Trigger warning! @vivilus-uncontrollable - Tumblr Blog

Mark Lindquist - Sad Movies

I have a problem with eating currently. On the one hand my self-esteem is really low and on the other I'm depressed. Both feelings can cause that I don't want to eat. I ate sth today and I feel so bad about it. I want to hurt myself as a form punishment but I don't have a plaster because I'm at my boyfriend's home. I'm drunk, depressed and alone, not a good combination.

#fear #bpd #borderline thoughts #faces of depression #depression #tw depressing stuff #eating problems

depressingxthings

Please, please, I beg you to kill me

#fear #tw depressing stuff #depressiv #depression #death #drunk

From one second to another I'm highly depressive, including suicidal thoughts and the urge to harm myself. Then, out of sudden everything is okey again. I don't know what I wanted to say, it's just so exhausting.

P. S. : okey:= feeling numb

#faces of depression #tw depressing stuff #depressiv #depression #fear #exhausted

Please...please, do me a favor and kill me now

#fear #bpd #borderline thoughts #depression #death

Used a meme template of the wonderful artist @catscafecomics. If you're reading this @catscafecomics, I just wanted to say that you are one of my favorite artists and I thank you for making me laugh even in dark times.

#Meme #Cute #Comic #Funny #Me

Let me introduce to you a dialoug between me and Depression*

Me: I woke up early to go to the gym

Depression: Hahaha, good joke

Me: That's not a joke, I really want to go to the gym

Depression: You got to be kidding... You, want ot go to the gym today? Hell no

Me: But why?

Depression: Because I say so

Me: And what would happen, when I don't listen to you?

Depression: Oh honey. We're living together in a peaceful monarchy right now and you surely don't want it to become a dictatorship

Me: You know that used these two governments in a wrong connection

Depression: Did you ever heard of Metaphors? Okey, I'll give you that. Let me change it a bit. We're living in a peaceful dictatorship and you don't want it to become a military dictatorship. Better?

Me: Yes, better. One last question.

Depression: I listen

Me: Why the fuck are you not allowing me to go to the gym?

Depression: After all these years you are still asking such questions? Are you really that stupid? I own you, I am the dictator, I am controlling everything. Beside that, you should know that I love what you hate, and despise your wishes. Finally got it, you stupid piece of shit?

Me: I hate you

Depression: I love me

Me: I expected that response

Depression: Maybe you're not that stupid, but even a blind hen sometimes finds a grain of corn

Me: Can I go to the gym?

Depression: No

*used depression as a personification because sometimes it is person. And 'my depression' would be wrong, because I don't own it. I'm under his possession

#bpd #faces of depression #mental illness #self hate #depression #Dialoug with my illnesses

"But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will,

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all,"

- Hamlet

Many people know the quote "To be or not to be, that is the question", but not so many know what this is about. Hamlet asks himself whether it's better to life and suffer or to die. He realizes that the fear of what comes after death, the reason is why we choose to suffer. Some people say, dieing by suicide is a sign of weakness, for him it's staying alive. I also felt weak because I wasn't strong enough to kill myself. Even though my suicide thoughts aren't as disturbing as they were, I still have the wish to die. And everyday I think 'Why didn't you just die during your first attempt' (13 years old).

My perspective changed over the last years, I don't think anymore that staying alive is a weakness. It needs a hell of a lot of strength to stay alive and everybody can be proud who survived till this day.

I want to note that I'm not actively suicidal right now.

#fear #bpd #quote #Suicide #depression #tw depressing stuff #depressiv #borderline thoughts #borderline life #Death #tired of being here #tired of this life #too tired

sow-ay

Congratulations everyone, you made it !

I saw my violator today.

I felt good for 2.5 weeks. I didn't think of the night often. I was even able to repress the whole thing on the 'anniversary'.

But since I saw him, all the negative feelings are back.

It was nice while it lasted. After eight years of depression I should be used to the fact that at any time all the progress one has made can disappear, but it hurts every time.

#fear #bpd #anxienty #mental health #mental illness #borderline life #faces of depression #violator #trauma #Depression

Every time I'm at the doctor, a small part of me thinks:

'Please find something deadly.'

Every time I go to sleep, a small part of me thinks:

'What about not waking up? '

Every time I take my meds, a small part of me thinks:

'How many Pils are too much? '

#fear #bpd #anxienty #borderline thoughts #mental health #mental illness #faces of depression #Depression

Self destructive behavior is far more than cutting. Often it isn't something visible. And sometimes you don't notice it yourself.

I didn't eat today. Slept 4.5 hours. Drank 5 cups of coffee. Stop myself from falling asleep. Drank a beer.

The result of all the things mentioned above, is a weak body. I'm not broken yet. But I hope that I will be, by the end of the week.

#fear #bpd #anxienty #borderline thoughts #mental health #mental illness #borderline life #faces of depression #depression #anxiety #Help

#borderline thoughts #fear #anxienty #bpd #mental health #borderline life #mental illness #faces of depression #depression #Kill me

vulnerablx

sad black and white blog, I follow back similar

borderlinepdfeels

Inspired by a recent message for advice and myself as someone with BPD.

We can be toxic.

Yes, it's explained by our BPD.

No, it's not an excuse.

I've seen people post about how they can't control it and it should be respected because of our BPD.

I'm sorry, but no.

Neurotypical or not, mentally ill or not, we are responsible for how we treat people.

Have I treated someone like crap because of a trigger or my mental health? YES. So. Many. Times.

I had to learn how to realize when that happens and apolagize profusely. Yes, the feelings made sense in the moment but they were fueled by BPD and they really didn't make sense at all. That's on me.

I didn't ask for BPD but whether we like it or not, we have to deal with it, it's our responsibility, or we'll just push everyone away and they'll be right because they have to worry about themselves too.

I've just started getting good at catching it before I lose my cool. I still mess up and I still apologize.

BPD can make us toxic.

Is it our fault? No.

Do we need to control it? Yes.

sow-ay

vivilus-uncontrollable

Several Examples

- 'You are talanted' / 'You can't even play this song you learned 3 years ago'

- 'You're smart' / 'Remember the wrong answer in physics last year'

- 'You deserve to be loved' / 'wHAt iS LOvE' (Baby don't hurt me)

- 'Show your true self' / 'Nobody wants to see your true self'

- 'Pain is subjective, you're allowed to feel bad' / 'They have it worse than you, so shut up'

- 'Crying is not a sign of a weak mind' / 'Ooh is poor baby crying again?'

#not okay #self esteem #self hate

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