ain't it? now i have the perfect excuse to get out of any situation. a shift at my burnout job. a trainwreck of a conversation.
but then i remember you. see, grief's only funny when it works in your favor. which is only about less than 5% of the time. because as soon as i remember you, i remember why you're the perfect excuse in the first place. and then i start to cry.
i hadn't seen you in 8 years. the last memory i have is giving you a hug, and showing you a song. conocí la paz, by beny moré. you didn't recognize me anymore but you said you knew the song. it reminded you of cuba, which is where you thought you were in your later years. that's the memory that always played in my head whenever i thought of you.
but grief's a sneaky thing: the floodgates open when you least expect it.
you taught me the alphabet. you kept a wooden shed for me in your backyard full of toys. i would watch mr. rogers and all of my favorite disney princess movies on your TV. cinderella, sleeping beauty, snow white - in that order. becoming a hopeless romantic began on your couch.
you always sat in your reclining chair; i remember climbing on top of it when you left the room. its coziness would consume me and i felt safe. but it wasn't the chair. it was your warmth. it never left any room you were in.
i used to read your gossip magazines in the bathroom. and grief's a cunning thing, the way it suddenly holds all your deepest memories in front of you like a candle in darkness. i remember your powder makeup. in its baby pink, shell-shaped container, with a talcum scent i swear i can smell now. i remember your penny loafers and your heartfelt laugh. "ay que dios la bendiga," you would say.
you used to make fettuccine alfredo for me, whenever i wanted. and orange marmalade on toast. you were this effervescent being full of love. that's all you had inside of you, was love. i will miss you so much. i knew this day would come, and yet i am still ill-prepared. i hope wherever you are, that you're happy, and at peace. say hi to terri and manolo for me. i never got to talk to them.
i will always remember you. grief won't let me forget - and i would never wish to. thank you for taking care of me, and for providing me with childhood memories that are pure and sacred. there's a spot in my heart permanently reserved for you. i love you so, so much.
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