I wonder if living is even worth it. Like, I never wanted to live past 17, Hell I promised myself when I was like 5 that I’d kill myself surely before then or definitely At 17. But now I’m 19. I don’t even know if I want to be a doctor like I always used to say. I don’t even know if I’d want to be an artist. I still can’t imagine myself as an adult. I can’t picture myself older, I always thought I’d be dead by now. And now, I know no one will ever see me as who I want to be. No one will ever use the right pronouns, I’ll never be able to take hormones and I’ll never be able to get the surgeries to try and make myself less repulsive to me. So is it even worth it? There’s nothing I want in life. I don’t like life, 19 years and it’s all been trash. From abusive parents to mental health problems to being forced to go to college it’s just, I can never catch a fucking break with myself. I’m always thinking about suicide and I’m Always thinking about self harm. I’m just so tired and I don’t even want anything from life, I just want it to stop. To leave me out of it. Usually I reason with myself by saying shit about how my family or friends and how they would cope badly if I went but. But I have barely talked to anyone since my birthday in October. I’m so fucking lonely. I haven’t held any conversations that lasted. My boyfriend who I used to talk to daily has been ignoring me in favor of his new friends. He went to a different college and he’s in a dorm. He’s doing so much better now, and he’s ignoring me too. Literally it’s like the moment I’m removed from someone’s life their life improves. It’s a pattern across multiple people and I can’t help but feel like maybe everything would just be better for everyone if I just went and did It already. They wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore, and I wouldn’t have to be like me anymore, Win win situation.
I’m so tired and I can barely eat or sleep anymore and I’m supposed to have straight As and I’m supposed to be happy and quiet but speak at the right time and be less sarcastic and just stop being rude. I just don’t want to be me. I don’t think I ever wanted to be me.
I’m 21 and trying to be better. I’m always so harsh and caustic when it comes to myself, that I never forgive myself for things that, if anyone else had done them, I would have. I’m unfair to myself. I have friends now, a whole group of them. I hang out with my siblings alot more- I never finished college but I do have a job working for some family. I could afford to plan for a Disney trip in November coming up. I’m trying to make plans to keep myself here, because I need to have something to look forward to. I don’t think I’ll ever love myself the way I love other people, but I can at least surround myself with people that do. Plus I started going to therapy for my gender, which has helped. I’m gonna be changing my name first, then hopefully start hormones, something I never thought I’d even get the chance to do. A dream that gets closer and closer to becoming real. I wish I could hold every younger iteration of myself and tell them it’ll get better. It won’t be perfect, but it’ll be better.
I came out to my family. My immediate family, anyway, parents and siblings. My dad uses the right name and trips up on pronouns only sometimes. My siblings get it right to varying degrees. My mom calls me by the right name exaggeratedly. It’s better than nothing.
I broke up with that guy a while back. 2022 or something like that. It’s helped. I actually have a crush on one of my new friends at the moment and haven’t quiet worked up the courage to do anything about it but, it’s something at least.
My life isn’t over just because I’m older than I ever planned to be when I was younger. I still can’t really imagine myself older, but maybe I’ll get there one day. Either because I can imagine it or because I am older.
I'm 23 now. I did work up the courage to ask out my crush, and we're engaged now, and I couldn't be more in love. Just, having people who love me and want to be around me did a number on me. I know I'm loved, I know I'm accepted, I just had to meet the right people first. And it came naturally to me- Found my best friend and my fiance in a server for a game I played as a child. I joined that server because I think it was my last attempt at anything- I never really join servers, I have a hard time interacting with people, but I did it then, and I tried to be just a nice friendly guy, and it's changed my life for the better in every single way possible. I wish I could look at my younger versions and tell them it does get better, it gets to much better, and it's only going to keep getting better as long as I keep being here.