what good is happiness to me if i've to wield it carefully?
damian wayne is utterly in love with you but he’s terrified of letting you in
playing | jackie down the line- fontaines dc
The chill of the early fall mornings made you rush through the streets on the way to the first courses of university. The sun was beginning to rise, and along with it, the volume of the music playing faintly in your headphones.
The big buildings got in sight, and the tunes slowed down as you breathed deeply after climbing all the stairs up to the second floor. Your average Wednesday in third year, an 8 am lecture to start the day fresh and awake, even if you wish you didn’t. The doors to the hall were already opened, a murmuring clatter coming from inside that let you know your classmates were waiting for the professor to arrive.
From the doorway, you looked for a place through lines and lines of desk rows, and you spotted near the front a very familiar green sweater waiting for you. As an easy smile spread through your face, you made your way over there as you waved hi to your other friends in class, greeting and talking briefly with them.
Finally reaching the row where Damian sat, he looked over at you and beckoned you forward with a gentle movement of his face, indicating that the desk beside his with a cup on top was for you. “Hi, Damian, thank you so much for saving me a spot, you know how much I hate sitting in the back in this class, you’re the absolute best” you thanked him as you set down your belongings in the space, speaking softly.
“Hmm. That’s for you, be careful in case it falls off or you burn yourself” he replied as he turned back to his own desk, looking at his laptop as if it was the most interesting thing ever and it hid the answer key to the final. Catching your breath after all the way to class, you realised that there was, in fact, a cup in front of you from your usual hanging out café, sweet and hot steam spilling over as the hints of vanilla and black tea woke you up for the class.
You blame the early morning and the lack of energy for your nonchalant reaction, because you just turned towards him as he side eyed your reaction and smiled at him so brightly that Damian swore he saw one of the stars from the observatory supernova right in front of him. Humming in return, he looked away just as quick as he stared at you before, muttering a simple “You’re welcome” as you tasted the drink, closing your eyes in recognition of the familiar flavours.
Tragically, your professor entered at that moment, so any chance at expressing how grateful you felt went down the drain, but the action didn’t fall on deaf ears.
You were aware that that isn’t a very Damian-like thing to do, but he did always seem to have a soft spot for you ever since you met on freshman year. After all, not everyday you find another meticulous enthusiast about your same passions: he found quite relatable how specifically you cared about everything you valued, finding an easy friendship blooming ever since which evolved into something more that the two of you didn’t acknowledge.
His soft spot for you was a bit of a joke between you and your friendgroup, as they witnessed first hand how fondly he looked at you while you existed, completely unaware of it. However, the others could very much comment and joke about it, making you two the designated parents of the friend group, a caring ode to the nature of both your relationship with the group and the one between the both of you.
Class went by smoothly, and after, you two parted ways to go do your own thing for the rest of the day, messages sent when something happened that you thought the other would enjoy.
The next time you hanged out was outside of class, just going for a casual coffee like you did countless time in the last three years, meeting outside your usual café. Nothing out of the ordinary, just your normal catching up, gossiping about your classmates on campus while peoplewatching, and talking about your hiperfixations; completely normal for the both of you.
When you finished your coffees, you realised it was still early and you didn’t have anything interesting to do, so a walk around a nearby park was the perfect plan. Damian, ever the gentleman and sweetheart he was, insisted on opening the doors for you and walking in the outer edge of the street, gently guiding you with his hands while subconsciously shielding you from nearby traffic.
His gesture seemed so natural for him, like he didn’t even bat an eye at his caring acts, so you just had to stand there looking the other way to try to cover your slightly flushed face while blaming the wind for your reddened cheeks and nose. Thankfully, he was completely unaware of this fact, looking completely focused on making sure you’re okay on the way to the park.
The open fence to the green space welcomed you in, and treading through its door, you walked aimlessly and slowly, enjoying the most out of the others presence while sharing interesting conversations and comfortable silences. When a sudden breeze left you shivering, cool air forcing its way through your winter coat, he looked physically distraught for a second before covering it up with false nonchalance, and he pulled you closer to his side, wrapping your arm around your waist loosely, giving you time to move away from his touch if you wanted.
Relishing in his warmth, you tried not to pay close attention to it, going with the flow of it and not making a big deal out of it, fully aware that if you dared make any comment or acknowledge it, he’d likely never do it again. So, his hand stayed spread on your waist, keeping you close to him, until something at the end of the pathway caught your attention.
A small orange kitten stood beside a flowery bush, licking his paws clean happily. Both of you, being the animal lovers you were, froze when you saw the tiny animal, whispering hushed tips and trick to get closer and pet it. Damian nudged you gently with his hand on the small of your back, and taking the initiative, you went slowly, ridiculously slow, along the path. Once you were at a prudent distance where he could smell you and examine you, you crouched and pushed your hand forward under the direction of the man behind you, and left it in the air to let the kitten make the first move.
Smelling your fingertips, the small animal pushed his head into your palm, beginning to purr instantly as you cooed at the kitten. Damian started getting closer to him too, mimicking your moves, until he crouched down right beside you and began petting him and scratching gently behind his tiny ears, not making any sudden moves.
And there you two stood a long while, just whispering facts about cats and tips to the other as you kept showing your love for said animal to the kitten. Something changed in the air then, as you two kept glancing at each other while smiling wide, finding it impossible to move away from the other.
You two had to leave at some point, but not after making sure he had some food from a nearby colony and he was safe, and you stood up, continuing along the way in the park. You didn’t miss the soft brush of Damian’s hand beside yours, feeling it inch towards yours, but deciding on giving up halfway. A bit disappointed by the action, you kept the easy flow going like before, blushing a bit under the intense gaze that focused on you when you looked away at the flowers nearby.
Damian, for some reason, left in a hurry shortly after, spouting some excuse about having forgotten to complete an assignment and accompanying you to your apartment, which left you at the door a bit confused and disappointed, like maybe you had imagined everything or you had gotten things mixed up.
Things changed after that day, his usual texts became dryer, and he even tried ditching your cinema Thursdays, leaving you completely heartbroken and on edge for the whole weekend, when you were also supposed to hang out. He barely even glanced at you in person, just focusing on his work 90% of the time even if he didn’t have any (information you knew because he confirmed it a few days before the incident), and the last remaining 10% was spent with awkward silence.
Completely fed up and on the verge of having a crisis because you really didn’t want to lose your closest friend, you cornered him after your 8 am Wednesday lecture. This week he didn’t bring you your drink like he usually did, and he even tensed up when you quietly sat alongside him, shoulders squaring up as if you were an outsider.
Trying really hard no to let a stray tear fall, you composed yourself and whispered to Damian to stay behind after the lecture while the professor had their back to you. Inhaling deeply, he nodded beside you, being the only form of response he was willing to give you at that moment. Class dismissed, people scurried away through the corridors, unaware of the messes both of your hearts were.
“Damian” you muttered in a spot away from foreign eyes, feeling the knot on your throat tighten a bit at his half assed “Hmm” he gave in reply.
“Why are you pulling away?”
“I’m not” he answered while looking anywhere else but into your eyes as he usually did. Something broke inside you a bit, making you grow a backbone all of a sudden.
“Cut the bullshit, what is going on?”
“Nothing, I don’t know where you get that from”
“Oh, so I must’ve imagined the past two weeks when you barely acknowledged me after that one day in the park? Was hanging out with me that horrible? I mean, you should’ve said something, it’s not like you to act like this, just speak with me. Did I make you uncomfortable or something when I leaned towards you? I’m sorry for that, I didn’t think it would annoy you that much” you explained while crossing your arms defensively.
“Then what is it, Damian? Communicate like the adult you are”
“I got scared, okay?!” he finally turned at you while confessing, eyes wide open and looking a bit out of breath and dishevelled “How could you even think that I am uncomfortable with having you at my side? Do you even know how it felt having you in between my hands? How I was sure my heart was going to explode?” he spoke into the wind.
“Well then if you say you liked it then why did you pull away? Was the smallest hint of something between us that embarrassing that you just began to cut contact with me?”
Damian looked almost out of it as he stared at you, puzzled and hurt expression as he said “Embarrassed...? I’m the one that pulled away because I didn’t want you to get dragged into my shit show of a life, I couldn’t live with it! Do you even know-“ he breathed in, closing his eyes to muster the courage. He had been getting closer while he talked, now standing right in front of you, brows furrowed in complete disbelief as he continued “Do you even know how you make me feel?
I felt something that day, something that could be very real, thinking what it could be like to belong with each other, being with my actual soulmate; the possibility completely overwhelmed me.
But then I thought how messed up my life and I can be: I can hurt you when I pull away because I don’t know how to act when I’m with you, I can be selfish and jealous because I want to be with you a ridiculous amount of time, I am a lot to deal with, and that is precisely why I pulled away. I want to see you overwhelmed by happiness, and if that means that I must sacrifice mine, then so be it.”
Damian was confessing his heart out to you in a corner and all you could think about is how much you wanted to thread your fingers through his hair and get lost in his gentle affection.
“Damian… have you stopped to think that maybe I want you too? That the past two years I’ve dreamed about this moment just for you to come here saying all this nonsense? Do you think I don’t know you? Do you think I’m not smart enough to make my own decisions about who I want?”
“No” he replied instantly, eyes fully out of it as he focused on each and everyone of your words.
“Then don’t self-sabotage and ask me out on a date”
“Will you go on a date with me?” he exhaled while focusing on your eyes, hands itching by his sides to pull you closer in between his arms.
“Yes, Damian. I’d love to go on a date with you.”