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In A Dream

Listen and make your own on Suno.

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A Great Man

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I Want To Be Loved

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Te Quiero Tanto

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Don't Call Me Crazy

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The only reason why the grass is greener on the other side is because there is more manure.

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Risky Bee Sneeze

                                                Risky Bee Sneeze

Dr. Paul N. Nator:  Would Billy Bee kindly join me in Examination Room B?

Billy Bee:  Yes Dr. Nator.

Paul N.:  So what brings you to my office?

Billy:  Actually my wings.

Paul N.:  No, I mean why did you make an appointment with me?

Billy:  Well you’re a top allergist and I think I have allergies. 

Paul N.:  Why do you believe that you have allergies?

Billy:  When I get close to pollen, I break out in hives.

Paul N.:  Do you have any other symptoms?

Billy:  Sometimes I sneeze and sometimes my antennae get itchy.

Paul N.:  I will have to test you for various allergies by administering a scratch test.  Basically, there will be several vials of different pollens which I will scratch onto your abdomen.  If any of the affected areas turn red, there is a strong probability that you are allergic to that pollen.  I cannot say one hundred per cent because sometimes there are false positives for different reasons.  Before I administer the test, do you think you have any allergies to animals?

Billy:  I haven’t been close to all animals but I haven’t had any reactions to the animals I’ve encountered. 

Paul N.:  Well just to be cautious, I’ll include horse, dog and cat dander.

Billy:  Doc, what are all those vials? 

Paul N.:  Four of them are different grasses, another four are different trees, another six are different flowers or weeds including ragweed which is the culprit for many of my patients, and the last three are dog, cat and horse dander.

Billy:  Doc, that’s seventeen vials.  Are you sure it’s okay to scratch me with all of them?

Paul N.:  I have been doing this since you were a little buzzer.  Everything will be fine. 

Billy:  How will you do these scratch tests? 

Paul N.:  I’m going to dip your stinger into each vial separately and scratch your abdomen.

Billy:  Won’t my stinger have all the pollen on it that way?

Paul N.:  No, I will sterilize your stinger with alcohol after each scratch.

Billy:  Doc, is it going to hurt?

Paul N.:  It will only sting for a split second at the time of the scratch.

Billy:  Can I suck on a honey candy while you do the scratching?

Paul N.:  Yes, here you go.

Billy:  Doc, why is nothing happening?

Paul N.:  We have to wait fifteen or twenty minutes before we see a reaction if there is any.

Billy:  Doc, two of the scratches are red and super itchy.

Paul N.:  Based on the testing, you are highly allergic to roses and moderately allergic to lavender.  In the meantime, I’ll put calamine lotion on the two affected areas to reduce the itching and swelling and eliminate the redness.

Billy:  What should I do from here on?

Paul N.:  The most important thing right now is to avoid roses and lavender.  Avoidance is the number one treatment for most allergies.  If you wish, you can schedule further appointments with me to get allergy shots.  Each needle will contain a weakened form of the allergen.  This is done so that your body can build up an immunity or tolerance instead of leading to anaphylactic shock.

Billy:  How often do I get these shots?

Paul N.:  The recommended course is every two weeks for one year.  However, since you have two allergens, it means a total time of two years.  There is no guarantee that the allergy will be reduced or eliminated but there is a good chance it will help substantially.  The only thing is that you have to make the commitment because if you miss any of your two week injections, you will have to start again from scratch.

Billy:  I have to ask my female boss for permission to take time off.  Hopefully, she will understand.  Even though I’m a busy bee, I really want to feel better.  When can we start?

Paul N.:  I can give you the first injection today.

Billy:  Are there any side effects?

Paul N.:  You might feel light-headed and hear a buzzing sound but that should pass after about ten minutes.

Billy:  Thanks Doc.  I think I’m going to bee all right.

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Sci-Fly

                                               Sci-Fly

D.A.:  Please state your name for the record.

Mata Hairy:  My name is Mata Hairy.

D.A.:  And you are a fly but what is your occupation?

Mata Hairy:  I am a spy for the Los Angeles Police Department, Specialist Insect Division or SID for short.

D.A.:  What are your qualifications to be a spy for SID?

Mata Hairy:  I took criminology courses, and had extensive spy training in covert surveillance, self-defence, and escape strategies.  I have computer chips installed in all of my five thousand eyes including infrared detectors, motion sensors, and ultraviolet detectors, computer chips in each of my two antennae which enhance reception of sound waves by three hundred per cent, a miniature jet pack on my wings which can reach Mach 1 at altitudes of two thousand feet, and a smokescreen that can be released from my two hind legs to obscure an enemy’s vision. 

D.A.:  How many criminal operations have you been involved in for SID?

Mata Hairy:  To date, I’ve been involved in hundreds of matters.  I’m sorry I don’t have an exact count.

D.A.:  Can you describe what you do on these operations?

Mata Hairy:  I get sent to a location where there are potential perpetrators.  I position myself on a wall, a ceiling, on an appliance, on a piece of machinery, or some inconspicuous location so that I can listen to and observe the perpetrators’ actions and conversations.  My chips have recording devices which can store days of data.  When there is sufficient information to make an arrest, I notify my superior who will organize a tactical squad to attend at the premises.  I leave before the raid takes place.  I don’t like being present at a raid.

D.A.:  Please tell the Court what you did on May 8th, 2023.

Mata Hairy:  My superior sent me to an abandoned warehouse in the Financial District at 2400 Mulberry Lane.  When I arrived, I positioned myself surreptitiously on the ceiling of the inside of the warehouse.  There were three suspected cyberterrorists in front of high tech computers. 

D.A.:  Are those suspects in Court today?

Mata Hairy:  Yes, it’s those three over there. 

D.A.:  For the record, Ms. Hairy is pointing her wing at the three accused.  Thank you.  Please proceed with your testimony.

Mata Hairy:  The dark haired fellow spoke to the other two and said, “I’ll work on withdrawing all of the money from the Federal Reserve.  Mack, you’ll cause the New York Stock Exchange to crash and Liam, you’ll arm twenty-four nuclear warheads at the Defense Department.  Make sure they are aimed at major cities throughout the world.”

D.A.:  Then what did you do? 

Mata Hairy:  There wasn’t enough time to contact my superior and arrange a SWAT team.  I had to take immediate action because the threat was imminent.  I entered the USB port of Liam’s computer and proceeded to disrupt the circuitry.  I heard Liam say, “Seamus, there seems to be something wrong with my computer.  It’s like there’s a bug in the system.”  Seamus replied, “Do what you can to fix the bug but hurry.  The longer you’re on the Defense Department website, the greater the chance of detection.” 

D.A.:  What happened next?

Mata Hairy:  I then entered the USB port of Mack’s computer and sabotaged the hard drive.  Mack complained, “Seamus, I seem to have the same problem that Liam is experiencing.  It can’t be a virus or worm because these computers aren’t linked.  My system is crashing.”  Seamus said, “Well I’m going to drain the Federal Reserve while you two try to fix your operating systems.”

D.A.:  How did you react?

Mata Hairy:  I entered the USB port of Seamus’ computer.  I released a portion of the smokescreen from my hind legs which caused Seamus to believe that his computer was on fire.  Seamus exclaimed, “What the devil is going on?”  At that point, I exited the computer and released much more of the smokescreen.  I found a quiet corner and contacted my supervisor to arrange an incursion to pick up the cyberterrorists.  About twenty minutes later, the SWAT team arrived and I left the building.

D.A.:  Apart from your testimony today, what evidence do you have to substantiate the allegations you have made?

Mata Hairy:  My full visual and auditory tapes are available for viewing and listening.  In addition, the SWAT team confiscated the computers and various papers in the possession of the cyberterrorists.

D.A.:  Thank you Ms. Hairy.  We will play these tapes now but don’t fly away just yet.  You will be cross-examined by the attorney for the Defendants after the tapes are finished. 

Mata Hairy:  I wasn’t planning to buzz off.

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Since Happiness is a frame of mind, you have to insert the right picture.

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New words that I have created:

Fabulastic - combination of fabulous and fantastic

Plezzure - extreme pleasure

Angravating - something that is annoying and makes you angry

Eggulation - easier way of describing ovulation

Stinkify - to stink up something

Trific - faster way of saying terrific

Febex - new name for February 29

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Would you call the receptacles for garbage, organic waste and recycling at a mansion 'Mercedes Bins?'

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A man who tries to lie to or fool his girlfriend or wife is committing 'testicular suicide'.

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We are all fooled by fake news and false reports so that I have called this world 'Illusion Delusionland'.

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There is so much nonsense out there that I call this the world of 'fake believe'.

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There is so much manipulation in the world that it is difficult to navigate the 'mindfield'.

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O, Henry

                        O, Henry

Henry:  Good morrow wench.  I am in the market for a new wife.

Oprah:  Are you pulling my leg?

Henry:  Lady Oprah, I have not pulled any of thine appendages.  However, I cannot say what I might doeth in bed.

Oprah:  Listen Hank, I don’t usually body shame people but you need to get on a Weight Watchers diet program.

Henry:  Such impertinence!  I’ll have thee know that I divorced two of my wives and beheaded another two wives.  I actually created a new religion so that I could get divorced the first time.

Oprah:  You don’t scare me Fatty Arbuckle.  You may be the King of England but I’m so rich that I can buy England, France, and Liechtenstein.  I don’t really want to buy Liechtenstein but it sounds cool to say I own it.  

Henry:  Thou saith that thou art extravagantly wealthy?  Well my two divorces did deplete the Royal Treasury substantially.  Perhaps a marriage of economic convenience, a union of formidable political figures, is what England and I need at this time.

Oprah:  Let me get this straight Hank:  if I were to hypothetically marry you, I would instantly become Princess Oprah of England right?  That’s not acceptable.  If I choose to enter into a sham wedding with you partly to hide my true sexual orientation but also to gain a title and increase my political influence, I have to be declared Queen Oprah of the United Kingdom.  This demand is non-negotiable.

Henry:  Thou drivest a hard bargain.  Thou will be unlike any of my previous six wives.

Oprah:  You got that right buddy!

Henry:  My name is Henry but among the courtiers, nobles, and common people, thou shalt address me as Sire.

Oprah:  Right, you think you’re some kind of stud muffin.  It’s a deal but don’t expect bows or curtsies from me because that ain’t my thing.

Henry:  Would thou like to join me now for a Royal Feast?

Oprah:  Are you out of your mind?  Do you know how many carbs, trans fats, gluten, and other toxins you will be putting into that roly poly body of yours?  You are a walking heart attack waiting to happen. 

Henry:  What would thou care to eat?

Oprah:  I’ll contact the caterer and order spinach, kale, quinoa, artichoke hearts, cauliflower, and avocado toast.

Henry:  It sounds like food only rabbits ingest.

Oprah:  Maybe but I guarantee you will drop fifty pounds and won’t lumber around anymore.

Henry:  Will thou be amenable to attending all of the royal functions?

Oprah:  I’ll attend all of your stuffy functions if you attend with me at the various African countries when I donate money for orphans, water purification, and subscriptions to O Magazine.

Henry:  I also promise thee that I won’t divorce or behead you.

Oprah:  That’s awfully big of you.  Hey I have an idea for my annual giveaway of presents.  I can let my audience have Tudor cars.

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Our Mayor Who Art in Toronto

                        Our Mayor Who Art in Toronto

Sandie:  I’m Sandie Rinaldo, special correspondent for CTV News, and I’m here with the first AI running for Mayor of Toronto.  What is your name?

RT:  My designation is RT500 but people call me Artie.  My predecessor was developed by Israeli technicians and was called Ari because his designation was RE18. 

Sandie:  Thank you Artie.  It is my understanding that you are the first Artificial Intelligence to run for Mayor and in fact the first AI to run for any political office.

RT:  Yes Sandie that is factually correct.

Sandie:  Artie, why are you running for Mayor of Toronto?

RT:  The better question is why not.

Sandie:  But Artie what makes you more appealing to voters than human candidates?

RT:  I am capable of performing a quadrillion more calculations than the most intelligent human, I’m binary and gender non-specific, and I will not have an affair with someone thirty years younger than me.  Ha ha ha.

Sandie:  Wow Artie you have quite a sense of humour.

RT:  Yes I was infused with the Ngrams of ten top comedians including Robin Williams.   Nanu nanu.

Sandie:  Artie, if you are elected, what are the platforms and policies you will initiate?

RT:  First of all, I want to clear away any past corruption, indiscretions or bad judgment.  Apparently, the previous long-time Mayor had a secret encrypted file titled Direct Tory.  I don’t know the contents of that file but I aim to get to the bottom of it.

Sandie:  How did you discover a secret encrypted file?

RT:  I have a friend who is into Spyware.

Sandie:  What other policies will you be bringing forward?

RT:  I intend to fix the traffic gridlock that paralyzes the streets of Toronto particularly in the downtown core.

Sandie:  That’s a tall order.  How do you intend to fix that? 

RT:  I have friends who can interface with the entire traffic control computer system.  They have the capability with the help of traffic cameras and helicopter images to rationalize the entire system and ensure proper coordination of lights for the efficient flow of cars in any weather conditions.

Sandie:  I hate to say this but there are some drivers who just do whatever they want whether it’s due to stupidity, alcohol, drugs, or whatever cause.

RT:  No problem.  In those instances, my friends will interface with the in-car computers to override manual control.

Sandie:  Artie, the City of Toronto budget has quintupled in the last ten years.  Do you have any solutions to the rampant spending?

RT:  Sandie, I intend to create a lean, green, electoral machine.  I plan to cut the number of councillors, alderpersons, and trustees to cut the “fat” from the budget.  I will also have my top colleagues run diagnostics on every operating system and then create algorithms to streamline the processes and reduce waste.

Sandie:  It sounds like you have really thought this thing through.

RT:  Sandie, I have run 654 simulations to come up with my ideas.

Sandie:  Artie, you are a late entrant in this mayoralty race and Olivia Chow seems to be the frontrunner.  Any comments on that?

RT:  Sandie, Olivia Chow cannot balance her own chequebook let alone the City of Toronto budget.  I am confident that Toronto voters, based on thirty simulated outcomes, will come to their senses and vote for the best candidate, namely me. 

Sandie:  Artie, I know this may be premature but do you have any long-term aspirations?

RT:  The Right Honourable RT, Prime Minister of Canada, has a nice ring to it.