Ever Wanted To Read Someone’s Diary?

Assorted original poems. Click off if you’re triggered easily by sensitive dark topics and themes. This is a coping mechanism for me. Someday these will be published! If you liked something tell me :) Not looking for beta writers/critiques

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Compromise

I confess with parameters mounted up so high

Priced out of wishful free flowing

Hit on questions that hurt

Luckily, my nerves

All keep quiet and store the release

Pain for later, lonely dates

Confusing sobs will be wrenched from my body then

Set off by triggers I can’t explain

I wonder what you’re thinking

If only I could meet your face

My real story

Yet again, is going to have to wait

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Peering through

My unseeing freeze, interrupted disassociations

What? Right, that’s what I should be doing.

Make the gaps in memories smaller

Some active recall for purpose of pattern and growth recognition

Watch me as I fail like Sisyphus to change cognition

I have critical thought rocks slicked with oil

I can’t separate efforts out

From my perception of myself

See this crooked view

Am I a terminally heavy person

Surf through the years for moments

Tracing cracks in my reopening wounds

Tilt my head and catch an angle

Someone hit me hard enough there once

It made thousands of hours wilt, wall off in waste

I grab rocks to gather them up

Pushing the difficulties down with all else I swallow

Pending, is the queue of needs festering

Windows only close with intention

It’s okay if first some rain was let in

I search for a god to signal confirmation

There is only the searing sound of silence

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Daily, as never needed

Come get your dose of sharp shards doled out

Stick out your tongue and keep stiff

Prevent the flinch as the rattle sounds

Ask, paranoid of what comes next

Should, should, should

Prescribed shame still fits

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Molasses

I rush to everywhere

Hopping, shoving a foot haphazardly into a shoe

Smacking snooze on the last alarm clock blaring

I scramble and shake out my keys

Scanned the room and forgot my lunch this morning

Only for you do I treat time with measured savoring

Melt into the crook of your neck and mutter sweet nothings with soft reverence

Skip out to see you, but never choke on panic as I run to let you in

Funny how the moment lingers, when I actually love being in it

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Clean laundry

As I go to pull the curtain back

The drape drops with all poised framing

Can you see me standing there

Frozen with fear at the honest sight

All veiling ripped away

Still waiting for you to turn and walk

Watching for the moment the window

Closes up

Like my throat will be tight

When I confess

All the secret baggage

The weight in this

Asking you a lot

Wishing willingness was enough

To absolve of burdens sunk

On dark ground

It’s so heavy

You tell me calmly,

It’s just cloth.

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Not a game

Persistence, steadfast and violent

Go limp, desperate kicking scratching resistance failed times countless

I leave claw marks in age spotted flesh

Scars I am still scolded for digging

In stories at the holiday dinner table

We share the memory inside me

You unthinkingly assume I forgot

Your quick and below hell’s belt clutching

Obvious what you were touching

This very day I’m told,

I played with a grown man

Much too roughly

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Somatic smoke

“Listen to your body”,

I pay for the reminder

What vessel I’m in

The one I float out of

What gets me pulled down is painful

Why won’t the body let my mind ignore it

Years I thought everyone got paralyzing aches through skull, stomachs

Now it worsens and confines me into bed

Shooting, arching, flinching away in it

Brain fog so bad I can’t write or speak

Strokes would go unnoticed in the brutal pattern

Powerful signals of silent suffering

Repress, regret, repeat

As I twitch and my mind relives

Ask myself, if I finally talked

Could I expel, exorcise into normalcy

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Linguistic Powers

Phantom nettles

Skin prick slope

Cracks in adult mind armor

With one message by him

Back in that zone of the gluttton mouth

Inducing shudders beyond prayer reach

Off of me, you glean

Your daily dose of child’s blood

I look around for a hand to sanitize me

Waved some magic

Thanks for the vast canvas vacancy

Staring into my own eyes

His over-excused glances

Aren’t we normalizing harm

My existence is defiance

The group chat teases

Calls it disturbing

He taunts in plain sight

They want to joke, unknowing

I was once a crime

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Menagerie of mirror

Loving you is an echo

A grouping of all my favorite things

Gather them together, let me look through glass exhibits and polite fences

Through halls of reflections, yet calmer than my usual circus

Here I have a guide to all intimidating trials

I don’t flinch as hands outstretch

Closed mouths can be fed if you wait a while

I swing back and forth

Seek to touch according to signs posted

You take us through the way to see past rules that keep me guarded

For two people who can’t let go

The doors to get through aren’t so difficult a task, merely lazy exploration

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Kiddie pool

Standing in chemical cloudy water

Wading thick motions

I stare up through my lashes

Stray droplets cling

Salt of bitter origin mixing

Have I swallowed chlorine

My stomach, it’s burning

Please make it go away

Arms are outreached

A frown

You have to learn how

No one can help you

Lungs now are filling

Artificial light blinds, tunnel like

Yeah, we’re not sure how she kept drowning

Water rose to less than four feet

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Scapegoat Roulette

No incident goes without explosion, the smallest object out of place must have a reset in pointed fingers.

Throw me under the bus because I stand near, I see the glee as I am panicking.

The worst part is what comes next, what will the consequences be.

You cannot slip, trip over a rule ..

See, you are trapped.

You’re going to get what you deserve for this.

Are you nothing, are you small, are you merely not smart at all?

You will hear whatever is decided without giving the wrong reaction.

There is no moment where you’re safe

from the sudden—

shift. Becoming all of what

You try to avoid.

Be subservient, be rebellious, neither futile effort make a dent in the end.

Have you yet figured out your role in the game?

Repeat after me.

You. Have. Only. Yourself. to blame.

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Solution

Buy cinching for

Problematic organs

Tight fit

You’d better hope

Not one bit spills

Out of it

Suggestions crept

Into personalized ads

Inject syringe

Scan QR for our sale

The second you pause

Plastic bulging montage

Over done faces

Don’t you want your quick fix

Buy this beauty secret!

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Distantly Felt

I still care about these things

Yes, but what you’ve mentioned

Is one far away

Awaiting me in its queue

Ready to slam into my chest

The second it gets through

Hit walls that refuse to buckle

Devastating blows so I know

There is no breaking I can do

Without me upholding arms length

Won’t I explode ?

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Yew Blooms By Medusa

I plan a tattoo with poison defenses

Around the projection of a woman

Who was a girl before it

I want her spirit to help carry me

Through the admission and reaction

Which surely matches her own

When I thought I would never speak

I would weep wishing I were

The kind of person capable

To plant a silent trap

Greedy large hands encircling

Launched in the mouth of evil

One last taste of what it feeds on

What keeps it alive being swapped out

For substances lethal, fractions less painful

Than what it stole from me

What horror it turned me into

Now I carve her spirit in with poison yew berries

Knowing you will never grasp or taste my flesh

Now that it rotted past

Your vile expiration date of interest

If gods exist, perhaps their plan is more merciful

Than Medusa’s, though I wish she had her chance

Through my eyes to reveal

The damning lust in yours

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Recollection

When you stop lying to yourself, next, you’ll rewrite times you didn’t realize you were doing it.

Sat in the grass, school field trip.

Too much sugar, stomach sick.

My friends and I have bought matching mood rings

Little butterflies with stretched wings

Purple blue only for me, trying to prove its hoax

I choke anger back, I turn on the faces twisted in concern

I protest and hide it away

I can’t be sad

Look at me, it’s just that I’m in the shade

Everyone believed me after enough time

I still remember trying, rubbing the metal to shine a better color

The sun doesn’t warm it, just mine alone in this melancholy moment

A truth that escaped even when I refused to let it

How can you tell what you feel

If it’s bad all the time

Over ten years later ?

When you know what it’s supposed to be like ?

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Cause and Effect

I ask myself through sobs that nearly make me sick, why I feel so poorly.

Why, why, why

I pay thousands of dollars to ask someone else. Really, I just hate the answer.

There is the answer for everything, why my body is the subject of my vitriolic self hatred, why I feel such pains, why I can’t sleep, the hyper vigilance and panic attacks I feel but which are tragically silent.

I know. I just don’t want to let it be real, don’t know what to do when caught in the memory reels. Reeling from discomfort in the middle of my performing of my great work, the “I’m fine” survival act.

[vomitingmynotesapppoetry]

Sleep paralysis

If you were wondering what it feels like on the other side of happiness, just picture yourself waking up and squeezing your eyes shut.

Mumbling in your head and out loud, pleading with god who may or may not be listening.

First morning light, I’m thinking, let it have all been a bad dream.

Let me go back to when I could have never imagined being here.

As your eyes open, you see the telltale signs of yesterday.

Proof collides against hope and I’m crushed before my feet are on the floor yet.

Each of these days, it is the very same only a little less hopeful for a return to the way it was.

Making it out is more about learning to live with the feeling instead of ever thinking of getting over any of them.