Are My Thoughts My Own?

I will be my own downfall,so here are the thoughts of a decaying mind.

[waxedthoughts]

I am what I fear the most, and because of that I will always struggle to find peace. Follow me as I slowly descend into this madness of my mind, where all is wrong and light at the same time. May my mind be clear of my futures wrongs and keep me near the life’s edge.

[waxedthoughts]

Decaying away

Slowly and surely

Every feeling

Reminds me of

My mistakes.

Are you

Another mistake?

[vexheart]

never lose yourself again 🪽

[vexheart]

you just accept it and keep going.

[vexheart]

[waxedthoughts]

I would like to think , that I could live without you.

That I am not dependent on your existence, and that I am capable of being on my own. I am a stronger person, I am but someone known for loud emotions!

Yet

Existing becomes hard when you are not here, my body starts to shut down, and every thought of life slowly starts to leave my body. My mind in focus on you, and only you. I believe that I’m just worried, like any normal person..right?

Yet

I start to feel like a dog who has been abandoned… clawing at the door , listening for and any sound to see if you’re here? My thoughts become cloudy. it’s like my purpose is gone.

I have never been able to understand who or what I am, and yet I have this weird attachment to you. You are the only thing I know is true.. but I know you despise me.

I cry, and cry and cry for you , just to look my way and yet you still hurt me.

Do you enjoy my pain? Does it bring you joy?

Is it sad that I know you hate me.. you have said how I suck the happiness out of you.. and yet I still linger hoping that maybe you’ll change your mind. I do not care if you have to hurt me… if it keeps you happy then okay. I’ve never been able to live for me and if you are taking my freedom then.. I suppose I’m forever to be trapped.

You kill me mentally, and I have known this for a while. You hurt and tug and make me a horrible person, I hate who I am with you.. but it’s all I have of myself now. I don’t matter, but you do.

Why can’t you see you are causing me pain.. why can’t you see I’m tired, I don’t want to be the one who has to end it , but I can’t do this anymore. I’m going insane

[hollanderthoughts]

It’s literally like…… help!! lol. help me!!!! haha.

[lorrainestea]

…and then she said "You are my solution" in the softest voice ever and it broke my own heart as much as it broke theirs

[waxedthoughts]

I was not supposed to be here , and now I am forever lost

[waxedthoughts]

I feel to much, so therefore I will always present as too much for you.

I take without acknowledgment and yet I still ask for more.

My worst fear is being forgotten, yet I keep pushing people away. I crave to be understood, yet I am too complex for my own well being.

Will I always fall victim to my own existence, I am a person who can’t be loved. I feel for people, who pity me for being me. I will always hope for a love that will truthfully love me , see me for everything I am.

I am too much and I can only hope that one day, you will love all of me. No matter how much I present to others, no matter how others look at me. Will you accept me for all that I am? Will you be with me through this dark time, with hope that it will be worth it in the end.

Thank you for it all, even if you do leave me in the end. Thank you for the experience 🌱

[strokeofserenity]

Fyodor Dostoyevsky, “The Brothers Karamazov”

[waxedthoughts]

Time

How many times did I wait on you?

How many times did I call for you?

How many times have I begged for you?

How many times have you showed me you don’t care?

How many times will you continue to hurt me?

How many times will my tears keep flowing?

I’ve been more than nice to you, and yet you still continue to show how my kindness is for nothing.

I still cling to hope that you may one day love me,

That one day you’ll look at me and smile.

Not because I asked you too, but because you see joy within yourself. I can not be your joy.

[waxedthoughts]

Sometimes I wonder why I even try?

Do you see my efforts?

I am trying to change..

Yet you still don’t notice it

Why am I trying?

Will I ever be enough?

Am I enough now?

I hear joy and laughter

The room is full of happiness

And yet I am not in this situation

I am hearing everything I wish I could produce

Yet I can not.

Why can I not?

Would it be different if I left?

Will they notice? How will I change?

My body is tired. I can feel the burns of my previous mistakes

One day I’ll be happy but today is not that day

I wish you all happiness, a happiness I can not find

Good luck my people good luck

[waxedthoughts]

I could always change and yet I haven’t. Have I lost my way? Forgotten how to pretend ? Have I forgotten my purpose, I shall pretend and dance for those who watch. A jester is my only purpose, I shall forever be for someone else’s emotion.

[waxedthoughts]

I survived, just to feel the dread more. Is this regret I’m feeling or am I really doing this to myself

[waxedthoughts]

You can’t change what is already set in motion

4days left

[aropride]

tgd + killing yourself moodboard (doors / american cars / haircut / porch light / headed north / spoiled)