my heart bursts like a shooting star
i figured some of my stardust would fall over his shoulder
but he never wishes for me
how could he see it and still choose to look away?
– barbara v lopez
cherry valley forever

if i look back, i am lost

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@venussleepwalking
my heart bursts like a shooting star
i figured some of my stardust would fall over his shoulder
but he never wishes for me
how could he see it and still choose to look away?
– barbara v lopez
grief's a funny thing
ain't it? now i have the perfect excuse to get out of any situation. a shift at my burnout job. a trainwreck of a conversation.
but then i remember you. see, grief's only funny when it works in your favor. which is only about less than 5% of the time. because as soon as i remember you, i remember why you're the perfect excuse in the first place. and then i start to cry.
i hadn't seen you in 8 years. the last memory i have is giving you a hug, and showing you a song. conocí la paz, by beny moré. you didn't recognize me anymore but you said you knew the song. it reminded you of cuba, which is where you thought you were in your later years. that's the memory that always played in my head whenever i thought of you.
but grief's a sneaky thing: the floodgates open when you least expect it.
you taught me the alphabet. you kept a wooden shed for me in your backyard full of toys. i would watch mr. rogers and all of my favorite disney princess movies on your TV. cinderella, sleeping beauty, snow white - in that order. becoming a hopeless romantic began on your couch.
you always sat in your reclining chair; i remember climbing on top of it when you left the room. its coziness would consume me and i felt safe. but it wasn't the chair. it was your warmth. it never left any room you were in.
i used to read your gossip magazines in the bathroom. and grief's a cunning thing, the way it suddenly holds all your deepest memories in front of you like a candle in darkness. i remember your powder makeup. in its baby pink, shell-shaped container, with a talcum scent i swear i can smell now. i remember your penny loafers and your heartfelt laugh. "ay que dios la bendiga," you would say.
you used to make fettuccine alfredo for me, whenever i wanted. and orange marmalade on toast. you were this effervescent being full of love. that's all you had inside of you, was love. i will miss you so much. i knew this day would come, and yet i am still ill-prepared. i hope wherever you are, that you're happy, and at peace. say hi to terri and manolo for me. i never got to talk to them.
i will always remember you. grief won't let me forget - and i would never wish to. thank you for taking care of me, and for providing me with childhood memories that are pure and sacred. there's a spot in my heart permanently reserved for you. i love you so, so much.
sincerely,
your victoria
it’s been 4 years. thought this belonged on here.. hehe. whoever sees this, hello <3
** announcement **
hello anyone n everyone!!! i have moved my poetry to instagram! you can follow me or view my poems or DM me (so we can become friends!).
i decided to move from tumblr to instagram, just so my work can reach a different platform. i don’t know if i’m going to be done with tumblr completely, but i most definitely won’t be on here as much.
again, if you’d like to follow/DM me on instagram, feel free to do so <3 @ venussleepwalking is my user (same as on here).
any and all support is appreciated. thank you. love you.
how i’d come crawling back in a heartbeat, quicker than a hummingbird, than the flutter of a moth’s wing.
— excerpt from the hidden / barbara v lopez
i’ll be your last star. i’ll glow for you even after the world’s end. even after the comets fall and the ashes rise. i’ll be the light that illuminates you every step of the way. and it’s okay if you don’t feel the same. i’m doing this because i want to, not because i’m expecting your love in return. and trust me: i know i won’t be receiving it.
you have no idea how badly i wanted us to work out. maybe i still do. who knows. i still wait for my screen to light up with your number scrawled across it. but then i wonder if i want you, or if i’m just lonely. and i remember how badly i ached that night. and thus i choose the loneliness. over you. or the lack thereof.
— tmrw nvr came / barbara v lopez
“if i think about you, dream about you, pray to all the stars about you - will you appear?”
— telekinesis / barbara v lopez
must be nice / to look in the mirror / and see perfection
/ no mistakes / no reflection
but i must ask: when does it end? / or more importantly / when does it begin? /
when do you stand back / and realize / that you make mistakes too? / that you clean up your own mess /
/ that you’re responsible for your own actions /
that apologizing / and being wrong / is being human? /
silly me, i guess / my expectations are much too high /
my mistake
— barbara v lopez
coming from afar
it’s hard to remember who i am sometimes. who i want to be. the growth process, at times, is not very kind. i’m still figuring out how to balance what i have to do with what i want to do. and there’s always procrastination: an old friend who’s overstayed their welcome. but looking back i wouldn’t change a single thing. not a single ache or mistake. because, coming from afar, being battered and bruised only helps me realize i’m stronger than i thought was to begin with. the growth process can be unusually cruel and confusing. but i wouldn’t be who i am without it. and i think i’m starting to like that person.
— barbara v lopez
i just wanted you to care. like you claimed you did. congratulations - you really played the part well. i was convinced of what you told me. we were almost there. almost. but now you’re gone. we fizzled out: the oblivious bubbles of a shaken soda can. but don’t worry. we’ll be complete strangers soon enough.
–– curtains closing / barbara v lopez
ah, and so you’ve finally gone. it’s quite funny how this keeps happening. i need to stick to myself. not let this happen again - not let you or anyone else make me feel small. although i’ll never truly understand why you felt the need to say all those empty little words to me, just so you could pack your bags and go. over something so inconvenient. i apologized. i’m human. but i guess you never truly wanted to stay in the first place. it’s okay - i truly did wish you the best. whether you meant it or not, it doesn’t matter. because i did. there was so much more in store. you had no idea. and i guess you never will.
— if you’re reading this, it’s too late / barbara v lopez
waiting. waiting. waiting. you’re still here? why? i’m not really understanding - the door is wide open. no, you haven’t overstayed your welcome. on the contrary: i want you here. i want you to stay. i’m just confused is all. they don't usually last this long. especially when they don’t get what they want. what do you want? i’d love to tell you i’d give you my heart. but each time they come, they take a piece of me with them. and there’s not enough of me to go around at this point. so you’ll have to stay and see for yourself. stay and see, if you want to of course. i’ll just continue waiting. but for now, the door is still wide open. and i’m wondering if, any second now, you’re going to walk out.
–– if it happens it happens / barbara v lopez
do you understand now? did it set in? don’t come back. don’t even bother. it’s not going to happen. and knowing you - even if it was short lived - you’d try to crawl back into me. try to convince me you’re not like them. try to convince yourself. and i know they’re not all the same. you didn’t turn me cold; my heart still bleeds love - just not for you. maybe now you’ll see things differently. your clouds will soon dissipate and it’ll hit you: i left. i’m not coming back. what’s done is done. go play your games. go get your girls. but you’ll never have me. and although i blame myself for a lot of things, you’re the one that fucked up.
— what i would’ve said / barbara v lopez
i’ll never understand why you feel the need / to tell me all those things / if you’re just going to leave
— lead me on harder / barbara v lopez
cinnamon and the scent of apple and pumpkin pie. the feeling of warmth in everyone, everywhere: in your sweater, in his arms, in her laughter, in your bed, in hot chocolate with the frothy marshmallows. craft stores with eggshell floors and worn out lighting. fake leaves in the aisles. real leaves under your feet as the rain falls for a greeting. you thank every gray or purple cloud, every droplet, every lightening bolt, every roar of thunder. you smile at glistening streets and foggy mornings and candle-lit nights. you sleep to the sound of silence.
— fall / barbara v lopez
i wish it were easier
to tell when you’d fall
but it happens so quickly -
sometimes you’re not even
aware it’s happening
before you know it you’re
headed towards
earth, skin touching sky
head in cloud 9, 10, 11, 12...
sometimes you plummet
your body thuds as it hits
the cold concrete
physically you look fine
but your brain is battered
your heart is bruised
and your eyes won’t stop
welling up
other times you fall slowly
at first you’re floating
and the pace doesn’t pick up
until the very
end
— no parachute / barbara v lopez