Here I am trying to figure out Tumblr again, and then I get the fun realization that I had no idea what the hell I was doing the last time either, which is why I gave up. So to give you all a heads up, if you see me mysteriously stalking your page all of the sudden, I promise I'm mostly harmless.
Yakuza/Like a Dragon, Fallout, and Warhammer 30/40K are my jams. I'm a lore nut, but I don't care if anybody holds to it or not, Lord knows I don't when it's inconvenient.
I know this isn't everybody's jam, but I personally ship Primarch x Primarch, as well as Primarch x Astartes, so if you're not a fan, when I start actually putting stories down, I'll make sure to tag them as best I can.
And it doesn’t help when you have an old copy of a book, and don’t realize that the reprint got edited and altered in some new way so now you HAVE to reread it to actually be at least somewhat accurate with the lore.
just skip straight to the end and the death. surely you will not regret having your first warhammer novel be the end and the death. kind friend the end and the death wants to tell you a story about love and tragedy and the collapse of empires. no need to understand greater plot ramifications only malcador and the emperor tragic doomed love. read the rest later
Malcador ascending those stairs definitely made me teary eyed. And I will join you in crying over it all going so wrong so badly, and it all being so unreasonably unfair.
But I screwed up in reading Warhammer because I first read The Infinite and the Divine. I had no idea of what I was getting my dumb ass into, and the whiplash was so real when I started reading Dead Men Walking because I wanted to read more about Necrons!
And it doesn’t help when you have an old copy of a book, and don’t realize that the reprint got edited and altered in some new way so now you HAVE to reread it to actually be at least somewhat accurate with the lore.
Please please please let him win. Let at least one election, even though it doesn't affect me in the slightest, restore just a tiny bit of my faith in humanity.
imagine this if you will, your the most unfortunate serf in the world and you just tripped into the bathing pool of calgar and guilliman and now you’re squished between the two hottest men in the galaxy (and their fat tits) (excuse my vulgarity, i am inspired)
The bathhouse floor is unfortunately slippery even the most dexterous of serfs would have difficulties let alone you! Thank goodness your Lords were there to catch you or else you may have drowned in the water.
Perturabo trapped in fast food hell while dealing with the masses and not being able to kill them, or his manager? Ouuuuuuuch.
Especially since you know he’s the one who gets called in all the time when someone else calls out because he’s compelled to come in to show he’s better than the lazy slackers he works with. And we all know what happens to the ‘reliable’ one.
writing is like trying to pull a single beautiful fine silk thread out of my brain but it was stored improperly and now there’s a bunch of tangles in it and i have to. untangle those periodically. and im arranging the thread into the shape of a penis
I swear to god 90% of Warhammer fanfiction on Ao3 falls into three categories
1. "Mackenzie, an unremarkable barista from Des Moines, finds herself in an unusual predictament: she's awoken in the midst of the Horus Heresy?? And now Sanguinius is in love with her?? Can Mackenzie save the galaxy...and heal the heart of the ninth Primarch??"
Not going to lie, this is when self hosting a translation abominable intelligence has saved me. Because damned if I’m going to miss out on some good ass horny posting because of a language barrier!
He walks into a legion of perfect hair and polished armor, the marines try to explain artistry, perfection and the value of beauty but all the Lion hears is noise. He makes them train in absolute silence in a forest with no mirrors, music nor silk banners. The Emperor’s Children are traumatized, one of them asks if they can at least harmonize while dueling and the Lion stares at him until it becomes uncomfortable. Fulgrim gets them back at the end of the day and finds his legion standing in perfect ranks, emotionally hollow, with excellent sword discipline and no joy left in their eyes.
Fulgrim gets the Iron Warriors
He arrives, sees the grey armor, grey walls and the grey siege plans and almost dies on the spot. For him this isn't a legion but a cry for help. The Iron Warriors dislike him but Fulgrim doesn’t care, he redesignes their banners, orders the walls to be painted and tells three captains that their siege trench placement is technically competent but spiritually hideous. An Iron Warrior asks if that will improve the artillery and Fulgrim replies that it will improve them. Perturabo returns to find his legion fortress decorated with statues and immediately starts calculating whether fratricide counts as a strategic loss.
Perturabo gets the White Scars
He is handed a legion of fast moving hit and run cavalry warriors who refuse to sit still long enough for a proper siege briefing and he hates it. Perturabo tries to explain that every campaign should begin with a detailed logistics model and a fortified staging zone and a White Scar captain asks what if they simply go around the fortress? Another asks what if they go around it very fast? Perturabo invents six new kinds of contempt in the span of one afternoon. Half the legion ignores his orders and wins the battle anyway which makes him even more furious. Jaghatai returns and finds Perturabo sitting alone beside a massive tactical map, muttering that they have no discipline, no structure and yet…
Jaghatai gets the Imperial Fists
Jaghatai meets the Imperial Fists, the Imperial Fists meet Jaghatai and immediately begin constructing a defensive position. He tells them that they are attacking before fortification and the Imperial Fists look physically ill. He gets them on bikes. They don’t enjoy it at first because they are too upright and worried about whether the bikes are properly load bearing until one of them discovers the spiritual experience of hitting a bunker at full speed and surviving.
Leman Russ gets the Ultramarines
Russ arrives and immediately senses danger from paperwork. The Ultramarines have schedules for their schedules, binders and compliance officers, one of them arrives with an agenda and Russ immediately eats it. The legion is forced into a morale hunt which involve drinking, shouting and solving tactical problems by throwing someone through a wall. They are horrified until unfortunately some of them begin enjoying it, one captain even submits a report titled On the Potential Strategic Benefits of Controlled Barbarism. Guilliman returns and finds his legion slightly drunk, covered in mud and somehow ahead of schedule.
Rogal Dorn gets the Night Lords
Dorn takes command of the Night Lords and immediately realizes this may be the emperor’s punishment for something. The marines are whispering murder threats and decorating hallways with things Dorn refuses to identify, he stands beneath a chain of flayed skins, looks at a nearby marine and tells him to remove it, the marine replies it’s load bearing. He begins writing corrective doctrines, when Curze returns he finds the Night Lords standing straighter, their equipment cleaner and their patrol routes tighter, they are worse in the way a knife becomes worse when sharpened properly. Dorn realizes he has accidentally professionalized the nightmare.
Konrad Curze gets the Salamanders
The Salamanders are kind and patient, they call civilians ‘the people’ and ask Curze if he has eaten. They try to include him in an humanitarian evacuation and Curze keeps trying to turn it into psychological warfare. A Salamander gently says that perhaps the children don’t need to see the enemies’ corpses arranged like a warning mural. The Salamanders get him to help rescue civilians but he does it in the most terrifying way possible, a child says thank you and Curze stares at them like they have stabbed him. Vulkan returns and finds him crouched and wrapped in a donated emergency blanket, furious that kindness has happened near him.
Sanguinius gets the World Eaters
Sanguinius arrives and the World Eaters immediately become confused because they want to be angry but the angel is looking at them with profound sorrow. They expect orders to charge but Sanguinius instead asks them to tell him where it hurts. The legion becomes violently uncomfortable, one marine whispers “everywhere” and Sanguinius replies he knows, that’s somehow worse than being yelled at. He does send them into battle but with actual formation discipline, measured fury and medicae support ready behind the line. They hate how effective it is and that he thanks them afterward. Angron returns and finds his legion quieter than usual.
Ferrus Manus gets the Thousand Sons
Ferrus is dropped into a legion of scholarly psychic wizards who want to debate metaphysics before breakfast, that lasts nine minutes. One marine begins explaining the subtle distinction between the immaterial resonance of thought and the structured application of warp touched will and Ferrus asks if it can punch armor. He makes them spend the day proving psychic theories through practical battlefield application. No more hours long philosophical preambles and just … can it break a tank? Can it hold a bridge? Can it kill that thing before it kills us? Magnus returns and finds his sons exhausted, humbled and disturbingly good at direct problem solving.
Angron gets the Blood Angels
The Blood Angels are noble, graceful and constantly standing at the edge of something terrible inside themselves, Angron recognizes that rage instantly and tells them to stop pretending they aren’t angry. For one day their training becomes brutal, honest and terrifying, Angron understands the beast and doesn’t make it pretty, he teaches them to survive the rage by admitting it exists. Sanguinius returns and finds his sons shaken but strangely steadier.
Roboute Guilliman gets the Space Wolves
He arrives with an open mind but it closes within fifteen minutes. Guilliman attempts to implement a clean command structure and the Wolves respond by giving him a nickname, he doesn’t ask what it means but he suspects it’s rude. He makes them file reports, when he reviews it he finds out they contain drawings of wolves eating bureaucrats. Guilliman somehow optimizes their supply lines while being challenged to three duels and one drinking contest. When Russ returns Guilliman tells him that they bit him and Russ explains that it means they like him.
Mortarion gets the Raven Guard
He takes one look at the Raven Guard disappearing into the shadows and calls it cowardice. The Raven Guard take one look at Mortarion walking directly through poison, gunfire, artillery and common sense and call it ‘subtle.’ Neither side approves. Mortarion wants endurance and attrition, the legion wants silence, precision and leaving before anyone knows they were there. He tries to make them hold ground and they keep vanishing, he gives them a direct assault order and they complete it by assassinating the entire command staff and never assaulting anything. Mortarion is furious because technically the objective was achieved. Corax returns to find him standing in an empty battlefield, surrounded by dead enemy officers and no visible marine around.
Magnus gets the Iron Hands
Magnus arrives among the Iron Hands and immediately begins talking about the soul and the legion immediately begins wishing they had less soul. He gives a beautiful speech and the Iron Hands listen in absolute silence, he thinks they are absorbing wisdom until one of them raises a mechanical hand and asks if the soul can be reinforced with adamantium and if weakness can be isolated from the soul and surgically removed. Magnus spends the next hour trying to explain a metaphor and quickly realizes with horror that the Iron Hands don’t reject philosophy, they simply treat it as an engineering problem. He instructs a squad to trust their instincts and they replace three instincts with predictive targeting arrays, he tells another squad to listen to their inner voice and they request permission to install an external speaker. Ferrus returns and finds Magnus is standing in the middle of the strategium surrounded by marines debating whether enlightenment should be bolted directly to the spine.
Horus gets the Dark Angels
He walks into the legion expecting proud knights and ancient traditions but instead he finds seven locked doors, twelve silent officers and a briefing document with half the words redacted. Horus smiles politely and explains that his sons usually just tell him things, the Dark Angels stare at him like he has suggested eating soup with a chainsword. He tries charm, authority, brotherly warmth, tactical genius and just straight up asking nicely but nothing works. Every time he asked about the mission he was told it was simply proceeding. Horus, who is used to being the galaxy’s favorite son, discovers the Dark Angels are completely immune to charisma because they have replaced social skills with sealed archives and emotional masonry. The Lion returns at the end of the day and finds him sitting very still in a command chair, smiling too hard.
Lorgar gets the Luna Wolves
He is handed a legion of confident and practical charismatic warriors who are used to Horus giving inspirational speeches that end with immediate victory. Lorgar gives them a sermon and they wait politely for the tactical part but the sermon continues… they begin to panic quietly. One marine asks when do they attack and Lorgar replies “when you understand why.” At the end of the day half the legion has been emotionally moved, a quarter has started a discussion circle and the remaining quarter is begging for Horus to come back. Horus returns and finds his sons strangely introspective. One marine asks him what is conquest without meaning and Horus slowly realizes he is going to have to undo all of this.
Vulkan gets the Death Guard
Vulkan arrives among the Death Guard and decides immediately that these men need a warm meal, the legion is confused and suspicious. He inspects their equipment and their living conditions and immediately starts fixing things, they don’t know how to react to a primarch who can endure suffering but doesn’t consider it a personality trait. A veteran explains that they are meant to endure hardship and Vulkan replies that yes, endure it but not worship it. This sentence causes psychic damage to Mortarion several systems away. Mortarion returns and finds his legion healthier, better supplied and deeply uncomfortable about having been cared for.
Corvus Corax gets the Alpha Legion
Corax arrives and immediately realizes something is wrong not because they are sneaky, he expected that but because they are being sneaky at him. He has never been in a room with so many men who treat basic communication like a murder mystery dinner. He attempts to run a covert operation and the legion responds by creating six false covert operations around the real covert operation then forgetting to tell Corax which one is real because of ‘operational integrity’. Corax asks if they understand that secrecy is meant to serve the mission and one legionnaire replies that it’s exactly what they wanted him to think.
Alpharius Omegon get the Word Bearers
The Word Bearers are thrilled because they have been given a primarch who understands hidden meaning and layered truth… Actually they have been given two primarchs. The first one arrives in the chapel, the second one is already sitting in the chapel, a marine looks between them, eyes shining with spiritual terror and asks if that’s a test. One replies yes, the other replies no and the entire legion gasps. Within ten minutes there are already three interpretive schools. One believes Alpharius represents the revealed truth and Omegon the hidden truth, one believes Omegon represents the revealed truth and Alpharius the hidden truth and the last believes there was only ever one primarch and the second is a metaphor for obedience. The twins do absolutely nothing to clarify this. One marine attempts to begin a sermon and Alpharius interrupts saying it’s too direct and that a truth spoken plainly is vulnerable to enemy interpretation. By afternoon every sermon has become encrypted and every hymn contains a false verse designed to mislead infiltrators. Lorgar returns, he sees a marine crying with joy because he has just received a command he can’t understand from a primarch who may not have been there and he feels genuine horror and awe because now the legion is worse in a way he respects.
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