On my way to steal the mayor (again)

it/they/he || your local source of trouble blog made by @gravesend666

[villiage-bastard]

welcome to my evil lair

(dont mind the spiders)

goodmorrow tumblr!

You may call Mori, and you've just fallen into my trap. You see, young fool, you decided to jump into a well constructed pile of leafs, but now you have realised that you have fallen into my lair, and now you will be forced to watch as I post about how great and evil I am, as well as things that I find to be greatly amusing. You will not be granted to leave and you will be awfully confused by my choices of posts

(drinks and snacks are available upon request)

Now henchman! hold this user tight, I'm off to kidnap the mayor again, damn wench always keeps running away from me!

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

drake?

[hazeleyedcat]

josh?

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

where’s the body of christ?

[wyrddog]

[wordfather]

its okay dude im not becoming evil muhaha. sorry i mean haha. dont know what happened there muhaha. sorry i mean

[evilwizard]

Can you please cast an evil spell on me?

I've been badd

im very uncomfortable with the energy we’ve created in the evil lair today

[dailyevil]

Ngh… My evil

[dailyevil]

It’s spilling out

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

villain going to the goon shelter to pick out a new henchman

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

this energetic and diabolical boy was rescued from a goon hoarding situation… he loves pulling levers, gloating, and turning cranks with great abandon. prefers to be the only goon. needs an active lair with plenty of enrichment.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

now this fella comes with some baggage. his previous villain was going to have put down when he refused to perform unsedated human vivisection as a form of torture. one of our agents intercepted the execution and brought him to the goon shelter. would thrive in an environment of G or PG-rated villainry.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

on the other hand, if you’re looking for something a little more… advanced… then this fine lady over here would make a great challenge for an experienced villain able to set firm boundaries. she will NOT be released to first-time villains; proof of prior henchpeople must be demonstrated before adoption approval. high prey drive. under no circumstances should she be left alone with children or small animals. must sign waiver releasing the goon shelter from responsibility if her behavior is deemed excessively depraved.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

These two are pair-bonded and may only be adopted together. Up for anything, they are fiercely loyal to their employer provided their needs are met and they are permitted to hold hands. They look alarmingly similar to one another but it is undeterminable whether they are close blood relatives or lovers who choose to dress and style themselves in identical ways. Habit of finishing each other’s sentences with rhyming couplets; we have not attempted to train this out of them. Will answer to whatever names or titles you give them so long as they are complimentary and/or rhyme.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

Will you help this goon find his forevil lair? He’s been returned to the goon shelter six times now but we refuse to give up on him. A vile little rat of a man, he’d be the perfect accomplice to someone willing to overlook his unfortunate heterosexuality. If gay-coding is not your style and you don’t expect it from a henchman, please consider giving this little guy a good home in your dastardly schemes.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

This guy is not your typical goon. He was rescued from a high-kill shelter after being deemed unfit for henching. His deep baritone voice, his darkly handsome good looks, and his flair for the dramatic have made prospective employers pass over him time and time again, making him the longest resident of the goon shelter. But don’t judge a book by its cover—while his appearance and demeanor suggest “villain”, his real passion is taking orders and faithfully serving a master. If you’re secure in your villainry and not prone to jealousy, he may just be what it takes to turn your base into a lair.

[ashenmind]

god if there was a book of forbidden spells I wouldn’t even hesitate

[worldsworstfemale]

uh oh my pussy is evil again

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

getting this for my villain lair

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

“Boss, where did you say the death ray would be firing again…?”

I give a small, uncomfortable shrug and wave my hand vaguely at the dark globe on my desk. On its matte black surface is a pulsating digital display of a red bullseye. “Thereabouts,” I say, keeping my eyes fixed on the opposite wall.

“Uh…” you stare blankly at the featureless black globe. “I’m… I’m not sure how to make sense of this globe… I don’t see any continents?”

“I know!” I howl. I double over in despair, my face in my hands. “I know, I know, I know! I got it because I thought it was goth! I thought it was soooo sinister, it would be perfect to use as my death ray control console… what have I done?!”

[elf-kid2]

"What you need is to move the Goth Globe to your OFFICE area, in the study with the giant desk and the impressive hard-cover books."

"But--"

"Now, my liege, you have a few options for the Control Room! Would you prefer this golden globe, which focuses on the land-masses, without distinguishing between soon-to-be outdated borders?"

"Or perhaps this one, which highlights every Capitol City in the world, is more to your liking?"

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

No those won’t do. I have a very particular aesthetic to maintain. Instead think I will use the crystal glass globe, which is elegant without being gaudy or introducing color into my lair:

I’ll just set it here, next to the window, in this nice patch of sunl—AUUGHHH! MY EYE! MY BEAUTIFUL LEFT EYE, BURNED CLEAN OUT OF MY SKULL!

…but no matter. I’ll just wear an eye patch from now on. Eye patches are pretty chic, don’t you agree? Let me just turn my head slightly to the side so th—AUUUGHHH MY OTHER EYE! MY BEAUTIFUL RIGHT EYE! GOD IN HEAVEN!

[kairenn-n]

yes, babe, you’re sick and twisted, will you come back to bed- what? yes, of course you’re evil and irredeemable. now can you please cuddle with me

[couldntrelate]

[weenhands-deactivated20250319]

i am actually meant for this world we need more autistic freaks obsessed with death and i must do my part

[yesornopolls]

Has your #1 comfort character committed a crime?

Has your #1 comfort character committed a crime?

Yes

No

Voting ended onApr 19, 2024

[vampantheon]

just a small collection of my favorite tags on this post so far

[villiage-bastard]

sorry ive been gone for a while, the mayor got kidnapped by the village over it was a whole thing but im back in my lair now and ready to spreed the word of evil again! >:3

[totallyrealcops]

🚨

*puts on pocket sand protective gear*

Village child of unknown origin, you are under arrest for the word-spreading of evil nature! Please provide sufficient evidence that you have properly informed the correct officials prior to this distribution! You will be considered guilty unless proven innocent and have no rights whatsoever!

[villiage-bastard]

nuh uh >:(

[totallyrealcops]

uh huh :)

[villiage-bastard]

wrong answer. hits you with the mayor

[chromaticabrasions]

lets give it up for pleasures of the flesh !!

[villiage-bastard]

sorry ive been gone for a while, the mayor got kidnapped by the village over it was a whole thing but im back in my lair now and ready to spreed the word of evil again! >:3

[totallyrealcops]

🚨

*puts on pocket sand protective gear*

Village child of unknown origin, you are under arrest for the word-spreading of evil nature! Please provide sufficient evidence that you have properly informed the correct officials prior to this distribution! You will be considered guilty unless proven innocent and have no rights whatsoever!

[villiage-bastard]

nuh uh >:(

[evilblr]

Retired villain here, I've found this spot and was hoping to share a word of caution:

As tempting as the evil artifact is, do not handle it without knowing precisely what powers it. That was what caused my personal villain arc to go too far, and young villains need to learn to avoid it.

I don't mean to be a stickler, as a dark lord I personally say do whatever you deem is fun. I only ask that villains and henchmen alike be cautious as well, lest you harm the people around you.

Important!!! Listen to Anon!!!! Artifacts are crazy dangerous!