write to heal

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[veru-summerlover]

“I didn’t know you were in a relationship.” I mean how could I know that… we haven’t been in touch since…forever. I wish I could ask you about her, about your relationship.., I mean of course I can ask, but what would I do with your reaction. Would I be able to cope with your answer? Would I believe it? Would I even get any from you, a sincere response, not a general, avoidant one. What do I want to hear? Why do I want to torture myself, again? I’m jealous or more envious I’d say. You said she was moving to another city and therefore you decided to follow her there. Wow. She must be something special. Your relationship must be something. Why it didn’t work out for us? It’s been a while now since I could see love in your eyes looking at me. “How did you two meet? And where?” “Wow, you’ve been together for about 2 years, that’s a long time…” I see, no fear of commitment anymore. No avoidant attachment. All is gone. Is it still you, the one I thought I used to know. Her, I want to hear about her. Is she a foreigner? Is she similar to you? Is she so much different than me?

[veru-summerlover]

Maybe you met someone new, maybe you hooked up with someone, maybe you're ready to commit now. Maybe.

Thoughts I torture myself with ||Sunday morning, August 2019

[veru-summerlover]

I’ve just found out you moved to another country.

Sunday night, January 2022

[veru-summerlover]

Finding out you’ve been in a relationship for more than 2 years now.

A full moon Monday, March 2024

[itislove]

when Robbie Williams sang “I don’t wanna die but I’m not keen on living either.” I felt that a little too much

[veru-summerlover]

…. There's a hole in my soul

You can see it in my face

It's a real big place

[veru-summerlover]

How do you tell your parent you won’t be celebrating Christmas with them?

As if I couldn’t speak the language, had no clue how to formulate it. How to start. When to say it. How? Full of discomfort, fear, worries. To not hurt them and foremostly not to hurt myself? How do you tell them they’re not a part of your Christmas plans? How do you start this conversation? Slip the words in a nonchalant way, by the way I won’t be here, may I take away some of that the festive menu? I spent days thinking it over and over, wishing someone else would do it for me. Scared of the confrontation. Scared of being vulnerable. Scared of their reaction or more, the lack of it.

I did it. Btw, could I take away some of the potato salad with me? Trying to suppress all my emotions and asking them with a fake calm, indifferent voice. Yes, was the mumbled reply and then just silence. This loud, wrenching silence. I left. When I came back couldn’t see my father’s face but I think it was sad, maybe he was crying, I don’t know. I left. Rushed upstairs and as soon as the door closed behind me I bursted into tears.

An emotionally unavailable parent || December 2022

[veru-summerlover]

phone on airplane mode

my message undelivered

you’re either sleeping or f*cking

a Friday night haiku |26.8.2022

[veru-summerlover]

I see them all around me. I like observing them. Sometimes discreetly, other times bluntly but always with fascination, joy, nostalgia and a bit of envy. Smile on my face and a bittersweet feeling on my chest.

Sometimes I wish I was them ||Voyeur of lovebirds

[veru-summerlover]

and every morning I make myself to open the blinds

maybe not for me

but for the plants

[veru-summerlover]

and no wonder my mind feels heavy...

when you’re on it all the time

some things never change || 3/2022

[i-wrotethisforme]

You’re not over it when you stop thinking about it, you’re over it when you think about it and don’t feel anything.

[veru-summerlover]

I guess I’m not over it then.

Yet

[veru-summerlover]

Sometimes deleting the whole chat and leaving the conversation is the bravest act of self kindness.

||30.3.2022

[veru-summerlover]

I see you in my dreams

I’ll meet you in your nightmares

|| 1. 2. 2022

[loveroftheligth]

And all I do is sit and think about you

- The 1975, It’s Not Living

[akaiiros]

my room smells like paint. purple. soft. warm. i think about how you would describe me if you had to write about me. i wonder if you’ve ever thought about how to capture me.

your room would have posters on the wall, maybe. i’ve never seen it. you won’t know i’ve painted mine, either. i won’t tell you. you won’t ask. i remember when i used to tell you, even if you didn’t.

i think about how to capture you all the time. i used to sneak pictures of you with your hair catching the light. i had a list of words to run through in my mind in case i ever got the courage to write about you.

teal blue. i almost painted my room teal. it would’ve reminded me too much of you. calm. steady. stubborn. clear. warm. i would have looked up at the ceiling and pictured your arms around me underneath your teal blanket.

it’s soft now, this ache. it feels like the ghost of a touch i can’t remember. your touch. i forgot the color of your eyes. i think that’s it, then.

[i-wrotethisforme]

You’re not over it when you stop thinking about it, you’re over it when you think about it and don’t feel anything.

[adamantseal]

I dreamt you

wanted me

back

your soft lips a nightmare of longing

your hands like tears

warm on my skin

the hazel forest of your eyes

reflecting mine

this lie

a cruel knife

against my neck

this love

just ink on the page

[michaelbogild-deactivated202503]

“My heart was collapsing under the weight of your absence.”

—

[veru-summerlover]

can someone be still on your mind

after a whole year of radio silence

after more than 5 years since your first meeting

after 3 years since you became more than just friends

after being dumped by them, twice

a question I keep asking myself || January 2022