venting

[ventingforever]

Welcome to my mental state.

Things about me:

-They/any -Autistic, I go to a therapeutic school (it's great tbh)

Characters in my little sob story:

-B (mf who kinda SA'd me) -E (hate to use therapy speak but. guilt-tripping manipulator i blocked) -My parents and my younger sibling -My friends and partner :3 <3/p -A (blocked friend/possible groomer?) -H old caretaker, rlly emotionally immature and traumatized me

General TWs:

-SH -EDs (ARFID + anorexia) -Flashbacks and panic attacks -Dissociation, amnesia, possible CDD? -I'm trans so yuh -Su1cide/su1cidal thoughts -Overstimulation -SA -Grooming -Child abuse/manipulation? idk what to call it...

[ventingforever]

i didnt think it impacted me too bad but i cant even see anything set in a school from my country anymore because remembering what a normal school is like is too hard for me

[ventingforever]

just kinda realised that i finally have my shit together

i came home from a good school where i'm doing really good and cleaned my room a bit

i read. i've been reading almost all day between school work. my brain feels stimulated everyday, i even get mentally tired some days

i have three house plants, granted one needs more water but i'm working on it, because i'm able to keep myself and other things alive

i'm eating. i'm eating pretty good, at least 1.5 meals a day on a bad day. i've managed 2 and a snack today. it's only 5:30 so no dinner yet but i'm sure i'll eat at least most of it.

i walk to and from school. i'm physically well enough to do that, albeit i struggle on the stairs at school lol. 4 and a half flights every day just to get to home room is not for the weak.

i'm hydrated. i drink just enough water to not get many physical symptoms of dehydration, at least. it's a habit i'm working on.

idk i dont really want to brag but. i survived it all. i did it.

[ventingforever]

me vs the horrifying ordeal of the disorder i forced upon myself

[ventingforever]

im tired of giving people my all like why do i force myself to give them my 100% like twice and now i feel like i can give them no less

[ventingforever]

upon years of reflection and a situation that's triggering me on the daily: i have always been the common denominator and so maybe i am the problem

[ventingforever]

got insane academic validation after ages of not having any (it has been my main source of self esteem my whole life even in preschool)

i am on cloud 9

[sunmoonyandstars]

recovery is SO fucking hard.

but so is being hungry and weak and sick and miserable and missing out on your whole life.

choose your hard.

[ventingforever]

i think years of not eating right has caught up to me because i’m actually craving stuff. i’m actually wanting specific foods. i feel hungry. my stomach is growling. and i don’t feel sick. i want food

[ventingforever]

fellas is it concerning to enjoy having a stomach bug bcs it gives you an excuse not to eat...

[ventingforever]

had physical symptoms that could mean a few things But it could mean weight loss. i forgot EVERYTHING abt the other possibilities bcs of the validation

wrong: im iron deficient

[ventingforever]

i have a school tour tmr yet im sat on my bed having a panic attack

its 11pm if i could…move that would be nice

[ventingforever]

seriously i think ts is ruining my life idk what to do anymore. it’s ruining everyone else’s lives too. my family deserve better, my partner deserves better. i wish i could do better.

[ventingforever]

i would give anything to not be autistic.

content warning from here on

i would give up everything.

i would give up my life if it meant i’d have a week of normal teenage experience before i went. or an afterlife of being normal.

i want to not be a burden and have my mum have energy at the end of the day. she spends all day having to balance my homeschooled ass, finding a place to move, a full time job, my (also autistic) sibling, sorting out school places for both her kids and all her own stuff. i feel so shit. i want to spend time with her but i barely can.

i wish i was burntout again but no one else knew. so i could be quiet and tired and she wouldn’t have to worry about school because i wouldn’t care about anything again. i’d know to hide it better bc she was worried. maybe then i’d be less lonely too.

my autism is a punishment to everyone, not just myself. i’m never going to be normal and i’m always going to have to fight just to survive. idk maybe its not worth surviving for. maybe my stupid autistic life isnt worth living.

[ventingforever]

sh talk warning

whichever mf in my head threw out my blade i will fucking find you

[ventingforever]

if u dont wanna go to school i'll happily take ur place istg let me go to school let me let me let me i am chomping on the bars of my cage i'd go to school if it was in hell atp

[ventingforever]

every day my paranoia about them gets worse

i cant even see words that look like their usernames without startling or getting anxious its them

any fandom they were in feels unsafe and what if they’re in communities im in?!

i know they can’t hurt me but it still feels like they can

what if they’re pretending to be someone else to talk to me??