The world was far too big and all too small for the girl in the car.
The trees went by so fast they began to blur, but the moon stayed steady and stationary, not moving at all.
Oh how she wished to live like the moon; changing, day by day, in small, barely noticeable ways, never the same for long, but always constant in the way it's always there in the sky, even if you don't see it.
Alas, fate's humor is dark and her longing wish seems farther each day.
And today is the day it seems the farthest.
58 kilometers far to be exact.
58 kilometers behind her is the home she lived in for more than 10 years.
And 8 kilometers in front of her is the "Welcome to Seattle" signboard that seemed fatalistic in it's bright but faded colors.
Seattle had done nothing to her, yet she hated all that it stood for.
Hated the schools it boasted about where she knew no one and would be all alone. Hated the streets that she has never walked before and held none of her favorite shops. Hated the vast number of stores that she had to explore, on a quest to find comfort she couldn't in her home. She hated that everything was new and she couldn't find an ounce of familiarity in any inch of this new city.
A little girl with pigtails stomped her glitter covered shoe in her ribcage; again and again, saying the same thing again and again in a pitiful tantrum; *i hate it, i hate it, i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it*
*i want to go home* she whined.
*oh little one, it doesn't exist anymore* her jaded older self thought.
*the home you were born into is now an empty apartment that will be filled with another's life soon*
*you have to build a new home for the first time in your life*
*i don't want to, that's not how it's supposed to be* the little girl stomped
*and to that i reply with grief's words "oh, but that's how it is"*
tears swam in the little girls eyes, and dribbled down in thick drops, as big as the pearls her dad says they are
the older girl blinks her own dry eyes quickly
the little girl, safe in her chest, can cry all she wants without a second thought
but the older one that sat unguarded in the car had her parents to worry about
parents that would dive in with their recorded positivity that couldn't drown out their wails of regret no matter how loud they turned up the volume
she didn't rebuke her parents for their decision
she knew that they didn't have a choice
but at some point in her past years, when she was that little girl in pigtails, they had a choice
they had the choice that they didn't have now
but perhaps they never did
they never stood a chance against their own disposition
they were a crooked slave to themselves
they resented their actions and performed some more
you can't change who a person is, she had learnt
but if she could only have one wish for her entire life
it would be to make it so that she could
people are a product of their place
the place they grew up in, their place in the arbitrary societal hierarchy
if she could only have one wish for her entire life
one wish that all the gods, all big and small, had to grant
she'd wish she had the power to change
she wish the world was as malleable as the dirt it was meant to be
and her hands, so slick with tears, could create people and places and pasts and presents
all with a twist of her wrist
the power, the security that no matter what happens she had the means to change would save her from so much heartache, so much regret, so much pain
*but that would make you god, and you are but a mere mortal, it is mortal fate to feel regret and pain and feel a heart break*
*then let me be god* she thought *i am made in his image am i not? let me be god, i do not want to be human*
*this humanity that was spoken of, that was gifted at the price of Prometheus's liver, this humanity that is innate and humane, is not as kind as my teacher taught me it was*
*the way most humans are, you would think humanity is a synonym of tyranny, of cruelty and needless violence, humanity is wars and wins, humanity is dynasty's that fall beneath pride, humanity is stolen pleasures and unpaid debts, humanity is greed and hunger, humanity is fear for an after where our consequences finally affect us,*
*humanity is hubris with a soul*
*the soul makes it salvageable, does it not?*
she dismissed the voice with a shake of her head
*does the fact that a human, no matter how cruel, still has a soul, not leave a chance for redemption?* the voice persisted
*their idea of redemption is a 5 minute prayer and a disregard for religion outside of their benefit*
*they seek shelter in the arms of their protector in times of danger, is that so wrong?*
*they seek shelter but do not follow the rules of the shelter, every religion has only common rule; be kind to all, and yet the one thing that one is, regardless of religion, is unkind*
*unkindliness prevails more than death*
*do you presume you can avoid death if you are kind?*
*i assume less people would be afraid of death if they were kind*
*most of the fear stems from the judgement they'll face, if they're kind, make the effort to be unfalteringly kind, they wouldn't be afraid of judgment*
*do you think most are purposefully unkind?*
*so it is your presumption, you're set of traits that you compare them against, that yields the result that they are unkind*
*are you not being unkind here then?*
*such is the plight of being human i guess*
*you aren't even real, shut up*
*you're the one who listens, no?*
titsay
2087
turnnoffyourmind
theartofmadeline