Venting Because I Need It @ventingbecauseineedit - Tumblr Blog

It's been ages since I've vented on here.

Why? Because life has been pretty fantastic actually. I've gone through some serious improvements in dealing woth my ptsd from being abused, I'm in a healthy relationship, I live in a beautiful house with said partner, I'm learning more about myself, my relationship woth my mother has a tenuous stability, I have my absolute DREAM job.

But you know what still gets me? Reverse SAD.

I fucking HATE summer. Summer is the absolute WORST time of year.

Let's break down the why!

I'm pale af and so the sun is my enemy. I sunburn driving in my fucking car. If I need to just run errands for like an hour, I have to practically drown myself in sunscreen or I become a fucking lobster in pain that then has to deal with peeling skin from the burn. Not to mention cancer runs in my family and at least 2 family members have had skin cancer. That's a real fucking possibility for me that I am ALWAYS aware of.

It's hot out. My ideal temperature is in the 60s. It's repeatedly in the upper 90s to 100s where I live in the summer. That just makes me hot, sweaty, and ANGRY because I'm so miserable in the heat.

I can't fucking sleep because I dont start feeling tired until at least an hour after sunset and the early sunrise fucks me over too. At the height of this miserable season its only dark from 10pm until 3:30am. FUCK THAT.

(don't even @ me with fucking black out curtains. I would only have them up for ONE season because the issue is that I don't even start to get tired until at least an hour after sun sets. That means I would need that expensive ass material in my living room that is like half windows and my bedroom and my office. I can't afford that to only need them for one damn season. Thats bullshit. Plus, in the morning I won't be able to wake up because it's so dark. I just want better fucking balance of sunlight damn it)

Fire season!!! Everything is nothing but smoke! Even if it wasn't too hot out and I actually prepare with enough sunscreen, you can't fucking breathe because the air is so shitty from the smoke!!!

I am a teacher. Everyone always gives me the bullshit comment of "oh my god! It must be so great to have summers off!" First of all, teachers still work in the summer. We spend time continuing to work on our curriculum because there's no time to do that in the school year. So fuck off woth having that time "off". Second, I get seasonal depression in the summer in part because of the lack of routine. There is no structure to the summer. For like a week thats pretty awesome because i get to attempt to get some sleep, but as its already been discyssed, the sun ruins that plan.

More with the lack of routine: Every. Single. Summer. People are gone. Don't get me wrong, I love that people get to have adventures! But my social life becomes the equivalent of a ghost town every summer because there's no routine. There's no socializing with people who are off on their family vacations. Plus! Oh PLUS! If I'm not the one organizing the time, place, people, and doing all the communicating, nothing happens! It's not like people ever invite me! So that's a real good mental health motivator to realize that when I don't have the energy to make it happen because I'm suffering from seasonal depression, no one is going to reach out! Yeah. That's just fucking greeeaaaat for my self worth in the midst of depression.

So yeah.

Fuck summer.

#fuck the sun #reverse SAD #summertime sadness #venting #venting because i need it #personal #its too hot out #sunburn #cant sleep #time cant move fast enough #is it fall yet?#rant post #rant #ranting

So, at this point I'm starting to get irritated.

I finally, believe I'm actually worthy of love, commitment, and being someone's choice. I truly do.

I just don't believe someone else will actually be able to give that to me.

I've never been the girl someone finds attractive. I've never been the girl who catches someone else's attention. I've never been the girl that someone pursues. I've never been the girl that could react to someone else's interest. It always starts with me liking them. And then I bend over backwards to seem lovable. To be someone they want to choose.

I've never been the girl someone else chooses.

So what the fuck do I do now?

How the fuck do I deal with being a hopeless romantic, but knowing that to some degree, it's hopeless to believe someone else will see me as I've worked so hard to see myself, and then choose me too.

Fucking bullshit.

How does a teacher navigate an active shooter drill while forcing everyone to wear masks and knowing everyone needs to be 6 feet apart? In what realm is the fact that I have to think about that for my students' safety seem okay to people? Make it make sense

#venting because i need it #teachenglish #high school #gun control #covid19

I knew it would hurt but fuck I didn't realize how much I would miss it all.

Those cats were my babies too by then and I miss them so much. I feel the pets get the worst end of the bargain because they can't understand. It can't be explained. It's just change, a move, and then suddenly their other person is gone.

I know we'll both heal and grow from this and eventually find ourselves friends. But fuck does it just feel like shit in the meantime.

I miss you too. I miss your warmth, your laugh, your snark, your confidence in me, your unyielding patience for how much I can be, and how much you reassured me that it wasn't too much...

I miss your love. I miss you. I miss us.

I know that through this, we'll both grow and heal and find we're friends and can love each other in a different way. But fuck does this feel like shit in the meantime.

#venting because i need it #vent blog #vent #i miss you #i love you #i miss the cats #in the meantime #time cant move fast enough

I'm going to miss every single part of you.

I am not sure how this is going to be later. For myself alone and for us as people who have a lot of overlap in our lives. You mean the world to me. You have helped me grow as a person and it sucks that I won't be able to continue that growth with you.

I'm proud of who I have become with you. And I'm proud of you too. This loss does not come easy. It wont heal easy.

While it helps to know you are feeling the loss as much as me, it's so hard to understand why we both need to hurt. I trust you so much in this being the right choice and that you know this would just be worse later. I do want to honor what we had and to let us grieve together for our loss. I just struggle with the fact that I dont want this to end. I dont. I was and am willing to go through it all and have the ups and downs and to wait for you to get there. But I trust you when you say that you dont think you will. I know I deserve someone who is as invested as me. Someone who can give me back that energy and effort. But god damn is it hard to believe that it wouldn't have worked out when I know how much you care about me and that we both still love each other.

This isn't fair. Two people can love each other and have a healthy relationship with all the communication and teamwork, and still not work out together. It makes me so extremely sad.

Please, please remember you deserve love too. Please. There is so much that you can accomplish, and so much you deserve to have. You gave me everything I could have ever asked for: safety, comfort, confidence, faith, joy, laughter, and adventure. Remember that all of that comes to mean you deserve that too.

You were my partner in every sense of the word. You are my best friend. I'm going to feel very lost without you.

I truly hope you mean it when you say this is the best course of action. None of this pain would be worth it if not.

I love you.

flowercrownbi

I don’t want to date. I just want to magically end up in a long-term and emotionally-secure relationship with someone cute

quotemadness

I think we all just want someone who can see the beauty we can’t see in ourselves. Not someone that romanticizes the mess and calls it beautiful, but someone that walks boldly into our brokenness, sees us spread-eagle in the middle of the wreckage and says that we’re worth salvaging.

Maxwell Diawuoh (via quotemadness)