Tbh I think the thing about "trans guys just wanna look like young children and don't wanna actually look like adult men" can come from a few reasons.
1. Afab ppl are subjected to the idea that their beauty is tied to their youth more than men, even if they transition that idea of aging being bad is still there (and it's also still a thing for men just not as often I've seen)
2. Missed childhood. They didn't get to be a boy as a child or have the same school experience. The way guys act in school is usually very different from the girls so they didn't get to have the same experiences they would have if they were born their preferred gender
Instead, by the time they actually transition they're grown but now they're finally the gender they wanna be and they want those experiences
The point of this post was that there are many (not all) trans men who complain "t works too well, I don't want xyz to happen to me" specifically about symptoms like weight gain or increased body hair, things that just make them look more like an adult man. Ppl on the internet have been making jokes about how "they'll be shocked when they actually turn into a man". I made this post becuz I think there's reasons for it
Tbh I think the thing about "trans guys just wanna look like young children and don't wanna actually look like adult men" can come from a few reasons.
1. Afab ppl are subjected to the idea that their beauty is tied to their youth more than men, even if they transition that idea of aging being bad is still there (and it's also still a thing for men just not as often I've seen)
2. Missed childhood. They didn't get to be a boy as a child or have the same school experience. The way guys act in school is usually very different from the girls so they didn't get to have the same experiences they would have if they were born their preferred gender
Instead, by the time they actually transition they're grown but now they're finally the gender they wanna be and they want those experiences
This won't have every instance of his ideation and will only use some examples over the course of the series.
the first instance that made me wanna write this is when they go into the school basement and yuu tries to steal the axe off his classmate.
he is being very reckless in this scene, disregarding his own safety after shinoa warns him of the danger, and it seems he has the belief that if he isn't strong enough, then he doesn't deserve to live. he's been told what could happen, yet he doesn't care becuz he'll either be strong enough to overcome it and get closer to his family, or he will be too weak to take the next step to revenge, and then die.
death is something he feels he deserves if he can't get revenge; he is either strong, or undeserving of life. his reckless actions are constantly putting that to the test, he either comes out alive, showing his strength. or he dies like he deserves, since he's too weak
this behaviour has been constant for him, both as a child and teen. while not all of it could su*cidal (some actions could be genuine impulsivity), he does things that could easily get him killed, like trying to fight the vampires, with seemingly no regard to his own life. even when the situation goes badly, he doesn't seem to care too much (for example waking up after the demons nightmare, he is calm and more focused on getting into the army, rather than the fact he almost died).
this shows he wouldn't have been all to bothered if what he did had killed him. it could also be read as him hoping to die, but either failing or being overcome with the desire to get revenge more than his desire to give up
besides his blatent reckless actions, another thing that hints to him being su*cidal is his anti-social behaviour. at the start of the series, shinoa says he avoids social interaction becuz he lost his family, which is true, losing ppl so important to him would make him fear abandonment or make him feel like others may be better off without him (something he was taught by his parents). but the way he speaks to ppl when he's first introduced to the class is aggressive, and i feel he is doing this to avoid getting attached to ppl in life, so that he doesn't have any issues with su*cide in the future.
he won't have anyone who he cares about to make him second guess his choices, and other ppl won't be hurt if he does die, becuz he'll have created an image of himself being rude and unlikable. the last point is important since he was raised to believe he was a demon and was hurting other ppl, which could instill an urge to not bother anyone with his su*cide, as he was always been treated like a burden by other ppl and making ppl care about him only to kill himself would upset others.
the reason i think this is becuz we know he isn't a selfish or introverted character. he likes ppl and can easily make friends. which is something mikaela says about him during their reunion: hes too nice for his own good, too trusting. this is shown when he easily makes friends with yoichi and even gets along with kimizuki. he quickly gets to know them and quickly begins to trust them, showing he is that type of person, but he still isolated himself for yrs.
this isolation was caused by his fear of trusting ppl, his fixation on revenge and the memories of his family, and his urge to die and be gone from the world as soon as possible.
there was no time for him to have friends, he was too busy trying to get stronger. this isolation caused by his refusal to let his past go would negatively affect his mental health, as he wasn't meeting others and having new positive experiences with them, and was instead spending all his time thinking about everything bad that happened, and what he witnessed. it gave him so much time to surround himself in his trauma with no friends to support him, making him believe more that his life was only suffering.
When he allowed himself to grow new connections, he found more than just one reason to live. Although Mikaela was still the most important person to him, he wasn't only existing for revenge and for him, he was doing it for his friends too. This is good for yuu, it allowed him to see more good in life and to let go of his dependency on Mikaela a little bit, because he had more than just one person who treated him well.
He even placed the Shinoa squad as equal to Mikaela at one point. Now he knew Mika was ok he was going to save his friends whether Mikaela followed him or not. Becuz they had become just as important to him. This is so important to his character as being able to have more than one support system is key in having healthy relationships. If one person cannot be a form of comfort, there are others to go to.
They way yuu cared about Mikaela and pushed everyone else away in his life meant he only had one support system, and he was dead. So yuu was living off nothing but the desire for revenge, allowing himself to be consumed by his own trauma and solitude without anyone else there to help him through it. He could get as bad as he wanted and there would be nobody to help him, becuz he only let himself rely on Mikaela, and he was dead
Him going to save the Shinoa squad shows he's finally managed to build healthy relationships again and rely on ppl other than himself. He can trust them and knows he will not witness their deaths like he did mikaela's. He depends on them in combat, showing his trust for others once again. After so long of only having himself to rely on, and needing to be as strong as possible to fight the vampires alone, he can let others support him
His passive su*cidal ideation as a child
The scene I'm analysing here is from the ca16 light novel. I have not read the manga and will not be using manga panels.
In the scene yuu is with Saito and they are driving to the orphanage. He tells Saito that he was called a demon by his parents, and that he is the reason they are dead. He shows very little self worth in this scene and Saito picks up on it.
He tells yuu if he wants to die then he can throw himself out of the car. However yuu doesn't.
Despite believing he is a horrible person, a burden and the reason his parents died. He still doesn't kill himself. The chance to is right there and he had every reason to, he thinks he should be dead and that ppl would be better off without him. Yet he doesn't move.
This shows he isn't able to kill himself as a child, despite wanting to there is something preventing him. Maybe it's fear, maybe he doesn't want to yet, becuz he has barely lived his life. He is still a child and he is shown to be pretty optimistic in the series. Despite everything he went thru, he still wants to hope that things will get better, some part of him still believes it can, and he wants to live even if he doesn't think he does. Saito is right about him still wanting to live.
He cannot bring himself to do it, he still wants to live, and he always does. In the series, there are always excuses for him to live.
He rejects the orphanage and kids as much as possible while the kids are alive, says he's not apart of them, however when they die, he calls them family and never gets over their death. He mourns them for four years and uses getting revenge on the vampires as his reason to live. He finds Mikaela again and makes being with him again a reason to live. He makes protecting the Shinoa squad a reason to live.
Although all of these have different values to him (he cares about Mikaela enough to abandon the Shinoa squad), he still uses each of these as something to push him forwards, even when he admits to wanting to die the whole time. He always looks for a reason to keep going, becuz he doesn't truly want to die.
I will make more parts going over more of his character, including his death flags in the newer chapters. It's just that he's the main character and also so complex, there's lots to get thru
I've made an analysis of mikaela's issues with blood drinking in ons before, but I want to redo it on tblr becuz I can write more and organize my thoughts better, so that's what I'm going to do.
TW// ED, SA
1. Vampire blood
Firstly, someone on twt brought up if Mikaela could survive off krul's blood forever.
In my opinion no, he couldn't.
Despite having access to vampire blood, he still craves human blood. The pain, the thirst, it's all still there. This gives me the impression that vampire blood isn't as good as human blood, that a vampire cannot survive off their own kind and must drink from a human at some point. He also has to question how long the blood will work. He wouldn't need to do this if he could live off it permanently. Vampire blood is not enough.
Additionally, he still attacks ppl while having access to vampire blood. Even dropping a vial of krul's blood to instead attack a human.
If her blood was able to dissolve the thirst, he wouldn't be struggling even while drinking. He would be able to control himself properly becuz he wouldn't have any need for human blood. His body wouldn't crave it if it didn't require it.
I'm not saying Krul's blood completely didn't work, it's shown to make him stronger several times in the series, but it never seems to last as long: he drinks but then it's shown he is back to being just as thirsty/more thirsty a while later.
He has to carry around a bag of vials with him to give him strength. The other vampires don't appear to have this. While they can drink from humans they find, they don't know when they'll be able to do this, since there aren't many humans around. So it seems they're kind of expected to just deal with the thirst, and Mikaela has special treatment from krul.
To me, krul supplying Mikaela with so much extra blood shows he needs more than the vampires who drink human blood. This is backed up by the fact he asks krul for more of her blood.
After losing control, he asks her to increase the amount she gives him on his next mission. So, while he may have lived off the amount she was giving previously, it seems the dosage he needs increases overtime, as his body goes an extended period without proper human blood, the need for energy worsens and so does his thirst.
He even says on some of the panels I've shown that her blood isn't working anymore (I genuinely don't know how it could be up for debate whether or not he can live off krul's blood. This literally confirms he can't).
Another thing I noticed is that the amount of times he's attacked ppl for blood has also increased.
In season 1, he drinks a vial of vampire blood and is able to resist the urges the whole fight with guren, even overpowering him while holding back slightly (he only needs help from ferid when he underestimates the humans and gets caught in a trap).
He even gets hurt -- stabbed twice -- and has no issues.
Later on, he snaps and attacks several children, or at least struggles not to stare, and almost gives in to the thirst. The vials of blood aren't working, and he is thirsty still, to the point of almost hurting ppl. He struggles to walk in some scenes in the anime and it's noticeably getting worse, even with the extra blood krul gave him -- it is worse.
He didn't struggle like that in the earlier chapters/season He wasn't seen staring at humans or attacking them like that despite being near them multiple times. It's only in season 2 that this behaviour begins to grow noticeable.
2. Reasons
I think it's pretty clear that his issues with drinking blood stem from what ferid did to him and the way he percieves the vampires. I've made a whole analysis on what ferid did to Mikaela so I won't talk too in dept about it here.
The way he was treated would make him have a very negative connection towards drinking. It's mentioned drinking is pleasurable and he would most likely be reminded of what ferid did to him whenever he felt that pleasure again. This would cause him to avoid that feeling as much as he could, because he doesn't want to remember that.
Not only is it a reminder of what ferid did to him, but it's also a reminded of what he sees is the cause of his family's death. He went to ferid to try and escape, and got everyone killed.
In that moment, there would be a feeling of powerlessness.
When ferid drank from him, he felt powerless, like he didn't have control of the situation. When he watched his family get killed, he begged ferid to stop; he had no control over that situation.
Blood, the pleasure from drinking, has so many connections to control and loss of control for Mikaela.
And I do think having control matters to Mikaela. One reason is how he gets seemingly happier once he regains more control.
When yuu relies on him to make a plan, when they agree to not get used by anyone again, to do what they want instead of having to follow someone else's plan, falling for other people's traps. And when Mikaela is a demon and isn't losing his control to thirst. He seems to get a little less serious and takes things more lightly. He isn't stressing about yuu as much and seems to act a little bit more like his childhood self.
I've seen some ppl say this is removing his character development to make him go back to that personality, but I genuinely think he's acting like that again becuz he's happy he isn't a vampire anymore. He isn't being controlled by his thirst, it isn't a constant battle. He is regaining control of himself and the situation.
He wants to be reliable and he couldn't be when he was a vampire, at least not as reliable as he wanted.
This shows he struggles with needing to be in control, which relates back to blood drinking.
This is also where I start making connections between his behaviour and some aspects of eating disorders. While not all of it can be connected, I think there are correlations in the way he starves himself out of fear of drinking + a need to show control, and the way certain eds cause ppl to starve out of fear over various things + to control something.
Another reason for it is that he doesn't want to see himself as a monster. Yuu and the other children, Mikaela himself too, were all victims of the vampires and how they treated humans. Yuu especially seemed to hate them, openly talking about how he would save everyone.
Mikaela wouldn't want to be seen as a monster. he had no idea how yuu would feel if he found out Mikaela was a vampire. They didn't have contact for 4 yrs and after what happened to their family + Mikaela thinking it was his fault, it would make sense for him to believe yuu would hate him for it. Whether he was a full vampire or not he could believe it makes sense for yuu to hate him. So obviously he would try to remain at least a little human
"I don't want you to see me as some grotesque creature."
Another reason is that he never wanted to be a vampire. He was ready to die with his family, like he deserved. He was the one who led them into that trap to begin with and all except yuu were dead because of his plan. He deserved to die by his family's side, to stay with them in the afterlife. It's what was best for him after getting them killed, it's what he wanted, to be with them forever.
Krul didn't let that happen and he was forced to drink blood, to be a vampire like the one who killed his family. This is, again, a moment where he loses control. He isn't even given the choice to die when he wants, when he has nothing left. He is forced by someone else to live as the thing he hates.
He didn't want that, so he would be fine dying of thirst, showing he was able to resist it until death. That would seperate him from the vampires, show his self control. Even if he wasn't ready to die until he saw yuu again, he was still shown to be ready to die once they met. All he wanted was to warn yuu and he would let the thirst kill him becuz that was better than drinking human blood, better than becoming a monster. He would hate himself even more if he did that and that intense hatred would have given him so much aversion towards drinking.
I will be making a part 2 discussing more about his character
I can't post anymore images so I'll be leaving this here and writing a second part going over some more things about his character.
Mikaela is one of my favourite characters ever so I really want to go over every aspect about him
(A conversation between me and a friend where I analyzed the image/scene where the bite scene happens, and they played off it and added more. I also go by Ker so that's me lol)
Mikaela Hyakuya
Mika's right hand being on Yuu's thigh is a sign of vulnerability. This is because he's pressing himself closer to Yuu, willingly putting them into a more intimate position to essentially convey a "I am trusting you with myself" while also sort of a "I am willing myself to trust myself for you." Now, the fact it's a tight grip and not quite relaxed just shows that he struggles to completely let go of it. Which brings us to his left hand. Clutching at the shelf. This side of him shows his hesitance. While he's given in and allowed himself to become a full vampire, it's against his wishes/will. And while he's allowed himself to become vulnerable and trust Yuu, he can't quite bring himself to trust him. Not to mention this scene specifically has Mika facing away from us, almost saying "don't look at what I've become." Going onto his body, he's trying to accommodate Yuu as best as he can. He's not pinning Yuu down or pushing against him, even though he probably has the urge/instinct to. He's resisting the instinct and restraining himself to be as gentle as possible with him. The fact Mika's injured and bleeding as well shows how much he trusts Yuu with himself.
Chrono:
“This side of him shows his hesitance. While he's given in and allowed himself to become a full vampire, it's against his wishes/will.” THIS PART COMES FROM THE FACT THAT THE OTHER TIMES HES SHOWN TO BE HUNGRY, HE TAKES IT. FORCEFULLY GRABBING KRUL'S ARM AND PINNING THAT RANDOM KID DOWN, FOR EXAMPLE.
YUU BEING THE EXCEPTION, HIS FIRST BITE, HIS FIRST HUMAN TASTE (AND WHEN WE KNOW HOW MUCH MIKA LOVES THE TASTE OF YUU IN PARTICULAR) HE STILL MANAGES TO HOLD HIS MONSTROUS APPETITE BACK FOR HIS SAKE (YUU'S) BECAUSE THAT WINS OUT IN THE END. HIS PROTECTIVENESS OVER HIS PREDATORY DESIRE.
Yuuichirou Hyakuya:
Oh boy there's a lot here. Especially seeing the entire scene animated. But for the sake of word limits, I'll do this still frame. Number one: his hand in Mika's hair. He's actively, most likely softly, pushing Mika's head into his neck, thereby pressing Mika's mouth and fangs into his neck more, silently reassuring "it's okay, I'm alright with this." Why? Because as stubborn and naive Yuu may appear sometimes, that boy is awfully and extremely aware of the people around him. Yuu knows Mika hates this. He knows that Mika doesn't want this. But he also knows that he must do this to keep Mika alive. So, just like Mika, he's trying to be as accommodating and gentle as possible. The blood sucking probably feels weird and violating, in a way. Especially because it's against his own nature and instinct, which would tell him to fight Mika off. But just like Mika, Yuu is fighting against his own human instinct. Not to mention his training. And not to mention his hatred for vampires. Yuu's only reaction was the initial bite, the slight wince. (FUCK IT IM TALKING ABOUT THE ANIMATED SCENE.) Immediately after getting bit, Yuu gently lifts Mika and scoots them into a more comfortable and easy position. As he does so, he gently cradles Mika. It would be human nature to squirm and hiss when a vampire is drinking your blood, since blood is your life essence. But Yuu forced himself, forced his body and breathing, to relax. This way, he would make Mika more comfortable and less guilty, even if just a little. He also gently rubs Mika's hair, creating a soothing/caring stimulation, another reassurance. Moving on to Yuu's right hand on the floor, this is also a sign of vulnerability. He could have put it on Mika's shoulder to push him off later, but he's essentially saying "I know I am safe with you, I needn't worry about it." This is also proven with the way Yuu tilts his head back, and let Mika's hand push against his thigh. Adding on: the rubbing could also be seen as a grounding agent. To keep Mika calm and mentally with him.
Chrono:
“This way, he would make Mika more comfortable and less guilty, even if just a little. He also gently rubs Mika's hair, creating a soothing/caring stimulation, another reassurance.” they both take care of each other so wonderfully it's amazing. i worry that i don't depict yuu taking care of mika enough as much as mika does BUT IT DEF GOES BOTH WAYS thats one of the reasons i'm feral for them. they're mutually obsessive and while it CAN be unhealthy, it's ALSO in a healthy way in particular to the way they take care of the others emotional and physical needs since the other cannot take care of themselves. or want to due to their equal self-loathing. i'm getting a lil sidetracked but these soothing gestures he did in this scene, i saw the potential of them BOTH being the caretaker of the relationship. mika just takes his to a greater scale bc like i said, he's nurturing AND his unending loyalty makes him a ferocious protector.
Ker:
“they take care of the others emotional and physical needs since the other cannot take care of themselves.”
THIS. THIS IS THE KEY POINT. THIS PERFECTLY SUMS UP THE ENTIRETY OF YUU AND MIKA'S RELATIONSHIP.
While it could be seen as an unhealthy obsession, this is still good for them. Because they themselves do not believe themselves to be worthy/good enough for comfort. But they do not reject it if it comes from one another. That is the beauty of their relationship. That is the reason Mikaela has not let himself fully die yet. Because he knows. God he knows. That Yuu would never be able to truly live without him. Not anymore. Because was Yuu living before? Even during their separation, Yuu still lived for Mika. He wanted to kill vampires to avenge Mika. For Mika. Yuu didn't truly live, he existed to fulfill something. And Mika is smart, he noticed it. Mika had probably hoped Yuu could move on and live on without him. But deep down, he's keenly aware of the fact that won't happen. Why else do you think Mika asks Yuu to let go of him? Why else do you think Mika isn't the one to leave, if he is so adamant of Yuu forgetting and giving up on him? It's the same reason he's so aware of why Yuu won't do it. Mika feels the exact same way. That's why he asks Yuu to give him up. Because Mika can't give Yuu up either.
*slams table* AHHHHHH
Chrono:
I think mika wanted yuu to hate him. to give up on him, so he tries to emotionally close himself off in that scene and says things that may hurt him even if he would hate to see yuu cry, but he underestimated JUST how stubborn and just how much yuu was willing to cling onto him. that broke him more man.
“you have it just as bad as he does”
Ker:
Absolutely. That's why he tried to hurt him.
They protect each other, no matter the cost. Whether it's themselves, or the world. This has been proven with actions and words from both sides.
Chrono: it's so crazy how they're so different from each other YET share so many qualities at the same time
Ker: the difference is where the desire comes from. For Mika is comes from selflessness, but for Yuu it derives from selfishness. They're opposites. And that's the point of them.
Chrono: like i love how they're both stubborn, how they had their angry phases, how they bring out the best and worst.... but in spite of it all, what really makes me happy, is to see them finally free themselves from the stresses in the life BECAUSE it's just them two. they're laughing again and say what these theorists will about demon mika simply copying a personality yuu simply wants to see... i think their banter and happiness with each other is genuine.
they're also teaching eachother to be selfish / selfless respectively. like mika telling yuu the whole world matters, not just the ones close to you... and yuu teaching mika its okay to chase his own happiness. there will be a way without comprising anyone's own happiness/life. it will simply be harder.
I realized I’m doing quite a lot of videos and planning on doing more, so I decided to make a masterpost so keep things organized. Once I upload a new video I’ll add it to the list and reblog it to keep it updated (or at least I’ll try to lol)
Main Storyline (in chronological order):
Guren’s squad celebration party (Guren’s PoV)
Guren has few friends (Guren’s PoV)
It’s bath time!
To Shinjuku (Mika’s PoV)
Mika and Yuu elope run away together
VS Lucal
I’ll protect Yuu you
Main Storyline (SPOILERS, GAME-ONLY SCENARIO!!):
Reunion, part 1
Reunion, part 2
Reunion, part 3
Let’s save Guren (part 4)
VS Ferid! (part 5)
Battle scene: Mika vs Ferid
Retreat! (part 6)
I’ll save you (part 7)
We’re family (part 8)
We’re family B version
We’re family C version
Time for revenge (part 9)
Break point (part 10)
Family and Home (part 11)
Epilogue
Yuu-Mika Secret Ending NEW!!
Family Events:
Yuu-Mika D-rank
Yuu-Mika C-rank
Yuu-Mika A-rank
Yuu-Mika S-rank
Yuu-Kimizuki D-rank
Yuu-Kimizuki A-rank
Kimizuki-Yoichi D-rank
Shinoa-Mitsuba D-rank
Shinoa-Mitsuba C-rank
Yuu-Shinoa C-rank
Yuu-Shinoa A-rank
Yuu-Shinoa S-rank
Yuu-Yoichi C-rank
Yuu-Yoichi S-rank
Yoichi-Shinoa D-rank
Yoichi-Shinoa A-rank
Shinoa-Kimizuki D-rank
Shinoa-Kimizuki A-rank
Kimizuki-Mitsuba A-rank
Keep in mind I only do events that I find interesting and that’s why I have some videos of the main storyline (which is quite similar to the anime’s, by the way) and the reason you may not find all the family events available (or maybe I haven’t unlocked them yet >.<)
Any suggestions are welcome, I’ll try doing as many videos as possible but just remember I also have a real life(?) and sometimes I’m busy with other things. But I don’t bite, so welcome to OnS hell!
Octavia's character is actually so well written like
The first time we see her is her having a nightmare about not being able to find her dad in the palace no matter where she looked. Her fear is already clearly shown in her first appearance, and from then on every time we see her is her having that fear re-instilled
In loo loo land, Stolas is unable to understand how she is feeling, that she doesn't want to go to the circus with him (this is a trait Stolas has throughout the series where he cannot tell what other ppl feel, and viv has made posts hinting at this being an intentional character flaw). So not only is he dragging her somewhere she doesn't want to be but then makes it worse by inviting blitzø becuz he wants to spend time with him. We know Stolas could defend himself, it's clear he wants him there not as a body guard but becuz he genuinely wants him to be, ignoring how via may feel, ignoring why he was doing this to begin with. He just invited the guy he cheated on vias mother with to spend time with them while they went somewhere to try cheer her up, and via puts up with it the whole time.
And remember, she was awake when Stella was screaming abour Stolas cheating, she knows what's going on already. They didn't do anything to try and hide what happened from their daughter.
It's also implied that Stella has always yelled and been like this, since we see a picture of younger her in s2ep1. This is important to show how via has always been living in a dysfunctional household. Her mother reacts to issues by yelling and throwing things, potentially physical violence too, and Stolas has needed anti depressants since before he met blitzø again. While Via doesn't know about that, his depression is going to have affected the way he raised Via.
Both her parents are unable to cope with emotions in a healthy way and that will have caused her to struggle as well.
When she finally has enough during the ep and runs off, Stolas goes after her and talks to her but isn't able to tell her the real circumstances for the marriage, she doesn't know why her parents act the way they do, or why they don't love each other. she doesn't know why Stolas cheated with some other guy or why he invited him just to flirt with the whole time. She's scared her nightmare will come true, she always has been due to her unstable environment and now there is someone Stolas could leave with. That is terrifying for her, that is where she starts to hate blitzø.
And all Stolas can do is promise he won't, but he repeatedly fails to change his behaviour. It's shown in all episodes we see via play a large part in: Stolas does something wrong without thinking about via, ignoring her feelings, forgetting important dates, he apologizes but then goes on to do the same again and again.
That is not enough, that makes via lose trust in him, makes her wait for the next time he fucks up, for the next apology, for the cycle to continue. It is meaningless if he doesn't change.
But that's all Via has, Stella is shown to be mostly absent, not wanting anything to do with Via. If her dad leaves then she will have no one and she constantly feels like he could leave at any moment.
In loo loo land, he paid more attention to blitzø than her.
In seeing stars, when she saw him again after running away becuz of the divorce she was also now having to cope with (which she could easily blame on the cheating and blitzø), blitzø is there, and had been with Stolas the whole day
In sinsmas, blitzø is there when she went to find her dad, blitzø who was the reason this was happening to begin with in her mind, was the one Stolas was now spending all his time with
And let's talk about the divorce a bit more.
For 17 yrs she has had both parents present, even as toxic to each other as they are, Via had always lived with both of them. And now she won't. Now she has to get used to both of her parents separating, living away from each other, all the moving their stuff out, the arguments, procedures and the legal side.
Suddenly everything has changed, her fears are getting worse, nothing is stable in her life anymore. And at 17 too.
When a divorce happens when the child is young, they get used to it, their memories of it get vague over time, even if having seperate parents will always have its own issues, they get used to it and adapt better since young children are overall better at adapting to changes like this, they haven't developed their emotions properly yet and are unable to understand what's happening.
But she is 17, she has always had 2 parents, she isn't used to it, and by that age she is old enough to understand, to feel those emotions. She is dealing with a lot and her fathers continuous issues are getting to her.
And then mastermind happens
Stolas thinks he is going to die when he goes to save blitzø, when he claims to have committed crimes he never did.
Via watches him do this, she probably saw how they were about to sentence blitzø to death, and now her dad is taking the blame, believing he would die; she believes the same.
Her father, after promising he would never leave, after repeatedly messing up and leaving Via last, after prioritizing blitzø and getting carried away with him and focusing on him so much, after being unable to do anything but apologize only to do the same again until those apologies mean nothing.
He is going to permanently end his life, leave his daughter behind forever, for the guy Via was always scared of losing him to.
Her nightmare that she has always has is coming true.
Her dad is leaving her for someone else, we dont even see him think or speak about her while he is doing it, she doesn't cross his mind.
Her not being able to find him was her fear all throughout her life and she had told him multiple times, ask if he would, and he was still going to die for someone else.
And then he doesn't even remember to call her till the next day, and they can't even speak becuz Stella doesn't allow via contact with him.
She has to deal with not having her dad there, for a month. She is with Stella and Andy and unable to speak to her dad all month. He tries to call her but she can't answer and she feels more abandoned than ever. Her mother still seems uninterested in her. The only one who cared even a little bit about her is gone and she's all alone having to cope with how she feels, how much has happened.
She was right, after everything, after all her fears, after constantly feeling like he was close to leaving, the insecurity she dealt with her whole life became true and she was proven right. All her fathers promises mean nothing, they were empty and his actions never reflected what he said he would do.
She clearly misses him, but she expected this, she was just waiting for it to happen.
Then she finds the pills, realises how unhappy he was in the relationship and she goes to find him.
And when she confronts him, this is what she says.
"You lied to me, you said you would never leave me, you promised . . . It was your choice. You chose him . . . You don't love mother, you don't love me, you love him . . . So does that mean you just stayed miserable because of me? Was I some fucking obligation? Is that why you didn't even hesitate when you got a chance to leave?"
When Stolas asks to explain she just says she can't. This isn't her genuinely blaming him, she isn't mad at him really. She just can't handle that conversation. So much has been changing, her life's been more unstable than ever, she never had ppl in her life who could manage their own emotions and she is a teenager and struggling to manage her growing emotions already, and that lack of guidance only makes her ability to worse. She was never taught how, she cannot deal with how she is feeling and simply cannot stand to hear the explanation. Seeing Stolas is hard for her.
And what I think makes this scene even sadder is what Stolas says in s2ep1 to Stella:
"You and I were arranged for one reason, to birth a precautionary heir to the Goetia family . . . The only reason I have endured your constant insults and cruelty was for that girl to have a normal life . . . And the only thing the Goetia family wanted out of our marriage is already 17, so it's over, I'm done."
Via wasn't even wrong. Stolas said exactly what she is accusing him of, even if he didn't mean it like that, even if she didn't hear. Even if it was for him to explain to Stella why he was finally thru with it, why nothing she did could change his mind. He still said those things, he still left once he had a chance, he still chose blitzø.
He didn't leave Via once he got the chance, he left Stella, but in the end his actions still had an affect on Via, one that he once again failed to realise.
And Via doesn't have the full story either.
All she knows is her parents never loved each other and it always seemed like her dad would leave and she was always scared of that happening. Then suddenly he cheats and starts spending more time with the guy until he eventually almost dies for him without even thinking about her. And she finds out he needed pills, that he was miserable. And she's just so upset over it, so scared over the fact he almost did die, the fact everything she thought would happened did happen. She almost lost her dad and he didn't even say anything to her before going to get himself killed. He admits to being sad in the marriage, to Via being the only good thing, but Via's grown up in such a toxic environment, she misinterprets what he said, she feels like it's her fault he felt this way, and she doesn't even wait for any more apologies.
She's heard his all her life and they never meant anything, they were never a sign he would change, so why should she listen to another one while knowing it was just another lie?
