🦷👁🦷👁🦷👁🦷

🌵 they/xe late20s 🌵 i don't trigger tag 🔞 bg by me

[wolfliet]

can’t spell erotic without rot #myrot

[identitty-dickruption]

the thing is. knowing someone experiences hallucinations or trouble reading facial expressions or communication difficulties or any other symptom CAN help you to understand their behaviour and respond to it appropriately. but knowing someones diagnosis is never as helpful as it is to listen to them when they talk about how they can best be accommodated. and if “can you please speak slower” (for example) sounds like a ridiculous request from someone without a diagnosis and a reasonable one from someone with a diagnosis. well you’re the dick in that situation

[androdragynous]

fuck it I will make this my Disability Pride Month Request: if you are able-bodied, or just unfamiliar, look up the prices of things. Look up what life-sustaining medication costs, look up what good manual¹ and any power wheelchairs cost, look up what corrective surgery and accessible vehicles and home meal delivery services and service dog training and special dietary restriction food costs. and look up how much money is available for people who can't work.

how many months of government support does it take to afford something like a power wheelchair if you're someone who needs one to get out of bed? how much expense is incurred while saving up for that, making sure you still get food, cleaning, other appointments while you're saving up? is it enough to pay rent? is it enough to still have nice meals, streaming subscriptions, a new video game? is it enough to help family or friends cover emergencies? are there resources available to help with dating, girl's nights, family events if you can't do it all yourself? how in demand are those services, how far in advance do they have to be reserved, how much do they cost?

I've had a few posts about disability get relatively well-shared at this point, and there's always an element of surprise in it - like, what do you mean there's subscriptions, what do you mean it's that expensive, isn't there something else? - and while I understand why, it would really mean a lot if people who don't know about this stuff took the initiative to find out just how bad some of this shit is on their own time

¹ and not just the folding ones on Amazon, which are still expensive, but which I can say from experience are also really uncomfortable and not suited for full time use

[watcher-evervigilant]

Will say tho. Im SO MAD bc my whole life ive had one specific leatherworker in mind for my pieces and I just found out she retired. I have some pieces from her, mainly belts, bags, a small selection of kink wear (her handcuffs are the best and no one has ever come close for me), and like ive spent my childhood dreaming abt buying one of her corsets

[watcher-evervigilant]

W the knee brace always sliding down or being painfully tight and realizing why the space i had the least body problems was at my old job (where I wore immense amount of fabrics + leather + bodices and corsets), im like this close to reworking my clothes to be leather, corsets, and harnesses based. Which IS what kid me always wanted but now its like feeling medically necessary. The hoodies and jeans thing isnt v gender for me anymore anyways

[oneheadtoanother]

[watcher-evervigilant]

I hate that bc of all the shit going on and i almost exclusively have very realistic dreams ive been unable to tell if im awake or asleep bc all my dreams lately are just a continuation of what im doing during the day, its all medical admin tasks. On some level it helps that I can lucid dream and use it to problem solve shit but come on im exhausted lemme have some normal rest for a bit. Im not even able to relax when im awake, like i go sit outside and the brain is just constantly chugging along at trying to keep track of, prepare for, and do all the shit I need to do. But to sleep and be working on my spreadsheets only to wake up and realize all those hours of work I thought I was doing werent real is pissing me off.

I get very locked into modes and I have to do a lot of shit to manually switch those gears in my head and it is Not easy and it pisses me off when ppl say I dont let shit go. Im trying! Im actively trying! I do not have control over my thoughts that way, im audhd and traumatized, like im not choosing to do this, its a warped attempt by a v scattered brain to try to hold reality together w spit. Im like a little spider whos web keeps getting damaged and destroyed, I dont have a normal working memory. If I stop looking at xyz piece, it disappears, either various pieces or the whole is just gone, and I have to hope i find the frayed edge dangling in the wind so i can put it back together. Ppl have no idea how much my irl "functionality" is 300 compensation techniques in a trenchcoat. Yeah I show up but everything else is in shambles to show up for 1 category of tasks

I know some of this dreaming is an overactive response trying to make sure everything gets done and nothing gets lost but god its frustrating

[watcher-evervigilant]

Also the knee brace is life-changing like pain is fucking GONE when I wear it and im finding the leg overall just Works Better even when its off for a little bit. I am having huge issues w the balance tho bc it doesnt feel that heavy as an Object in my hands but on my leg it is significant. I mean shit even the chunk of my skull the infection ate (which amounted to an over 2cm x 1cm wide hole, depth unknown off the top of my head rn) was enough to throw off my balance (and post-op then having the donor site lacking that weight and the repair space gaining that weight + incorrect meds definitely fucked w my balance the other way) and my balance has always been iffy for numerous reasons. So yknow a giant metal brace taking up 2/3 of my short ass leg is more than enough to disorient me.

[librarycards]

people on here who have been on 10-15+ years like myself...i don't know how they claim that there were never any Black bloggers on here, or that it was always such a white website. trudy gradientlair was on here. thisiswhiteprivilege was on here. there was a feminist citation project sara ahmed was involved in on here. there was someone on here whose username was wretchedoftheearth and that was how i learned who fanon was when i was 12, by googling those words. tumblr was the only place i knew i could go to get accurate & compassionate info about what happened to trayvon martin, when everyone around me irl was rabidly racist. the amount of reportage and scholarship that happened on here before the first big wave of bans was so huge and so much has been lost. where were you when it was happening??? why weren't you paying attention??

[dumbtrannybitch]

it's cause they never engaged with non white bloggers so they never noticed them disappearing. they got the tumblr they wanted, and those of us who aren't liberal/conservative fandom bloggers were robbed of our black and brown friends, and worst of all black and brown bloggers were robbed of a dpace that once was a legitimate vector for talking about black issues. at least some members of staff know what they are doing, it's like the war on drugs in this website the way they crush black people on this website.

[nyokoko]

I literally published an essay several years ago about how a lot of people stole the intellectual work that Black feminist bloggers on here published regularly to build this website and its reputation as we know it. White people love them some revisionist history.

The reason Tumblr became the bastion of intellectual discourse that it was known for--the reason the term "social justice warrior" even EXISTS as a derogatory descriptor--is because of the work of the Black bloggers who migrated to this site from 2009-2014 from LJ and Jezebel's forums. Myself included.

[dykecinema]

Me: okay I am done talking about this thing that's upsetting me. Bye.

*literally two seconds later*: AND ANOTHER THING

[prokopetz]

Tumblr isn't any less aggravating a site to discuss trends in popular fiction on, but it's often aggravating in a different way. On most platforms it's a struggle to find people who are aware of any authors outside the very biggest names currently in publication, while on Tumblr half the responses are from people who have extensive knowledge of the classics but have evidently never read any fiction published this century.

[watcher-evervigilant]

Whatever at least my partner decided to have us play stellaris

[watcher-evervigilant]

Apparently ive hit the stress point where I am now crying every day and am now experiencing a new type of migraine i didnt previously deal with

[strictlyquadrilateral]

the more i talk to extended family the more i learn that it was EXTREMELY obvious to all the adults around me as a child that something had gone horribly wrong and i needed professional help, but i guess there's some sort of prime directive thing where you can suggest to the kid's parents that the kid might need help but you can never ever ever let on to the kid that you can tell something is wrong. you just have to hold on to that until the kid becomes an adult who's able to say "so i think i experienced a lot of trauma when i was very little" and then you can say "yes, i know. i didn't know what happened but it was completely unmissable that something had." okay. thank you. that's very validating. but why did you leave me to suffer and keep feeling like there was no other explanation than that i was broken and going insane. would it really have been so bad to sit me down and go "i see you. i can't help much, but i can tell something happened and you're in a lot of pain. you deserve help and support. you're not going insane." or something. i don't know. my internal experience was mostly that i had suddenly become a bad child who couldn't seem to get anything right and was always being yelled at. maybe it would have helped if someone had said something.

[stasisxo]

Massive Attack 'Mezzanine' (1998)

[watcher-evervigilant]

Wow so having the knee brace on and it is yknow. Forcing my leg into the proper position, I knew I was standing on my leg wrong but wow I did not know just how significantly wrong

[watcher-evervigilant]

Wow so having the knee brace on and it is yknow. Forcing my leg into the proper position, I knew I was standing on my leg wrong but wow I did not know just how significantly wrong