, if it’s okay with you…you can show Mr. Stanton Hell’s Basement.”
The Boss Lady gave her head agent a tiny wink. Lakeesha’s bright yellow eyes brightened. “You mean the Hell’s Basement?” She turned to the guest for the night. “All right.” She said nonchalantly, giving Mr. Stanton a soft smile. “Let me show you the way, Mr. Stanton.”
The head Alpha agent walked forward, leading the guest down the hall. The Boss Lady gave the two a thumbs-up before turning back to the west hall. She saw a few staff members and agents. She whispered something in their ears, and they rushed instantly. Moments later, she returned to the lobby, where Amara and I kept chatting about the plan.
“All right, Amara, you told our Tigra the plan?”
“She knows about the plan, Boss Lady. Is our guest following Agent Jupiter?”
“Yep.” The Boss Lady sat down and crossed her legs as our portal maker, Palinka, rushed to her. “Boss Lady! I heard the code popcorn! Are we there?”
“We will know in a few more minutes. I think Mr. Stanton will enjoy a challenge.”
A doorbell rang, scaring everyone (except the Boss Lady). Gunther rushed through the entrance hall and opened the door. A tall man walked into the manor, bayonets gripped in his hands. His boot steps echoed in the hall, making anyone’s skin run cold. I saw the new guest enter the lobby, and the first thing I noticed was a scar on his left cheek.
“Good evening…Major O’Sheehan,” The tall man’s piercing eyes went directly to the Boss Lady. He walked over to her, seeing her in a Philadelphia Eagles sweatshirt and jeans. “I know you’re hiding him.”
The Boss Lady blinked, acting innocent, which she was to some degree. “Hiding…who?”
The new guest swiped one of his bayonets at the Boss Lady’s chest. “You know who I’m talking about, American floozy! The vampire heathen, Hellsing’s hell dog!”
The agents who had already arrived grabbed their weapons and aimed them at the aggressor. The Boss Lady didn’t budge. “Careful, Father,” she acknowledged the guest, seeing his collar. She smirked. “You’re in my organization now, Catholic devil! Scargo is far worse than Hellsing. Take my word for it.”
The priest moved closer, daring to smirk back at the Boss Lady. “Is that right? Where is your-“
She pressed her small red anti-freak pistol, Vega, to his chest. “Don’t bother saying another word. I have my protection right here. Though…if you want a challenge, far be it from me to let you down. Better still, far be it from Scargo to put you down!”
At Hell’s Basement, Lakeesha showed Mr. Stanton a dark, chilling room, with dungeons as halls and skulls as walls. Chains dangled above them as they approached the larger room. It was even darker than the entrance room. So dark, an average person would get Nyctophobia. The vampire’s eyes beamed, looking around the area. The breeze chilled him through his core.
“This is…delightful!” He laughed maniacally. His teeth changed to shark teeth. “This is perfect for a battle! Your organization has everything a vampire dreams of!”
Lakeesha chuckled, gripping her swan pistols. “I get the feeling you’re aroused with this.”
“Aroused is an understatement! I’m about to burst, it’s so great!”
“Good. I’m glad we’re on the same page.” Lakeesha grinned, changing her eyes from yellow to red. “Now, let’s get it.”
Mr. Stanton turned his head when she shot him in the chest. He fell flat on his back as Lakeesha leaped to him. She placed her black swan pistol to his head. When he thought she would land on him, she stopped only inches away. She floated there, expecting him to pull out his weapons.
“Well?” Lakeesha asked him, her face showing him a fierce side of herself. Mr. Stanton stared at her. He couldn’t get a word in. “Aren’t you going to use Casull and Jackal?”
“Oh, you want to fight me?”
“Duh!” Lakeesha jumped back, standing on the granite floor. Mr. Stanton stood and grinned at the young woman. “You may want to fight me, but believe me, green one, you’re not worthy to be my rival.”
Lakeesha was unfazed. “Bet, Alucard.”
Mr. Stanton’s eyes turned wide at her. “Do you want to die?”
“Can you kill me?” Lakeesha asked, changing once again. She grinned wider, her eyes changing from scarlet to crimson. Her hair spiked like lightning, the tips sparked with electricity. Her white teeth grew sharp and crescent-shaped. Her clawed hands gripped her swan pistols, lightning streaks running through them. “As I said, King of the Undead…bet!”
She charged at him, her whole self in mid-air, and shot him with lightning. He dodged her every bullet. They moved at every corner of the basement. He figured his new opponent was arrogant and foolish. He was sure her ammo would run out as much as her energy.
“Come on, Police Girl,” The vampire stopped in the middle of the room, scoffing at the young challenger. “You’re getting ahead of yourself. All you’re doing is disappoint me with your pathetic attempts to impress me.”
He saw a streak of lightning running past his right ear. A crash behind made him blink. “Hmm. Did you refill your pistols that quickly?”
“Refill?” Lakeesha said behind him. The new challenger’s form was different. Her lips were ebony, her eyes black and red with her pupils white. Her back had a pair of eagle wings. Her uniform was now entirely black, from her head scarf to her combat boots. “I haven’t used my bullets once. I’ve only shot streaks of lightning.”
Alucard turned his head to his challenger, his face changed. Lakeesha grinned at his expression, chuckling. “Well, Alucard, I must say your speed is formidable. And your stamina is unmatched. I’m curious, though. How are you at endurance?”
“Endurance, I have plenty, Police Girl. Patience, on the other hand, I lack the most.”
“That’s okay, baby,” Lakeesha said, her lightning streaks around her turned black. “I never have patience either. And if you don’t attack me, I will also lose tact, crimson fucker!”
She leaped at him, fighting him at every inch of the room. Each time she charged him, he dodged him. Each time he dodged, she yelled, “Fight me!” Each time, she became more aggressive. She cursed at him during the latest charges. “Fucking fight me, you king of cowardly pussies!”
There, Alucard slipped. He turned, and he fell on the granite floor. He questioned how he even got on the floor when Lakeesha landed on him. She gripped his shoulders, pulling him to her, with her enraged eyes. Her black, cat-like nails gripped him so hard, he bled through his shoulders. The woman lowered her voice, sounding dark and penetrating.
“Fight me, you ungrateful, blood-licking dragon spawn!”
“You…” Alucard’s eyes widened, his breath grew rapid. “You are…a monster.”
Lakeesha’s eyes blinked. She then cackled darkly. “Oh, you’re calling me a monster? This from a pot that called a kettle black! But don’t categorize me with what you call cockroaches. If I’m being blunt, I’m not even a vampire.”
She then hugged the vampire around his waist with her wings, squeezing him. His chest pressed on her breasts. She glared at him with her intense crimson stare. Her grin was all he could see. It was good, since she would do all the talking.
“You see, the Boss Lady omitted one critical detail. Yes, all the major squads are human to one degree or another. However, all the squads have supernatural powers. Me? I am a child of Nyx. Unlike you, I can change back to human at will. But I don’t like changing back into a human just yet. I’ve just begun playing with you.
“Take out your guns, first-rate red light! Transform into Nosferatu! Push me off and charge me like a dog! Even better, get out all your familiars! I want a damn challenge! We have all night to fight to the death!”
“That won’t be necessary, Agent Jupiter,” a calm voice appeared out of nowhere. Lights in the ceiling glowed a golden peach. The skulls disappeared, replaced by screens. On the screen, a panorama shot of the crowded lobby stared back at Hell’s Basement. Some were even eating popcorn while watching. Lakeesha changed back when she saw the Boss Lady at the west wall.
“Did we entertain you, Boss Lady?” Lakeesha’s yellow eyes returned as she gripped Alucard by the waist. The Boss Lady grinned, her legs crossed. “Yepper, Police Girl, or I should say Agent Jupiter. You’ve done your part to perfection.”
Lakeesha noticed a small red mark on the Boss Lady’s right cheek. “You had a scuffle on your own, I take it.”
“Oh yeah, a minor one. ‘Father Anderson’ was a handful…until our spunky little vampire tackled him from the chandelier. After that, we got the upper hand.”
She moved to the side, and our priest was bound to the chair, gagged, and surrounded by his own bayonets. The ones that carried them were the guests we welcomed earlier. One of the girls slashed the priest’s sweater with the bayonet, exposing his masculine chest. Alucard gasped. “Jason!” He cried.
The Boss Lady cooed like a joyful dove. “So, the truth is coming out from you after all!” She laughed as she sat on the seat beside “Father Anderson.” “Oh, well, we know the truth for a long while now. How dreadful for you. We lured you into our trap so easily.”
“A what?” Alucard growled, but Lakeesha squeezed his waist harder. The Boss Lady wiggled her finger at the vampire. “So, Brandon Stanton, better known as Bernado Santiago. Either way, your name is B.S. You and your…I will say partner, Jason Stull, are new real estate agents who wants to make a quick buck. You two had quite a massive scheme here. You play Alucard and Father Anderson, respectively, and you enter an unsuspecting victim’s house to do a little roleplay.
“Now, you two looking like them to a fault is quite an advantage. Plus, you studied your doppelganger’s mannerisms, right down to their most minor tics. You used that to get what you want. The victims you see before you? Those are my real clients. You took something from them, all ten of them.
“Now, each tale from all ten victims was the same. They saw a post from an agency on social media. They saw the word ‘Hellsing,’ and couldn’t resist. They would call your number to arrange entertainment for their friends. You arrive with a couple of contracts. Before you begin entertaining the household, you convince the victims to sign a contract. Well, what they signed, instead, were ‘legal’ property documents, which you concocted.”
“Alucard” was stunned at the Boss Lady’s unraveling. Valencia giggled as she placed her bat blade to “Father Anderson’s” neck. “Tell them the part about how they shocked their victims, Boss Lady.”
“Getting to it, Val. So, your scheme goes as follows. You show up and give your fans your attention. Then, Father Anderson shows up and challenges you. You fought for… half an hour at most. Then…things get heated up. I won’t say how. I’ll let you guess what came next. But after that…the clients found out that evening they were homeless!
“What a bombastic dilemma! Police show up, telling the clients that they are now trespassers. They deny it until you show up and show them the property deed they signed over to you. Poor things should have adequately read first, but their hearts ruled over their heads, and you two knew that. And with that, you two got a fantastic property and days later, put it for sale.
“That is quite the scheme. Unfortunately, like many thieves before you, you were too clouded by your own conceit. Your mask slipped. One of the clients has a close friend. She’s here with her right now. She took a good look at the contracts she just signed. That angered her. Her friend didn’t look that well, but she had to do something, so what did she do? You are a vampire, you and Father Anderson. Oh, yes, that friend also examined your partner’s teeth. Priests should never have a vampire’s grill. That was when she saw our ad. One call was all it took.”
The vampire’s face darkened, his true self shown. “You vile American viper! I will eviscerate you!”
“With what?” The Boss Lady turned to Ana Lisa, who pulled out Casull and Jackal. “My butler took your guns while you weren’t looking. Nice work on replicating them, too! Shame your 3-D printer didn’t make them denser.”
“Father Anderson” sighed in defeat. “Bernado, it’s over. Our scheme went over our heads.”
“Fine,” “Alucard” snarled, his face red from suffocating. “Are you going to arrest us now?”
“Arrest?” The Boss Lady laughed heartily. “Honey, the supernatural has their own method of punishment. We’re doing the Succubus way to punish you.”
Amara appeared out of the crowd, taking the guns from Ana Lisa. She gripped them tightly and stood beside the Boss Lady. “Here you go, Boss Lady.”
“Thank you, Amara. Now, you created these guns, and they will be your punishment. But…not the way you’re thinking.”
“Then…” “Alucard’s” shoulders shivered, beginning to show fear. “What are you gonna do?”
“Nah-uh! I won’t do a thing! These… my night-shift secretary used a touch-curse on both guns. Once touched by their owner…well, let’s say they will render the owner helpless.”
“How?” Jason asked bewilderedly. The Boss Lady grinned. “How indeed?”
A few hours later, the answer came in a room I want to call an Oxymoron room. It could be your nightmare, and your dream come true. In our fake-ass Alucard’s case, it was torture. Imagine you’re in his shoes, strapped in a bedoffin, with three women licking your loaded Casull. And yes, you heard right, it was a gun they were licking. But with the help of a succubus curse, the gun was the man’s gun!
Our fake-ass Alucard groaned as his fangirls went all over him! Well, with him being topless and all, who could blame the girls? I remember one girl, Lulu, who huffed and complained about watching and not joining. Well, our Boss Lady listened and obliged. How? By adding Jackal to the mix. Just like Casull, Amara put a Salacious Hex on the Jackal. So, the fan girls had their way with licking and sucking both his…ahem!
And there was Lakeesha lying above the “coffin” pit on the bed, watching and laughing as she playfully rubbed fake-ass Alucard’s “nipples”. I said it in quotes since Amara also put hexes on the bullets. She couldn’t help but smirk as she teased their vampiric culprit.
“Come on!” The fake-ass no-life king growled, feeling Scargo’s police tugging his bronze bullet nipples. “You can’t do this to Jason and me! We will have you arrested!”
The Boss Lady didn’t blink an eye and was eating a monster blizzard while watching. “Oh? And risk your freedom by revealing why your victims are doing this to you? You do the crime, you must do your time…in the bedoffin until Alucard’s fans are satisfied.”
Jason sweated incisively as his boyfriend got “pleasured” in a torturous way. Valencia took advantage of the fake-ass priest, making up limericks to keep him “up.” One of them made me chuckle. It went like, “Always love him, want to cuff him, give that cunt some hickeys! Lick his Casull, suck his Jackal, rub them ammo nippies!”
It took the fan girls forty-five minutes to get our cunt count to be on edge. His five-second groan gave it away. The fans got excited and sped things along. Lakeesha leaned to his ear, always wanting to say it to the real Alucard. “Aww, you’re getting close, aren’t you, my crimson warrior adversary? It’s okay…you can release your restrictions.”
The deep, soft voice in his ear made our culprit scream and explode. The bullets popped, and the guns sprayed lots of hot marshmallows! (Yes, I said marshmallows since one of the fans suggested it!) And our vampire trembled, feeling wiped out. However, the fans weren’t satisfied. The Boss Lady felt their frustration and turned to the priest. “Tell me, Padre, for context, how many bayonets does it take to satisfy that vampire?”
Sometime later, after the whole punishment was done, I typed down the report while Lakeesha sat with me. The lobby was calm and peaceful after that wild punishment viewing. As I typed, I asked our police girl if she would do anything to the real Alucard as she did to the fake one. Her answer was blunt yet fair.
“Honestly? Alucard has centuries of warfare ahead of me. If I pulled a stunt like that on the real deal, I may end up like Luke Valentine. I certainly want to avoid that fate. So, it’s safe to say I will keep my distance from being his rival. Besides, I have my own rival: that Romanian Douche from the Thanatos Organization.”
Before I end this tale, many of you wondered about the walking coffin. Well, Esmerlda took care of that while the punishment was in effect. One huge axe from her supply closet, and BAM! The coffin (and the mechanical device that moved it) turned into nothing but pieces of wood. Silver lining: We have extra firewood for Christmas!
Edit:
Okay, one last thing before you go! This last segment was due to a GIF short created by one of the many talented Hellsing artists! I'm going to give this artist some credit for this! Zapfish-juice, you are absolutely brilliant! Keep making those wonderful, lovely Andercard artwork!
And also, a quick shoutout to one of many Hellsing fans, the one who posts stuff I wouldn't dare to do! Thirstyforlulu! Girl, you know how much I love your naughty stories about Alucard/Reader! Damn, I wouldn't write about it if I tried!
