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@wastedadventures-blog
6:23 PM
it has taken me 22 years to try and love myself
22 years of unlearning self-destructive shit
22 years of “i deserve more, i deserve to be happy”
22 years, but i’m still not quite there yet.
one day, i hope.
one morning i will wake up and feel beautiful
i’ll treat myself kindly that day
have breakfast in bed while my favorite records play
lay with myself and find i am my best friend.
remind myself that i am enough.
more than enough - i am magic.
every inch of me.
one day.
1:42 PM
when i was little my parents would tell me not to talk to strangers
sometimes they’d tell me not to talk at all
i’d sit there quietly until it was appropriate for me to make a sound
they told me never to tell a lie
but the first time papa hit me was because i told the truth
mama did not defend me
i learned then that the truth isn’t always welcome
when it was over he gave me a kiss and told me “te quiero”
i learned that those who love you will hurt you.
my mama told me not to have sex with boys
before i even knew what sex was
when the time came though, i didn’t know how to say “no”
i didn’t have sex for a long time after.
my papa told me not to fall into bad habits
but when my close friend handed me whiskey i fell in love
that was the first time i had ever known what freedom tasted like.
all of the life lessons i would ever get happened before i was 15
or so i thought
because despite everything
no one told me anything to prepare me for you.
i’ve spend so long being quiet, waiting until it was appropriate
i think it might be appropriate now
to ask:
are you a bad habit?
and if not, why is it so much easier to say “no” to you?
are you my truth or just another safe lie?
will you hurt me, like the ones i loved before you?
2:24 AM
i don’t know if I miss you, or the familiarity
and i didn’t love you so much as i loved the way you loved me.
if i could go back, i still wouldn’t want to stay
but i can’t help but think of you on days when my heart is broken
because i know that you would’ve been kinder to me.
still i choose heart ache over the mundane life that surely would have awaited me by your side.
a life already lived.
is being bored really all that bad?
1:44 AM
“you look more like your mother everyday”
and i wonder what that means
a lo mejor son las canas,
the grey hairs from working all day
and tired eyes from sleepless nights
staying up worrying about those who do not worry about me
or is it the way my arms are always reaching?
maybe it’s our callused hands from holding onto hope
the way i walk with an uncertainty,
as if it any moment the world could crumble below my feet
because this wouldn’t be the first time
because this happens all too often
I've never believed anyone who said they loved me. That doesn't mean I haven't loved, I just learned to do so without expecting anything in return.
Wasted Adventures
11:59
In the past I have stayed in relationships far too long in part because I didn’t want to be alone, in part because I thought things would change. Now I’m thinking of jumping ship at the first signs of trouble. I just don’t want to wait until it’s too late, I don’t want the bad times to outnumber the good. I want to love him until my dying breath.
Goodbye. Every inch of that word sinks into the crevices of my soul. I never knew how to say goodbye to the things, the people which truly deserved it but I can muster up the strength to say it to you. I think this is because I would rather be the one saying it and although the words don’t come from your lips, you’re the one that truly means it.
Whenever somebody walks out of my life they tell me that it is for my own good, but if this is true then why am I never the one leaving?
Wasted Adventures
I am madly in love with him and it scares the shit out of me.
Wasted Adventures
I'd rather be alone than live in your silence.
Wasted Adventures
I am afraid of being in love because the last man that held my heart became too comfortable in my arms and thought I'd never let go. I eventually did, not because I did not love but because I loved myself more. So when you came along I vowed to keep you at arm's length, not because I was not falling in love with you, but because I did not want you to get too comfortable with the idea of having me. I will leave without a warning if I am not happy and it will hurt me as much as it hurts you, but I refuse to have a mediocre love. If you wish to keep me I demand excitement, adventure, and passion. I will not settle for anything less.
Wasted Adventures
I wanted to see you, even if you were contagious. I just wanted to breathe in the same air as you…and if that air happened to be infected well I wanted to be infested too. I wanted you to forget where I ended and you began. I wanted you to remember that you cared for me once. Or so I wanted to believe you did.
Wasted Adventures
I could have kept loving you, if only I had not started to love myself
Wasted Adventures
I feel lonely, empty, shallow...but you. You feel fine, and that should tell me enough about the difference between you and I to know this isn’t going to last.
Wasted Adventures
The Truth
I could tell you we didn’t work out because you weren’t enough (which you weren’t) but the root of the problem was that I wasn’t enough, not yet anyways. I don’t mean this to sound like the usual “it’s not you, it’s me” bit, because you could have done more. You could have pushed me to be my best, you could have inspired me to want more out of life, you could have wanted more out of life for yourself. But no, we were content in our complacency…until we weren’t. Or I wasn’t. I want to move mountains with my tongue, be a strong force of nature, but all you wanted was for me to be your wife. I’m far too important to be Mrs. anything.
-Wasted Adventures
Elefante
I am in love with someone, but I don’t find myself obsessing over a future with them. Tomorrow they could disappear forever, and I would hope they were well wherever they might be. But I have been taught love is jealous, clingy, and co-dependent. Now I wonder if I am not in love, or more in love than anyone has ever been. I’m just happy he’s here right now, I can’t think of anything past this moment.
-Wasted Adventures
