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Scream Queens VH1 Recap - Season 1 Episode 4

Once everyone comes back from the grand ballroom, Tanedra is surprised that Marissa went home instead of Michelle, citing Michelle's acting as "not believable, at all. It's godawful." Lindsay also comments that Michelle "thinks she's a better actress than she actually is." Lina claims herself as "one of the better actresses here". Meanwhile Angela voices her frustration that she hasn't yet been to the grand ballroom or received any direct feedback. I guess that's what you get for being average.

The girls meet up with Shawnee for their mini challenge, and guess what? It's horror-comedy week! What could possibly go wrong? The girls have to perform a super lame scene from a black and white horror movie as just a head on a table, with a male model (aka. a terrible actor) as their scene partner. Lindsay correctly points out that you have to play the scene genuinely because the comedy comes from the cheesy dialogue. She basically kills it by committing fully to the seriousness of the scene with just a touch of over-acting. Tanedra, Angela, and Sarah also do well but over-act a little too much. Michelle plays it like an over the top Disney Channel skit while Lina tries to make it a musical and sings all her lines for some reason?? Like honestly they're both so cringe. But you are not prepared for Jessica. Oh lordy. I honestly don't know how in the world she thought her choice would be a good idea, but apparently she did. She plays it like someone making fun of a disabled person. Her speech pattern, mannerisms, everything she does, it's like... words can't even describe it. It's like a train crash that you can't look away from. If you don't believe me, click here.

Anyway, obviously Lindsay wins the guaranteed callback. Later in Homa's class, the girls are introduced to Melissa Cross, a "scream teacher" who ngl is pretty awesome. She gives them a mini lesson on how to scream without hurting their voices, then each girl is challenged to give a specific scream based on a particular scenario suggested by Homa. Everyone does pretty well except for Lina who gets told off for over-acting, and Jessica who gets in trouble basically for back-talking and not taking things seriously. Angela again privately voices her frustration over no direct feedback from Homa.

Later during dinner, some guy dressed as a zombie comes into the house and the girls all run screaming because omg what a funny prank haha. Angela takes an envelope from around his neck containing their scripts, and a note that tells them they will be auditioning for individual roles in a mock comedy-horror movie trailer called Reform School Zombie Squad. Once she's done reading the note, however, the zombie fucking pukes on the ground and it's like... why?? Who has to clean that up? Why was it necessary? Seriously wtf producers. The girls read through the scripts and find that two of the characters have a make out scene, which Michelle and Lina both say they would not be comfortable doing. Angela has a cry about not getting feedback.

At the audition the girls meet James, the scriptwriter Caleb Emerson, and James' brother Sean Gunn (from Gilmore Girls and Guardians of the Galaxy) who will be the girls' co-star. In their one-on-one auditions, Lindsay goes first and kills her audition for Luwina, which Sean says is "pretty good". Angela auditions for Dana and basically just screams the whole time, which James calls "weird". Tanedra auditions for Carrie and kills it, followed by Jessica and Sarah auditioning for the same character and bombing. Michelle auditions for Shannon and does well, and when asked, tells James she wouldn't be comfortable kissing a girl. Lina bombs her audition for Luwina, doing a pseudo-impression of a black person which Sean calls "borderline racist" and "the worst". James asks her TWICE if there's anything she'd have a problem with or any characters she wouldn't be comfortable playing, and she says no. I'm sure that won't come back to bite her later. The cast is announced as follows:

Michelle as Shannon, the slutty prostitute with the "great vagina" (which Lindsay comments was an "obvious choice, basically playing a tackier version of herself")

Jessica as Lisa, the rich girl with a ball gown and tiara

Lindsay as Luwina, the tough girl from the streets

Angela as Vanessa, the cat burglar and one half of the kiss

Lina as Cat, the Catholic school girl gone bad and the other half of the kiss (HAHAHAHA)

Sarah as Dana, the crazy hockey mask girl

Tanedra as Carrie, the surfer chick and leader of the group

Lina of course complains that she was cast as one half of the girl on girl kiss, and then (probably when she realises the grave she's already dug herself) decides that she's just going to "pretend". lol okay girl. That's the least of her problems though, because for some reason she decides on a horrible screaming voice and lots of tongue-wagging and screeching for her character which just does not work in any way, and refuses to drop it even when James specifically and repeatedly tells her to. Sigh.

Everyone else does pretty well in the challenge tbh, taking James' directions well and also working well with Sean, doing some improv etc. Michelle, to her credit, has a hilarious scene which she kills, in which she gets naked in front of Sean's character along with the line, "Review this record, warden. And by record, I mean VAGINA." It's fucking hilarious.

The time has finally arrived, and Angela and Lina are in their bikinis preparing to shoot the kiss in the hot tub. James describes the kiss in graphic detail which finally gets Lina to admit to him that she doesn't want to do it. Angela mentions that Jessica is down to do the kiss instead, so while she gets subbed in, James basically reads the riot act to Lina (politely, bless him). She tries to make excuses and he's like, "I asked Michelle too and she said no", so she finally apologises to him. In her talking head, Lina says she's "not difficult to work with" and "not a diva" which are both blatant lies, and that her acting isn't an issue which I'm like - girl look in a fucking mirror. Meanwhile Jessica and Angela do the make out scene and it's hilarious, with lines such as, "God, this feels so wrong!" and, "But we can't, we're sisters!"

The next day Lina has a go at Sarah out of nowhere about her apparently leaving a mess in the kitchen / living room, even though Sarah says none of the mess is hers. Sarah (correctly) accuses Lina of being insecure about her shitty work during the main challenge. They have a full on screaming bitch fest in each other's faces while most of the other girls basically just watch them lmao. Lindsay reads the list which mentions Michelle is the week's leading lady, and summons only Angela and Lina to the grand ballroom. Michelle bursts into tears because they are her two closest friends in the house.

There's not really much to be said about this episode's judgement to be honest. Angela gets called out for being really average and fading into the background. Meanwhile the judges go all in on Lina for not only lying about the kiss and stalling production, but also for her terrible performance. Lina gets the axe, and even in her exit talking head, insists it's not because of her acting. Bye, you delusional asshole!

Stay tuned for Season 1 Episode 5!

Scream Queens VH1 recap - Season 1 Episode 3

The girls come back from the grand ballroom and everyone’s generally happy and/or unsurprised that Kylah went home. Michelle says that her odds of winning have “skyrocketed up”. The others talk about their feedback, everyone congratulates Lindsay on her win, and Lina complains about how the judges read her for her shitty attitude - there are some great shots of Tanedra rolling her eyes and mouthing “It’s the truth, asshole!” behind Lina’s back.

The next morning’s mini challenge sees the girls pretending to be chased by a killer and ultimately jumping out a second storey window. They’re taught how to do the basic jump with a stunt woman and coordinator, and then go for it. Everyone does pretty average to be honest, Michelle way over acts, Marissa gets in her own way once again, and to her credit Lina actually does the jump despite being afraid of heights. Tanedra is the only one who really fully commits acting wise, and not only that but she does a FLIP out the window and, I mean, it’s obvious who the best one is. Jessica, who up to this point was super excited to jump, now decides she’s afraid of heights and has a full on crying emotional meltdown before saying it was all part of the acting?? Okay girl. Clearly, Tanedra wins the guaranteed callback.

The girls are awarded a night out at a local club, because what could go wrong?? They get dressed up and go out for drinks. Things quickly go off the rails with many girls getting super drunk. Several of the girls criticise Michelle’s over acting but for some reason she decides to only snap back at Sarah, who proceeds to have a cry about it. Meanwhile Lina says some racist shit about Tanedra so they have their own little fight going on. They get on the bus to go home and Angela is crying in Lina’s lap and literally NOBODY KNOWS WHY. Meanwhile Jessica goes in on Sarah for getting drunk, so Sarah calls her fat, so Jessica calls her an ugly Jew. And the whole cast is just like WHAAAAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING.

After all this has gone on, for some reason the producers thought it’d be a good idea to fake a bus breakdown and scare the girls with Billy the Puppet from Saw, because omg what a funny prank haha. Shawnee gets on the bus along with the guy dressed as Billy and gives the girls info about their director’s challenge, but honestly they’re all drunk and they’ve literally just had that verbal stoush so do you really think they’re taking any of this on board?? And while they’re looking at their scripts Lindsay says something about how it’s exciting to have a real scene and Jessica LITERALLY SHUSHES HER - TWICE. What is wrong with this girl ahhhh

The next day the girls go to Homa’s class and Scott and Katie, the stunt coordinator and stunt woman from the mini challenge, are there to teach them some fighting combat for screen. They get taught how to punch, stab, take hits etc. Then they all get paired up to have a go at the scene from the director’s challenge. Jessica gets called out for being crazy, Michelle and Sarah for over acting, and Marissa for being in her head. Lina and Tanedra get paired up together because of course they do. Lina says some more racist shit in her talking head, and also “accidentally” hits Tanedra on purpose. But because Tanedra is the fucking best she keeps her cool and does her job.

The girls go to the director’s challenge and they have to do a scene where they wake up in a creepy lair, are confronted by the killer, and then fight him off. They’re getting bloodied up by the makeup team and in her talking head, Lina literally says, “We look like crack whores. In Inglewood.” Like DUDE JUST STOP TALKING YOU RACIST POS. Anyway.

Jessica goes up and she’s like... far away?? She’s in some sort of headspace and she literally just looks even crazier than ever, like she can snap at any moment. And honestly it comes across in her performance. Marissa bombs completely because she can’t get out of her own head. Michelle goes WAY over the top and James describes her as “frantic”, while the other girls laugh behind the scenes because her wide-stance scream of rage looks like what Angela calls a “power dump” and it’s honestly hilarious. The best part is that Michelle thinks that she killed it and goes backstage with her arms in the air, and the rest of the girls literally laugh in her face. As fucking awful as Lina is, she kills the challenge. Everyone else does okay, and then Sarah gets up and just completely bombs, which is unlike her as she’s been so consistent up to this point. Unlike Michelle, Sarah knows she fucked up, too.

The next day, Tanedra reads the list which summons Sarah, Jessica, Michelle, Marissa, and Lina to the grand ballroom. When they get there, Sarah is pulled forward and told that her director’s challenge was the worst in the group, but she had done so well otherwise that she still gets a callback, and the judges warn her not to let her emotions get the best of her. Lina gets leading lady because she killed the director’s challenge (and she was smart enough to keep her racist bullshit away from the judges smh). Jessica once again gets called out for acting crazy and told to calm down, but gets a callback. The bottom 2 is Michelle and Marissa, because honestly they both sucked this week, and Marissa gets the axe.

Stay tuned for Season 1 Episode 4!

Scream Queens VH1 recap - Season 1 Episode 2

Michelle, Sarah, Kylah, and Jessica come back from the grand ballroom and the rest of the girls are shocked and/or pissed that Jo-Anne went home instead of Kylah. Lindsay says “This house will mourn the loss of Jo-Anne” and Sarah, in tears, calls her “such a sensational actress”, which are both super melodramatic reactions, you knew Jo-Anne for three days, but okay. Meanwhile Kylah has no idea why everyone is upset that she’s still there haha.

The following day sees Kylah declaring the house has been divided into the “queen bitches” (herself, Michelle, Lina, and Angela) and the “more homely girls” (Marissa, Lindsay, and Sarah). I’m assuming she’s put Tanedra and Jessica in the latter category too but she doesn’t mention them specifically. The bitchy girls talk shit about the other girls behind their backs, specifically about how they think Sarah didn’t deserve to win the previous episode, that she’s ugly and annoying, etc.

The girls meet up with Shawnee who tells them they have 15 minutes to dress themselves up and impress a casting director (Kelly Wagner, who seems pretty cool tbh) with the winner getting a guaranteed callback. While getting ready, Michelle and Angela mention that if the winner is not one of the bitchy girls, the competition must be rigged. An awful lot of confidence for week 2, lol.

The girls go back into the room with Shawnee and meet Kelly. They take turns doing a sort of one on one interview / audition, which I’m gonna summarise in dot points because they each get a small amount of screen time:

Lindsay talks about being a child actor and Kelly says that means she probably actually has a harder job than someone just starting out. Lindsay is wearing a weird sort of frilly top and skirt with polka dots but it somehow doesn’t really work for her shape, and Kelly mentions it as well as Shawnee straight up calling her frumpy. True, but also, rude.

Lina goes up and immediately shakes Kelly’s hand. She doesn’t even get a word out before Kelly is like “yeah no, don’t shake casting directors’ hands, personal space / germs” etc.

Kylah talks about playing Price is Right with her brother which Kelly says is a bad choice because she’s automatically associating herself with being a model rather than an actress. Kylah proceeds to mention that she wants to “get ugly, get dirty, like Halle Berry did in Monster.” cringe

Marissa gets up and starts off on this huge spiel about how horror films are like modern Greek tragedies and everyone is just staring at her like GIRL WHAT.

Michelle introduces herself and Kelly asks if she primarily does theatre because of her big personality. Michelle proceeds to brag about being Miss Teen Texas.

Jessica is wearing a smart-casual outfit of jeans and a simple white top with her trademark giant hoop earrings. Kelly comments on her look being unique. Jessica is kinda speaking like a cute little girl who doesn’t want to let the evil out??

Angela mentions how she thinks she has the stereotypical horror “look”. Her outfit isn’t relevant but I have to mention it anyway - it honestly looks like she cut the top off a blue evening gown to wear as a shirt?? and then just jeans. Like idk.

Sarah introduces herself and Kelly immediately comments on her unique nasally voice.

Tanedra tells Kelly that she has no formal training. Kelly says “And you think you can beat out all these girls?” and Tanedra’s like YES. Fuck yeah get it girl.

So Kelly goes ahead and gives her overall impressions - Kylah has no personality, Angela has the best horror look, Lindsay looks like the best friend rather than the leading lady, Marissa is the one she didn’t remember, and she liked Jessica’s personal style. Ultimately she gives Jessica the guaranteed callback, and also sends Lindsay and Marissa for makeovers which Michelle finds hilarious.

The girls go back into the house and Kylah proceeds to have a tantrum about not winning, stating that if the casting director was a man the results would have been different. But get this, she DOES NOT CHANGE EXPRESSION THE ENTIRE TIME. Even when she’s yelling “I’M ABOUT TO CRY” she literally just has this blank look on her face like is she actually made of wax?? Meanwhile Lindsay and Marissa have their makeovers, Lindsay gets a cool short reverse A-line bob cut and looks really badass, while Marissa gets her hair dyed jet black and cut in choppy layers. It looks fine but you can tell by her face Marissa is not happy.

The girls go to Homa’s class and since the week is all about first impressions, they have to do freeze frame shots of particular expressions, I guess so they can see what they actually look like vs. what they think they look like or something. Most of the girls do pretty well, Tanedra kills it again, Marissa bombs, and Kylah once again LITERALLY DOES NOT CHANGE EXPRESSION. What the fuck.

Back at the house the girls are all gushing over Lindsay and Marissa’s makeovers, Michelle voices her jealousy despite earlier thinking it was hilarious, and Angela is mad that she’s no longer the only one with her “look”, even though she and Marissa don’t look the same at all, the only similarity is the colour of their hair?? Marissa goes and has a cry about her hair because she’s now lost all her confidence and honestly it’s actually kinda sad / hard to watch.

The next day they find one of the rooms in the house has been filled with creepy dolls and of course one of them is actually a person that jumps out and scares them because omg what a funny prank haha. The “doll” tells them their director’s challenge is a photoshoot which many of the girls are stoked about. They’re basically given generic horror themes and have to shoot the poster. Dot points again!

Lina gets “Tie Die” and her costume is literally a length of rope that’s wrapped around her. She immediately cracks the shits and goes into full blown diva mode, complaining about her costume, how apparently difficult her theme is compared to other girls, telling the makeup and hair people how to do their jobs, etc. Whaaaaat, Lina is a bitch?? This is brand new information!! Unfortunately she still does a really good job with the photoshoot.

Lindsay gets “Blinded By the Fright” and her costume is a hospital gown and white contact lenses, which she has difficulty putting in but is EXTREMELY polite about it with the makeup lady (a nice juxtaposition to Lina’s bitch fest). Lindsay also does really well in the photoshoot.

Kylah gets “Thin Skin” which she comments sounds like a porno, lmao. Her costume is literally just black liquid latex painted all over her body and the other girls are fucking FROTHING with jealously. Kylah proceeds to completely bomb the challenge, giving absolutely no emotion and James literally has no idea how to direct her.

Michelle gets “Don’t Go in the Water” and is basically just wearing a bikini, but then James dumps a bottle of cold water all over her. She does really well in the photoshoot.

Sarah gets “Blood Skate”, her costume is just a bloody ice skating outfit, and she does okay.

Tanedra gets “Prom Scream”, she is wearing a bloody prom dress, and she does really well.

Jessica gets “The Butcher’s Girl” and she’s literally wearing a hat, gloves, no shirt, just an apron and shorts? And there’s blood? This one confuses me. She does okay.

Angela gets “Monster’s Wedding” which some of the other girls (correctly) complain is SUPER easy - she’s literally in a wedding dress posing with a bloody hand prop. She does fine but I mean all she has to do is stand there and smile??

Marissa gets “Mummy Maker” and she’s wrapped in what I assume are bandages but it looks like toilet paper? She’s pretty covered, including the bottom half of her face, and she’s supposed to be seductive but honestly it kinda just feels like an awkward interpretive dance??

The next day back at the house, Marissa vents to the other girls about her insecurity with her new hair. Like I know it’s just hair but it’s kinda sad, they completely changed her look which obviously fucks with her confidence. The girls get their photoshoot posters and everyone is stoked except Marissa (rightfully) and Lindsay, who basically has an anxiety attack and hates hers even though everyone is telling her how great it is. Whoo boy I relate to Lindsay so hard. Jessica reads the list which summons Marissa, Kylah, Lindsay, and Lina to the grand ballroom. They all think they’re at the bottom except Lina, who of course thinks she’s top shit.

In the grand ballroom, Lina gets pulled forward and despite doing well in the challenge, the judges straight up read her for being a bitch, which is hella satisfying let me tell you. Lindsay gets pulled forward and the judges tell her that she did an awesome job and that she needs to go easier on herself, before awarding her the week’s leading lady. Marissa and Kylah are predictably the bottom two, Marissa gets told she’s overthinking everything and Kylah just that she’s completely emotionless. Kylah gets the axe and Marissa lives another week.

Stay tuned for Season 1 Episode 3!

Scream Queens VH1 recap - Season 1 Episode 1

Hey what’s up so because I’m bored as hell I’ve decided I’m going to recap the short-lived reality series Scream Queens (not the horror series with Emma Roberts) because it’s absolute top notch reality TV trash. Yes you can still watch the whole thing on YouTube here but I’ve decided to recap it for you in case you’d prefer to read about the trash and drama I guess lol

Anyway Scream Queens was a reality series on VH1 back in 2008-2010 where 10 “up and coming” (generous) actresses would compete for a “breakout role” (also generous) in the next Saw film. They’d do dumb challenges that were vaguely related to acting and of course bitch about each other behind the scenes. Season 1 was judged by Shawnee Smith (post-Saw fame), James Gunn (pre-Guardians of the Galaxy fame), and John Homa (apparently a big-time acting coach??). Season 2 switched out Shawnee Smith for Jaime King and James Gunn for Tim Sullivan. No idea how the show got two seasons but I fucking love it and I’ve watched it countless times over so let’s do a recap!

Here’s your key players, folks.

The first episode opens with all the girls walking in wearing their ~finest~ mid-2000′s fashion and talking about how “omg I should be the next scream queen cuz I’m attractive / talented” etc. Jo-Anne in particular (who is 26 btw) claims she’s “getting old” and that she’s “ready for something to happen”. lol okay girl. They’re introduced to the three judges and whoo boy, Shawnee may be a decent actress but she should not be a host; her droning nasally voice is torture. We’re introduced to a few more girls including Lindsay who was a child star, and had a Nickelodeon show called Caitlin’s Way, but has since lost her way to her anxiety, and it’s just like holy shit I relate to you so hard though. There’s also Lina who thinks she’s top shit because she had one line in an Adam Sandler movie woohoo.

The judges introduce the first challenge and a pseudo-Jason Voorhees literally BUSTS THROUGH THE FUCKING WALL and sends the girls running and screaming, followed by laughing because omg what a funny prank haha. So basically the girls have to take turns begging this guy not to kill them, with the best performance getting a “guaranteed callback” aka. immunity from elimination. Most of the girls do the typical screaming and/or crying schtick. Michelle literally claims she’s pregnant and then screams “KILL ME WHY DONT’CHA” which is a choice. Kylah tries to seduce him and the other girls are torn between “she should be a porn star” and “holy shit I’m aroused”. Lina literally puts on a stereotypical Asian accent and FLOPS AROUND ON THE FLOOR SCREAMING like what the actual fuck. Jessica gets up and does the “you’re not psycho I’M PSYCHO” thing and the girls are (probably rightfully) scared of her.

But then Tanedra gets up and tells us she has ZERO acting experience and then proceeds to KILL. IT. Watch out for Tanedra cuz you know she’s coming for that crown. Obviously she gets the guaranteed callback. Shawnee announces the girls are competing for a role in Saw 6 and they FLIP. THEIR. SHIT. While at the same time you can tell none of them actually like or care about the Saw series and just want to be famous, but whatever get those dollars I guess.

So they head into the house and start drinking champagne, getting to know each other etc. Of course they all end up in their bikinis in the hot tub and start talking about their training. Cue all of the girls COMPLETELY underestimating Tanedra (despite the fact that she already beat all their asses) when she tells them she has no experience.

The next day the girls go to their first class with John Homa. Right off the bat he’s like, “Welcome to your first acting class, we’re gonna need it.” Like, true but also, rude. He gets out a tray of fruit and tells each girl to take a piece and eat it “as seductively as possible”. Cue several girls giving blowjobs to bananas and the rest basically dry humping the floor while they eat this damn fruit. Homa sighs like his instructions were SO CLEAR even though there weren’t any. He explains how he actually wants them to be subtle and seductive rather than outright sexy/slutty and has the girls sit in a chair while eating their fruit and being all cute and seductive. Great. Then he changes it up so the girls have been poisoned halfway through eating. Everyone does pretty well except Jo-Anne who very clearly buckles under the pressure. Back at the house, Sarah straight up tells the others that the class made her horny.

The following day a surprise picnic appears in the house but when the lid is taken off one of the dishes, a bunch of snakes come out because omg what a funny prank haha. There’s a note telling them where to meet Shawnee where she tells them their first “director’s challenge” (main challenge) is an adaptation of the bath scene from James Gunn’s movie Slither, and guess what, they gotta be naked! Or very nearly naked, at least. All of the girls get working on their scripts and discussing whether they’re going to go with nude underwear, pasties, or au naturale. Did you forget about Crazy Jessica? Well she has a FULL ON CRYING MELTDOWN about having to do a nude scene, complete with mocking the other girls just for talking about it. Like seriously this is day 2 and she’s FREAKING OUT. Sarah specifically says in her talking head, “Jessica is fucking psycho.”

They get to the director’s challenge, Sarah goes first and does really well, so the other girls are intimidated from the start. Jo-Anne once again buckles under the pressure, it’s like her spark literally goes away as soon as the cameras start rolling, it’s honestly baffling to watch. Tanedra and Michelle also do really well, although Michelle gets criticised by some of the others for her over acting. Kylah literally sounds like she’s in a cross between a pantomime and a musical and the other girls flat-out laugh at her behind the scenes. Finally it’s Jessica’s turn, and little miss freak out is just like BA-DING HERE ARE MY TITTIES. Like seriously, after all that, she goes buck naked. WTF. Her performance is still meh though.

Back at the house, Michelle is confident she won’t be on the list and that Kylah will be. Tanedra reads the list which “summons” Michelle, Jo-Anne, Kylah, Sarah, and Jessica to the “grand ballroom”. Cue Michelle’s FULL BLOWN TANTRUM because she was SO SURE she wasn’t going to be on the list and “THEY’RE GONNA THROW THIS FUCKING TALENT AWAY??” You seriously can barely hear her dialogue in this part because there is so much swearing getting bleeped out. Aside from this everyone generally agrees that Kylah should go home because she has no acting talent (lol) and that there’s no way Jo-Anne is going because they all love her.

The girls go to the grand ballroom and honestly if looks could kill, all three judges would be dead because Michelle is fucking letting them KNOW she’s pissed hahaha. They pull Michelle and Sarah forward together and tell them they were the top 2 (so much for your tantrum Michelle) with Sarah getting leading lady (winning the main challenge). Jessica gets pulled forward on her own and basically just gets read for being crazy and told to calm down. Kylah and Jo-Anne are last and are the bottom 2; Jo-Anne basically for shutting down and Kylah for just being shit. In a controversial decision, however, Jo-Anne gets the axe while Kylah lives another week.

Stay tuned for Season 1 Episode 2!