why was taz balance so good. it didnt have to be it was literally a comedy dnd podcast between 3 brothers and their dad. the trios nickname was the boner squad. why did i cry three times during the finale that griffin specifically chose to be episode 69. one of them took their date out to a pottery and wine combo establishment called âthe chug and squeezeâ which, after later episodes, was scenes that contained shit thatd were so plot-twisty i stared at my wall for a good minute thinking about it. a character that was named garfield and was never given a physical description - which resulted in everyone just picturing the cat - had a clone of one of them stored away in the back room for reasons that were never given. griffin ended this series purposely on episode 69
Is it? Is it, Griffin, is it REAL low? Is it almost like some fucking LICHES of our imagination SUCKED my hit points away from me, a WIZARD? Is that what may account for the LOWNESS? Itâs like, so CRAZY low, HUH?
Barry Bluejeanâs famous âAre You Afraid?â question came from trying to say âare you okay?â and âdonât be afraidâ to the boys at the same time, but heâs a nervous disaster of a man and just had to roll with itÂ
barold bluejeans has skills from half of the d&d classes because heâs an anxious man desperately trying to singlehandedly make up for the IPREâs party comp of Six Spellcasters And A Fighter
barry: one issue with having aâŠletâs say extremely popular story, is that now, sometimes parts of my life just become trademarks, and i donât necessarily need or want or desire that. like, you talk about necromancy. and then on fantasy twitter, evâ youâ to everybody on fantasy twitter you become Lich Boy. and really, thatâs my life iâm living?Â
lup: mmm.
barry: iâm living the lich life. like. day to day. and itâs not necessarily something that i want to define me as a person
lup: sure.
barry: i donât need an additional trademark on those lines.
lup: barry! please join me in my umbrella vore corner, and we can hang out here and have a little party, together!
barry: [laughs] i just didnât mean for that to be my brand, i guess, is what iâm worried aboutâ
lup: well we donât get to make this call, my boy. you talk about liches, or sexual swallowing, or make a funny umbrella once and it gets broadcast across reality, and then thatâs who you are to folks. but iâve got fucking layers man. iâve always got fucking mints on me. but nobody calls me the mint girl, nobody ever asks me for mints, they always wanna talk to meâŠabout umbrellas or vore.
barry: lucretia edited out the part of the umbrella story where right after, lupâs like âuh, anybody got a mint? just kidding, i always have mints.
theres an interaction in the first ep of rockport where merle says âcan we bring billy bluejeans backâ and taako replies âits barry. oh how quickly you forget huh. boy barry must have made a real impact on youâ and all of this is in front of lucretia
We all miss Barry Bluejeans. He was a beloved character that was in like, two episodes and then he died. But it was the name, wasnât it? It was the best name and I wasted it on a, uh, Red Shirt
Griffin McElroy, an evil man, TAZ episode 18 (via maegnus)
Stolen Century plots I kinda wanna write but probs never will
- Barry introduces the locals to necromancy, accidentally becomes a cult leader
- Lup and Davenport get addicted to street racing, everyone gently tries to remind them that using the Light of Creation to soup up their wheels is really, really irresponsible CAPTAIN!??!
- Fischer eats some important manuals and now they have to deal with malfunctioning machinery with no goddamned clue how it works
- The crew gets split up and hopelessly lost in a labyrinth. As they find theyâre way out they have some Nice Bonding Moments - Lup and Merle talk about faith and hope; Dav, Magnus and Barry talk about duty and devotion; Lucretia and Taako find some weird mushrooms and get fucked up
- A rich and powerful monarch has the light, but is willing to trade it for (insert IPRE member)âs hand in marriage.
- One or both of the twins get turned into a vampire and spends the cycle lowkey trying to eat everyone.
- Davenport gets kidnapped and held for ransom and the whole crew rushes to save him, only to discover he was perfectly capable of rescuing himself. The kidnappers had squirreled him away in a library and he decided it might be nice just to take a break and do some reading.
- Someone challenges the crew to a battle of intellect for the Light and Taako almost blows it when they ask him a math question
- Barry gets hit with a mild but annoying curse that can only be broken by âtrue loves kissâ. It ends with Merle kissing him platonically on the cheek, because of course the whole crew loves each other!! Meanwhile Taako is fuming because he cast that spell so Lup would kiss him and theyâd finally admit they liked each other godAMN IT MERLE YOU WHERE IN ON THIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING MAN???
- They come across an entire world of intelligent plant people. Merleâs delight is directly proportionate to everyone elseâs suffering.Â
hurley/sloane, 700 words, rated T for vague sexual references. pre-Petals to the Metal. for @rustingroses.Â
Afterwards, Hurley remembers her in flashes, in snippets. Like Sloane moved too fast for her memories to grasp. Like pieces of a dream.
--
âThis is a shitty assignment, you know.â
âDetective Hurley--â
âIâm better than petty theft.â
âSheâs hard to catch. We need--â
âJust because everyone else on this force is incompetent--â
âDetective Hurley.â
âYeah, yeah, I know. Iâll take the job. Sheesh.â
--
She follows the Raven for two weeks without finding anything. Interviews shopkeepers, who saw nothing. Interviews shoppers, who saw less than nothing. She suspects magic, at first, but she finds no traces of it; the woman is just that good at what she does.
Then comes the day she manages to trail her to the races.
Oh, the races.
--
Itâs something else, watching that girl drive.
It haunts Hurley when she sleeps.
--
âA fan, huh?â the Raven laughs, spinning around. Hurley starts; nobody sheâs tailed has seen her before, and now this--after the races, on her way home, when this should be easy, when the mark should be distracted. âIâve noticed you following me for weeks. Not bad, though.â
Hurley balls her hands into fists. âYouâre under arrest for--â
The Raven steps closer, towering over Hurley, blotting out the sun.
âWould you like to drive with me?â
--
The first time Hurley gets in a battlewagon her body feels electric; before they even start moving, before Sloane even climbs in the driverâs seat beside her, before the other racers are even on the road.
âYou feel it too, huh?â Sloane asks, and Hurley stares at her with eyes wide.
Of course she does.
How could she not?
--
They race.
Oh, Gods, how they race.
When they run, they run clean--when everyone else careens into splinters of wood and metal, Sloane drives them forward, forward, forward out of the fray--and Hurley screams, she always screams, with the lightning under her veins, with her hands tight around the carapace of the wagon.
âYes, yes, yes,â she hears Sloane muttering under her breath as they peel ahead. âYes!â
--
âCome home with me,â Sloane says before the wagon even stops moving, a command, a demand, like everything else she says and does--she takes what she wants, when she wants, and it falls into her lap like it was meant to be there.
Hurley is no different.
She undoes her tether and tumbles out of the battlewagon, a tuck-and-roll motion as she hits the floor, and Sloaneâs laugh rings in her dizzied ears.
---
Hurleyâs never been to the slums before; never been to a house that could be described more as a hovel; never been in a house so small. It is crammed to the brim with things--trophies, gems, mismatched knick-knacks that somewhere in the back of her mind, Hurley remembers seeing itemized on a police report.
âClothes,â Sloane says as she shrugs her leather jacket off her shoulders. âYou. Too many.â
Hurley adds her uniform to the pile of things Sloaneâs stolen.
--
âI love you,â Sloane says one day, when theyâre fixing the wagon after a crash. Hurley looks at her with a face flushed red. âDonât tell anyone I said that. I have a reputation to keep.â
Hurley climbs over the wreckage of the car and kisses her.
--
And then, the Sash.
The first day Sloane finds it, she bathes Hurleyâs bed in rose petals. She wraps her tight in vines and tosses her into the pile while Hurley laughs. While her head swims. Hurleyâs never felt more fucking alive.
When she thinks of it later, it makes her skin itch.
--
âSloane--â
âI said I donât want to talk about it, Hurley.â
âDonât want to talk about it? Two people are dead!â
âItâs how the game goes--â
âItâs never been how our game goes. Fuck you, you know that!â
âItâs a new game now, Hurley, what donât you understand?â
â...You.â
--
She wishes sometimes that the Voidfish could chew the edges of her mind the way it does everyone else.
She wishes sometimes she could forget: about the Gaia sash, about battle wagon racing, about an old police report for petty larceny. About summers on the cliffside. About that house in the slums. About the Raven. The Ram.