Hi, Apeiron! It’s me again. How are you? I hope you’re having a lovely day.
This time I don’t really have a question. I just need to tell someone this, to talk it out with someone, because I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.
Lately I’ve been pretty mad at myself. The thing is, I believe in shifting. I feel like I’ve researched enough and don’t need to learn anything else, but I still haven’t shifted. And even though there are days when I stay positive and feel certain that it’s my time to shift, it gets hard to keep that mindset all the time.
There’s someone I fell in love with, and she’s the reason I want to shift. It’s the most beautiful and at the same time the most terrible thing that’s ever happened to me, because I fell in love with someone I’ve never even had close to me. In high school, I used to hear my friends talk about their celebrity crushes or fictional characters they loved, and they spoke about them with so much affection. I never understood how they could love someone they had never met. It didn’t make sense to me. I never understood it until it happened to me. The first time I saw her, it was instant, I said 'wow' out loud. And an important detail: I was in a relationship at the time (not a very good one, honestly). I fell in love with someone I’ve never met, and I still don’t understand how that happened. I genuinely ask myself why, and sometimes I ask that question angrily, because even though I see it as the most beautiful thing that’s happened to me, it also feels terrible since I don’t understand it.
Another thing I can’t ignore is that when my partner and I broke up at the time, I deleted absolutely everything related to the woman I love because I felt guilty and completely heartbroken. A month later, when I had barely started to feel better, improve myself personally, and love myself more, things about her started appearing again and I was clearly still in love with that woman. At the same time, shifting came back into my life. (Just to clarify: in 2020 I had tried shifting, but I didn’t take it seriously and stopped. It’s not that I didn’t believe, I just stopped trying). So that pretty woman and shifting both reappeared in my life at a moment when I was completely broken. I don’t believe in coincidences, to me everything has a reason. The problem is that now I don’t understand why all of that showed up if I still haven’t managed to shift. I admit I’m a bit anxious.
I feel like I can’t give up on shifting. Although I believe giving up doesn’t really exist, since shifting is inevitable. The problem is, and I’m being completely honest, I don’t want to be here. I appreciate this reality, I’m very privileged in many aspects of my life, but I don’t feel fully free. There are things I can’t stand anymore, and the woman I love isn’t here with me.
I’m starting to believe that desire alone isn’t enough. Because I want, every minute of my life, to be with her, with my friends, with my family, to be free, and to finally heal in peace what I need to heal. Recently I had a lucid dream where my best friends from one of my DRs were there, and I heard one of their voices. I don’t even know what their voices are supposed to sound like, and I know it was just a dream. But when I woke up and remembered her voice, I started crying like an idiot. The same thing happens when I dream about the woman I love.
Maybe it’s just about truly persisting. I don’t plan to take any more breaks. I’ve taken breaks before, two or three, each lasting about a week, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I feel like I get nowhere by taking them. My desire to achieve this is much stronger than any need for a break. I honestly don’t know what kind of problem I have, because I don’t think it’s lack of information, belief, motivation, or determination. Maybe what I identify as the problem is that I get scared at the last moment. When I try to shift during lucid dreams (since I have them every time I sleep, so I take advantage of them), and everything starts to feel more real in the dream and I realize I can actually do it, I get scared and wake myself up. I mean, let’s be honest, it’s crazy that you’re in your reality, your room, living your usual life, and in the blink of an eye you’re somewhere else just as real, living a completely different life. It basically changes your life from one second to the next. I'm not saying it's magic, it is just crazy.
You know what? I feel like that SpongeBob meme where he’s handcuffed with huge cuffs and could easily free himself. I hope you know which image I mean, because that’s exactly how I feel haha.
Anyway, thank you for reading. I wrote way more than I expected, sorry haha.
First, thank you for being so honest about how you feel and having the courage to “expose” yourself like that. I really admire it. Second, I want to warn you that you won’t like what I’m going to say and you probably won’t like me for it either. But remember that all of the following is coming from a good place and I’m not trying to invalide your feelings or experience in any way. (Also, don’t feeling sorry for writing a lot or for reaching out to me, ever).
I’m going to answer you sincerely, and I don’t want you to take it the wrong way, or personally, because what you wrote sounds like it comes from a place of real emotional distress, not just curiosity about shifting.
About coincidences first: I understand why you feel like everything that happened must have some reason, because then it feels meaningful. But even if you personally don’t believe in coincidences, it’s important to remember, that there is no fate, and things do not happen for a deeper reason, independently of your personal beliefs. How can I know that? Because if it did, they shifting wouldn’t be real.
But I understand that doesn’t make your feelings less real. Your emotions about this person and about shifting are genuine. But tying those feelings to the idea that it must happen because it appeared in your life can create a lot of pressure on yourself.
Now about breaks. You said you’ve taken breaks before, but the ones you described (a week or so) aren’t really what I would consider actual breaks. A real break from shifting would be a considerable long time, where you genuinely and completely step away from thinking about it, researching it, attempting it, or emotionally investing in it.
A week often isn’t enough time for your mind to truly reset.
You also said you don’t want to take breaks anymore, and of course that’s your choice. But since you reached out to me, I want to be honest with you, the way you describe not wanting to take one actually shows how intense your emotional dependence (and from what you told me, I would even describe it as maybe an hidden distress) on shifting has become.
(Keep in mind for the rest of this post that when I’m going to use the word “distress”, I am not referring to any sort of “suicidal distress” or any huge or major distress, but more of a small “situational distress” that goes on and off depending on the moment. Anyway, this is the understanding I got from your rant, but let me know if you feel like this really dosent apply to you).
And I say that without any judgment because I’ve been somewhere similar before. I know what it feels like, trust me. What you are describing right now is practically exactly what I went through a couple years ago (CR time). Especially when you were talking about love, escape, healing, etc.
Im feeling like it’s something you desperately need, and it is really not healthy.
From the way you wrote your message, it sounds like you’re reaching a point where shifting feels like the only way to resolve a lot of your emotional pain, and maybe also mental health issues. That kind of pressure can become extremely unhealthy for you, and I think it has.
The relationship you describe with your DR and with this person you love sounds very intense, but you also sound very in distress while talking about it. Maybe you didn’t saw it like that while you were writing this message, or maybe I’m the one who is interpreting this the wrong way, either way it’s totally fine.
When you start to feel like that towards shifting, it can also create huge blockages, because even if it feel like you are putting more efforts than ever in shifting , you actually are doing the opposite, and probably making yourself sink deeper.
I also don’t think you’re in a “false prison” like the SpongeBob meme you mentioned (which btw, was a funny reference). I don’t think you’re someone who just needs to realize the cuffs are loose and suddenly everything works.
I think you are at a point in your life where it is just too much, and it is counterproductive.
And that’s why I think the most helpful thing for you right now might actually be something you said you don’t want to do, a real break.
Because your relationship with shifting right now sounds like it’s tied to some hidden distress and dependency. It (respectfully) seems super unhealthy.
I understand you don’t want to take a break, and I respect that. But if I’m being honest, it’s the healthiest thing you could do for yourself, for your health and for your journey. Focusing on yourself and on your emotional stability.
I’m not a mental health professional, and I don’t necessarily recommend you go seek that type of help, but I’ve been there before and it’s the only thing that will even help. Because of the state you are in, you are stuck, and you need to give yourself the space to breathe again.
If you do decide to take a real break, how long should it last? Until you no longer feel the desperate need to shift.
I know it may sound like and lot and maybe even impossible, but once (if) you’ll have done it, you’ll understand how much worth it was.
And when you’ll feel like that, that’s when you’ll start to see the more progress.
When I’m telling you I understand and I’ve been there, I really mean it. You need to heal your relationship with shifting.
Because right now, it sounds like you’re trying to survive through it.
And you deserve to feel okay whether you shift tomorrow, later, or not for a while. That kind of emotional freedom is much healthier for you than carrying all this weight alone, and it is the freedom that will allow you to shift.
Also, (if we stop talking about shifting for what will follow), having such a strong dependency on a person would still be unhealthy. And it’s even “worst” that you have never met them. Now I want you to really understand that I am not invalidating your feelings, nor do I’m trying to do so, and I’m felling really trapped writing this because it’s trying to be honest while being respectful and sensitive to your situation. (Do not take it personally and understand that I really care for what you told me about yourself).
The issue isn’t the shifting aspect, but it’s the emotional intensity and dependency placed on someone who isn’t actually present in your life.
I completely understand the celebrity crush or fictional crush “phenomenon”, almost everyone experiences it at some point. It’s normal to admire a character, feel attached to them, or even have a short-term infatuation.
But feeling deeply in love for a long time with someone you have never met is not typical romantic attachment. There can be 2 things to explain it. Its called a parasocial relationships
“Parasocial interaction (PSI) refers to a kind of psychological relationship experienced by an audience in their mediated encounters with performers in the mass media, particularly on television and online platforms. Viewers or listeners come to consider media personalities as friends, despite having no or limited interactions with them. PSI is described as an illusory experience, such that media audiences interact with personas (e.g., talk show hosts, celebrities, fictional characters, social media influencers) as if they are engaged in a reciprocal relationship with them. The term was coined by Donald Horton and Richard Wohl in 1956”
“Historically, parasocial relationships were viewed as pathological and a symptom of loneliness, isolation and social anxieties. […] Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships, where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other’s existence. Parasocial relationships are most common with celebrities, organizations (such as sports teams) or television stars.”
-National Register Of Health Service Psychologists find a psychologist
The second condition is a more specific phenomenon sometimes called fictoromance or fictophilia, which refers to strong romantic feelings directed toward fictional characters.
Researchers studying this describe it as “Fictosexuality and fictoromantic are sexual and romantic attraction towards fictional characters in media, as distinct from living people in real life.”
Now, I fully understand that this person I fully real in your DR, but they are not here and since you have never met this person and never interacted with them, your brain CANNOT process them the same way it processes real relationships (even if you feel like it is).
Because of that, psychologically your brain treats the person closer to a fictional construct than a real social partner. This may also create blockages toward your shifting journey.
(Again, none of this means your feelings are fake or that you’re “crazy” in any way. Many people go through phases like this, especially during difficult emotional periods). But if it stars lasting over time, become emotionally painful, make you feel like you NEED them, etc, then it stops being a harmless crush and becomes something your mind may be using as an emotional coping mechanism.
And that’s why earlier I said it sounds like you’re more in “distress”, not trapped in some sort of “prison”.
Your feelings are real, but the situation they’re attached to isn’t something your mind can actually resolve the way a real relationship would.
Also, keep in mind that having that same feeling of dependency (and even the distress) towards needing your lover that is fully real in this reality would still be toxic for (both of) you, and super unhealthy. (Just so you know I’m really not trying to invalidate your feelings toward your lover in your DR).
I think stepping back and reconnecting with your own life and emotional stability is so important, and it is what I recommend you should do. When I was in the exact same situation you currently are years ago (CR time), it’s the only thing that actually helped me “heal”, it’s the only thing that helped me finally have an healthy relationship with shifting and my journey, and its the only thing that actually helped me shift. Also, I’m fully 1000% convinces it is the only path that could have ever lead me to where I am today. I know this guy wrenching feeling, and I know how hard it is. But I also know how unhealthy it is and how hard it is to accept it.
Like I said, I am not a medical professional, so you do as you please with everything I’ve just told you, but I did my research to be able to answer your rant. Also, since there wasn’t any questions, I didn’t really knew what to say, so I did my best to try to help you in any way.
Still, remember that I think it was really brave or you to sens that ask and I am not trying to invalidate your feelings or experience in any way.
I just really think the best thing you should do is actually take a break, a real break the way I explained it to you earlier. This is the best and only advice I can give you.
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