sour grapes. | fengqing drabbles
푸릇 쌉싼름해 (it’s green and bitter) i don’t want to taste
뭐 그리 달콤하진 않을 것 같아 (i don’t think it’ll be that sweet)
설익은 감정들이 (half-ripe emotions) i just feel afraid
i’ll never bite, i’ll never bite the pain.
(lyrics: sour grapes by le sserafim)
feng xin’s aversion to women had always been a joke between the three of them, something to poke fun and jest about. but for mu qing, it stirred a small spark of hope—that perhaps it wasn’t due to fear for the fairer sex, instead because of a preference for the other. so when he discovers feng xin’s meetings with jian lan, it makes it all the more devastating to see him laughing and smiling. and mu qing can see it in the way his eyes crinkle and cheeks flush that it wasn’t just out of mere courtesy or sympathy shared between fellow xianle survivors, feng xin genuinely enjoyed her company.
mu qing thinks himself to be a fool for naively hoping otherwise, betrayal twisting in his guts despite knowing that there was no lie told, no sacred bond broken. it was his own imagination that had conjured a false illusion made from mu qing’s deep insecurities and want for affection. his desperate need for it.
there’s a sick twisting in his stomach that tightens every time her hand brushes away feng xin’s hair, fingers grazing his temple—enough to leave lingering intent like a kiss yet just faint enough to dissipate like a dream, it is a delicate dance deliberately designed to appear as a mere accident. mu qing knows that it’s not. because how dare she touch him so casually like that? as though she were the closest person in his life, like they were promised lovers since their youth. there’s tension building in the veins of mu qing’s arms, frustration bleeding from nails digging into his palms, anger biting down on his lip. but he is too prideful to ever admit to anything, yet all the more afraid to see what is right in front of him.
mu qing is a skilled warrior, his nerves steeled and mind ever quick when it comes to fighting. but here and now, his instincts tell him to run and flee, a hammering so loud it reminds him of war drums.
because what can he do but run away from reality even though he knows it makes him a coward. how ironic that he has always chastised xie lian for being naive and yet he is now doing the very same thing.
perhaps it is not love itself that is blind but rather our own hands that choose to cover our eyes from the truth so that we may continue to love despite any and all rational reason. because what is living without love? i would sooner cut my eyes out to follow and love you blindly than face a reality that would turn my love into hate.
so he runs, he keeps running. away from feng xin, away from everything that he is not, in vain hopes of running away from his own feelings.
still, mu qing can’t help but wonder,
would he love me if i was a girl?
yet as soon as the thought crosses his mind, he immediately dismisses it,
no, even if i were the prettiest woman, he still wouldn’t notice me.
it doesn’t matter because he is feng xin, the loyal and upright general of xianle’s crown prince, and mu qing is a stray who was (un)lucky enough to be noticed. the only reason feng xin even tolerates or acknowledges him is because of xie lian. why would he ever care about mu qing outside of niceties and formalities? he’s never realized mu qing tailing him for years, why would he realize now?
it’s funny how the human mind can be so perceiving and altogether deceiving at the same time. it sees all that it believes to be true, yet dismisses any possibilities it deems unlikely. how fickle the human mind is,
if only mu qing had noticed, the way feng xin’s gaze lingers in every corner, trying to trace the outlines of a shadow.
mu qing is a skilled warrior indeed, but he forgets that feng xin has spent the better half of his life next to him. how could he not recognize the faint smell of fresh linen and rain that seemed to follow him around everywhere? it is unfortunate that familiarity blurs lines that neither have come to the realization that the lines have been crossed a long, long time ago.
these feelings that have yet to ripen,
only time will tell if this love is sweet or sour.
